Sage interviews Gay Banker

A few days ago, I spotted one gay blogger (Sage) interviewing another gay blogger (Atari_Age) via blog. Sage put the questions on his blog, and Atari_Age posted the answers on his. Perhaps someone could let me know whether this kind of online blog-oriented interview is new, or whether it's been around for a while? I've certainly never seen it done before.

What kind of questions would Sage ask me if I took him up on his offer to interview other bloggers? Anyone who's read my blog for a while will know that I'm the kind of guy who jumps into things both feet first to find out what something is all about, so I left a comment on Sage's blog volunteering to be interviewed. Within 24 hours he'd done his research and devised five interview questions tailor made for me.

When I first read the questions, I was struck by how thoughtful they were. Perhaps I can return the favour to someone? If any other blogger wants me to interview them according to the same rules, please let me know and I'll devise some questions.

Anyway, here are my answers to Sage's interview questions:


Question 1. Beyond the original incident, how did your causal encounter hobby become a regular activity??

The internet is to blame! Although it wasn't responsible for the original incident, the internet is certainly responsible for making it easy for gay guys to find casual sexual partners. Without the internet I would never have been able to meet so many guys without boyfriend number 1 finding out. The original incident reminded me how much I enjoyed the adventure of finding no-strings sex, but the internet made it possible for me to do it on a regular basis.

While I'm on this subject, I went for a coffee with a friend yesterday, a gay guy in his early 30's who came out about three or four years ago. Although he doesn't know about my casual encounter hobby, or this blog, we often seem to talk about sex and the internet.

"Without the gaydar chat rooms I wouldn't have a sex life", he said.

I laughed. "How many guys a month do you meet then?" I asked, although I could make a pretty good guess.

"Hmmm", he says thinking, "at least ten a month, at least!"

By those standards, I'm relatively chaste.


Question 2. When did you first know that you were in love with boyfriend number 1?

I guess this is where I divulge a bit about my relationship with boyfriend number 1. If you read this entire blog, you'd find out very little about him. Of course that's partly by definition (this blog is called "Things I can't tell boyfriend number 1"), but it's also because I originally thought that my relationship with boyfriend number wasn't for public consumption. I guess that idea got discarded last summer when I went on holiday with boyfriend number 2.

Remembering back to 1989 when we first got together, it was him who proposed to me. At the time I wasn't sure about having a relationship with him, so I certainly wasn't originally in love with him at the start. But over the following few years he became the most important part of my life, so my love developed gradually over that period. Of course I still love him, which is why it'll be very difficult for me if we end up separating now that he knows what I get up to.


Question 3. Your first sexual experience--was it with a man or a woman?

I'm a pure homo! Never had sex with a woman, don't think I ever will. Some gay guys (like Boyfriend number 1) have lots of female friends, but I always feel more comfortable in the company of other men, gay or straight.

It took me a while to have my first sexual experience though. I wrestled with my sexuality while I was at university because I didn't want to be gay. I had a couple of dates with women, but they were hopeless failures. After I left university I gradually realised the truth, had sex with a guy, and never really looked back.


4. How did you come to have a career in investment banking?

I guess there are some lucky people who, when they're children, know what they want to be when they grow up and work to fulfill their dreams. But I had no idea. Then one day while I was in my last year at university, I got talking to a friend who left university the previous year, and had started work for a stockbroker in the City of London.

"It's good in the City at the moment GB", he said, "I'll get you an interview at the firm I work for if you're interested".

Out of curiosity I took him up on the offer of an interview, and although I didn't get a job with that particular firm, I saw some attraction to working in finance. So I did my homework to learn more about it, applied for graduate jobs at as many suitable firms as I could find, and ended up getting myself a job at an investment bank. I've never regretted my decision and still (usually) enjoy the work :-)


5. Lastly, what advice would you give to a newly married, or civil unioned(?), gay couple?

A very good question given that I live in the UK, because since last week it has been possible for same-sex couples in the UK to have civil unions. Civil unions essentially give gay couples the same rights and responsibilities that a marriage gives heterosexual couples.

Looking at my relationship with boyfriend number 1, I wish I'd been more honest with him. But I reckon the hardest thing about honesty isn't just being truthful to one's partner - it's being truthful with oneself. Coming out as gay is one of the classic situations where a lot of people are initially not honest with themselves, which is why the first step of coming out to oneself can be the hardest.

In the mid 1990's when my causal encounter hobby began I don't think I was being honest with myself. "Occasionally I can meet a guy for some no-strings sex and boyfriend number 1 need never know". But ten years later when we hit a rocky patch it all comes out. Perhaps honesty isn't quite the right word but it's close, I think I was just deluding myself that there would be no consequences. It's very easy to believe something that you want to believe, but that doesn't make it true.

So to keep a relationship strong, my advice would be to try and be honest first with yourselves, and secondly with each other. Keep communicating. It's not easy. In spite of my current situation, most of the time my relationship with boyfriend number 1 has been wonderful.

PS: thanks to Sage for posing me such good questions.

A brief chat with boyfriend number 3

Last week I spot boyfriend number 3 in one of the gaydar chat rooms so I have a brief conversation with him.

GB: Hi how's u?
bf#3: fine ta, thx for asking
GB: so where u spending christmas?
bf#3: I'll be at my mother's but back in the city early next week

We chat about a couple of things and then I ask him what he's been up to on gaydar

bf#3: but u can't ask me that, it's personal!
GB: awww, surely u can tell me can't u, I won't let ur mother know!

There's a slight pause but then he gives in

bf#3: met a banker in his computer room and he came in seconds
GB: you're saying that you met a banker, and had it off with him in a computer room??
bf#3: yes...he came too quickly ..partly i think cos a cleaner was vacuuming on the same floor...think he was petrified
GB: LOL, v horny though!!
bf#3: yes very
GB: seeing him again?
bf#3: seen him a few times yes, once in a hotel in waterloo
GB: u get around don't u!
bf#3: lol just trying to keep up with you

What cheek! It's a strange co-incidence though because I also had a bit of fun with a guy in a computer room recently, although the guy wasn't a banker.

We provisionally arrange to get together face to face for a drink in the week before New Year. If we manage to meet up it'll be nice to see him again.

Some welcome relief from Christmas shopping

A couple of weeks ago on Saturday, I'm in Oxford Street in central London shopping for a Christmas present for boyfriend number 1. After more than an hour battling the crowds, I decide to take a break in an internet cafe. So I buy myself a double expresso and log into gaydar to see if I can find anyone nearby for a bit of light relief.

After ten minutes poking around the who's online list and various chat rooms, I start a conversation with a guy who's not too far away

GB: hi there, how's you?
guy: fine, u?
GB: christmas shopping!
guy: lucky u, im at work
GB: on a Saturday?
guy: yyy unfort, but got to catch up and im horny as hell
GB: we're all horny here m8! Can u accom?

It's a simple question but he takes a long time answering.

guy: no sorry m8, can u?
GB: not really m8 I'm in an internet cafe!
guy: pity, really need to unload

But an empty office on a Saturday near Christmas sounds ideal to me.

GB: you sure you can't accom m8, surely there's no one else in the office with u, isn't there a meeting room or something we could use?
guy: would have been ok an hour ago but security guard here now :-(
GB: so what, just tell him you're gonna have a visitor

Another long pause.

guy: could work

Ah-ha, got him! Given that he's horny he'll find it hard to resist the idea now!! But how to make it happen? I have an idea

GB: I'm gonna run out of time soon here m8, u got a mobile phone number I can call u on?

It works. He gives me his mobile number so I give him a call to sort out the details. 5 minutes later I'm on my way. He's going to come outside to meet me, then we'll enter the building together and he'll take me past the security guard as an old friend of his. When I get to the building I call him to tell him I'm outside, and within a minute he comes out.

"Hi there", he says a bit sheepishly, "ready?"

He's got a friendly face. I have the impression that he hasn't met any guys like this in his office before. We go into the building and in spite of all the worrying about the security guard he's nowhere to be seen so we head downstairs. In case the guard can hear us, I try to make conversation as though I've known him for ages.

"So have you got all your Christmas shopping done yet?"

Before he can answer he's used a security pass to take me into one of the rooms in the basement. The heating must be off because it's quite cold. Not ideal given that we're going to be getting our kit off.

"Where do you want me then?" I say. But he's still thinking about where to go.

"I doubt he'll come down here", he says quietly, "but just in case, we'll go in there".

He nods towards a door on the other side of the room which is locked by a device with a keypad on it.

"Well I hope it's warmer in there than it is in here", I joke with him.

"Should be, it's our computer room."

He heads over to the door and punches in the passcode. As promised it's quite warm, thanks no doubt to all the computers humming away. He looks at me and smiles. I put my coat on a pile of cardboard boxes and smile back at him, putting my hand on his shoulder. But he doesn't need any encouragement, he grabs my crotch!

"Come on", he says friskily, "let's get away from the door and go down one of the aisles."

I can't help thinking the situation is a bit bizarre. This is an important company, and he's just taken me into probably the most secure room in the building when he only met me online 30 minutes ago.

Gradually we shed our clothes and start to enjoy each others company. He's a good kisser. We don't rush, but none the less a few minutes later I've got an important question for him.

"Errr, can we make a mess on the floor?"

"Not really", he says anxiously, "but don't worry, I've got some tissues."

Somehow we manage to work it out! Very enjoyable. Afterwards we make small talk as we put our clothes back on.

"Good stuff", he says, "I feel much better now".

"Have you ever had any guys from gaydar in here before?"

"No I haven't actually. And now I'm never going to think about this aisle in the same way again."

I wouldn't look too closely either mate. I think a close inspection will reveal that there weren't quite enough tissues!

Another visit to my local cock sucker

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Is a How I Told Them forum a good idea?

Yesterday I got the following e-mail:


Dear Friend,

We've read your blog and we are seeking submissions to our new blog, How I Told Them (howitoldthem.blogspot.com ). The mission of our blog is to be a forum where gay people and others can share their story—as a catharsis, or in the attempt to ease the process for those who are waiting to come out. We hope to provide insight and perspective to a group who desperately need it.

Many thanks. We hope you will consider submitting, and we encourage you to keep checking our blog as it evolves and grows.

Please also consider linking us on your blog.

Sincerely,
The How I Told Them Team


but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I try to avoid angst as much as possible and it sounds as though this is going to be an angst central. I also don't like the idea of submitting by e-mail and having my e-mail edited before publication. A better idea might be for web site that just has links to the coming out stories of gay bloggers. At least then, interested readers would be able to get a good picture of what the end result of coming out had been for that person, by reading all their other blog entries.

A weekend away with boyfriend number 1

A week and a half ago we decided to have a break outside London together. Although we'd been away with my sister and her family in the summer, and to a straight wedding together in September, this would be the first time that we'd been away on our own since I came back from the holiday with boyfriend number 2.

We got on reasonably well, but unfortunately there was an incident which annoyed boyfriend number 1, which he told me about once we were back in London.

"You know when you were away in the hotel lobby checking your e-mails this morning", he says while we're watching television together in the evening.

"Yes?", I reply, not paying much attention.

"I had to silence an alarm in your electronic organiser. It was an alarm to remind you to send boyfriend number 2 a christmas card!"

Damm! Why did that have to happen on our first trip away together? It must have been in 2004 the last time that he needed to silence an alarm in my PDA. It's the worst possible luck.

I'm not sure how to avoid that kind of thing either, because I rely on my PDA for loads of stuff like that. Watching his reaction to this incident, the more I think that a non-monagamous relationship won't suit him :-(

Is monogamy your seatbelt through life?

[Update 5-Apr-2006: unfortunately the links below to jjd's postings about monogamy are not currently working. But both comments which jjd left to this posting are still available. ]

In a comment to my posting on Monogamy and infidelity, jjd asked for my opinion on the ideas he posted in The Empire on Monogamy and Tuesday's (random!) Observations. His “Monogamy: It's your seatbelt through life!” motto is very clever. I half disagree, and half agree with him.

My disagreement relates to my belief that society imposes the monogamy concept on us from an early age. As I said before, this worked well for heterosexual society when life expectancy was low, but in the modern world I think it’s unrealistic. Somehow we need to evolve into a society where relationships are more flexible, and where children can be brought up with corresponding expectations of adult life.

My agreement relates to the fact that none of us were brought up in a world where more flexible relationships are expected. So loads of us expect to have monogamous relationships because that's what we've been taught. It's entirely analogous to the difficult experiences a lot of us have coming out as gay, because one has to admit that what one thought about something very important isn't true. jjd's comments that monogamy “prevents jealousy, insecurity and hurt feelings of your loved one” ring very true to me because that's what boyfriend number 1 has been experiencing since I told him that I'd been on holiday with boyfriend number 2. But these hurt feelings only exist because of what he was brought up to believe a relationship should be.

jjd also says that he’s talked to adulterous people in the past who've said to him “jjd, you've never heard of SAFE SEX?”. No surprises of course that I’m one of these people (see the comments to my posting Statement on the accuracy of the postings in this blog). My view is that in the real world the statement “the only SAFE SEX is abstinence” isn’t very useful because everything we do has risks associated with it.

For example, I found a table titled “Risk of Death from Various Recreational Drugs Compared to Other Activities” at dancesafe.org. I believe that gay safe sex practices reduce the risk of contracting HIV to the very low level, if not lower, which according to the table is the same likelihood as death from falling out of bed. Simply being alive involves accepting so many risks at this kind of level, it’s just not possible to worry about them at such low risk levels if you want to lead a normal life.

jjd also mentions the term polyamorous. Whatever it means it must apply to me because I’m in love with loads of guys. I’m not afraid to use the word love in this context because the phrase emotional attachment seems a bit weak. Obviously I’m in love with all the guys I call boyfriends in this blog, but I’m also still in love with some ex-boyfriends from before I got to know boyfriend number 1, as well as some straight male university friends of mine. I love some guys more than others of course, but I can immediately think of eight guys where I would feel comfortable using the term love.

I reckon the fact that there are no women on the list is one of the things which defines my sexuality. After I left university, it was the reaslisation that I kept falling in love with my male friends that eventually prompted me to come out as gay.

Are there any other guys out there who, like me, reckon they’re in love with loads of guys at the same time?

A visit to my local cock sucker

A couple of weeks ago on Sunday, a guy contacts me on gaydar who likes sucking cock. Can he suck me? I do enjoy being serviced like that so I agree to visit him. As luck would have it he works quite close to me and we'll be able to use his office, so I agree to visit him at work one day soon.

The next day it's Monday so I send him a txt msg.

GB: Hi, we chatted on gaydar yesterday, would love to have you 'sort me out'. I sent you a pic yesterday eve, when can I visit?
Cock sucker: Am not at work 2day. Hows about 2mrw?
GB: ok sure, looking fwd to it m8
Cock sucker: Kewl. C u 2mrw then. Don’t toss off 2day or 2nite as I want a full load m8

Hmm, I think, he's quite keen on this activity isn't he!

GB: LOL OK I’ll try not to! Can do any time 2moz after 9.30am so when do you want me?
Cock sucker: Say lunchtime, 1pm ish with a full load year so keep yor hands off it! Will text 2mrw
GB: gr8
Cock sucker: One question, r u safe 2 swallow
GB: Had FULL check up only last month, all results negative as expected so I reckon I am safe to swallow :-)
Cock sucker: Kewl. can’t wait 2 get u naked. Don’t shoot yor load 2nite feed me every drop 2mrw when u face fuk me and force me 2 swallow.

Hmm I was wrong, I think, he's very keen on this activity. The next day I get a txt msg in the morning as expected

Cock sucker: Hi m8. Hope yor balls r a hummin and aching 2 unload? Did u spunk yesterday?
GB: no I didn't, saving it all 4 u m8 :-)
Cock sucker: Now that’s what I like 2 hear. I am hungry already.

He tells me that I can visit lunchtime around 1pm, like he suggested yesterday, but then we have to use a cubicle in some quiet toilets in the building he works in. Or if I visit around 5pm his office will be empty and we can use that. I had some fun with a guy in a toilet cubicle in his office block back in May, and at the time I can remember thinking it wasn't that comfortable.

GB: I'll hold it in till 5, I think your office sounds more fun
Cock sucker: OK. No whacking off in toilets at work. Do play wiv yorself 2 get u real horny with a big load. Fuk cant wait 2 suk yor dik and c yor jiz hit my mouth and face.

This guy has a way with words that I find very entertaining and I'm definitely looking forward to meeting him!

Around 4.45pm I get another txt from him to say it's all clear, so I make my excuses at work. I don't feel too guilty leaving early because I usually work late. After a 5 minute walk I'm at his office block. He meets me just outside.

"All ready for me then?" he says smiling, and licking his lips. "We can just walk past the guy on reception since I'm here with you, no need to sign in".

Face to face he doesn't look anything like the photo he'd sent me when we chatted on gaydar. But he doesn't look any worse than the photo so I don't feel misled. He's got quite a tough looking face, and I find it hard to believe that I'm about to be serviced by this guy.

The building is quite old, full of winding corridors, with many different types of businesses occupying one or two rooms. Eventually we reach his office and he lets me in.

"We can do it in there, where it's warmer but where we'll need to keep quiet", he says, pointing to a door on the right, "or in there where its not quite as warm, but where we can't be overheard".

I opt for the room on the left where we can't be overheard. I follow him in and we both strip off. I'm almost completely naked when he comes over and feels me through my undershorts.

"May as well take those off too", he murmurs appreciatively.

I end up sitting in one of the swivel office chairs with my legs wide apart, while he kneels down in front of me. As I reach the conclusion, I'm glad I opted for the room where I don't need to be quiet!

Very satisfactory. Since we work so close to each other, maybe I'll visit him again.

Monogamy and infidelity

There’s been a bit of discussion about infidelity recently, e.g. in Joe’s Blog and DL’s Blog. Thinking about this from an historical perspective, several centuries ago when a man in his 40’s was in his old age, heterosexual society was probably quite well served by monogamy and fidelity.

But over the last few hundred years, life expectancy in the world’s successful economies has risen substantially. In the harsh world of our ancestors, the majority of the population had little security so there was a constant focus on survival and no time to get ‘bored’ with one’s partner. No doubt infidelity was common, but a moral code which focused on sticking with one’s partner to raise the next generation makes sense in that context.

The issue of monogamy must be one of the less important relics of our history when there are still major religious wars in progress. But perhaps it is one of the issues that effects the day to day lives or more people in the blogging world, given that we are lucky enough to have the time and freedom to think about these issues.

There are similarities to what it is like for people to come out as gay. Everyone is brought up to be heterosexual, so it’s usually difficult to decide that one is homosexual instead. Similarly society still pretends that people should be monogamous, when the extended lifespan we enjoy in the modern world makes this ridiculous. Monogamy then is just another dangerous lie that we’re all brought up to believe in. Realistic expectations of what we can all expect from our adult relationships would be much more helpful.

An enjoyable session with a mediterranean guy

Gyms are such horny places. Loads of beautiful bodies, sweating to make themselves even more beautiful. And as a gay man, the gym changing rooms are even hornier because one gets to see some of these beautiful bodies naked and moist in the showers :-). Why did the gym I go to close the sauna in the men's changing rooms? At least when it was open it was a good outlet for all the natural horny feelings that gay men get in this situation.

So without the gym sauna any more, last Sunday I return from the gym feeling horny and log on to gaydar to see what I can find there. Boyfriend number 1 is out shopping which is convenient because it means I won't have to make an excuse to leave the house if I find someone to visit. Sunday afternoon is often quite a busy time so with a bit of luck something will materialise.

Sure enough, I spot a guy who I almost visited a week or two ago in one of the chat rooms, so I start a conversation with him

GB: hi m8, busy?
guy: not at mom
GB: I think we spoke a week or two ago
guy: could be

How come guys on gaydar often seem to have such bad memories? I guess it’s part of the “whatever, am I bothered?” society we seem to live in these days. We chat for a while and it turns out we’re both horny. What a surprise, seeing that we’re both logged into the chat rooms! He sends me some pics, but they’re only erect cock pics.

GB: Any face pics m8?
guy: no sorry
GB: so what do you look like
guy: slim, mediterranean build

Sounds great, if he’s telling the truth.

GB: sounds good, do you have a mobile phone number I can call you on?
guy: don’t give out my mobile number, sry
GB: why not?
guy: don’t want to get myself into any difficult situations

I give him my mobile number, and tell him that I’ve never really had a problem giving it out. But he won’t budge, damm! No face pic, no way of contacting him, I’ll be compromising my guidelines too much if I visit him. Of course the problem when one’s feeling horny is that it’s not the brain which is controlling the situation. So I continue to chat to him and eventually I get his address and set off to visit him!

In defence of the actions taken by the trouser department, I had chatted to him before. Somehow if a guy tells you the same thing on two separate occasions, they’re more likely to be reliable, especially if they don’t remember chatting to you the first time.

I manage to find his apartment easily and ring the doorbell. Just as it gets to the point when I’m starting to worry because no one’s answering, a guy wearing glasses opens the front door. Instantly I’m glad I took the risk to visit him. He is a cute, slim Mediterranean guy, just as he said he was.

“Where do you want me”, I say to him smiling. He looks me up and down and smiles back. “Lets go to my bedroom”. He’s got a slight foreign accent, but his English seems pretty good. Before I can even sit down on the bed to take my shoes off, he kisses me. Nice.

“Why don’t I take my shoes and socks off”, I say helpfully. While I’m taking my shoes, socks, shirt, trousers off, he strips off too. Soon we’re both just wearing our undershorts. While he’s placing his glasses on the shelf, I walk up to him from behind and rub his bare chest from behind. He murmurs appreciatively and puts his hand on mine.

After a bit of kissing and cuddling standing up, we move over to the bed.

“Do you live here alone?” I ask.

“I’ve got a flatmate but he’ll be at work all afternoon, don’t worry.”

Initially he seems to be in a bit of a hurry, but I’m mistaken.

“Leave that alone for now”, he says after a few minutes, “I don’t want to cum just yet!”

After that I take my time. But about 5 minutes later my mobile phone suddenly rings. It must be boyfriend number 1 phoning from home, back from shopping and wondering where I am. Never mind, I’m enjoying myself too much at the moment to answer it.

“Don’t worry”, I say, “let’s ignore it”.

Of course the problem with mobile phones is that if you don’t answer them and the caller leaves a voicemail, then the voicemail keeps phoning you back! None the less we manage to ignore the original and subsequent calls and before too long we both end up reaching a highly satisfactory conclusion.

I don’t hang around too long afterwards. But I think we both enjoyed the encounter, so I’ll keep a lookout for him online.

Statement on the accuracy of the postings in this blog

I've never said much about the "basis" for the postings in this blog. Do I make it all up? Or is every word 100% true? Thanks to www.statcounter.com and all the e-mails I get I know that I do have quite a few readers these days so perhaps a statement about this is overdue.

I basically follow the same guidelines as Belle de Jour. Although I was never completely convinced she was real, I am real, and for what it's worth I follow her guidelines. To quote her small print:

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of myself and others. I try to recreate dialogue and action as accurately as possible, but no one's memory is perfect. The cutting of some slack is appreciated.

So I do work for an investment bank in London and every very posting is fundamentally true. I'm certain that if boyfriend number 1, boyfriend number 2, or boyfriend number 3 found this blog they would all recognise themselves immediately. In fact I always write the blog on the basis that eventually everyone I know may end up finding it, so everything has to be reasonably accurate because I don't want anyone to say I mis-represented them. In any case, one day when we're all old and grey I may even tell everyone about it!

Update on the situation with boyfriend number 3

One Friday last month I met boyfriend number 3 (aka R) for a drink after work. Since then, I’d chatted to him a few times on gaydar but we had been unable to arrange another get-together for a bit of fun. Previously I had visited him a couple of times at his flat in Greenwich.

About three weeks ago, I spot him on gaydar and he tells me that he’s living at home with his mother most of the time at the moment:

bf#3: since I was mugged near my flat, I just don’t want to risk travelling in the area. So I get a friend to drop me off and pick me up occasionally, but the rest of the time I’m back living with my mother :-(

GB: I don’t suppose she’d be too happy if I visited you at her place?

bf#3: cheeky! Best if we use my place in Greenwich, but we’ll have to travel there and back together

A couple of days after the conversation I have an idea that might help in relation to his flat, so I send him an e-mail. A few days pass with no response so I send him a txt msg

GB: How’s you? Was the idea I emailed u any good? A cab to Greenwich and back might be fun sometime? GB xxx

I get a reply quite quickly:

bf#3: Your email idea will not work but cab rides are good ;-)

The trouble with txt msg of course is that it can take hours to have a conversation that face-to-face (or in the gaydar chat rooms) would happen within a few minutes.

GB: :-)) so when do you fancy a cab ride with me?

bf#3: Whenever you can with notice...or later today after you get off work? x

GB: Might be poss this eve but I would prob need to be back home by 8pm ish? Otherwise are any lunchtimes next week any good? xxx

bf#3: Can be at ur office 1730hrs at the earliest x

I decide to check with boyfriend number 1. If he’s got nothing planned for the evening then I could tell him I’m working late and go and have a bit of fun with boyfriend number 3. But a quick phone call home and I find out that he’s arranged something so I’m going to have to be home even earlier that I thought.

GB: Turns out I have to be back home 7.30pm latest. Perhaps best to postpone cab ride but could meet you for a drinkie early eve if you like? xxx

bf#3: Can meet you outside ur office for 1800hrs ok? x

GB: Gr8, c u 6pm ish xx

A trip to his flat for a bit of fun would have been very nice, but since I haven’t seen him for a few weeks I’ll settle for a drink instead! We meet up as planned and head off to the same pub we went to last time. It’s good to see him. Once inside the pub I buy him a pint of Guinness and get myself a pint of Fuller’s London Pride.

We’re about half way through our drinks when he looks me up and down lustfully.

“Why don’t we finish up here and grab a cab over to my place?” he says mischievously.

“I’d like to but I really can’t, I’m promised boyfriend number 1 that I’ll be back by 7:30pm at the latest.”

“What would happen if you don’t turn up?”

Although I’m always keen on a bit of fun, even I couldn’t just not turn up at home when I said that I would. Being run over by a bus would be a valid excuse not to turn up, but that’s about it!

“No, I couldn’t. You’re a very naughty man, you know that don’t you! Let’s do it one lunchtime next week. Any preference for the day?”

We settle on Wednesday lunchtime and finish our drinks. We agree to confirm by txt msg the day before.

Tuesday arrives so I send him a txt in the morning

GB: Hi :-) shall we take a cab ride to Greenwich together 2moz? I’ll need to be back for a 3pm meeting but that still gives us loads of time! GB xxx

I don't a reply until the afternoon

bf#3: Yes..sorry for the delay...been trying to work out what i am doing tomorrow. 1130hrs outside ur office ok? x

So it’s all confirmed. But on the day I get an unexpected txt msg from him

bf#3: Would friday be possible for you-anytime? Asking as that would suit me better but if not then see you later
x

Although I’d been looking forward to a bit of fun at lunchtime, if it’s more convenient for him on Friday then so be it.

GB: Sure, I am OK for Friday. See you Friday lunchtime? GB xxx

But it’s not to be. When I send him a txt on Friday morning to confirm

GB: Fancy a cab ride with me at lunchtime? GB xxx

the reply is a problem

bf#3: Sure...to meet you around 1400hrs would suit me..is that do-able?x

No! I’ve got an important meeting mid afternoon which I’ll miss if we don’t meet up until 2pm. I thought we’d agreed lunchtime? So we postpone again. Damn, why is this proving so difficult? We chat on gaydar at the weekend and he apologises for messing me around. He also tells me that he’s going to be staying at his flat for part of the following week:

bf#3: I’m going to be in Greenwich from Tuesday to Thursday next week - I’m getting a friend to drop me off and pick me up. So why don’t you come over Wednesday lunchtime?

This time everything works. We confirm by txt msg and I visit him as planned. We have a lovely session together. He’s got a gorgeous well-toned body, and he adores cuddling. An ideal lunchtime activity!

Afterwards I tell him off again for suggesting the taxi ride when were were having a drink, when he knew that I had arranged to meet boyfriend number 1.

“I wasn’t being serious”, he says defensively, “I just wondered how far you’d go.”

Hmmm. You sounded serious at the time but I’ll let you off!

Gay Banker's tips for successful online cruising

I’m sure that there are many people know more about this subject than me. But a comment left by Reluctant Nomad to my recent post A long-awaited and unusual liaison made me think that there are lots of things I haven’t said about this subject that are worth saying.

Earlier this year, in February and March, I divulged that I’ve been using the internet to meet guys for sex since 1995. The origin of my infidelity in my relationship with boyfriend number 1 had been the previous year. 1995 was definitely before gaydar had started, and I don’t think gay.com had started then either. My first internet service provider was CompuServe, and there was just one gay chat room for the whole world. None the less, quite a few guys in the chat room were based in London, and so my online cruising life started.

Some guys just use the internet cruising web sites just to chat to other gay guys, or to find guys for phone-sex or cyber-sex. For me though, the miracle of online cruising is that anywhere in the world, the internet makes face-to-face meetings between like-minded guys so easy. Previously one had to go to a gay bar, or find an outside cruising area which might be dangerous. But the internet makes it simple to find horny guys who are waiting just round the corner from you. This is especially useful when one is at a loose end in a strange foreign city :-)

But if you get chatting to a guy online, how can you tell if they’re genuine? If you arrange a meeting, how do you know they’ll be there? How can you avoid time-wasters? The answer’s simple really, for each guy you meet online just run down Gay Banker’s check-list for successful online cruising [patent pending] and everything will be all right:
(1) Early in the online conversation, get them to tell you their name
(2) Make sure you see a picture with their face in
(3) Get their phone number so you can contact them
(4) If you’re meeting at their place, get their post-code first, and their full address before you set off
(5) Before you meet up face-to-face, talk to them on the phone
(6) After talking on the phone but before the meeting, continue to build rapport e.g. by txt msg
(7) If it’s sex you’re after and you’ve met somewhere private, take off your shirt soon after you meet
(8) Don’t compromise on more than one of items (1)-(5)

Of course whatever they tell you online they could be lying, or showing you someone else’s picture. That’s why it’s important not to compromise too much, because it’s hard to make up everything convincingly.

Seeing a picture with the other guy’s face in is definitely an important step. If you’re going to meet up with a guy you’re going to end up seeing their face anyway, so it’s reasonable to ask to see what they look like in advance. A lot of guys use face pics to work out whether they’re attracted to someone, which is fair enough. Also if someone doesn’t ask to see your face pic, either they’re very new to online cruising, or they’ve got something to hide because they don’t want to show you a pic with their face in. So if they don’t ask, then you should!

It is understandable for guys who are new to online cruising to be reluctant to give out their phone numbers, because there’s a natural fear of strangers misusing this information somehow. But in the ten years I’ve been meeting guys from the internet, there was only one occasion when I got a slightly unwelcome call. Even that one unwelcome call wouldn’t have happened if I had just given the guy some rules about when he could phone me when I gave him the number. So I don’t think giving out your phone number is any risk at all as long as you specify what the rules are when you give out your number, for example "only for today", or "never phone in the evening". If you’re going to visit them their address might be hard to find, so without a phone number you’re sunk. Similarly if they’re visiting you and they’re taking longer than expected you’d want to be able to give them a call to work out how much longer they’re going to be. If a guy is reluctant to give out this information either they’re new or they’ve got something to hide.

Because I don’t entertain guys in the home I share with boyfriend number 1, I’m always meeting guys at their house, or sometimes at their office. Where a guy lives is even more personal than what his mobile phone number is, so it’s also understandable for guys to be reluctant to give out their address. If a guy seems a bit reluctant, ask for less specific information, for example the name of the road they live in, or their postcode. This helps you work out how easy it is to get to them. I’m a big fan of postcodes because it make it easy to look up where they are on www.multimap.com.

Even when you’ve spoken to them on the phone and everything is agreed, I still continue to try and establish rapport before we actually meet up. My favourite way of doing this is using txt msgs. I’m convinced this reduces the chance of a failed meeting, and helps avoid the wank-factor in situations where meetings occur quickly after the initial contact online.

Finally, when you chat to some guys online, all they’re interested in is how attractive you are to them, whether your sexual requirements are compatible, how big your cock is, and so on. For me, meeting this type of one-dimensional guy usually turns out to be much less rewarding than meeting guys with more to say for themselves. If the guy you’re talking to online is worth meeting they probably think the same way, so my advice would be to try and keep it chatty and witty, as you would in real life.

Are there any risks to meeting guys like this? No more so than picking up strangers for sex from bars, clubs, or cruising areas I reckon. Gaydar used to have a warning about the possible dangers of meeting guys through the internet, but when I went looking for this recently I couldn’t find it.

Of course, I’ve had two failed meetings this year, one in February and the other in May. Both occurred when the guy had neither a mobile phone nor a picture of himself showing his face. Now I’ve formulated these rules though, I for one am going to stick to them!

The true story of L and S

In a comment to my recent posting Update on the situation with boyfriend number 1, a guy called Daniel was kind enough to say that my blog was like “Bridget Jones's Diary - but much better”. Having my blog compared to fiction reminds me that fiction is often only a pale reflection of what happens in real life. One of the stories I like to tell to prove this relates to a couple of guys L and S that used to live near us.

As well as living nearby, L and S owned and ran a flower business together. They had a small shop, but the main part of the business was providing flowers to offices and restaurants across central London. Apart from being business partners they were also gay lovers, and had been together for around 18 years. L was the sort of guy who knew everyone in the area, a great guy to chat with and catch up on the local gossip. S was a bit older than L and a bit more reserved, but both of them were nice guys.

Eventually myself and boyfriend number 1 invited L and S round for supper one evening. That evening we discovered that S was actually bi-sexual. In fact, he had a wife and grown up kids, who knew nothing about his gay relationship with L! They thought that L was just a business partner. Monday to Friday S would live with L in central London, but at the weekend S went back to his wife outside London to play the perfect husband. Incredibly, this had been going on for 18 years.

The secret couldn’t last forever. The following year S and L were together at a London restaurant on Valentines Day. They didn’t pay any attention to the filming which was going on there for a television program, after all a lot of filming goes on in London all the time. But on this occasion, the filming was for a program which was aired on prime time TV, and by a stroke of fate one of S’s children spotted S with L on TV, “Mum come and look at this, isn’t that Dad with L having a Valentines Day dinner?”

S ended up having to confess the whole story. Of course S’s wife wanted him to choose between her and L, but in fact somehow he managed to continue with the existing arrangement, living with L in the week and her at weekends.

Unfortunately the relationship between S and L wasn’t to last. In fact, it might have be the arrival of myself and boyfriend number 1 which was partly to blame.

“I’m always alone at Christmas”, L would confide in me. “I’ve been trying to get S to leave his wife and live with me full time for 18 years. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.”

L would see myself and boyfriend number 1, always going away together on holidays, together at Christmas. Gradually he wanted a full time boyfriend more and more. Now, pay attention, it gets a bit complicated ...

A year or two later, all the gossip was about L. One summer, some other neighbours were having a lot of renovation work done to their house. We all spotted R, a cute, hunky builder who was usually stripped to the waist. He looked very heterosexual to me, but none the less L managed to get him into bed.

For a while L was seeing both R and S. S found out and argued bitterly with L about the situation. L agreed to stop seeing R if S left his wife. Of course S wouldn’t leave his wife so L continued with seeing both R and S.

Then one day L caught S in bed with R. That was the catalyst for L to leave S, and take R as a full time boyfriend. They even had a big party for the occasion. Everyone was invited, L, S, R were all there, all the neighbours, and it was a fabulous party. At the party, I actually got talking to R’s brother. It turned out that R was bisexual too, with a couple of ex-wives, several children, and a depressive streak which sometimes caused him to attempt suicide. As I said above,I reckon that fiction is often only a pale reflection of what happens in real life.

Although L and S tried to continue as purely business partners, it didn’t work. Within a year they’d sold up, S was living full time with his wife, L and R had moved out of London together, and unfortunately I haven’t seen or heard of any of them since.

So at the same time, living in one tiny London street there was me secretly meeting guys for casual sex, our neighbour with his mistress, the story of L and S, and more as well no doubt which I don’t know about. I said in a blog posting a couple of months ago that the false paternity rate proves that there’s a lot of infidelity in our society. It’s all around us all the time. The only issue is how much of it we're each aware of!

An long-awaited and unusual liaison

Back in August, a guy contacted me on gaydar who was interested in meeting me for a bit of fun. He couldn’t meet me at the time so he suggested the following week. Unfortunately that wasn’t possible for me because I was due to go on holiday with my sister and her family, so we agreed to get together in September.

There was a day in September when I was due to visit him after work but it didn’t happen. I was feeling upset about the situation with boyfriend number 1 so I sent him a txt msg in the morning to postpone, giving the excuse of a cold. Occasionally throughout October and into November we chatted to each other when we were both on gaydar at the same time, but somehow we never managed to sort out a meeting. Until last Saturday.

Even though we’d never met, after three months of chatting on gaydar I feel I know him quite well. So last Saturday when I spot him in the chat rooms, I’ve got something to ask him

GB: Hi F, how was your holiday a couple of weeks ago?
F: Hi GB, hols were fab, wish I woz still there
GB: strange to have been chatting to u here for so long without meeting
F: I’m free early pm, any good?
GB: Actually yes! Can I visit you? Perhaps we’ll finally meet :-)) ?
F: gr8. BTW I’ve got a bf now so don’t really want to get too involved. Perhaps we can just strip off and do something in my hallway?

Hmmm, that sounds less than ideal. But after all this time, I want to meet the guy.

GB: OK, but it might be nicer if we can go somewhere more comfortable! Do you have anywhere else we could go other than your hallway?
F: of course! why don’ t you come round and let’s see what happens

We agree that I’ll send him a txt msg just after 2pm to check it’s still possible.

Just before 2pm I send F a txt msg and tell boyfriend number 1 that I’m going out to do a bit of shopping. Once outside the house I turn my mobile back on expecting to get his reply telling me that I can visit. But no reply – damm – what’s gone wrong? 2.05pm no reply; 2:10pm no reply. I try phoning his mobile but no answer.

There is some shopping that I’ve got to do but I’d much rather visit F first. I need to buy a bottle of Champagne so I head for Oddbins. While chatting to the shop's manager about the relative merits of Bollinger Grande Année and Moët’s Dom Perignon, I get a txt msg from F. Champagne shopping can wait, I make my excuses and head for the street to grab a taxi.

I arrive at his apartment block and he buzzes me in. But when I get to his door and ring the doorbell, there’s no answer. How strange. I wait for several minutes before I think I hear something behind the door

“F”, I ask quietly, “are you there?”

I can just about make out his reply. “Yes, yes, come in”.

To my surprise the door is unlocked. I push it open and it’s completely dark inside. I can hear him much more clearly now, but I can’t see him.

“Come in, come in”, he whispers, “and close the door”.

I walk in and close the door behind me. It really is virtually pitch black now! In the darkness I can just about make out a guy coming towards me. He comes up to me without saying anything so I reach out and touch him. He’s bare-chested. His pecs feel very firm and smooth. Lovely. Is he completely naked? In the darkness I run my finger slowly down his body but I reach a waistband. So he's almost completely naked, he’s just wearing some undershorts.

This is really weird, I think. I’m in the hallway of an apartment of a guy I don’t really know, it’s pitch black, the guy is virtually naked and he’s unbuttoning my shirt. Ahhh well, let’s go for it!! I let him remove my shirt, then I bend down and take my shoes off and let him remove my trousers too. He hasn't said another word to me since I came in.

Standing up, we wrap our arms round each other and kiss. His body feels lovely. He must go to the gym a lot, he’s got a lot of muscle tone. Is he much much older than he admitted to on gaydar? I can’t think of any other reason for him to hide in the darkness like this. Still, the anonymity of the situation is very horny. I kneel down and drag down his undershorts. Shortly afterwards he does the same for me.

Gradually I get somewhat used to the darkness, but still I can hardly see him. Do I need to see him? After all, I do know the male anatomy, I know where to find everything, and it’s clear that he does too! None the less, after a few minutes of touching, kissing, fondling, things seem to be going quite well so I decide to say something. “It would be nice to have a bit more light so I can see you?” I whisper, “Is there somewhere more comfortable we can go?”

He pauses then decides. Without saying anything he leads me slowly down the hallway and opens a door. The light dazzles me. I look at him and he looks exactly the age he told me on gaydar. In front of us there’s a double bed made up with just a sheet. It looks ideal so I go and lay down on it and smile back at him. We have a wonderful time.

After we’ve shot our loads we just naked lay on the bed in each other’s arms. We don’t say a word. I always enjoy cuddling, especially after mutual orgasm. After a few minutes, I get a surprise. Has he fallen asleep? It certainly sounds like it. I move slightly to get a better look at his face and sure enough, his eyes are closed and he’s asleep. This just gets weirder and weirder! In all my years of meeting guys for fun this has never happened before, not in this “quickie” kind of situation. Still, it’s nice that he feels so relaxed and comfortable with me that he can fall asleep. It makes me feel very comfortable too.

After about 10 minutes I nudge him a bit. “F, are you OK?”

“Hmmm, what?” he murmurs, “Err yes, just dozed off, sorry.”

“No problem, but I need to go soon, I’ve got some shopping to do!”

We get up and clean ourselves up. He gets me a glass of water while I retrieve my clothes from the hallway. We chat a bit, and then I make my excuses.

“See you again perhaps?” he says as I’m leaving.

“Yes that would be nice”, I reply, “I’ve had a lovely time.”

Outside I find another taxi and head back to Oddbins. A little later I’m chatting to the same manager when another txt msg arrives. It’s from F.

F: great meeting you

Swiftly I send him a reply

GB: U 2 :-)

Indeed, it would be very nice to meet him again.

Update on the situation with boyfriend number 1

About three weeks ago I said that my relationship with boyfriend number 1 was probably finished. In reality though, that blog posting was perhaps a bit overdone because everything is far from certain.

In between our sessions with a professional counsellor, we’ve started discussing things between ourselves at home. We only do this once a week, for about an hour, because we both find it very draining.

At the counselling session last week, about half way through the counsellor had something to say.

“I must say this”, she said, “Your 16 year old relationship is dead. You both need to accept that. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue with each other in some sort of new relationship, but that is what it will be.”

I completely agree with her. But at the discussion we had at home recently, boyfriend number 1 said that he disagreed. “No, I don’t think it’s dead”, he said, “I should have said something to her at the time.”

Because of this, and other sentiments that boyfriend number 1 has expressed to me, I have a horrible feeling that boyfriend number 1 really hasn’t really accepted what has happened. It’s been such a complete shock to him that he’s pretending to himself that soon it’ll all be over and we’ll be back to 'normal'. But things are different now. I want to be honest with him going forward. Until he does accept that things have changed, we can’t move on.

Of course the whole situation is my fault because I should have told him years ago that I couldn’t continue with a monogamous relationship. I betrayed his trust. But perhaps I should also accept some of the blame for why he’s having difficulty accepting the situation.

On a day to day basis, we’re carrying on at home and with friends as though nothing has happened. It’s been business as usual. But of course, underneath this façade everything is far from normal. I think I need to break our routine, stop letting him cook for me perhaps, and stop cuddling him in bed. Things are not normal so I don’t think I should allow us to pretend that they are.

Perhaps we should even have a trial separation? I think that’ll be much harder for him than me. Although we’re talking a lot, there’s been very little progress so maybe something a bit more drastic is called for. I still love him, and he says he loves me too. But he’s still in love with the GB he thought he had, rather than the one that writes this blog.

I think all this will be my agenda for our next counselling session.

Erect penis length of men from different ethnic groups

Looking back over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to have had fun with guys from a diverse range of ethnic backgrounds, and an e-mail I received recently prompted me to think about this a bit. My conclusion is that there are some anatomical differences between men from different ethnic groups, for example in the average length of their erect penises.

I am definitely not a racist, or a size queen. Anyone who looks at this blog in detail will see that I’ve enjoyed fun with many different types of guys, and guys of all sizes and ages too. For example, boyfriend number 2 has an oriental background, R (aka boyfriend number 3) is Indian, and D in New York is Latin-American. If there’s a gap in my experiences though, the truth is that I haven’t been with many black guys. Perhaps black guys don’t use gaydar as much as the rest of us because I certainly haven’t been avoiding them?

So what conclusions do I have? Well, on average I reckon oriental guys (from Japan, China, and South East Asia including Indonesia) have smaller erect penises than Caucasians, on average perhaps an inch (2½cm) smaller. But the flip-side of this is that on average, oriental guys seem to end up with much harder erections. I would guess that these two observations are connected – less blood is required to sustain a good quality erection in a smaller penis. This probably explains why I’m fond of oriental guys – I’d rather have a hard penis to play with than a big one any day!

Regarding guys with South Asian backgrounds (i.e. India, Pakistan, Bangladesh), I reckon they're much the same as Caucasians. If anything, I reckon that South Asian guys are slightly better endowed than Caucasians, although statistically speaking my sample size is quite small so it’s probably not a valid conclusion.

Similarly with Latin Americans and Brazilians, I reckon they’re much the same as Caucasians too, although if there’s a difference here my experience suggests that they’re slightly less well endowed than Caucasians. Again, it’s not really a statistically significant sample.

One thing that I am convinved of though is that there’s a strong correlation between a guy’s height and his erect penis length. Of course, oriental guys tend to be a bit shorter than Caucasians, but I reckon that even taking this into account, the oriental erect penis is shorter than the corresponding Caucasian one. Another consequence of this is that I reckon Dutch guys probably have the biggest average erect penis size on the planet! Has anyone ever worked out why the Dutch are so tall?

The people with the best perspective on this subject are obviously straight women and gay men. But even straight men might have a bit more information on this than just their own personal dimensions. After all, gyms, schools, army barracks, can all put guys in situations where they see other guys naked. And although a naked guy will often have a flaccid penis, we all know that erections can occur in the most unsuitable and embarrassing situations!

A visit to a cute young guy in Marylebone

I haven't been meeting many guys for fun recently. It's probably got something to do with the situation between me and boyfriend number 1 at the moment, which is definitely weighing heavily on my usual enthusiasm for life. My blog from back in May describes 10 encounters with guys from the internet, plus several encounters in the gym sauna. My blog from last month describes just two meetings with guys from the internet, plus a lunchtime visit to see R.

But last Sunday I log on to gaydar to see how busy it is, and within a couple of minutes of entering the main London cruising chat room I get contacted by a young guy who's not that far away:

guy: how u doing?
GB: fine, u?
guy: bored and horny
GB: me too [almost an obligatory response!]
guy: got any pics m8?

Gradually we edge towards a meeting. But I can't work out how keen he is. We seem to get close to an agreement, but then he seems to go cold on the idea. Eventually I get his mobile phone number out of him so I give him a call.

"Hi, this is GB", I start, "would you like me to visit you?"

"Errr, maybe. What did you say your enjoy doing with a guy?"

I describe my sexual preferences again.

"OK sounds good, how long will it take you to get here?"

"You're in Marylebone aren't you?" I ask.

"Yes"

"OK, if I leave now I should be there in around 30 minutes."

He seems satisfied and gives me his exact address so I hang up. Great, this guy looks absolutely gorgeous in his pictures, I can't wait!

When I arrive, he's sitting in the corner of a sofa watching TV. He doesn't seem to know what to say, and curiously, seems quite absorbed in the TV programme he's watching. I take some clothes off to try and get his attention. Rather annoyingly, the way he's curled up in the corner of the sofa makes it hard to get close to him. In my experience, a nice way to start is to touch him a bit, perhaps putting my arm round his shoulders, but that's not going to be possible the way he's sitting.

Bare-chested, I sit down next to him as close I can, and rub his knee gently. He looks at me and smiles.

"Why don't I turn off the TV", he says. Yes, that would be a good start!

After he's turned off the TV he looks at me again. "So, what do you want to do?"

I look at him and he looks every bit as lovely as he did when I saw his pictures online. "Why don't you take off your T-shirt?" I suggest.

"OK sure". Good, I was worried in case he'd changed his mind.

Once his T-shirt is off, I start rubbing his nipples gently, first one, then the other. "Hmmm, that's nice", he murmurs, "do you want to suck them?"

Sure, why not. Soon I loosen the belt on his trousers. He kicks them off eagerly. "Why don't we go to the bedroom", he suggests suddenly, "it'll be more comfy there."

Once under his duvet in his bedroom, I get him to remove his undershorts too. He's got a lovely body, although he seems very passive and I find myself doing most of the work. As he gets even more aroused however, he starts getting more involved. It doesn't take long for both of us to reach a very satisfactory conclusion.

"Would you like a shower?" he offers, as he cleans himself up.

"Yes please". I don't usually have a shower in these circumstances, but if I have one now I won't have to visit the gym for a shower before going home to boyfriend number 1.

After the shower I find him watching TV again, seated in the same corner of the sofa as he was when I arrived. He's just wearing a towel now though, wrapped seductively round his waist. "Can I have a glass of water?" I ask.

"Oh yes, of course."

We chat for a short while. He's a graphic designer, although he hasn't been in the job very long.

"Did you grow up in London?" I ask.

"Yes, in Knightsbridge."

"Knightsbridge! Wow, you must have rich parents."

"Errr, maybe!" he says coyly. Yes definitely - if you grow up in Knightsbridge you are from a rich family!

Soon I finish my water and kiss him goodbye. "Safe journey home", he says.

He was a lovely guy, but for most of the time he seemed quite detached. Still, he had a gorgeous body so if I get the chance to visit him again, I wouldn't turn it down!

Would you like to be Aron Ralston?

I'm having a beer after work with a colleague recently when suddenly he says

"Do you remember Aron Ralston?"

"I don't think so", I reply, "what bank did he work for?"

"No he's not a banker!" says my colleague laughing, "He's the guy who had to amputate his own arm after he got trapped climbing a couple of years ago."

"Oh yes, I did hear about that, somewhere in the Rockies wasn't it?"

"Yes I think so. But what an experience! Wouldn't it be fantastic to have an experience like that?"

"You mean you'd like to lose an arm?" I reply horrified. "Don't you like your arms? I'm quite fond of my arms you know! Anyway it must have been horrific for him to have to do that to himself."

"But think of the exhilaration! The exhilaration must have been extraordinary!! Just imagine! You've been trapped for 5 days right, you really think you're going to die, no, in fact you know you're going to die. You considered cutting off your arm at the start, but realised you'd never be able to cut through the bone. But then you suddenly realise that it's possible to break the bone! Imagine walking away from that, what a fantastic experience."

I'm definitely not convinced.

"You know", he continues, "I bet 50% of guys would happily give their arm for an experience like that. Rather than execute some wonderful transaction for the bank they work for, or be told by their boss that they've done a fabulous job managing some boring project. There's no comparison."

Indeed. Perhaps I see what he means. I definitely need excitement and exhilaration in my life. I'm sure that's one of the things which drives me to meet guys furtively for casual sex, because it's always an adventure. (Sometimes I even get a kick out of writing this blog, it's also a tiny adventure because no one who knows me knows that I'm a blogger.)

So perhaps my colleague is right. Most people lead relatively dull lives, and maybe some of them would love to have an experience like Aron Ralston. I can't help thinking though that it's a sad reflection of modern society if people yearn to lose limbs just to add some meaning to their lives.

It's time for a health check-up

Unfortunately, when meeting other guys for fun, there’s always a risk of picking up nasty diseases. HIV is top of the list in terms of diseases to avoid of course; I think the others are mostly curable.

Anyway, following my revelation to boyfriend number 1 that I’d been on holiday in Asia with boyfriend number 2, he had found a doctor and asked how ‘clean’ I was likely to be, and whether I was likely to have any sexually transmitted diseases.

“I told a doctor that you’d been seeing a guy in Singapore”, boyfriend number 1 told me back in July.

“Uh huh”, I said, not paying much attention.

“Apparently there are all sorts of nasty diseases out there in Asia, more than we’ve got here in the UK”.

“Err, really?” Perhaps I should pay attention for a minute.

“Yes”, continued boyfriend number 1, “the doctor said I shouldn’t even touch you with a barge-pole at the moment.”

I wasn’t particularly worried because boyfriend number 2 is one of the cleanest guys I know. None the less, it’s been around six years since my last HIV checkup, so I decided I was due for another one.

But where to go? In the UK, some hospitals have special clinics for sexually transmitted diseases which by law are guaranteed to be 100% confidential. I recall being told when I was at university that some astute politicians pushed through the laws that established the clinics with their strict code of confidentiality many decades ago. Of course, I’ve always thought that the politicians probably set up the clinics like that because they wanted to get confidential treatment for all their own nasty diseases. But in any case, it’s an sensible arrangement.

My first thought is to try the clinic that I went to last time, if it’s still there. I find it on the internet without much trouble (Barts and The London). The first thing I notice is that the naming of these clinics has had a makeover - they’re now called Sexual Health clinics instead of Sexually Transmitted Disease clinics - how nice! Although both the clinics mentioned on the web site are quite conveniently located for me, they’re mostly walk-in and wait clinics. For the walk-in service, given the high demand they recommend that one needs to allow 4 hours for a visit. I can’t afford that much time! During September, I try to get one of their few appointments without success.

Eventually I find a clinic slightly further away which will give me an appointment for a “full screening”. I have to wait a couple of weeks to be seen in the Men’s Clinic, but apart from that it sounds ideal. So I wait two weeks for the appointment.

On the day I arrive early to give me time to fill in their new-patient questionnaire. Sitting in the waiting area, there’s lots of gay oriented reading material (boyz, Positive Nation). I’m in the middle of a juicy article discussing the merits of different forms of lubrication when I get called in for my consultation, right on time.

The doctor who sees me is around my age, or perhaps a bit younger. Definitely gay.

“So you’re here for a full screening”, he starts, “we’ll test you for all the major stuff including HIV. What result are you expecting?”

“Err HIV negative hopefully”.

“OK sure. So how many men do you have sex with?”

“It varies, but I probably meet on average around 1 guy a week, often from the internet, maybe fifty in total so far this year”.

No reaction. I guess he’s heard it all many times before. I can’t help myself wondering whether the doctors who work in this area can actually enjoy their own sex lives.

“Do you meet any guys from abroad?”

“Yes, especially when I’m away on business”

“Oh really”, he says, starting to get a bit more interested. “Where do you go?”

“All over. Singapore, New York, China, Hong Kong, Brazil, Tokyo, ... ”

“What about sub-saharan Africa?” he interrupts.

“No, I don’t think so.” Not recently anyway!

“Well”, he says with a glint in his eye, “I’ll be particularly interested to see if you’ve picked up any Hepatitis B infections on your travels”.

It’s a good service, but suddenly I feel like a laboratory animal, I’m just something being investigated for particularly interesting infections. I won’t be particularly interested if it turns out that I do have anything, I’ll just want it cured!

Next he has me lie back on a couch with my pants and undershorts down so he can inspect me. More feelings of being a laboratory animal as I get examined in all my most intimate areas by hands wearing those clinically white plastic gloves. Luckily he doesn’t find anything to worry about.

The last step is for all the tests. While I'm waiting, I spot an ominous looking door with the word phlebotomy on it - what on earth does that mean? Soon a male nurse takes me into a room and takes several large vials of blood from inside the bend in my elbow. But the worst is yet to come.

“Take your pants down and pull back your opening to your penis please”, he says with a smile, in one of those 'matter-of-fact' voices that only people who've done this sort of thing for too long can manage.

“Errr, OK. Will this hurt?” I ask.

“Not much, don’t worry, it’s all part of the service”.

He then proceeds to scrape a tiny plastic spatula along the skin on the inside of my penis, i.e. along the inside of my urethra.

“Ohhh that does hurt”, I say.

“Don’t worry, only two more to go”.

The second one is the same size as the first spatula but it’s the third one that really frightens me.

“That’s looks like a fluffy version of one of those umbrellas you get in cocktail drinks”, I say, “where exactly is that going?”

He doesn’t answer, instead he just thrusts the thing deep down inside my penis and swiftly pulls it out.

“AWWWWW THAT HURTS A LOT”

“OK, that should do for now, all done”, he says smiling.

"By the way, what does phlebotomy mean?" I ask while I'm getting dressed.

"It just means taking blood", he says with a grin, "so I guess you could say you've just been phlebotomized!"

It takes just over a week to get the results, but luckily they’re the results I wanted:

Chlamydia - negative
Non-specific Urethritis - negative
Gonorrhoea - negative
Syphilis - negative
HIV antibody test - negative
Hepatitis A & B – negative

The only follow up recommended is a course of vaccinations against Hepatitis A and B, apparently recommended for all men who have sex with other men.

I can't help wondering why they put the HIV test fifth in a list of six – that’s the one that everyone wants to know most? Anyway, I hope the doctor wasn’t too upset that I didn’t have any particularly interesting infections!

The benefits of blogging

I find writing this blog quite therapeutic at the moment. With all the turmoil in my life, committing one’s thoughts into words helps sort things out in my mind. Another benefit that I hadn’t anticipated is feedback that I get from people who read this blog. Like an e-mail I got from Escribo Cartas last week which asked

Could you have left your boyfriend #1 earlier in the relationship?
If not, why?

Very good questions. I think the answer goes something like this.

Although I enjoy sex, probably the biggest thing that I've got out of my relationship with boyfriend number 1 is companionship, and for me that's been a lot more precious than having a partner for sex. It would have been, or will be, very hard to let all the companionship go. But when it seemed last June that the companionship element had slipped, because boyfriend number 1 couldn't come on holiday with me, that's when everything started to unravel.

I've read that it's easier for men to have no-strings sex than women, which is what I've done for many years of course, so for me this lifestyle worked very well. A subsequent e-mail from Escribo Cartas proved however that this men versus women statement isn’t necessarily true. Something else I got from her is the quotation

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not..."

This turns out to be a quotation from the French novelist Andre Gide, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1947. I don’t think boyfriend number 1 hates me for what I’ve done, but I think he was loving me for something I wasn’t.

My second counselling session with boyfriend number 1

Early last week, I did a lot of thinking about my relationship with boyfriend number 1 and became quite upset, thinking that my 16 year relationship with boyfriend number 1 is probably finished. But somehow I felt a bit happier after our second counselling session together.

Seated with the counsellor, it was boyfriend number 1 who starts the talking:

"Since last week, I've thinking about one thing most of the time. I had thought that you'd just been with one other guy who you met in Singapore, but last time you said you'd been meeting 'men' for casual sex, not just one 'man'. How many more lies are there?"

"OK, I do want to be honest, but ...", I search for the words, "there's a couple of things I want to say before I answer that question. Actually I've been thinking about all this a lot since last week."

Both boyfriend number 1 and the counsellor are listening.

"If we split up, I do want to look after you to some extent. I know you don't have anywhere like the money or income necessary to stay in the area of London where we live at the moment. So if we split up and you wanted to stay in the area, I'd want to buy you somewhere to live, perhaps a one-bedroom garden flat if that's what you'd want."

Not much reaction, apart from a slightly muffled grunt from boyfriend number 1. I continue anyway

"I've also been thinking about my behaviour. I do accept that I was wrong to start seeing other guys for casual sex without discussing it with you."

The counsellor butts in, "Why didn't you?"

"I know what the reaction would have been, very very negative. I guess I wasn't brave enough, but I accept that's no excuse."

Boyfriend number 1 looks slightly happier. At least he's got an admission of guilt from me.

"But to answer the original question", I continue. "Over the years I've met lots of guys all over the world for casual sex, including a lot of guys in London."

"How long has this been going on?" asks boyfriend number 1 anxiously, slightly taken aback. "Have you been doing this since we first got together?"

"No, I only started meeting a few other guys about 10 years ago. But it's got worse this year. Before I never got emotionally evolved at all, but now I do feel emotionally involved with the guy I went on holiday with over the summer."

"Have you done it with any guys we know socially?" he asks. I know why he's asking this, because there's one of our friends in particular who I get on with very well, and boyfriend number 1 is thinking that we might have had a few encounters together.

"No, everyone I've met has been completely outside our social circle. And I've never brought them back to our house either, it's always been elsewhere."

"The idea that you'd had other guys in our house never even crossed my mind" interrupts boyfriend number 1. "So how many guys have you met?"

This is it. I'd been counting up so I've got my answer ready. "This year, it's probably been about fifty".

"FIFTY??", says boyfriend number 1. "How on earth did you manage that? Where did you find the time?"

"Oh I don't know", I say honestly. It sounds a lot even to me, but I know it's the right number. Anyway the last thing on my mind is perhaps the most important:

"I've got one more thing to add at the moment". Sharp intake of breath, "I'm wondering whether we wouldn't both be happier if we split up! Over the years, I think all our arguments have boiled down to one thing. I've been after an adventurous life, but you've always been after a quiet one. I guess I've been having my adventures, meeting these other guys, but I'm thinking that this is a fundamental incompatibility that we've been ignoring because we get on OK on a day-to-day basis"

I found it very hard to get the words out. But boyfriend number 1 doesn't react much. The councellor picks up on this and we talk about it a bit, but soon the discussion has drifted onto other matters. For me, the last point still needs to be resolved, one way or the other.

Now that I have been completely honest with boyfriend number 1, we seem to be getting on a bit better at home. Somehow, I guess, he knows that I'm telling the truth now. I'm sure he noticed things over the years, although he never wanted to draw the obvious conclusion that I was playing away. I don't know what's going to happen next, but after the counselling session last week at least I'm feeling a bit better about the situation.

Who's the gayest of them all?

Surfing the web recently, I found the Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter. I know it's a bit childish but whenever I see these stupid multiple choice tests, I can't resist them. With questions like

Do you have a set of lucky underwear? (No!)

Have you ever been involved in a fight in the street? (No!)

Have you ever given a sex toy as a present? (errr, Yes!)

I found it more amusing than some of this sort of trivia I've seen. In the end I scored 60% gay, with the message

Congratulations, you've scored right in the middle and are a happy and well adjusted homo guy!

I guess 60% gay means 40% straight-acting, but none the less I'm happy with the result. So what are you waiting for, take the test, the results could be especially interesting if you think you're straight!

My 16 year relationship with boyfriend number 1 is probably finished :-(

Back in June, I thought that if I was numbering the guys I have fun with, then J from the gym sauna would be boyfriend number 3. But J never returns my txt msgs or e-mails, and I never seem to see him since the gym sauna has been “Closed for renovation”. It’s become clear to me that it’s R, who I’ve now met three times, who is the real boyfriend number 3.

About two weeks ago, I spotted R on gaydar so I sent him a msg:

GB: Hi R it’s GB, how’s everything?

R: had a spot of ‘bother’ recently, I’ll tell you when I see you next, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do

What on earth does he mean by that? I didn’t delve further at the time, but a week ago last Friday when I hadn’t heard anything further I was worrying about him so I sent him a txt msg

Hi R :-) hope you’re OK, especially after you said you had a bit of ‘bother’? You know where I work, if you’re ever nearby let me know and I may be able to pop out and have a coffee with you. GB xxx

Later that day I get a reply

Nice message ta :-) am on my way to city for weekend now ..free from 6pm today

That's a nice message too! So I send him a reply and we meet up meeting for a drink around 6pm. It turns out that ‘bother’ was a bit of an understatement - R was mugged near his home and lost his phone, his credit cards, and some money including some cash they made him withdraw from a bank with his ATM card. As a result he’s looking to sell his appartment and move elsewhere. In spite of his terrible experience, we end up talking about me most of the time:

“So how are you getting on with boyfriend number 1?” asks R, wanting to change the subject away from his recent experiences.

“We had our first counselling session earlier this week”, I tell him. “Not much happened. I’ve basically told him again that I want an open relationship. He’s still a bit shell-shocked though. He said he can still remember the day I told him I’d been on holiday with boyfriend number 2, and it still feels very raw.”

“You’ve been really bad to him you know”, says R after some thought. “You’ve basically been wasting his time for years.”

“How so?”

“He’s clearly the kind of guy that wants a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend that won’t cheat on him. He’s invested sixteen years of his life into the relationship with you, and for a large part of those sixteen years you’ve been deceiving him.”

“But it’s only been no-strings sex”, I protest, “why does that matter?”

“It’s not the sex”, says R, “it’s the trust, the honesty. I agree, the sex is irrelevant, but how can he ever trust you again? He can’t live those sixteen years again with someone else who’ll be faithful to him!”

We chat for well over an hour. Slowly but surely, the truth of the situation begins to hit me. And since the chat with R it’s been sinking in more and more.

Last weekend I did some research on the internet on gay male relationships. One web site, Stages of Gay Relationship Development, was particularly useful. In the middle of the article it says

the details of the gay couples' agreement about sex and fidelity may not matter, but the adherence to that agreement does

which makes my mistake very clear. Why didn’t I discuss it with him all those years ago when I realised I wanted to meet other guys for casual sex? Looking back, it was because it was too difficult a subject, boyfriend number 1 always had strong views that his relationship had to be monogamous. Still, that’s no excuse.

But thinking about today, is the relationship fixable? Possibly, but I’ve started to think that it would be best to try and sort out a friendly separation. In all the years we’ve been together, we’ve hardly argued at all. But when I think about all the big arguments we have had over the years (including the big argument last summer when boyfriend number 1 decided not to come on holiday with me), it all comes done to one basic issue. Boyfriend number 1 is after a quiet life, but I want an adventurous one. Now I’ve realised this, I think we should probably try and work out a way to split up.

I’ve been feeling dreadful about the situation all week. I’m really upset. How could I let myself get into such a mess? I love boyfriend number 1 in many ways, how could I let him down so badly?

Last Tuesday I end up having a brief chat with boyfriend number 2 on MSN:

bf2: how are you?
GB: feeling a bit upset, actually
bf2: oh no, what happened
GB: nothing yet, but the more I think about living with boyfriend number 1, the more I think we'd both be happier if we split up
bf2: what was the latest thing that triggered this
GB: I went out for a drink last Friday eve with a guy I've met a couple of times through gaydar
GB: He reckoned I'd been wasting boyfriend number 1's time for 16 years because I couldn't be committed to him, given that I'm so unfaithful. And finally, I'm starting to see the point - he may well be right
bf2: well it's true in a way. ur friend is right to a certain degree. i think his point is that u shouldnt abuse boyfriend number 1's trust
GB: The thing that I've been thinking about the last couple of days though is that, in lots of things, boyfriend number 1 is after a quiet life, and usually I'm not
bf2: u should tell him that
GB: The few arguments we've had over the years have all been about that
bf2: tell me honestly
GB: what?
bf2: will u be happier without him?
GB: In many ways no, in some ways yes
GB: but the yes ways are important!
bf2: then u have already made ur decision
GB: maybe
bf2: anyway, u know im always here for u

Nice of him to say that at the end.

Suddenly it's all getting very serious. The boyfriend number 1,2,3 concept just started as a bit of a joke, but it's not a joke any more. I'm probably going to be alone for the first time in 16 years and I'm terrified. I'm sure it'll terrify boyfriend number 1 too. But fear of being single is a bad reason to stay together.