Friend or boyfriend?

"How do you introduce boyfriend S to people?" asks boyfriend P while he was visiting me in London last weekend.

"I say ''This is my boyfriend S'!" I answer. "Actually I did a posting recently about whether one should use the word boyfriend, partner, lover, did you see it?"

"Errr yes, I think so," replies boyfriend P, deep in thought. Although he knows about my blog, he told me back in January that he finds it hard to read because it's like reading my private diary.

I think I know why he asked about boyfriend S so I decide to confront the issue.

"Are you wondering why I introduced you as my friend, rather than my boyfriend, when we used that chauffeur I know a couple of days ago?"

"I guess so ..."

"Well, I'd absolutely LOVE to introduce you to everyone as my boyfriend :-)), but I reckon we need to agree that in advance. I know I called you my boyfriend on my blog without asking you, but I did that because that's how I think about you :-). And anyway, it's an anonymous blog. I reckon calling you my boyfriend in public requires your consent!"

"Yes I suppose you're right :-)".

"So would you like me to introduce you as my boyfriend in future?" I ask, smiling lovingly at him.

"Yes, ..., OK :-)"

But he looks a bit uncertain.

"Are you sure? You know that I'll remember this for the future!"

"Hmmmm," and he pauses, "actually let me think about it!"

What a pity :-(. But I know what his problem is. He's still got the mind-set that a guy can only have one boyfriend!

On one occasion when we were in Vietnam together he agreed to be seen in public as my boyfriend :-). At least he still *almost* feels the same way three years later!

Selfishness

After I did the recent post about my boyfriend situation, one of my readers who's in his mid 20's sent me an email which contained some interesting thoughts. The following paragraph in particular caught my attention:

Perhaps I might bring some perspective as someone at the other end of the spectrum - not just in terms of age, but in terms of freshness of experience in that I haven't really ever had any boyfriends, and that I am currently on the London dating scene (though, purely through choice, less so since the New Year). Dating is ugly. Most people have a lot of requirements, and the behaviour you got from Boyfriend R is typical of the behaviour of my generation. I don't think it's just a question of his age, but his generation. Do you see what I mean? It's a me-me-me culture these days. Not so with Boyfriend S. I expect he's probably a very low maintenance guy (your break-up excluded). There aren't that many of them left these days.

I'm not sure how old this reader thinks I am given that he puts me 'at the other end of the spectrum', because I'm nowhere near as old as that implies! But in any case, the idea that young guys are high maintenance is interesting. In my reply, I said

Whatever decade one was born in, I reckon one becomes more robust with time, or do you think that's less true for younger guys these days?

to which his response was

I do think it's less true for younger guys these days. But I think another factor is culture. I think the Continentals and Latins are very difficult per se. The Chinese/Asian cultures a bit better. Class/chips on the shoulder a factor too. Maybe you could do a survey on whether your readership thought any particular factors made for "high maintenance".

Although I'm not sure it's worth doing a survey, it's certainly easy to find 'high maintenance' guys. For example, the reader who sent me the email about being too greedy in the bedroom can't deny that his requests are in the high maintenance category!

Discussing this with boyfriend P yesterday, he thought that the me-me-me attitude is simply a manifestation of the feelings of invincibility that all young guys experience. That's always been there, however the reader is suggesting that young guys today are more selfish than young guys were a few decades ago.

I actually think that the reader might be right. In countries like Britain today, most young guys have so many more opportunities in all areas of life than their parents probably had. The more choices there are, the more choosy people become, and by extension the more demanding they become too. High maintenance guys are much less likely to find themselves boyfriends, which I think is a pity for the guys concerned. Although I've got a bit of a reputation for casual hook-ups, I am a big fan of deeper relationships. However, I also think that as guys get older their ability to compromise grows. So perhaps even today's most high maintenance young guys will eventually be capable of forming relationships :-).

Gay men shopping

"I see you like to keep your shopping bags separate," I say to boyfriend P as we're queueing for the London Eye yesterday.

Although I reckon the London Eye is really for tourists, we'd decided that it would make a nice break from all the shopping that boyfriend P wants to do while he's visiting me in London over Easter.

"How do you mean?" asks boyfriend P.

"Well, while you were trying on those trousers in that last shop, I carefully put that small Molton Brown bag inside that big Top Man bag. But I see that you're carry them both separately now!"

Boyfriend P giggles.

"The rule is," he explains with a smile on his face, "you're not allowed to 'downgrade' something. Molton Brown is definitely a cut above Top Man, so I'll carry them separately because I can't fit the Top Man bag into the Molton Brown bag!"

"So what happens if we end up buying something from Gucci?"

"Do you really need to ask?" asks boyfriend P disdainfully. "All the stuff that we've bought so far would be upgraded by carrying it in a Gucci bag!"

Am I too greedy in the sack?

Last weekend, I received the following email from a reader with whom I've exchanged quite a few emails in the past. But this time he was asking for some advice:

Dear GB,

I am a young, moderately attractive, bottom guy. To the extent that it makes any difference, and for the purposes of full disclosure only, I am also an intelligent man who works (with some success) in a demanding job in the City. I wondered whether your readership might have an opinion on whether I was too greedy in the bedroom.

To be succinct, I like receiving a minimum amount of anal attention in the bedroom. By this, I mean maybe 4 or 5 or more times a night. I have always thought this was reasonable, and plenty of guys have been able to meet this requirement. To add further colour, I am not the sort of guy that needs to be pounded all night long; soft gentle strokes work just as well for me (though I am happy to be pounded too). And to counter this greed, I am very generous in other areas, giving head in particular (which I think I do very well - I don't gag, am happy to deep-throat, and can really enjoy this for 30, 40 or 50 minutes at a time).

The reason I ask is that I have found myself becoming very irritated when I meet/date a guy and he thinks once a night is enough. If I liked a guy a lot then I guess I could just about live with 2 to 3 times a night.

This hit a head because in the last two months I have now thrown 3 guys out of my house in the early hours because they had had the audacity to push me away, grab their pillows and say they were "too tired" (in all cases after just a single time). In those circumstances I have taken the view that they can sleep in their own beds, they are no use to me!

The only final factor of relevance is timing: I usually time myself to come at the same time as the other guy. I'm neither fast nor so, and can come quickly or slowly.

Any thoughts?

After I stopped laughing, I replied to the reader and suggested that no one would believe that I hadn't made this up! But in fact I don't doubt that the reader is mostly sincere. I recall an email from the same reader last December, lusting after clandestine sexual escapades with New York firemen after another reader had used that phrase in an email to me :-).

So is this reader too greedy in the bedroom? Probably! There are actually chemicals that get released in the male brain that cause tiredness and sleep after orgasms, so the reader is after guys that can repeatedly overcome this natural effect.

But is the reader really after this much sex every night? It seems hard to believe, given that he works (with some success) in a demanding job in the City. It's also true that this reader doesn't have a boyfriend, so he doesn't have an assured outlet for his sexual desires. Indeed, I reckon that the best answer to this is for the reader to find a nice top guy to be his boyfriend :-). If he gets his oats just twice a night, every night, then perhaps he won't feel the need get his arse so completely shagged off when he does manage to lure a man into his bed!

Do any other readers have any other thoughts on this subject?

Email from a student in the north of England

Last week, I received the following email from a new reader:

Dear GB,

I came across your site when searching for rent boys in London (nothing seedy I assure you). I was talking with my best friend (a very typical straight lad) about what being a rent boy might be like and how much you might earn, when I came across your post about being one for a night. Unfortunately I am a little like the guy who hired you as I can't bring myself to terms with the facts, I'm crying out to my friends by talking explicitly about boys in the school, their physique, demeanour etc. I can't help but catch a glance at them and fantasize. But I see myself growing old with a wife and kids, however this may be a problem for next time.

You see I'm a student from the north of England who is eighteen years old, approaching the end of my courses in college, I took maths and further maths, biology, chemistry and computing (which I dropped last week to concentrate on the others). I've applied to universities this year namely Newcastle, Warwick, Bristol, Durham and Cambridge for maths. I was rejected from Bristol and Cambridge and got offers from Newcastle and Warwick. The reason I'm writing this is that the one place I had set my hopes upon was Durham and after checking my emails, found out the devastating news not only 2 hours ago. I was sure I would get in, I'm sporty, do well(ish) in school and am generally a very nice guy, but this makes me want to cry.

I have no inclination to go anywhere else so I want to take a gap year where I gain experience of the world and be a more appealing prospective student next year for Durham. So I wanted some advice and guidance because I have wanted to work in the City and my dream job would be an investment banker. My year out is not a rash decision, I have been contemplating it since my first rejections came through and have been saying to myself that if Durham said no then I would reapply next year to get in. Lots of my friends have got places but most importantly, it's so nice there and I can't see myself going anywhere else.

I have thought about the options I have. The chance of going to Africa to teach for a while is a possibility. I would love a job/placement in the city for some time to understand it and help me commit to the life I want. How would I go about getting said job/placement? My other question(s) are; what do you think would look most impressive on a CV/application? Would taking a year out hurt my chances of a job later as I wouldn't look so academic?

My options are not limited to what I have stated here, any extra input would be so greatly valued

Your not so long time reader yet great enthusiast,

I don't usually give career advice here, because I think it's better to try and keep this blog tightly focused on gay issues, however this email does contain a couple of gay issues as well as the career queries. I also noticed that the guy is a budding mathematician, and since I'm keen on sums myself, I've decided to make an exception on this occasion :-). So within a few hours of receiving the email I'd replied suggesting that I write a 'Dear GB' answer for him, and a few hours later he sent me another email agreeing.

Both in connection with his personal life and his university choice, I can see that this guy is a bit scared of the unknown. It's only natural, after all he's only eighteen years old, and at that age no one really knows what the best direction is for their life. He lives in the north of England, and Durham, his preferred university, is also located in the north of England so presumably it's not too far from his home town. Since it's also where his friends are going it's clearly the most comfortable choice. Similarly in connection with his personal life, he obviously might be bi-sexual or gay, but it doesn't sound as though he's made any big steps yet to work it out one way or the other. So I think my best advice is to recommend a bit of bravery in both directions.

Given his academic inclinations towards maths and perhaps a banking career in the City, I definitely think he should go to Warwick. The Times Good University Guide even puts Warwick slightly ahead of Durham, and there's no doubt that Warwick is a very good university to study maths. More than that, the Warwick Finance Research Institute (including the Financial Options Research Centre) is located there. It's also much closer to London than Durham is, so Warwick will naturally have more connections with banks in the City than Durham has, especially in the area of quantitative finance which is relevant in his case.

Additionally, I think that taking a year out is a great idea, provided that he's got something good to do with that year which will broaden his horizons. Teaching in Africa sounds great. I also think taking a year out between school and university means that one ends up getting much more out of one's university years, and the end result is that he'll be a better candidate for whatever career he wants to follow. I think creativity is at least as important as academic achievements, and if nothing else, a year out doing something interesting shows a bit more creativity than simply going directly from school to university. So without further ado, I reckon he should immediately ask Warwick to postpone his entry for one year, and then focus on finding something to do for his year out, without forgetting that he should study hard for his end of year exams :-).

In terms of job/placement in a bank, I think it's best to aim for that during the summer holidays once he's at university, perhaps in between his 2nd and 3rd years. Those positions are called internships, and most major banks have internship programs. Information may be available from their web sites, but perhaps its best to write to the Human Resources department of each bank and ask for information about the application procedure. For gay candidates there's also the 'investment banking inside and out' event to help candidates find out more about what a career in banking involves. I recall from when I attended the event last November that the Human Resources staff who were there were all keen to get internship applications from anyone who was interested.

Moving back to his personal life, given that he might be gay or bisexual he should be aware of the dangers of falling in love with his straight friends. The result can be that a perfectly good friendship is ruined, which is particularly traumatic for anyone who's just working out that they're gay or bisexual. Avoiding a difficult situation like that might be another reason to go to Warwick rather than Durham. Given his comments that he fantasizes about other boys, I definitely think he should follow up on this physically at some point, because the fewer doubts that one has about oneself the better. Either "I was bi-curious as a teenager but it turned out I was straight" or "I never fancied girls and it turned out I was gay" is fine, but "I'm bi-curious but never followed up on it" isn't OK! The last thought probably really means "I'm bi-curious but am too scared to find out more", but in any case while these kind of thoughts linger they hold the person back because sexuality is such a fundamental part of who anyone is. It also helps when applying for jobs, in the sense that the more self-knowledge one has the more confident one is :-).

Lastly, should he earn a bit of cash as a rent boy? I don't think that it's a particularly easy thing to do. I recall being told that one should only be a rent boy if one wouldn't mind having sex with one's grandfather, because the bulk of a rent boy's clients are older guys. Younger guys don’t typically have the expendable income to buy rent boys, and usually don't need to pay for sex anyway! But if anyone wants to know what a rent boy charges, simply get a gaydar account (which is free for the basic service) and visit the escort/client chat rooms. All the rent boys specify their basic fees on their profiles.

Anyway, do any other readers have any other advice for this student?

Boyfriend problems

It seems likely that within a week, I'll be bound into legal contracts to buy a house for my boyfriend S (aka boyfriend number 1). It's all a bit traumatic. Last September, even though this is largely an anonymous blog I couldn't even bring myself to blog about the situation directly, choosing instead to write a 'Dear GB' posting to myself. Although the house that we considered buying for him last November turned out to be unsuitable, another house has been identified and we're now almost at the end of the legal process to buy it.

I also mentioned in this year's Valentine's Day posting that I seem to have fallen out with boyfriend R (aka boyfriend number 3). Losing one boyfriend might be regarded as unlucky, but to lose two is just careless! Of course, as I've said before, boyfriend R was never really a proper boyfriend, and certainly nothing close to the depth of relationship that I have with boyfriend S or boyfriend P (aka boyfriend number 2).

I find myself wondering whether boyfriend P will get on well with my friends, if he ever meets any of them. I've met a few of his friends now, but I've never introduced him to any of mine. There are two reasons why that hasn't happened, firstly because boyfriend P doesn't live in the UK, and secondly because I didn't want to put boyfriend S in an awkward situation. Apart from guys that I've met while cruising online, all my friends in London know boyfriend S. In most people's minds a gay guy has just one boyfriend, so introducing them to boyfriend P would be very confusing for them. But once boyfriend S moves into his own house I guess I won't have to worry so much about that any more.

But I do wish there was a gay equivalent to the word 'mistress'. If a straight guy divorces his wife as a result of a long affair with another woman, he might end up deepening his relationship with the other woman in which case it would be easy to explain that she used to be his 'mistress'. But whatever happens to my relationship with boyfriend P, there's no readily available gay term to describe the type of relationship that I've had with him. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!

An email about condoms, oral sex, and dick size!

A couple of days ago, I got an email from a regular reader who I've corresponded with before. In fact, it was from the same reader that asked me about gay parenting a couple of months ago. But this time he had other things on his mind:

Dear GB,

How are you lately? It's me again! Your latest posting got me thinking about two things.

I recently learnt that unprotected oral sex has a non-negligible risk of HIV transmission and cases have certainly been documented. This got me worried and when I called up the GUM clinic they were fully booked for the next four weeks! Suggested I came for the drop ins in the morning but that means I will have to try and arrange a sick line for half a day. Wonder what the reason for absence would read? 'Sexual health check-up' would do well in raising my boss's eyebrows! :)

Do you use condoms for oral sex in casual hook-ups? A lot of guys seem to think that it's weird for some reason.

The second thing is the 'dick size' on gaydar. I think 'small' and 'extra large' are usually right. But a guy's perception of what constitutes 'average' and 'large' can vary quite a bit depending on the number of dicks they've seen and the size of their own equipment. What do you think?

Interesting questions, and also a reminder that I should go and have a sexual health check-up myself! I had a check-up in late 2005, and then another about a year later which I didn't blog about, but that was almost 18 months ago now so I'm definitely due for another.

My understanding of HIV transmission is that it needs to get into your blood to infect you. So with oral sex, common sense suggests that if, for example, you've got gums that bleed when you brush your teeth, and if you've also got HIV infected fluids in your mouth, then in that situation HIV has a route into your blood stream. But I think it's also true that mouths are typically quite hostile places for HIV, which dies very quickly in that kind of environment like a fish out of water. That means the risk is only to the guy doing the sucking, not the guy being sucked off!

I recall being told during my last sexual health check-up that the statistical chance of being infected by HIV during oral sex with another guy is something like 1 in 1250. Although that's a very small chance, each time you repeat the activity the cumulative chance of being infected grows. So if you suck off a different guy every day for 3 years it means that you'd have around a 50% chance of being infected! However, I also think the pre-cum of an infected guy contains much less HIV than the cum itself, so if you avoid getting his cum in your mouth I think it's much lower risk.

One thing that amazes me is how infrequently I get asked about my HIV status when cruising online. I think it's a reasonable question to ask before engaging in any kind of intimate activity, so I do ask. Although guys don't always know their true status themselves, and although a guy could lie even if he knows that he's HIV positive, some HIV positive guys would answer truthfully or discontinue the conversation so it seems logical that asking the question decreases my statistical chance of being infected. But it almost seems to be a taboo subject, because it's the thing that no one wants to think about, especially when one's cruising. Indeed, a lot of guys seem to have the "it won't happen to me" attitude, which no doubt contributed to the HIV scandal in the UK gay porn industry that the BBC reported recently.

I definitely think everyone needs to make up their own mind about this, not least because viruses can mutate, so just because something is low risk today doesn't mean that it will be low risk tomorrow. Based on the information above, my current guess is that if one has good oral hygiene, with no cuts in one's mouth or bleeding gums, and if the guy says that he's HIV negative, then as long as he doesn't cum in your mouth the chance of infection is probably almost negligible. If so, just sucking the other guy's dick briefly to give him a different kind of stimulation is probably almost completely safe. But beyond that the risks rise so I think a condom should be worn. Unfortunately I reckon it's true that most guys don’t bother for oral sex, however far they go, and I confess that if a guy wants to suck me off I don't immediately offer to put a condom on unless he asks me to which is very rare. Indeed, on gaydar it's very easy to find guys who are eager to suck off other guys all the way to 'kingdom cum', so there's clearly a lot of unsafe oral sex going on. Also, there are lots of other diseases and infections around, so just focusing on HIV can be a mistake.

In terms of dick size on gaydar, it's something I honestly never pay any attention to. Although I've met a lot of guys from gaydar, not once have I bothered to compare their actual dick size with their description. I reckon everything else is so much more important.

Do gay guys really prefer big dicks? Not necessarily I think. I've said it before but I'd much rather have a hard dick to play with than a big one :-). Indeed, in terms of the previous discussion, is it more enjoyable to fit something into one's mouth all the way, or to choke oneself in the attempt? In that context, perhaps small is beautiful after all!

Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on these matters?

A lengthy courtship

Last December, while I was on a business trip to America, I log in to my gaydar account to check messages and find the following message waiting for me from a guy called G who I've never heard from before:

G: Looking for some *fun* tonight. Good looking, 5'11, med build British guy.

The message had been sent the previous day and even if I'd picked it up in the morning, London would have been a bit too far to travel, even for a nice looking guy like G! But it would be good to meet him when I get back to London so I send him an encouraging reply:

GB: thx for msg yesterday m8 :-), I'm too late for last night but would be good to meet another time if ur up for it? GB xxx

My experience is that when guys send messages like this, usually nothing ends up happening if one isn't available at the time originally requested. But a couple of days later, I get a pleasant surprise when the following message arrives:

G: Yes sure I live central so anytime. Maybe sometime next week. G x

So I send him some more pics of me, and soon we've exchanged mobile phone numbers too. He looks like a really sweet guy so I'm definitely looking forward to hooking up with him :-).

Even though G had suggested "next week" in one of his text messages, on my return from America I find myself wondering whether G might be free at the weekend. So after my usual Sunday morning gym session, I decide to send him a txt msg to test the water, and see if I've got his mobile phone number down correctly:

GB: Hi is that G? Weekday lunchtimes are possible for me, but is today any good? GB xxx

Within fifteen minutes a reply arrives:

G: Hi GB, no I am working today. Next week lunch time is best. G x

which is fair enough because he didn't suggest meeting over the weekend. I much prefer meeting guys after work, because as a banker it can be hard to take long lunch breaks, but occasionally it is possible as long as I don't do it too often. So it's easy to draft my reply:

GB: OK sure, so I'll send u a txt msg 2mrw morning when I've checked diary at work :-). Have fun! GB xxx

The following day is the start of the last full week before Christmas and things are starting to get quiet. Half-way through the morning it's clear that taking a long lunch will be possible, so I decide to send G a proposal:

GB: Hi G, hope work wasn't too stressful yesterday. I could visit today if you're up for it, how about 1pm ish? GB xxx

G: Hello GB sorry I cant today a bit busy. Wednesday is good for me or maybe Thursday? G x

I realise that given the time of year, it's not going to be a problem taking a long lunch any day this week, although not every day is good for me because I do have a couple of client lunches organised. So I send him another proposal:

GB: OK G, Wednesday no good for me, but Thursday lunchtime would work :-). So shall we provisionally agree Thursday? (NB: Tuesday also possible for me, either lunchtime or early eve. Friday won't work). GB xxx

He doesn't send me a reply but no matter, in general he's been very responsive so I have no doubt that he's genuine. When Wednesday arrives and I arrive at the bank, I find an email cancelling the client lunch so I send G a txt msg to see whether it's possible to meet him after all:

GB: Hi G, it turns out that I am free today after all, so would it be convenient for me to visit you today lunchtime ish? Or tomorrow still works? GB xxx

G: Hello GB tomorrow is good for me if its good for you. G x

GB: OK great stuff G, tomorrow still works for me. Lets confirm tomorrow morning, and then you can give me exact details of where to go :-). GB xxx

Although he's being responsive, he does seem to be changing his story a bit. Originally he'd been very casual and had simply suggested weekday lunchtimes, but so far he hasn't been able to do any of them!

Thursday arrives so I send him a txt msg for final confirmation:

GB: So, shall we meet at ur place today m8? I could leave work 12 noon for 12:30pm ish arrival, but I'm flexible? If ur up for it, I'll need exact address, including full postcode if poss 2 look u up on multimap.com :-). GB xxx

but I don't get the reply I'm expecting:

G: Hi GB sorry to let you down but something has come up and need to in into work! I am in tomorrow untill 2. Pm he thats any good. Sorry about today. G x

Awwww, after all the txt msgs this week it seems like it's not going to be possible to meet this guy after all :-(! It's also interesting that this txt msg contains several typos. Still, at least he hasn't simply stopped responding to me which is what some guys do in this situation. It's still surprising though, so eventually I decide to check again:

GB: Tomorrow v difficult for me G, are you unavailable ALL day today? GB xxx

G: Its another day I am afraid! Sorry to let you down but is being the last week before xmas things always go wrong with work! G x

Taking stock of the situation, it suddenly occurs to me that perhaps G is new to all this. That would certainly explain all the procrastination, and would also explain why there were uncharacteristic typos his first txt msg today, because he could have been very nervous about the situation. Starting to meet other gay guys for the first time can be very daunting, so I decide to send him a long supportive txt msg:

GB: OK G, no probs, although unfortunately tomorrow really won't work for me. Please don't take this the wrong way but my guess is that you've met very few (if any!) guys like this before, and you're a bit scared. Your behaviour is 100% consistent with that anyway, because in the past I've met quite a few guys in that situation. Anyway, if that is the case, this txt msg is just to say "Don't Panic"! If you do want to meet me for a bit of harmless *fun* at some point, just send me a txt msg. Today is possible, tomorrow isn't, but in any case just send me a txt msg when you're ready and we'll try and work something out (NB I'll be out of the country for almost three weeks in Jan). Take care and Happy Christmas :-), GB xxx

I don't expect a reply and I'm not disappointed because I don't get one! Until last Sunday that is, ten weeks later, when the following sweet little txt msg arrives:

G: Hi GB, this is G from GD. I spoke to you before xmas. If you fancy coming one night after work next week text me. G

Wow, I guess that long txt msg had the desired effect! Actually, I always reckon that I'm quite a good guy to meet if a guy hasn't had many experiences with other guys, because I'm not judgemental and I do understand what it's like to be in that situation. I've also met quite a wide variety of gay guys for various activities over the years, so whatever happens I'm likely to be able to respond in a calm and sensitive way.

GB: Hi G I remember you :-). I need to check my work diary, I know Monday is out but Tues eve might be OK? GB xxx

G: Yes that would be great. Let me know for sure tomorrow. G x

The following day, I check my work diary and as expected, for a meeting after work it has to be Tuesday. So I send him a txt msg to confirm:

GB: Yes G, it looks like I can visit you after work tomorrow :-). For now, can you give me your full postcode so I can look you up on multimap.com to get a clear idea of exactly where you are? GB xxx

If he gives me his post-code it'll be a clear sign that he's likely to go through with meeting me this time:

G: Hi GB 6pm is best. Post code is XXX XXX. Just to say its an ex-council flat and not very attractive on the outside! G x

GB: Don't worry about what it looks like on the outside G, I'll be visiting for a bit of *fun* with you on the inside! GB xxx

This time everything goes according to plan. I leave work early, just after 5pm, and twenty minutes later I'm getting out of a cab in front of a clean but uninspiring council estate. He buzzes me into his building and soon I'm stepping out of the lift onto his floor. Just as I reach his door, it opens and I see G's face peering out at me.

"Brrrr, it's a bit cold out here!" I say grinning at him, "can I come inside?"

"Yes, sure," replies G quietly.

"Anyway, hopefully you'll be able to warm me up!" I say, catching his eye to gauge his response. I always find that mentioning the impending activities helps to break the ice in these situations, especially with someone who may be new to all this.

Face to face G looks just like the pictures that he'd sent me back in December. He was probably exceptionally cute when he was in his early twenties, and now he's just turned 30 there's no doubt that he's a good looking guy, just as he said he was in the first gaydar message that he sent me. At the moment though, I can tell that he's feeling a bit nervous, so I decide that I need to keep talking.

"Is it OK to leave my gym bag here?" I ask him, even though he surely can't have any objection.

"Yes sure."

Dropping my bag on the floor, I take my coat off before turning to face him. Gently I reach out and put my left hand on his right shoulder.

"Nice to meet you at last," I say quietly, smiling again and rubbing his shoulder, "where shall we go?"

"Errr, is in here OK?" he says, pointing through the nearest door into a room where I can see a single bed along the furthest wall.

"Yes great :-)."

We both go and sit down on the bed to take our shoes and socks off and soon we've both stripped down to our undershorts. Looking down, I can tell that G's pleased to see me!

"That looks very nice :-)" I say sitting down next to him, and feeling him gently through his undershorts. "So what shall we do?"

"Nothing heavy, if that's OK ..."

"Sure," I say putting my arm round him and holding him on his shoulder again, "do you like kissing?"

"Errr, yes sure :-)", and keeping my hand on his shoulder, I lean forward and kiss him gently on the lips. He doesn't resist and kisses me back, slowly at first, but soon a bit more eagerly. Before long I'm tugging at his undershorts, which are starting to become an unwelcome barrier to further progress.

"Hmmm, that's better," I say as I pull them off, "WOW, you're not a small guy are you mate!"

It's not long before we're both lying naked on the bed with each other, and taking our time, we have a wonderful session together. Afterwards, we chat a bit while we're cleaning up. And although he'd been quite relaxed in my company during the activities, I can tell that now he feels a bit uncomfortable again. I decide not to overstay my welcome so after my customary glass of water I grab my gym bag and head for the door.

"Do send me another txt msg if you want to meet up again mate," I say as I'm letting myself out, "it's been fun :-)".

Looking back, I've often noticed that it can be the cutest guys that have the biggest equipment. They'll have a sweet face, and most of the time it doesn't look as though there's much there to speak about downstairs. But once aroused it's a very different story, and always looks fantastic coupled with their "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" face! So if G contacts me again, I'll definitely go back for a second helping :-).

Email from a gay guy with a dating issue

Last weekend, I received an email from a new Asian reader who was looking for career advice, and also my view on a situation that had developed with a guy that he’d been dating. These days I try to keep this blog focused on gay issues so I’m not going to mention the aspects of this email which related to his career, however the piece of the email which related to his dating issue was as follows:

Dear GB,

I recently met a guy for some casual fun but somehow we seemed to have connected at an emotional level too. We decided to meet again and it became a common occurrence. We were spending hours talking. He also took me out to some really nice restaurants at a social level. I had expressed my feelings for him to him, and asked if he could not reciprocate please let me know. He did not refuse it and instead encouraged more meetings. This all happened relatively quickly but I suppose we got along so well. He then wanted to tell me that he had a "younger brother" who came to him for advice. At that time it did not click with me that this person was his lover. Unfortunately, by accident I discovered it was his lover. I decided to stop seeing him even though I liked his company because I felt it was morally wrong and I am not the sort of person who will break a relationship. Subsequently, I sent him some flowers to say let's be friends because we had a connection.

So far he has neither rejected me or responded to my offer of friendship. I am confused. I know he genuinely liked me and treated me with respect. What do you think I should do?

I’ve read those paragraphs several times now, and there are so many things which could be going on here.

The exact nature of the relationship between the guy who the reader was dating and the guy’s lover is not clear from the description. The situation that the reader seems to fear is that the guy is happily partnered to his lover, but that might not be the case. It might also be a casual connection, like the one that the reader was developing with the guy. Even if it is a relationship, for some reason it might be an unhappy one and perhaps the guy is looking for an exit. Another possibility is that the guy and his lover have agreed an open relationship.

However, the reader does give the impression in the email that he made a hasty decision to exit the situation. Perhaps a more pragmatic approach would have been better, because with more information he might have made a different decision. After all, the two of them do seem to have some connection with each other.

A few weeks ago I did a post about how I thought gay relationships should be constructed. I reckon that it's the commitments that one makes to each other that's important, so that monogamy isn't important as long as the right commitments are there. However in this case, since the guy the reader was dating was encouraging a closer and closer connection between the two of them, it could be that he was breaking commitments that he might have made to his lover. If that is the situation, then I guess he's not to be trusted.

Still, I think the reader is right to try and cultivate friendship with this guy, if possible. If the guy rejects friendship, then underneath he's probably not a very nice person so it's no great loss. In some scenarios it's even possible to imagine that the two of them might become boyfriends, and if that were to happen ever, at least the other guy will know where he stands in connection with fun outside the relationship!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this?

Lunch with my friend P

I hadn't seen my friend P since last November so it was good to catch up with him last Friday. We'd arranged to have lunch together at the smart Italian restaurant near my office, and after we've placed our order, the conversation becomes more interesting.

"What have you been up to then?" I ask him, hoping for a good story. P's private life can be quite colourful at times.

"Oh, the usual!" replies P, grinning mischievously. "Actually I went to a big conference in Paris with work a few weeks ago, and I had to share this cheap flat in the suburbs with my straight Russian colleagues. I even had to share a room with one of the other guys. But I didn't fancy him so I didn't embarrass myself."

"But they know you're gay, right?"

"No, they think I'm as straight as a die," he says with a smirk on his face, "and actually I quite enjoyed that, being one of the lads for a while and going to strip clubs with them!"

"What? You went to a girlie strip club??"

"Yeah of course, that's what straight guys do, right! Luckily we'd had loads to drink so I didn't have to perform with any of the strippers or anything. But one of them fancied me, I'm sure I could have pulled her, she said I was cute before she took her clothes off in front of me. She put her fanny right up close to my face and I'll swear that it smelt of M&S tuna fish."

"But off course she'll tell you she likes you," I laugh, "that's her job!"

"Errr, well she didn't have to say that," says P defensively, but from his expression I can tell that he knows he's on dodgy ground.

"Anyway, when the Russians left I stayed for the weekend," he continues, "but then I wasn't pretending to be straight!".

"Did you find any nice Parisian guys for fun then?"

"I must have downloaded gigabytes of data to my phone as I trawled round the gay fleshpots of Paris," laughs P, "because if one place wasn't any good I moved on to the next one!"

P pauses to eat some of his lasagna, but of course I want to know what happened.

"Well you can't stop there mate," I tell him. In my mind I'm thinking that I'll be able to post the story here on Sunday if it's got a good conclusion.

"You know I always tell you everything GB," replies P reassuringly, still eating. "Anyway, I ended up in this maze in this sauna, and I was being felt by this guy when I suddenly realised it was someone who'd been at the same conference as me!"

P seems to think that that's particularly amusing, although it's not clear to my why. "Did that matter?" I ask.

"No I guess not, but anyway, I spotted someone who was cuter so eventually I did the business with him instead, in one of their private cubicles :-). I felt a bit guilty afterwards because the first guy seemed quite nice, and as he was still around afterwards I ended up chatting to him a bit. It turned out that he was going to be in London so I agreed to meet him over here."

"Uh huh, and did you?" I ask, "if he wasn't good enough for you in Paris why would you want to see him in London?"

"Well I don't know, I just did because he was OK even if the other guy was cuter, so I picked him up from his hotel in my convertible and showed him the sights of London."

"Sightseeing doesn't sound like you P, what sights did you show him?"

"Well where do you think," laughs P, "Chariots of course!"