tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-106677002024-03-16T07:08:08.400+00:00Gay BankerBack in 2005 I was blogging about my sex life, but gradually I seem to have become an agony uncle. Investment banker became blogger became agony uncle.<br> Stranger things have happened!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.comBlogger942125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-24243663902186385082023-10-27T10:03:00.004+01:002023-10-27T10:19:06.281+01:00Email from a guy who lives in Asia<img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px;" alt="Dear GB" data-original-height="2067" data-original-width="2975" title="Dear GB, ..." src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisz2jwv2DfFdUPKRZtbEg3lfUUs_5TTBgq6EfxwRnLZiHR29clPLpr8hDi5VruTakDKaMPg9n6knPFTpOHx9QxsIe_trAwkLDGkGxhjFwwgXNM06205F3LyhsZ888SO-5E99RCYdVLidedExxN9vY6vn33oHqCXWjBsyAexGHVU3G2U7oOapFo/s320/dgb.jpg" width="40%" border="0" /><p>When I was a regular blogger, I often got emails from readers asking for advice on a range of issues. I'd send them a brief email in reply, and then I would reply publically in a blog post with my thoughts along with their original email. Other readers could then leave their own ideas too in the comment section. Sometimes I'd make a few minor edits to the email, for example, however the actual email begins, when I post it on this blog it always begins "Dear GB".
</p><p>
I’m still happy to try and answer these kinds of emails, and when I checked my GB email account a couple of weeks ago, the following was waiting for me:
<div><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">Dear GB,
<br /><br />
I have just recently discovered your blog and I love it. I hope you are still answering questions and would love to hear from you.
<br /><br />
Anyway, I am a 33 year old guy living in an Asian country (I won't say which country it is) where being gay is illegal and frowned upon. It's not such an extreme country, there are still gay clubs & bars despite being illegal but you don't want to hold hands in public with your boyfriend if u don't want to get beaten up.
<br /><br />
Anyway I find it really hard to find any men to date these days. I don't go to clubs because I used to go when I was young and some bad stuff happened that makes me never want to go again. I also can't ask my friends to match make because I can't tell my friends I'm gay. The only way to date is through the app, and we all know 99% of them are not looking to date. They only need a quick fuck.
<br /><br />
Recently also my dad has tried to match make me into marrying a girl. He doesn't know that I am gay. I can tell him and I know he & my mom would still love me but I know deep down inside they will be crying a river and I don't have the heart to do that. Since I'm 33 they have been asking me about getting married more & more and it's stressing me. I feel like I want to leave this country for good but I don't think I am qualified enough to get a professional job in other countries. I can work as an immigrant but then it would be a huge step backward career wise.
<br /><br />
When I was younger, slimmer & beautiful it was so easy to get a boyfriend on dating apps. I am not fat but I am a bit chubby and I am no longer a twink and losing weight is extremely hard at this age. I have to starve myself and workout every day and I barely lose any weight. Being a bottom like me, there is not much market for you if you are no longer in your 20s and you are neither muscular or twink-ish. At least that is how it is from where I came from.
<br />
<br />I feel stuck in my situation. I don't want to grow old alone or having forced to marry a woman and living a lie. However I might have to choose between those 2 options if nothing changes. 😔.<br />
<br />Sincerely,<br />
Lonely guy</p></span></div>
It had been about 2 weeks since he sent the email, so as soon as I'd read it I replied immediately:
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">Dear Lonely Guy,
<br /><br />
I just got your email, because I only check my GB inbox rarely these days. Sorry to hear about your situation. Whatever country you're in, without doubt you're not the only gay guy there who has these kind of problems. Let me think a bit, and then I'll do a post for you on my old blog, without revealing you email address of course.
<br /><br />
Do you have any more information you'd like to share at this stage? In any case, for now, just remember that you are not alone 🙂.
<br /><br />
GB xxx</p></span>
<p>We ended up exchanging quite a few emails, and apart from his dating problem, he told me about some other difficulties that he's having at the moment.
</p><p>
Looking back through my old blog posts, I've said it so many times, but confidence is the key to success in so many areas of life. Confidence is mental strength, the certain knowledge that whatever happens in life one can deal with it, and the inner calm that accompanies that knowledge. When I read his first email I felt that perhaps he lacked confidence, so at one point during our email conversation I wrote:</p>
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">Maybe you should try and build a bit more confidence somehow. Do you have any ideas about how you might do that?</p></span>
Getting people to solve their own problems always works much better than telling them what the solution might be. But he answered:
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">Hmmm. I am not sure but I don't think I have a severe self-confidence issue to be honest. I think I am decently confident. I think it was more of a sad & depressed tone that u got from the first email as I am kinda lonely these days.</p></span>
Sometimes in life, things can spiral downward out of control. A couple of bad things happening at the same time can put a person in a bad frame of mind, and then because of the way they're feeling they underperform in other areas too causing more bad things to happen, and so things continue like that going from bad to worse to even worser! That may have happened with this guy, and then with no family, friends or boyfriend to support him, he ends up sending me his first email with the sad and depressed tone.
<br /><br />
Nonetheless, because confidence is so important, it is worth making a suggestion for how other readers might improve their confidence. GB suggests taking baby steps to improve one's confidence, and to start by picking tasks that are very easily achievable. For example, if you're often arriving at work a couple of minutes late, can you set your alarm clock to get up just five minutes earlier and then actually get up when the alarm clock goes off for a whole week and get into work on time? Oh, you can, well done, you can achieve stuff, what's the next task to focus on? Even achieving simple tasks boosts confidence. Of course, that task is just an example, each person needs to pick simple tasks that are appropriate for them.
<br /><br />
One thing that the reader says in his first email is that when he was younger, slimmer and beautiful it was easy to get a boyfriend. I have a lot to say to that.
<ul><li>Firstly, young, slim and beautiful are not the attributes that make long term relationships successful. What about personality, stability, generosity, compassion, wisdom, and an ability to compromise so that it's possible to get through the arguments that all couples inevitably have? Younger guys are generally not as stable or as wise as older guys, but for long term relationships those attributes are more important than beauty and waist size.</li><br />
<li>The beauty implied by the phrase "young and beautiful" is only skin deep. Maybe young and beautiful guys make a quick fuck more enjoyable, but that kind of beauty fades over time, as does youth. Is the reader is looking for young, slim and beautiful guys online? If so, he's not focussing on what's important in a boyfriend.</li><br />
<li>One can't make oneself younger, but not being as slim as one would like is a solvable problem. Admittedly it takes more effort to be slim as one gets older, but I still try to avoid being too fat even though I’m much (much!) older than this reader. Avoiding obesity is also important for health reasons. Excess weight puts more strain on one's heart, more stain on one's knees, and over time that leads to other health problems. Furthermore, if being chubby saps one's confidence when looking for a boyfriend, that’s another important reason to lose weight. GB again recommends taking baby steps rather than trying to follow the latest fad diet. Eat slightly better each week, and do slightly more exercise each week so that over time it gradually becomes a lifestyle habit.</li><br />
<li>I've always agreed with the notion that one can't get someone else to love you until you love yourself, and it feels as though the reader doesn't love himself because he sees himself as not young, slim and beautiful anymore. But there are many forms of beauty. GB would say that a confident person has a beauty that's much more important than the kind of beauty that's only skin deep.</li>
</ul>
As I said above, the reader told me about some other difficulties that he was having, so at one point I wrote:
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">With all that's going on in your life, maybe now isn't the best time to look for a boyfriend. But sex can relieve stress, so for now, maybe you should join the 99% of the guys on the gay dating apps who are looking for "Mr Right Now" instead of "Mr Right" 🙂. Is that a good idea?</p></span>
But he didn't seem to like that idea:
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin-left: 10px;">Oh. See I'm such a complicated person haha. Hooking up used to be fine when I was younger but now I don't like it anymore. Don't want to even see any naked picture unless it's my boyfriend. I don't know, every time I hooked up, right after that I feel so cheap. You are right though. Maybe I should sort things out for myself first but it would be lovely to have a bf so that I could feel less lonely.</p></span>
<p>However, since the reader doesn't have a boyfriend, and since the reader wants a boyfriend, I would suggest that he approach any hook up as the first meeting with a guy who might become his boyfriend. Why feel cheap after a hook-up when one was meeting up with the most honourable of intentions 👍? 15 years ago I did a blog post with the title <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2008/08/gaydar-advantage.html" target="_blank">The gaydar advantage</a>, and it's very <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/01/pure-thoughts-of-uncluttered-male-mind.html" target="_blank"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5023722664848169682" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" title="I like guys with a good supply of hair gel" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZEAnKtAlqvneMB_o1U48JDutpCrFxqbxTj81zt6THZAMu7sMBjzv5q3zGcsuO8mOKUGd9II93U5skUYBT43f7rrxlhWFtwdal4FxMstwpJDcq-qSytmHSILljI6CdWGqJ7-56/s400/theres_something_about_mary_cameron_diaz.jpg" width="40%" border="0" /></a>relevant here. That post was written before <a href="https://www.grindr.com/" target="_blank">grindr</a> existed, but I guess if I was writing it today I'd call it "The grindr advantage" 😂. The advantage is real and relates to <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/01/pure-thoughts-of-uncluttered-male-mind.html" target="_blank">The pure thoughts of an uncluttered male mind</a>, so those old posts are well worth a read.
</p><p>
Meeting up in bars or club is another way to meet potential boyfriends, but the reader says that he doesn't go to clubs some bad stuff happened when he was young. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkaQuEcTOoCTE5p8h0e6pPuavEPVZylh8KFwtfG3ttPgc7xzI9xHgBi_fazekConQJnlAwE-ejrUOebwQ9gd1sNeQ9Mg9vI9moXQznIL9_EVNYrNVLAJOF8C6zGn2Pqz4bYOZWFieRPY9y2tVydyQAKfDRSgCnpyw7fQ80M9-9N3bPTCp6Jqc_/s1000/coyote_roadrunner.jpg" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" title="Say your pwayers, woad wunner!" data-original-height="604" data-original-width="1000" alt="Wile E. Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkaQuEcTOoCTE5p8h0e6pPuavEPVZylh8KFwtfG3ttPgc7xzI9xHgBi_fazekConQJnlAwE-ejrUOebwQ9gd1sNeQ9Mg9vI9moXQznIL9_EVNYrNVLAJOF8C6zGn2Pqz4bYOZWFieRPY9y2tVydyQAKfDRSgCnpyw7fQ80M9-9N3bPTCp6Jqc_/s320/coyote_roadrunner.jpg" width="40%" border="0" /></a> I haven't asked him what happened, but that attitude reminds me of the old cartoons where Wile E. Coyote is trying to catch the Road Runner. Wile E. Coyote had many ingenious schemes which almost always fail, but even when I was watching these as a boy I wondered why he never tried to repeat any of the schemes which had only failed in a very unlikely way 😆. So maybe there are different clubs or places where he could go to meet potential boyfriends, and if so, don't be like Wile E. Coyote. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, so learn from the past experience and give it another go!
</p><p>
I also wonder about the situation with his friends and his parents. He says that he doesn't want to be forced to marry a woman and live a lie, but living a lie is what he's doing with all of them at the moment. If he can come out to any or all of them at some point and eventually get their support, then that would help him build his confidence. But this is a "chicken or egg" situation, which comes first? To come out and tell someone that one is gay one has to feel confident that one can handle whatever the reaction is, and even though he describes himself as "decently confident", it seems to me that the reader isn't in the right frame of mind yet. So for now, I don’t think he should tell anyone, but I do think it should be a medium term aim to tell both family and close friends. My experience is that parents eventually accept the situation if they can see that it’s true and that it makes their son or daughter happy. In my case, my relationship with my family improved a lot after I came out to them, because before I came out I was quite distant from everyone.
</p><p>
Anyway, I've written enough. If any other readers see this post and have any relevant thoughts, please leave a comment. 🙏</p>
GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-41029446614529206252023-03-19T02:04:00.002+00:002023-03-19T02:08:13.857+00:00An unexpected chat about penis size<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhh-OMo7lHqXvqyNhu6O8yzU3BLSOK2tKRDt0PuF-eDCoiphmQKd5zQUguotbLvgpOu_CrddhsQtJqzuCkjy-3zo3Dm0w6MGtbDqT5MwNLWeZzozaDrZSgs37cJKgw8Yaz6Oc8VUo2l386pjdh_bHZwhmTd56Wn39UFbk96lEU7Ndim60aBQ/s1600/download.jpeg" target="_blank"><img title="Party time 🙂" alt="Party tent in a large garden" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhh-OMo7lHqXvqyNhu6O8yzU3BLSOK2tKRDt0PuF-eDCoiphmQKd5zQUguotbLvgpOu_CrddhsQtJqzuCkjy-3zo3Dm0w6MGtbDqT5MwNLWeZzozaDrZSgs37cJKgw8Yaz6Oc8VUo2l386pjdh_bHZwhmTd56Wn39UFbk96lEU7Ndim60aBQ/s1600/download.jpeg" width="50%"/></a>It's around midnight and the party is in full swing. I step out of the main area to relax on the seating in the quieter area outside, and soon I'm chatting to two of the other guests who're young women.
<br /><br />
"Hi," I say, "I'm GB 🙂. You're P and that F, did I remember that right?"
<br /><br />
"Yes, that's right!" replies P, "You're K's boyfriend aren't you?"
<br /><br />
"Indeed I am 👍," I confirm, "we've been together for over 9 years now 🙂."
<br /><br />
"Wow, I've never managed a relationship for more than 1 year," says P.
<br /><br />
We chat a bit about the party and the other guests, but soon we're talking about relationships again.
<br /><br />
"You're British, right?" asks P, "so how come you've got an Asian boyfriend instead of British one?"
<br /><br />
"I used to have a British boyfriend called S, but I'm a bit of a 'rice queen' now. That's gay slang for a gay westerner who likes Asian men!"
<br /><br />
"So you've had lots of Asian boyfriends?"
<br /><br />
"Well, I'm not <a href=" http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2021/12/whats-definition-of-gay-slut.html" target="_blank">a slut</a>," I lie, "but I have been with a few Asian guys of different nationalities. Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Korean …"
<br /><br />
"Oh Korean!" says P with a bit of sheepish tone in her voice, "I've never been with a Korean guy but I've heard about them, is it true?"
<br /><br />
For some reason she expects me to understand what she's asking. Although I'm pretty sure that I do know what she means, I simply look at her with a puzzled expression.
<br /><br />
"Well, you know," she continues, giving me a knowing look and indicating down to her groin, "I've heard that they're not very big <em>down there</em>, but I don't know whether to believe what I've heard of not."
<br /><br />
Hunch confirmed 🤣! I almost burst out laughing, because I can't believe I've suddenly got into a conversation about penis size with a couple of young women who I barely know. I decide to tell the truth.
<br /><br />
"Um, well," I say, wondering how to be diplomatic, "I'd say they're definitely smaller than average, but size isn't important for me, what's important is whether they're a good person or not."
<br /><br />
"Oh really, so it's true," laughs P, "so I'll believe what I've heard!"
<br /><br />
"How do you know what's small and what's big," asks F, who had been quite throughout the conversation. It seems like a strange question to me, so again I look at P quizzically.
<br /><br />
"F is still a virgin," explains P in a quiet voice.
<br /><br />
"Oh OK, well, let's talk about average first".
<br /><br />
"In my experience, I'd say this is average," and I indicate about 15cm with my index fingers.
<br /><br />
"This is definitely very large," I say indicating around 20cm, "and this is small". I indicate around 10cm for small.
<br /><br />
"I was with a Singaporean guy a while ago," interrupts P, "and he really was very small!"
<br /><br />
She raises her hands and indicates around 8cm with her index fingers.
<br /><br />
"I had to ask 'Are you <em>inside</em> me yet?' I couldn't feel a thing 😆!"
<br /><br />
"That's not small, I'd say that's tiny!" I laugh.
<br /><br />
"But they can be this big," says P, indicating 25cm with her index fingers.
<br /><br />
"Well, yes," I agree, "but I've only ever seen that in porn photos. I'm talking sizes that I've actually seen."
<br /><br />
Before we can start chatting about girth, another party guest comes out of party's main area and interrupts us, so the conversation moves onto other subjects. I thought it was only gay men that were obsessed with penis size!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-51676355374711702272022-12-23T10:30:00.000+00:002022-12-23T10:30:47.083+00:00What’s the gay male equivalent to a “mistress”?When a married man regularly has sex with a woman who’s not his wife, the English language has a word for it. Any fluent English speaking reader knows that the woman is called a “mistress”. In recent years I’ve been spending some time in Thailand and I now know that there’s a similar word in the Thai language too, namely เมียน้อย which literally means “little wife”. In Thai, the male equivalent to a “little wife” might be a “little husband”, i.e. ผัวน้อย. But in English, calling a single gay man a “mister” if he regularly has sex with a guy in a gay relationship seems a bit odd to me. Can anyone think of a better word?GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-56865729036495608392021-12-19T06:03:00.005+00:002021-12-19T06:11:37.809+00:00What's the definition of a gay slut?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdNen0OPaR_HATOaM09dXPdt_uEahkpzt76dY8TdBu-Z0RVdqi6d5f3K54hxYyPdC0rytzcZIKUKcB1WRPg-x6BYru2JxbozjVmue10BAlGIpoHHXfT2sj8OQ6Ll5DIdUkOK2r6_kQfs2Ju7dkEr2GOPRuM0Crel4lDaZ6aaUUgrMp_SRZMg=s638" target="_blank"><img title="Uptown girls looking for downtown men are likely to be disappointed here!" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdNen0OPaR_HATOaM09dXPdt_uEahkpzt76dY8TdBu-Z0RVdqi6d5f3K54hxYyPdC0rytzcZIKUKcB1WRPg-x6BYru2JxbozjVmue10BAlGIpoHHXfT2sj8OQ6Ll5DIdUkOK2r6_kQfs2Ju7dkEr2GOPRuM0Crel4lDaZ6aaUUgrMp_SRZMg=s600" width="40%" /></a>It's late at night in a downtown gay bar, and we've all had a bit too much to drink. There's me and boyfriend K, my old friend D his husband W, and a relatively new friend called N with his young boyfriend R.
<br /><br />
"R just asked me if you've ever been a slut?" N asks me in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. The tone of voice seems slightly inappropriate given the nature of the question.
<br /><br />
"Well," I giggle, unfazed by the personal nature of the question, "it depends when you mean by <em>slut</em>?"
<br /><br />
While N is considering his response, I consider my dating and cruising history and can't help volunteering a simple answer to the question.
<br /><br />
"Whatever definition you think is appropriate," I continue, "the answer is probably '<em>Yes</em>'. My relationship with ex-boyfriend S came to an end after 18 years because I couldn't keep my trousers up!"
<br /><br />
"I think a slut is a guy who's had two different cocks on the same day," says N, ignoring my confession, but answering my request for a definition of <em>slut</em> :-).
<br /><br />
"Shouldn't that be 'two or more'?" I query with another giggle.
<br /><br />
I glance over at D and W who had been listening to this conversation, and having heard N's definition, they've both got guilty looks on their face.
<br /><br />
"I'm not a slut because I'm a virgin," says boyfriend K playfully. Everyone laughs, because boyfriend K is most certainly NOT a virgin!
<br /><br />
Although N's definition of a gay slut is ostensibly quite a good one, it strikes me that most gay men go through a promiscuous phase during which they're likely to have two (or more!) cocks on the same day. And a definition of <em>slut</em> which includes pretty much all gay men seems a bit unhelpful.
<br /><br />
Even though I doubt that I have any blog readers anymore, if anyone happens to see this post and has a better definition of <em>slut</em>, then please leave a comment :-).GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-84775663147123403282020-09-13T04:43:00.003+01:002020-09-13T04:45:05.012+01:00Email from a reader who's single again<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC_Z4JmE8mWHBCej_OHljXAw1ZtrQsfKDTM8_DBV1xk9p0jH2Tdwd3SleyGNUQSjYHaRUm9TTgI78W5TgB7yr3ZTybtow-DP-83ZxsljdiWoJFp6aVQu-LvZM3GM1dzV6ZcU4s/s1093/gaycartoon.jpg" target="_blank"><img title="Isn't it nice having a boyfriend to cuddle :-)" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC_Z4JmE8mWHBCej_OHljXAw1ZtrQsfKDTM8_DBV1xk9p0jH2Tdwd3SleyGNUQSjYHaRUm9TTgI78W5TgB7yr3ZTybtow-DP-83ZxsljdiWoJFp6aVQu-LvZM3GM1dzV6ZcU4s/s600/gaycartoon.jpg" width="40%"/></a>How many times a year, does a blogger need to blog so that they can call themselves a blogger? I still like to think of myself as a blogger, but at present I'm only managing one or two a year, which probably isn't enough!<br />
<br />
In any case, last month I got a "Dear GB" email from a reader who had emailed me three times previously. The new email was as follows:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
I hope you're well. How's retirement? And boyfriend K?<br />
<br />
I can't believe it has been 9 years since my first email to you (<a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2011/02/email-from-frustrated-young-gay-guy.html" target="_blank">here</a>) and a couple of years since the subsequent ones (<a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2012/01/email-about-asian-discrimination-and.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2014/06/email-about-relationships-and-fear-of.html" target="_blank">here</a>). I recently saw you post a reply to an email and figured I'd share this on the off chance that you might see it and respond.<br />
<br />
Interestingly, a couple of months after my last email to you (in 2014), I got into a relationship that would last 5 years. We broke up late last year and I've found myself dating again. Much of the behaviour that I mentioned to you in 2014 (i.e. pushing people away, finding faults in them, and mistrust) is re-appearing. Notably, during the 5 year relationship, my ex mentioned multiple times that he felt as if he was a placeholder and I was always looking for someone better.<br />
<br />
What I've learnt since then (which was the focus 2014 email) is that I have a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern#:~:text=The%20parenting%20behaviors%20that%20lead,as%20providing%20food%20and%20shelter." target="_blank">dismissive-avoidant attachment style</a>. I've traced it to childhood experiences, moving around often and being raised by a single parent (who was often travelling for work) which resulted in me taking care of myself and avoiding close emotional attachments. Toxic masculinity and being a bookish misfit may have contributed to repressing my emotional needs. It goes without saying that I should be seeing a therapist (which I'll likely do once the pandemic is over).<br />
<br />
Anyway, 6 years since we last spoke and newly single, I'm curious about the following (considering your vast experience with long-term committed relationships and as an agony uncle for gay men):<ol><li>What made you decide that Boyfriend K was the one? How have you stuck by that belief?;</li><li>What do you look for in a long term partner? Were those expectations ever fully met?;</li><li>Any tips pertaining to my situation? :)</li></ol>It may be noteworthy that I currently live in a country that criminalizes homosexuality (and has no anti-discrimination provisions), which means that most men are seeking instant gratification and see relationships as liabilities. Then there's the prevalence of transactional relationships in both gay and straight dating scenes, which does nothing to ease my mistrust. I've considered moving to a more liberal environment. However, part of me wonders whether that's a form of self-sabotage in itself (by chasing an arguably less attainable goal that simply finding someone nice where I am; plus I've spent years in the gay scenes of European cities while I was studying, it's not particularly easy to get into a relationship there either).<br />
<br />Your advice is (as always) very much appreciated. Regards.</span><br />
<br />
It's always nice to get emails like this, and looking at the email in detail, the reader asks a lot of questions. The first question he asks is "How's retirement?". <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2018/06/people-in-crisis_9.html" target="_blank">My blog post two years ago</a> said that I was happily retired from banking, however I'm still not retired from work in general. Otherwise I'd probably find time to blog more! In any case, without doubt, life after banking is good :-).<br />
<br />
The second question that the reader asks is "And boyfriend K?". I'm happy to report that we're still together after almost 7 years :-). So the answer to that question is "Still wonderful :-)".<br />
<br />
The other questions that the reader asks are a bit more serious. He asks "What made you decide that Boyfriend K was the one?", "How have you stuck by that belief?", "What do you look for in a long term partner?" and "Were those expectations ever fully met?". However, I think those questions imply an inappropriate selfishness, because the questions are all about whether the needs of the questioner are fulfilled or not. I think good long term relationships happen when a couple work well together, compensating for each other's weaknesses as well as fulfilling each other's needs. I don't have a set of criteria against which I evaluated potential boyfriends, or against which I now evaluate boyfriend K.<br />
<br />
I really hate the expression "follow your heart" because it's so glib, but perhaps it does describe the way I ended up with all of my boyfriends. More concretely, I think what I was always looking for was mutual empathy, but I never sat back and thought about it in those terms. When I meet any guy for the first time, after a short while I usually know whether we're on the same wavelength or not. If so, I'd wonder whether we can become friends, and when I was single I'd also wonder whether we might become boyfriends. Of course, after just one meeting I'd never know whether a relationship could possibly work. But if I felt we were on the same wavelength then it would be worth trying getting to know them better, and trying to work out how they felt about me. Ultimately one never knows whether a relationship will work until one tries. However, I'm the sort of guy who likes having a boyfriend, so I'd always like to give it a try instead of overthinking it.<br />
<br />
I won't pretend that I never quarrel with boyfriend K because sometimes we do. However, when we've resolved the situation after a big disagreement, I usually look back and feel that the final outcome is better that what would have happened to either of us on our own. In most situations, two heads are better than one.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMnGgPe-yaMWdkD2lBksBeg09mxsypvgikxIBBxzALuJH90gOi0BwhHEMyT33CGSwLqHh0i2vMPOMdp9mwAYo7oyROar7n0jrXINwLzrPmHrbJN0OOu441-3LI-8rQ2cHjBrbp/s613/gay_beach_47.jpg" target="_blank"><img title="Life is better when you have someone to share it with :-)" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMnGgPe-yaMWdkD2lBksBeg09mxsypvgikxIBBxzALuJH90gOi0BwhHEMyT33CGSwLqHh0i2vMPOMdp9mwAYo7oyROar7n0jrXINwLzrPmHrbJN0OOu441-3LI-8rQ2cHjBrbp/s600/gay_beach_47.jpg" width="40%"/></a>After a big quarrel with boyfriend K last year, I remember him asking me why I wanted to stay with him. My answer was that whoever my boyfriend is, we're bound to quarrel from time to time. When there are so many good things in a relationship, it's pointless ending the relationship just because there are occasional bad things. A different boyfriend would just mean that the occasional bad things would be different. It's important to accept that none of us are perfect, and that perfect boyfriends don't exist.<br />
<br />
Regarding the reader's situation, I was curious about his comment that he lives in a country that criminalizes homosexuality, so I sent him an email to ask him which country he lives in. Eventually the reader replied, and it turns out that a gay male friend of mine married a man from that country and the two of them now live in Europe. They were married in Europe too, and without thinking about it, some of their friends who were at the wedding posted some wedding photographs on Facebook. Those photographs were then accidentally seen by some of the man's friends back in his home country, and the photographs attracted a huge amount of homophobic abuse :-( . So I am tempted to suggest that, if at all possible, the reader should try and move to a different country where homosexuality is legal and tolerated. I find myself wondering, how many happy gay couples does the reader know who live in the country? If the answer is very few, and if the reader wants a long term boyfriend or husband, it suggests to me that he won't find one in the country where he's living at the moment.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOCY8uELMrj484NuXuAhQ_4w_6BIBIQ6cfa8Wc6677lOar7yaPujPorIJOZQws1uGzZMIiQ-7LMuOBvxnaDwyR1EJxH0BPwHC1eF-nDs-Xca6q-DgIEptoSnLcgJbMK2Ew7nZD/s1024/beach_47.jpg" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" title="Empty beach :-( . I hope the reader can find someone to share his life with" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOCY8uELMrj484NuXuAhQ_4w_6BIBIQ6cfa8Wc6677lOar7yaPujPorIJOZQws1uGzZMIiQ-7LMuOBvxnaDwyR1EJxH0BPwHC1eF-nDs-Xca6q-DgIEptoSnLcgJbMK2Ew7nZD/s600/beach_47.jpg" width="40%"/></a>Apart from that, based on my own approach to relationships, I would just suggest one thing. When he's interested in a guy as a potential boyfriend, he shouldn't just think about himself. Try thinking about what would make the other guy happy as well :-).<br />
<br />
Do any other readers have any thoughts about this reader's situation?
GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-56841159105511794262019-11-24T06:05:00.000+00:002019-11-24T06:05:28.604+00:00The unexpected ladyboy<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrWSGHX0YP0yewawYn9tuFAc6U0Telx7hhRAWHb6mYa9xh7qnKqQmO-UFWWBqXOg-MKpwXf1wjtibCviUfAiVeIjiMLgT4axf5IsHmwiSeT8szueEtr24cjjxUnaKNZhnXiXdp/s1600/201712040957002.png" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand"src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrWSGHX0YP0yewawYn9tuFAc6U0Telx7hhRAWHb6mYa9xh7qnKqQmO-UFWWBqXOg-MKpwXf1wjtibCviUfAiVeIjiMLgT4axf5IsHmwiSeT8szueEtr24cjjxUnaKNZhnXiXdp/s640/201712040957002.png" width="40%" data-original-width="562" data-original-height="305" /></a>"No GB," says boyfriend K, "it's the woman over there that is O's brother!"<br />
<br />
We're at a large house in a small village to the west of Bangkok in Thailand. It's the 60th birthday party of O's father, and all of O's family are here. Judging from how busy it, everyone from the village are probably here too. O is the eldest and only daughter and I'd been told that she has two brothers, so I'd been trying to work out who they are. <br />
<br />
"Umm, brothers are normally male," I say looking confused, "or am I missing something?"<br />
<br />
"He's transgender," says boyfriend K laughing, "and that's his twin brother over there, the guy with the white shirt with the purple collar."<br />
<br />
Looking at the beefy guy that boyfriend K is indicating, it seems completely implausible that he's any kind of twin with the woman on the stage.<br />
<br />
"Born 5 minutes apart," says O, joining the conversation.<br />
<br />
Both boyfriend K and O nod at me, so I have to accept the truth about what they're saying. <br />
<br />
"But not identical twins, surely?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"Actually yes, they're identical twins," answers O calmly, "although they don't look much like each other now. When they were growing up, only family members could tell them apart!"<br />
<br />
Over the years I've met several transgender people, including <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2010/07/operation.html" target="_blank">a male colleague who eventually became female</a>. Nonetheless, I feel slightly stupid that I had no idea the woman on the stage had been a man.<br />
<br />
"So was he a ladyboy before he became a woman :-)?" I ask, trying to sound knowledgeable about ladyboys and transgender people.<br />
<br />
"He still is a ladyboy," says O laughing, and she holds her hands in front of her, palms facing each other about 8 inches apart. "<em>It</em> is this big!" She says grinning at me.<br />
<br />
I burst out laughing, amazed that O knows such an intimate fact about her <em>brother</em>. I want to know how she can be so confident about her brother's <em>size</em>, but I decide not to ask. I've had enough surprises for one night!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-25971606826765206492019-10-31T21:34:00.001+00:002019-11-01T00:57:13.216+00:00Another enjoyable night in Bangkok<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihEtTRfzo3mf1hiZmBHn8q1w0YhpYaRGwoEV3csq9lAmiY03XCp6ZoBsmtLm5ufqT8D9pkzcz_8YfsAqq1KEHwkpZ0YJqzWAjRsTR9JebWb51sgilBBohZJH5guPGxv9WoBMI_/s1600/sq.jpg" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihEtTRfzo3mf1hiZmBHn8q1w0YhpYaRGwoEV3csq9lAmiY03XCp6ZoBsmtLm5ufqT8D9pkzcz_8YfsAqq1KEHwkpZ0YJqzWAjRsTR9JebWb51sgilBBohZJH5guPGxv9WoBMI_/s640/sq.jpg" title="So many men :-), so little time!" width="40%" data-original-width="691" data-original-height="690" /></a>"Dream Boys, Hot Males, Fresh Boys, New Boys … " I say to my friend C as we wander down a road in central Bangkok, "if one wanted a guy from a place like that, how on earth would one decide?"<br />
<br />
"I mean, 'dream boys' sound good," I continue, "presumably they're the kind of perfect guy from one's dreams, but do you want a guy that's new or has been used before? So perhaps 'fresh boys' are better, because 'fresh' presumably means 'unused' :-)?"<br />
<br />
I'm with my friend C, who's also known as the blogger <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, and we're walking down an alley in central Bangkok. The alley is full of bars where scantily clad young men work, often putting on X-rated shows for the bar's customers. And of course, I'm quite aware that the guys inside all the different bars here will be much the same, in spite of the different bar names!<br />
<br />
"The guys standing on the stage in side that bar didn't look that happy," says C.<br />
<br />
"Indeed :-(," I say, agreeing with C, "and the drinks in these places will probably be quite expensive. Let's go somewhere else!"<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYzllbsV00LpaJBWP5zWFbFVOquEtghIbHbgQGT4FiyITaR869XqJ0MId_GDWnHlD81D0CLAfOLca6Lf83ofeaTSNNYbDhpNDBlyz1Yb2qUTCViPC-rR-Z6Yd7luMATkW7cFDf/s1600/silom-soi-4-bangkok-gay-scene-main-image.jpg" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYzllbsV00LpaJBWP5zWFbFVOquEtghIbHbgQGT4FiyITaR869XqJ0MId_GDWnHlD81D0CLAfOLca6Lf83ofeaTSNNYbDhpNDBlyz1Yb2qUTCViPC-rR-Z6Yd7luMATkW7cFDf/s640/silom-soi-4-bangkok-gay-scene-main-image.jpg" title="Silom Road Soi 4, always lively :-)" width="40%" data-original-width="720" data-original-height="360" /></a>Soon we're sitting down outside <a href="http://www.telephone-pub.com/" target="_blank">Telephone Pub</a>, in Silom Road Soi 4. We order some beers, and looking around, we can't avoid noticing some of the other customers.<br />
<br />
"This tourist in front of us is definitely being chatted up by a money boy," I say quietly to C.<br />
<br />
Close Encounters surveys the situation and nods his head.<br />
<br />
"But I think it's actually the other way round," replies C, "it's the tourist who's making most of the effort, not the money boy!"<br />
<br />
This bar is possibly exactly the same bar that I visited when I went to Bangkok ten years ago. Back then, <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/01/enjoyable-night-in-bangkok.html" target="_blank"> my Thai Friend B thought it was OK for tourists like me to hook up with money boys</a>. On that occasion, I did end up with a lovely Thai guy in bed with me :-), but whether he was actually a money boy or not was unclear!<br />
<br />
Back to today and the tourist in front of us reaches out and touches the object of his desire gently on the arm. I have to agree with C that the money boy isn't trying to sell himself, instead the client is hoping to buy. I can't help wondering how much money will change hands, but whatever the amount, it doesn't matter. Just as B recommended me ten years ago, both sides will get what they're looking for.<br />
<br />
Part of the fun of being in bars like this is watching the other customers, so we decide to move to another table where we'll have a better view.<br />
<br />
"That could be another tourist with a money boy over there," says C before he takes a sip of his beer, "can you see them? They're opposite us, immediately to the right of the table with three guys on it."<br />
<br />
"Oh yes, very probably :-)," I reply grinning. "They haven't reached the touching each other stage yet, but the money boy has got his legs wide open. Perhaps he's hoping that his knee will make contact with the tourist's knee!"<br />
<br />
We start chatting about other things and a little later, when we look back at the table opposite, we see that the money boy's knee has indeed made contact with the tourist's knee.<br />
<br />
"Where is boyfriend K tonight?" asks C, losing interest in money boy seduction techniques.<br />
<br />
"He didn't want to come out tonight in case he drinks too much!" I answer truthfully, "We've flying out tomorrow, and he doesn’t need a hangover. Boyfriend K can be a bit of a party animal, sometimes he doesn't know when to stop!"<br />
<br />
The conversation moves on, and when I glance over at the table opposite, they seem to be touching each other more and more. Just friendly pats on the forearm or shoulder, but exactly the kind of thing that one does when getting to know another person, as a prelude to more intimate <em>activities</em>.<br />
<br />
"So what are you planning to do tomorrow?" I ask C.<br />
<br />
"Not sure yet," he replies, "but this is Bangkok, I'm sure I'll find something interesting to do :-)"<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.babylonbangkok.com/" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy_04QURnBcpR7UuOu2npvblAu-hxKgjpPsrDaIEpAnm1nkF68JJBqCTqJzw9SMzrms-4SkEjgln_70WEgZj44NwiJBzYkMno3EbiyyeSPsNc4kCc71e7t2Iqp0n3MeL5mq5HC/s400/babylon.jpg" border="0" title="The almost legendary Babylon, a gay spa and sauna without equal" width="40%" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288221622430456802" /></a>"Actually you've never been to <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/01/babylon.html" target="_blank">Babylon</a>, have you?" I say, "As far as I'm aware, it's still the best gay Sauna complex in the world :-), so if you have nothing else to do I'd certainly recommend it!"<br />
<br />
But before C can answer, he indicates with his eyes over to the table opposite where the money boy and tourist were talking and touching each other. The tourist is standing behind the money boy now, and massaging his shoulders. And then suddenly, with a smile and a kiss, the tourist takes his backpack and wanders away towards the main road. The money boy looks slightly upset.<br />
<br />
"He looks quite cute, don't you think GB?" asks C.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I guess, but with money boys you can ever be sure where they've been!"<br />
<br />
"But you can't be absolutely sure that he's a money boy, can you?"<br />
<br />
"Well no," I admit, "but it seems quite likely to me."<br />
<br />
"Actually, he's occasionally glancing over at us now :-)."<br />
<br />
"Well if you want a money boy experience, we could invite him over to join us :-)," I suggest, "As far as I'm concerned, what happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok!"<br />
<br />
"Indeed GB," agrees C, "but one of my friends back in London likes to remind me that that's only true if you don't have to visit the clap clinic!"<br />
<br />
We continue chatting, looking at the various other customers of the bars in the alley, but I also notice the money boy glancing at us.<br />
<br />
"You're right," I admit to C, "he is looking at us now and then. If you're interested in him, then we should invite him to join us."<br />
<br />
"No! Then we'd have to make small talk. I'd rather just take him back to my hotel and fuck him :-)! I've got a better idea."<br />
<br />
And with that, C pulls out his phone and starts looking at his gay dating apps.<br />
<br />
"Look at him checking his phone all the time," explains C, "I bet he's looking at his apps, I wonder which one he's on …"<br />
<br />
C, bless him, is on ALL the gay dating apps. Long term readers of this blog will know that I've used some of them in the past, but having been with boyfriend K for 6 years now, I'm quite out of touch with that world.<br />
<br />
"Wow," says C, "this is such a target rich environment, one of the best places I've ever been for finding a guy online. There are loads of men within only a few meters :-). Hey, look at this pic GB, that's not him is it?"<br />
<br />
"Yes it is!" I answer, looking at a photo of a slim young topless Asian guy on a beach somewhere, "that's definitely him."<br />
<br />
Soon C is chatting to the money boy on <a href=" https://hornet.com/" target="_blank">Hornet</a>.<br />
<br />
"Since he's been looking at us a lot," says C, "I'm going to ask him which of us he fancies."<br />
<br />
"OK," I say, "and what's the answer?"<br />
<br />
There's a short pause while C waits for the money boy to answer.<br />
<br />
"He says he likes the look of both of us!"<br />
<br />
"Well what else was he going to say?" I reply, "A money boy isn't going to offend a potential customer, or rule out the possibility of a threesome! I wonder if money boys charge more for threesomes?"<br />
<br />
Ignoring my question, C continues chatting online with the money boy. Although I used to chat to guys online a lot, I always preferred chatting face to face. So it seems mildly bizarre to me that at this point both C and the money boy know exactly who each other are, but still prefer to chat on an app even though they're within only a few metres of each other.<br />
<br />
"Now he says that it looks like you and me are boyfriends!" says C, updating me on the conversation.<br />
<br />
I laugh at the suggestion that me and C are boyfriends, but I'm not surprised that we look very comfortable in each other's company. I've read <a href="http://closeenc0unters.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">C's blog</a>, and he's read this one, so we know all each other's secrets!<br />
<br />
"I've got a flight tomorrow, and I don't want to be a gooseberry," I tell C, "so I'll go home if you promise to let me know how much money he asks for, even if he says it's for his sick mother?"<br />
<br />
"Ha! But I don't think he's a money boy GB," protests C. "Anyway, of course I'll tell you what happens :-)."<br />
<br />
As I walk up the alley towards the main road, I smile at the money boy and blow him a quick kiss. He smiles back at me with a big grin on his face.<br />
<br />
I get back and go to bed with boyfriend K as usual, and when I wake up there are some messages on WhatsApp from C timed at just before 1am.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">C: Just said goodbye to the guy. He wasn't even Thai, he's a tourist too!<br />
<br />
C: And he didn’t ask for money for his mother :)<br />
<br />
C: Thank you for a fun evening</span><br />
<br />
I send a quick reply<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">GB: Poor guy, he didn't even get to sleep in a comfortable bed for the night!</span><br />
<br />
A little later I get a reply<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">C: Ha ha - I’m sure he had a comfortable bed at his own hotel.</span><br />
<br />
A couple of days later, I get an email from C to tell me that he's done <a href="http://closeenc0unters.blogspot.com/2019/10/one-night-in-bangkok.html" target="_blank">a post on his blog about the evening</a>. I find it fascinating to read the same events described from C's point of view. Surely it wasn't me who first suggested that we visit the erotic gay bars?<br />
<br />
Thinking about the night now, I realise that when I used to use the gay dating apps, I was usually hoping for more than what C looks for. Perhaps C sometimes looks for more, but on this occasion C clearly just wanted sex. He didn't want to chat to the guy in the bar beforehand, and they parted company soon after the <em>activities</em> finished. But I was always interested to get to know the guy much more. I did enjoy starting out by meeting up face to face to chat about whatever, during which time the body language would help me work out what kind of guy he was. After any <em>activities</em>, if the <em>activities</em> had been enjoyable and were at night then I'd love to fall sleep with the guy so that we could wake up the next day together. I love feeling the warmth of a naked man, lying in bed next to me, and to this day it's still true that <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/01/why-cant-i-get-to-sleep-at-night.html" target="_blank">I sleep less well when I'm in a bed on my own</a>.<br />
<br />
Ever since <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2008/05/close-encounter.html" target="_blank">I first met C</a>, he's been happy as a single guy, whereas I've usually had one (or more!) boyfriends. So my conclusion is that our different approach to hooking up with strangers is directly related to our desire, or lack of desire in C's case, to have boyfriends.GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-40819201305591812642019-05-08T09:55:00.000+01:002019-05-08T09:56:17.107+01:00Email from a guy who doesn't have sex with his boyfriend anymoreI've only written two posts for this blog since 2016, so imagine my surprise last week when I get an email from a reader. The email is as follows:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilRUuUDpUv7i7raslmY0d1onH9s8aki4NDyBxkt3QT6qu9bI63oWR3kcp9K3hDuh3dT3bbn4pNDNwbTBM-D6oZ1mYs95VWwjDsMUF4xBxnHIJ9g048RAUzULxaIK_AkHG1lvS6/s1600/HongKong.jpg" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" title="Late afternoon in Hong Kong (a pic taken by GB a couple of years ago!)" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilRUuUDpUv7i7raslmY0d1onH9s8aki4NDyBxkt3QT6qu9bI63oWR3kcp9K3hDuh3dT3bbn4pNDNwbTBM-D6oZ1mYs95VWwjDsMUF4xBxnHIJ9g048RAUzULxaIK_AkHG1lvS6/s640/HongKong.jpg" width="40%" data-original-width="1600" data-original-height="1001" /></a><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
First I must confess I love reading your blog! ;) I'm a fan! I always wanted to know how you look like ... hahaha.<br />
<br />
OK, so basically I would like to seek some advice from you on matters related to the heart. I'm a gay male living in Hong Kong. I have been with my boyfriend for many years now, maybe 20 years +.<br />
<br />
We stopped having sex for many years now. I'm not sure why but somehow it just didn’t happen. And we didn't talk about it too.<br />
<br />
I can't resist the temptation when guys come up to me, like in gym etc. Nothing much, just touching etc. I feel bad, but I don’t have any intimacy with my boyfriend anymore, and I have needs also.<br />
<br />
I know this is a bad excuse but what can I do? Do you have any advice for me? Thank you!<br />
<br />
Hear from you soon. Regards</span><br />
<br />
As soon as I see the email, I send a reply to say that I will do a post for him. Within a day I get a response in which he admits that he wasn't expecting me to reply. Smart guy, because let's face it, these days my blog looks pretty dead!<br />
<br />
In some ways his story is very familiar because it's hard for all couples, gay or straight, to keep the passion going forever. However, not having blogged for the last few years, I'm not sure whether I've answered exactly the same question before so I decide to look through my <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/search/label/Dear%20GB" target="_blank">Dear GB "back catalogue"</a>. There are, of course, a few stories with some similar characteristics.<br />
<br />
For example, I find the <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/02/email-from-guy-with-long-term-boyfriend.html" target="_blank">Email from a guy with a long-term boyfriend</a>. In that case, the reader who sent me the email had also been having much less sex with his boyfriend, but then he suddenly found out that his boyfriend had been having lots of sex with other men. The email was sent 6 years after that discovery, when the reader had started seeing an erotic masseur regularly.<br />
<br />
I also find the <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2008/02/email-from-gay-guy-with-long-term.html" target="_blank">Email from a gay guy with long-term relationship issues</a>. In that case, the reader who sent me the email had stopped having sex with his boyfriend many years before he emailed me, because the boyfriend had rejected the reader's physical advances. The email asks whether he should finally move on, after having being together for 25 years. <br />
<br />
There are also a couple of emails from guys who found the sex lives with their boyfriends declining after only 6-7 years. There is an <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/06/email-from-gay-american-guy-with.html" target="_blank">Email from a gay American guy with relationship problems</a> and then just 3 weeks after I posted that there was another <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/07/email-from-gay-guy-with-relationship.html" target="_blank">Email from a gay guy with relationship issues</a>. <br />
<br />
However, perhaps the closest and most relevant email in my Dear GB "back catalogue" is the one titled <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/03/difficult-conversations.html" target="_blank">Difficult conversations</a> from ten years ago. That post contains an email from a reader who had been with his boyfriend for almost 10 years, and it had got to the point where they only had sex maybe once a month, even though the reader says that his boyfriend used to have a crazy sex drive.<br />
<br />
In any relationship, it's quite common for one person to be more dominant than the other, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's research that suggests that <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11397999/Are-marriages-stronger-when-one-spouse-is-dominant.html" target="_blank">straight marriages are more stable when one spouse is more dominant</a>, and I would suggest that a stable relationships means more long term happiness for both of the people involved. The reason that I mention this is because when I read the reader's email carefully, it seems likely to me that his boyfriend is more dominant in their relationship than he is. The reader says that the current situation just happened. However, it seems more likely to me that his boyfriend, as the more dominant person, started finding <em>satisfaction</em> elsewhere and consequently lost interest in having sex with the reader. By no means is this meant to be a criticism of the reader, who has managed something that has so far eluded me, namely a 20+ year gay relationship that will hopefully last many many more years. But the reader said that he has <em>needs</em> and the same will be true of his boyfriend because all healthy men need to ejaculate regularly, so what does he think has been going on?<br />
<br />
<a href="https://enriquesoriano.com/2018/01/09/dont-ignore-the-elephant-in-the-room/" target="_blank"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgID8lZ6h3_HjRW8Kv4UPmJoq91KGGLx7ZAPjV8RsS1uGLv3E9oUQnAfMxv05z2P82IHjFf9L_UoBFxCD_xOz37djnrApig6D_FfuXZmxfsmqiM1y5aRv5p8zKdTXsyQNoIXS6v/s640/elephant.png" title="Don't ignore the elephant in the room!" width="45%" data-original-width="532" data-original-height="517" /></a>The question is what to do about the situation, if anything. The reader's <em>needs</em> won't go away, so if he agrees that his boyfriend must have been finding <em>satisfaction</em> elsewhere then one thing he could try and do immediately is to stop feeling guilty about doing the same :-). However, unless they find a way to start talking about the situation then there'll still be <a href="http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/an-elephant-in-the-room" target="_blank">an elephant in the room</a>, which is presumably why the reader emailed me in the first place.<br />
<br />
So I do think that the reader should try and talk to his boyfriend about the situation, and there are some useful tips in my <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/03/difficult-conversations.html" target="_blank">Difficult conversations</a> post. However, before the reader tried to broach the subject he should think carefully about what might be in his boyfriend's mind, and what all the possible responses might be. I have no idea what relevant discussions they might have had over the years, whether there's anything suspicions about the boyfriend's behaviour that might suggest he's been getting <em>satisfaction</em> elsewhere, whether they've ever discussed having an open relationship etc.<br />
<br />
It's been almost 3 years since I last did a Dear GB post, and my old readers probably don't check my blog anymore. However, if anyone does read this, please leave a comment if you have any suggestions for the reader who sent me this email :-).GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-40706448175359317602018-06-09T09:20:00.002+01:002018-06-09T09:20:59.519+01:00People in crisisOver the years I've seen lots of friends, acquaintances and colleagues in various kinds of emotional turmoil and crises. I'm talking about the kinds of things that happen to all of us, but only very rarely. Relationship turmoil would be one example, where one needs to break up with one's boyfriend/girlfriend, or where they break up with you. Another example would be being made redundant from one's job, or some kind of work crisis that means that one has to change jobs. Other examples include serious illness such as cancer, or the death of a very close relative or friend.<br />
<br />
Talking to people as they go through these crises, all of which are completely different, I've noticed one common thread. Most people in these difficult situations won't listen to any fresh ideas on possible courses of action. I don't know what causes that attitude, perhaps it the shock of the situation that they find themselves in, but I'm always amazed at how closed people's minds will be when anyone makes a suggestion. It seems like people in a crisis somehow instantly decided what they need to do when the crisis first hits, and the only role of everyone else is just to listen to what's happening, and listen to the explanation of why the course of action that's been chosen is the right one.<br />
<br />
One recent concrete example was a close friend called T who had been diagnosed with cancer.<br />
<br />
"Actually I've been very lucky," says T, "it was caught very early. And the operation to remove it was a complete success :-)."<br />
<br />
"Wonderful news :-)," I say, "so presumably you won't need chemotherapy after all."<br />
<br />
"Actually I'm still going to have chemo," replies T, "and after chemo there'll be a course of radiotherapy too. For people in my situation, I've been told that the long term survival rate is 72% if I don't have the treatment, but 82% if I do."<br />
<br />
"Really, you're still going to have chemo?" I ask. "Chemo has some terrible side effects".<br />
<br />
"And regarding those statistics," I continue, "do they take account of the fact that you're a diabetic? It may be that for diabetics, the stress that all the treatment puts on your body actually ends up lowering your survival rate."<br />
<br />
"But I'll cope," says T affirmatively, "I'll be starting the treatment before the end of the month."<br />
<br />
The tone of voice made it was clear to me that the merits or risks of the chosen course of action were not up for discussion, which seemed odd to me. This was a real life or death situation, so surely one would want to consider everything. However, it became clear to me in subsequent conversation that the idea that the statistics might be different for diabetics was actually unwelcome, even though if true it would be very relevant.<br />
<br />
Luckily, I'm not posting this because I'm in any kind of crisis at the moment. I'm still happily coupled with boyfriend K :-), and these days I'm happily retired from banking too. But the older I get, the more of these situations I've seen, and tonight I suddenly realized that there was a common thread. <br />
<br />
P.S. Even though I'm now a retired banker, I'm not going to change the name of this blog!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-32823671871745391942017-09-18T00:13:00.001+01:002017-09-18T00:13:49.194+01:00Comments disabledThese days, the only comments on this blog are spam, so for now at I've disabled the ability for readers to leave comments. However, if anyone wants to say anything to me, my email address still works :-).<br />
<br />
GB xxxGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-55713158481661189242016-12-19T13:19:00.001+00:002016-12-19T13:19:12.825+00:00"Joiner visitors"[Although <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2016/10/retirement-as-blogger.html" target="_blank">I'm now a retired blogger</a>, I feel the need to post this … ]<br />
<br />
I like to think that I'm a (gay) man of the world. I've had a few boyfriends, and more than a few <em>encounters</em> with a varied selection men from all over the world, with a reasonable selection of <em>activities</em> too. So I don't think that anyone could call me naïve. Nonetheless, when I checked into a hotel with boyfriend K today, I didn't immediately realise what the following notice meant at the hotel reception:<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5G_rICaGP3GvZlxIMuom-ygiFt_ZiUAUtFa1DyOFLABa2fovOLOQJE0yoKtIQHVNoilYI_SexdCkKC1mkvLHEaz2bsmMgwnIYg8_tDgW6q3MuO7RveRH_VNGfERMUeegnc_aV/s1600/20161219_182721.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5G_rICaGP3GvZlxIMuom-ygiFt_ZiUAUtFa1DyOFLABa2fovOLOQJE0yoKtIQHVNoilYI_SexdCkKC1mkvLHEaz2bsmMgwnIYg8_tDgW6q3MuO7RveRH_VNGfERMUeegnc_aV/s640/20161219_182721.jpg" width="90%" title="Jailbait not allowed!";/></a></div><br />
"You do understand it, don't you?" asks boyfriend K with a cheeky tone in his voice, "the English is a bit weird!"<br />
<br />
"Well, I saw on the hotel's website that they charge extra for 3 people in a room," I reply after reading it very quickly.<br />
<br />
"Hang on," I continue, "what is a <em>joiner visitor</em>? A friend who arrives late?"<br />
<br />
"Don't forget that we're staying in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pattaya" target="_blank">Pattaya </a> tonight," replies boyfriend K helpfully.<br />
<br />
For readers who may not know, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pattaya" target="_blank">Pattaya </a> became famous during the Vietnam war as a place American solders went for prostitutes. And even though the Vietnam war ended a long time ago, the business continued.<br />
<br />
"Wow," I say feeling very stupid, "I've never seen that before in a hotel, a policy about bringing someone back for the night!"<br />
<br />
And when we get to our room, there's something else that I've never seen before in a hotel. A packet of condoms for sale in the bedroom, prominently visible, and proudly displayed on the mini-bar price list.<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv-GiE_ZbwwS5slMsSs_jblBFlEIPgEWn8eXDkKtkDKMd5BqRKtcYgWW5aJZv-DyswNK-zKEIsLy0JSiJsQrJakKGPemdXHd8x2F-lRcmXEr9mArX7ktHLKsM59OTxjOR-PFhQ/s1600/20161219_183829.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv-GiE_ZbwwS5slMsSs_jblBFlEIPgEWn8eXDkKtkDKMd5BqRKtcYgWW5aJZv-DyswNK-zKEIsLy0JSiJsQrJakKGPemdXHd8x2F-lRcmXEr9mArX7ktHLKsM59OTxjOR-PFhQ/s640/20161219_183829.jpg" width="95%" title="Condoms AND mouthwash :-), they think of everything!" /></a></div><br />
"Actually I remember now that one of my friends warned me about this," I say to boyfriend K after the baggage porter has left, "he told me that he always feels a bit dirty after a visit to Pattaya!"GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-28197244723960382112016-12-05T11:22:00.001+00:002016-12-21T04:30:14.457+00:00Christmas charity donations<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPbFBNGXJKKN914qjmUm2YjsA3CwuCWqppNDFaeEowEKapav3FezZrBVP7p7CHnsXLCej76yxpiNhHc9gZUOYe_2Ltm3JadG0eZEAbmIE7v9nV-xaLje4E5cd9AOu7_S-sTo2/s1600-h/christmas_tree_07.jpg" target="_blank"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5143898297803447666" title="Happy Christmas :-)" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="Christmas tree" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPbFBNGXJKKN914qjmUm2YjsA3CwuCWqppNDFaeEowEKapav3FezZrBVP7p7CHnsXLCej76yxpiNhHc9gZUOYe_2Ltm3JadG0eZEAbmIE7v9nV-xaLje4E5cd9AOu7_S-sTo2/s400/christmas_tree_07.jpg" width="45%" border="0"></a>Throughout the year I make small charity donations, for example in response to specific sponsorship requests from friends. However, it's in December in the run up to Christmas that I make the biggest donations. Since 2007 I've been asking readers for charity suggestions (see <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/search/label/Christmas%20charity%20donations" target="_blank">Christmas charity donation posting category</a>), and just because <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2016/10/retirement-as-blogger.html" target="_blank">I'm now a retired blogger</a>, I don't see any reason not to do a post here asking for suggestions. So all suggestions still welcome. I won't get round to making the donations before Friday 16th December 2016, so any comments made before then will be taken into account :-).<br />
<br />
<b>Update 21-Dec-2016: charity donations.</b><br />
<br />
In the end, I decided to support some of <a href="https://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2015/12/suggestions-for-christmas-charity.html" target="_blank">the charities that I supported last year</a>. Coming from a medical family, I guess <a href="http://www.msf.org.uk/" target="_blank">Médecins Sans Frontières</a> (UK charity number 1026588) is my favourite charity, so this year I gave them £1k. Apart from that, I also gave £0.5k to each of <a href="http://www.gmfa.org.uk/" target="_blank">GMFA</a> (UK charity number 1076854), <a href="http://foodcycle.org.uk/" target="_blank">Food Cycle</a> (UK charity number 1134423), <a href="https://www.againstmalaria.com/" target="_blank">Against Malaria Foundation</a> (UK charity number 1105319) and <a href="http://www.shelter.org.uk/" target="_blank">Shelter</a> (UK charity number 263710).<br />
<br />
As I was making these donations, it occurred to me that much of the work that these charities do relates to addressing the symptoms of problems rather than their causes. For example, <a href="http://www.msf.org.uk/" target="_blank">MSF</a> works in war zones and with refugees, but who is working to prevent the wars and the refugees that accompany them? Addressing the causes of problems would be better than treating their symptoms, but I guess that's a much harder thing to do :-(.<br />
<br />
Anyway, a very Happy Christmas to everyone :-). Big kisses, GB XXXGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-20018592367601448172016-10-31T17:05:00.000+00:002016-11-05T15:36:34.643+00:00Retirement as a bloggerDear Readers,<br />
<br />
I started this blog in 2005, and writing here has been great fun over the years :-). However, at the moment I'm finding it difficult to make the time for this blog, even though I've only been posting once a month. So for now at least, I'm not going to be doing any more postings. However, I'm still going to keep my domain name <a href="http://www.gaybanker.com/">gaybanker.com</a>, so for the foreseeable future I should still be <a href="mailto:gb@gaybanker.com">contactable by email</a>.<br />
<br />
Hugs and kisses to everyone!<br />
<br />
GB xxxGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-88877357858422246492016-09-26T14:10:00.006+01:002016-09-27T19:33:16.237+01:00A polite conversation"So when did you realise that you were gay?" asks F.<br />
<br />
I'm at a birthday party, and I'm chatting to a guy called F who I've only just met, so the question seems a little forward. But I'd just told F that I'm with boyfriend K, so it's clear that I don't have anything to hide regarding my sexuality.<br />
<br />
"Over twenty-five years ago," I reply.<br />
<br />
"Did you have girlfriends before you came out?" asks F.<br />
<br />
"No actually," I answer truthfully, "but it took me quite a while to accept that I was gay. Looking back it was pretty obvious, given that I never had girlfriends. Perhaps I was the last person to realise!"<br />
<br />
"My ex-wife almost married a gay man when she was living in Asia," says F, "because she loves the company of gay men."<br />
<br />
I'd been trying to work out whether F was gay or straight, and I'd been thinking that he was probably straight. Given that he's got an ex-wife, that's settles it.<br />
<br />
"I suppose that's part of the reason why we got married," continues F, "because I had a boyfriend before."<br />
<br />
I didn't expect that!<br />
<br />
"Oh, so I guess you're bi?"<br />
<br />
"Well, probably more gay than straight :-). I had a girlfriend when I was a student, but then I switched to guys. But I always wanted to have kids, and I got on very well with this female colleague who also wanted kids, so we ended up getting married. It worked well when the kids were young, but we're divorced now."<br />
<br />
"So have you got a boyfriend again now?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"No, I had an operation a few years ago and now I can't get fully hard. Penetrative sex isn't possible for me anymore, whether with a man or a woman."<br />
<br />
Talking about sexuality and sex with someone who you've only just met isn't what one expects in polite English society! But he's seems like a very genuine guy, so I'm more than happy to have this kind of conversation.<br />
<br />
"I've never thought that having a boyfriend was only about the sex," I say, "I think companionship is important too, and indeed, probably more important as one gets older."<br />
<br />
"I'm very happy with my own company," answers F, "Perhaps I'll end up as a lonely old man, but for now I'm not looking for a partner of either gender. Don't you get bored, waking up next to the same body every morning?"<br />
<br />
"Not at all," I reply, "I hope that I'll be able to wake up with boyfriend K every day for the rest of my life :-)."<br />
<br />
"That sounds like a strong commitment," says F, sceptically.<br />
<br />
"Well, I ended up splitting up with my first boyfriend because I couldn't keep my trousers up!" I admit, "So I feel I've done the sleeping around thing. These days, I feel very lucky that I've found boyfriend K, because we get on very well together most of the time."<br />
<br />
"Anyway," I say, changing the subject, "how many kids do you have?"<br />
<br />
"Just two, a boy and a girl, but they're grown up now. Actually my daughter is a lesbian, and she's got a lovely girlfriend :-)."<br />
<br />
Another comment that I didn't expect!<br />
<br />
"One day, she comes into the room to talk to me," continues F, "She looks at me nervously and says 'Dad, what would you do if I told you I'm going to get a tattoo and that I am gay?'. So I just asked her what kind of tattoo!"<br />
<br />
"But why was she nervous coming out to you, given that you've had a boyfriend before? Didn't she know about your former boyfriend?"<br />
<br />
"When the kids were growing up my ex-boyfriend used to visit us," says F, "The kids loved him, and treated him like their favourite uncle. They probably guessed that we used to be together."<br />
<br />
"But that means 'No', you never told your kids that you're not completely straight," I remark in disbelief. I feel astounded that F has been so open about everything with me in such a short space of time, but that he's never told his grown-up children about his true sexuality.<br />
<br />
"What about your son?" I ask, wondering whether there more surprises in store.<br />
<br />
"My son's also got a girlfriend, so he's probably straight!"<br />
<br />
"Well, you said that you had a girlfriend too when you were young," I say, "and obviously a wife at one point, so you never know!"<br />
<br />
"Good point," replies F, "you never know :-)."<br />
<br />
Indeed, you never know. I like to think that as a gay man, I'm good at working out whether people are gay or not. But I had no idea what this guy's story was. It just goes to show how dangerous it can be to make assumptions about people's background, and especially about their sexuality!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-11877507436537747432016-08-30T10:51:00.000+01:002016-09-26T14:12:24.637+01:00Human penis size worldwideIf the success of a blog post is judged by the number of comments that it receives, then my most successful post ever is one that I did back in 2005, titled <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.co.uk/2005/11/erect-penis-length-of-men-from.html" target="_blank">Erect penis length of men from different ethnic groups</a>. It continues to receive comments even now, more than ten years after I first wrote it. My guess is that this is something to do with the way Google works. Blogger.com is owned by google.com, so if a blog post gets a comment, presumably that keeps it fresh and eligible to be included in search results.<br />
<br />
Since then, my views haven't changed significantly. But in connection with this, someone recently drew my attention to a web site which has a a map of penis size across the world:<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=3073" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEju30kpdXfxIaFJuhBrax2Iqcub0Snm3wy6VY-wg1CnOjzOtK0FhyphenhyphenJ95yxA1V0MPPGdKkoKX-RVpk8DPVuz8cmZ9832wyxrYQlL8FybncfnRfRSUTtI055kJkehyphenhyphenHbhnflEzfU1/s640/eps.jpg" width="95%" /></a></div><br />
If any readers have any thoughts on how accurate this is, then please leave a comment :-).<br />
GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-21891682201530693872016-07-31T17:03:00.000+01:002016-09-19T08:13:22.936+01:00Bi-fidelity: email from a guy who's hiding something from his wifeAt the end of last month, a reader sent me the following email:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
I enjoy your writing and powers of analysis and thought it would be therapeutic to write for your comments and comments from your readers.<br />
<br />
I've been happily married to my wife for over 30 years. We have children. We have enjoyable sex, although I now need the help of Viagra. Only in the last few years, I've come to enjoy gay male internet porn. I have indulged in mild <em>activities</em>, as you call them, in the sauna at my gym. I've even made a few forays to a bathhouse, where I've topped a few men with gusto. Terrified of STDs, I've never given or received oral sex, because it seems this just isn't done with condoms. Nor have I bottomed for anyone. But I find myself craving these experiences, toying with hookups but always canceling them, and posing on some gay social chat sites as quite the virtual rake.<br />
<br />
I don't have the nerve to confess these bi cravings and escapades to my wife. The last thing I want is to lose my marriage and hurt my family by letting this side of me further out of the closet. I just wish I could have it both ways, like an old fashioned Parisian gent, married, but with tacit permission to see (not mistresses or prostitutes) but hunky studs for a good time now and then. Do I just forbear until my sex drive wanes altogether? Indulge in down low forays? Gamble on total honesty? What's a bi guy to do?</span><br />
<br />
It was a couple of days before I saw the email, but as soon as I saw it I sent him a quick reply to say that I thought there were quite a few guys like him around. I also asked him if there was anything that he wanted to add, and within a day he'd sent me a two line email in which he simply said:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">I do find the diet of monogamous sex hard to adhere to. But is loosening my self restraint wise, when, all things considered, I have so much to lose?</span><br />
<br />
Initially this reader's story reminded me about <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2013/03/emails-from-married-guy-with-some-gay.html" target="_blank">the married guy with some gay characteristics</a> who emailed me three years ago. However, although this reader and that guy have both had happy marriages, the reader is going in the opposite direction to the guy from three years ago. So perhaps they don't have much in common after all.<br />
<br />
I've been thinking about this guy's situation for a while now, and the thing that I find hard to gauge is the relative strength of his heterosexuality vs his homosexuality. It seems to be that his homosexual side must be at least as strong as his heterosexual side, otherwise I doubt that he'd have felt the need to email me. If his heterosexuality:homosexuality ratio is 50%:50% then he can probably just indulge in occasional clandestine <em>activities</em> with other guys on the side. But if it's more like 5%:95%, or moving to be that way over time, then I'm not sure that strategy would work.<br />
<br />
One thing that might tell the guy about the relative strength of his heterosexuality versus his homosexuality is the Viagra that he uses. Does he need Viagra to get an erection when he's watching gay porn or when actually meeting another guy? If the excitement of gay encounters is significantly greater than the excitement of sex with his wife, then perhaps he doesn't need Viagra for gay <em>activities</em>, which would suggest that this homosexuality is a lot stronger than his heterosexuality at the moment. Even it that's true it might still just be a phase that he's going through, like it was for the married guy who emailed me three years ago.<br />
<br />
Depending on how much time he spends pursuing his hidden gay life, it's possible that his wife already suspects that something isn't quite right. Over time if he continues to have a lot of secret gay encounters, it way well have a corrosive effect on his relationship anyway, because it's almost impossible to hide absolutely all aspects of this kind of thing. So it could be a mistake to think that the current situation can continue forever.<br />
<br />
In this situation a big concern is the reader's wife. A terrible outcome would be if the reader were to contract an STD and pass it on to her. Nonetheless it sounds like his fear of STDs is overdone, because condoms should protect against the worst ones, in particular HIV. Also, I've never heard of anyone catching anything nasty from receiving oral sex.<br />
<br />
The only guy that I have <em>activities</em> with at the moment is my boyfriend, but when I used to meet other guys, I always used to ask them if they had any STDs as well as taking all possible precautions such as using condoms. Of course it's true that guys can lie, but a lot of people are honest so asking the question does reduce risk. I never proceeded to do anything with someone when I didn't get a convincing answer about STDs, and I would encourage the reader to pursue a similar strategy.<br />
<br />
In all walks of life, new experiences are more exciting than well known ones. Perhaps the most important question for the reader is whether he still enjoys repeating the gay <em>activities</em> that he's already had, or whether it's just the possibility of new experiences that excite him. If it's mostly the new experiences then once he's done everything once, perhaps his need for gay <em>activities</em> will subside. Another thought is the fact that these <em>activites</em> are conducted in secret also makes them more exciting.<br />
<br />
In any case, the reader's email suggests an irresitible urge to try the things that he hasn't done yet. It seems to me that he should at least find a way to try bottoming with a condom, and to receive oral sex, before making any decision about being more honest with his family.<br />
<br />
It's impossible to give the reader any firm advice because there are so many things to consider, and so many things that are unknown. Nonetheless, I've tried to say some useful things, which will hopefully give the reader some things to think about. Do any other readers have anything to add?GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-35497342952645065822016-06-27T18:45:00.002+01:002016-06-27T18:50:00.539+01:00Racism on the rise :-(<a href="http://www.economist.com/news/leaders/21693584-leaving-eu-would-hurt-britainand-would-also-deal-terrible-blow-west-real-danger" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQGo1GrbZE3__F7LsMMUyAZSga2bOKySgD9it-OnP1d78xEUrKNOkz5OHMpnDObn9X-i48ObBpzaa6o0ZspMyayjP2I9kr6_NoFcYDvTFMhnZm6BkmBhxSBBATT9FkVk0698X/s640/brexit.jpg" width="35%"/></a>Like a lot of other people around the world, I am astounded and deeply upset that the UK voted to leave the European Union last week. As a result, a huge number of things are now going on in British politics, and one can only hope that something happens that somehow keeps us in the EU. Apparently Scotland, where the vote was strongly remain, may have some kind of veto. Also the petition to run another referendum now has well over 3 million signatures.<br />
<br />
However, the thing that disturbs me most about the situation is the rise of right wing nationalism and intolerance. The British EU referendum where the leave campaign had the slogan "Take back control" is just one example of this, because it seems to be happening all over the Western world. Donald Trump becoming the Republican nominee for US president is another example, as is the fact that <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-36362505" target="_blank">Austria almost elected a far right wing president last month</a>.<br />
<br />
In the UK, even though the Leave side only won a by slim margin, a side effect of their success is that all the nasty people now feel that their views have some validity. In this context "nasty" means all the racists and fascists, and all the members of the far right wing groups such as the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_National_Party" target="_blank">British National Party</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Britain_First" target="_blank">Britain First</a>, the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_Defence_League" target="_blank">English Defence League</a> and so on. The result is <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/eu-referendum-racism_uk_576fe161e4b08d2c56396075" target="_blank">a significant rise in incidents of racism</a> :-(.<br />
<br />
I even witnessed a very minor incident of racism myself. Travelling back to London from Gatwick airport last Friday, after a trip to France with boyfriend K, all the trains are a bit delayed and taking much longer than usual to reach their destinations. When we get near the London terminus, we stand up to wait near the door so that we can be one of the first off the train, and I get chatting to a man in his mid 30's who's also waiting near the door.<br />
<br />
"Another day, another train delay!" he says to me, with a slightly fed up look on his face. He speaks perfect English, but I can tell from his accent that he's European rather than British.<br />
<br />
"Any idea what the excuse is this time?" I ask, "perhaps the <a href="http://www.itv.com/news/london/2016-06-23/flooding-hits-london-and-the-south-east-on-eu-polling-day/" target="_blanks">recent flooding</a> is the problem?"<br />
<br />
"I'm not sure," he replies, "but I do this journey every day and there always seems to be one problem or another :-(".<br />
<br />
We chat a bit more about the sad state of the train service south of London, but then an older English guy who'd been listening to our conversation decides to join in.<br />
<br />
"You must come from a country where the train services are always perfect," he says with a sneer in his voice. The guy that I was talking to looks mildly uncomfortable, but I find a way to continue the conversation in a way that supports him, and luckily the older guy doesn't say anything else.<br />
<br />
I've always subscribed to the view that although democracy isn't a perfect political system, it's the least worst. However, being imperfect it delivers results like this that run contrary to common sense, given that all the major British political parties as well as countless other organisations have argued that Brexit is stupid! The electorate seem to think that our current prosperity and freedoms are guaranteed, that the fascist regimes that we saw in Europe in the 1930's are ancient history, that war in Europe is not possible anymore. I disagree profoundly with such short-sighted complacency, and for me the original reason for starting European integration in the 1950's is still completely valid, namely to make war in Europe not merely unthinkable but materially impossible. In my opinion, the economic and security advantages of being in the EU are just the icing on the cake.<br />
<br />
It wasn't just ethnic minorities that suffered in Europe during the Second World War, because gay people were also persecuted. I hope that the current move towards right wing politics doesn't get that far, and hopefully goes into reverse soon before anything really bad happens.GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-81707950711865266102016-05-30T19:13:00.001+01:002016-05-30T19:18:31.121+01:00Email from a reader about sexually transmitted diseasesA few days ago, a reader sent me the following email:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
I've accidentally found your blog and really like the way your mind works. Thank you for the effort you put to blogging and the juicy stories you shared. It becomes my habit to read several posts of your blog every morning :)<br />
<br />
Recently I bumped into a problem and would be great if you can give me some advice.<br />
<br />
I had a cruising life like you used to, but unfortunately one month ago I got some genital warts in anal. During the treatment, I've been thinking how to avoid this in the future. Perhaps no more top btm thing in sex, but only kissing, hand-job? (Even BJ is risky)<br />
<br />
In one of the posts you said you only do anal with "boyfriends", which indicates that you probably avoid this with a random cruising partner.<br />
<br />
Can you suggest what kind <em>activities</em> you usually do with the guys met on apps or internet?<br />
<br />
Thanks for the help and looking forward to your reply<br />
<br />
Have a lovely day,<br />
Your loyal reader</span><br />
<br />
Reading the email made me wonder about anal warts and how they're passed on. In particular, I was wondering whether condoms provide any protection from the infection. Searching the internet, I found <a href="http://www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/genital-warts" target="_blank">a page on the UK's Family Planning Association web site</a> which says that although the virus that causes the warts will not pass through a condom, it can be passed on by skin to skin contact. That means that it is possible get the infection even if a condom is worn, because condoms only cover the shaft of a guy's penis so there's still a lot of other skin that will come into contact with his sex partner.<br />
<br />
But of course, the problem isn't just anal warts. There are a large number of sexually transmitted diseases, and ideally one wants to avoid all of them. Unfortunately the only way to do that is to stick with a partner who's clean and who you trust not to shag around!<br />
<br />
The reader is right that I almost always avoided anal sex with random guys that I'd only met recently. In my opinion, that reduces the risk of catching anything serious like HIV, although it certainly doesn't eliminate the risk entirely. Regarding anal sex, it's interesting to note that although a lot of people think that gay sex means anal sex, studies such as <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2011.02438.x/abstract" target="_blank">this paper in the Journal of Sexual Medicine</a> suggest otherwise. According to that article which collected data from over 24000 men who have sex with men, only 37% of the guys surveyed participated in anal sex.<br />
<br />
Apart from the <em>activities</em> that the reader mentions, there's also <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frot" target="_blank">frottage</a>. But whatever one does, for me the most important thing is to establish some kind of intimate connection with the other guy. Establishing a connection is to do with the chemistry between the two guys rather than what the <em>activities</em> are. If one doesn't connect with the other guy in some meaningful way, then one may as well just stay at home and have a wank!<br />
<br />
Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-83275130213201451282016-04-30T12:34:00.000+01:002016-04-30T12:46:10.979+01:00The enigmatic bolster pillow<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bolster" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_vnExj8AmUlOZbIe-mqHZ1XWmQ3UXM0JUvqo7wPjSyLKYIfbZGj5Wa96ITli4T00otVPVwJv1pCgKgGAl6IfmN-c5kwStG4sC9nl8RmyzVilTq9UksSzCP76wAeNpKVz52lsb/s640/2016-04-26+21.42.51.jpg" title="What does the bolster pillow signify?" width="40%"/></a>"So are you going to come out to your mother on this trip?" I ask boyfriend K last month.<br />
<br />
We're about to embark on a month long holiday to Asia :-). The plan is to visit several countries, including a couple of weeks in boyfriend K's home country. And as part of the itinerary in boyfriend K's home country, we'll be spending some time with his family.<br />
<br />
"Of course not!" answers boyfriend K, with a very defensive tone in his voice.<br />
<br />
"Each time I meet your mother, and each time she sees us spending time together, I get even more convinced that she knows anyway," I say, trying to make it seem like less of a hurdle for him.<br />
<br />
"Well she doesn't know," replies boyfriend K with a firm tone in his voice. "As you know, I've told my sister, but that's as far as I need to go."<br />
<br />
"How can you be so sure that your mother doesn't know?" I ask, as usual feeling slightly perplexed by his certainty on this subject, "she's a smart woman."<br />
<br />
"Oh just leave me alone!"<br />
<br />
I decide to leave him alone.<br />
<br />
I know that coming out as gay to one's family is a very difficult topic for Asian guys. Often it boils down to the fact that they don't want to disappoint their families. However, two of boyfriend K's gay male friends from his home country have managed to come out to their mothers. And in various conversations, they've both told me and boyfriend K that their families accepted the news, and that their lives have been much easier since they came out.<br />
<br />
A week later, just after the start of the holiday, and there are eight of us having dinner in a smart Asian-European fusion restaurant in the city where we're staying for a few days. However, the only women at the table are boyfriend K's mother and his sister. In addition to me and boyfriend K, there's boyfriend K's brother, another gay male couple called M and D, and also a single gay man. To my eyes, M and D are quite obviously gay and a quite obviously a couple.<br />
<br />
"So how long have you and boyfriend K been together now?" asks M during the meal, oblivious to the fact that boyfriend K's family aren't meant to know that he's gay.<br />
<br />
"It'll soon be two and a half years :-)," I answer, glancing sideways at boyfriend K to see whether he's worried about his family overhearing this conversation. But he seems unperturbed. I know why. He's just as convinced that his mother and brother speak no English as he is that they have no idea about his sexuality!<br />
<br />
After dinner, I end up chatting a bit to M, out of earshot of the others.<br />
<br />
"Did you know that boyfriend K doesn't want his mother or brother to know that he's gay?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"What??" replies M, sounding completely amazed, "Of course she knows."<br />
<br />
"Mothers always know!" he adds, nodding his head knowingly.<br />
<br />
"Well, I tend to agree. Boyfriend K has been in denial about this ever since I've known him."<br />
<br />
"Actually, you're very lucky," says M, changing the subject slightly, "because she's warm towards you :-). As you know, I've had various Asian boyfriends. Sometimes I've not even been allowed to meet their mothers."<br />
<br />
"I know the feeling," I say, "because I was never allowed to meet ex-boyfriend T's family. In fact, I wasn't even allowed to meet any of his friends :-(".<br />
<br />
"Well with one of my ex boyfriends, I sometimes used to meet his mother, and she was always quite cold towards me. But I can see that things are fine for you, with boyfriend K's mother :-)."<br />
<br />
A few days later and me and boyfriend K are spending a night in his mother's house, before flying off in the morning to the next country in our itinerary. We're always given the same bedroom whenever we stay in his mother's house, and when I walk into the room, the usual scene greets me. There's a double bed, and dividing the bed into two halves is a bolster pillow:<br />
<br />
<div align="center"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bolster" target="_blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_uFEd8vmNNqECkqz0SA9plXNIWdXgm9T7ois93FDI9CjhyphenhyphenQ2XMKEhUcamJ983zOJBB80cNi8J1dT9Unbd5v_NfJ9E5nxA6EJVLbI4Gor4uJGzQt7oL8b_vxsNC8hHr2uPysx_/s640/2016-04-26+21.42.51.jpg" title="Gay sex discouraged?" width="95%"/></a></div><br />
But this time, I start to wonder what the enigmatic bed bolster signifies. After all, would boyfriend K's mother leave a bolster down the middle of the bed if we were a straight couple? After mulling the situation over in my mind for a while, I decide that there are three interesting possibilities:<ol><li>I'm wrong and boyfriend K's mother doesn't know that we're a gay couple, or at least she's not sure. So the bolster is to prevent two straight guys from being embarrassed when they share a bed together.</li>
<li>I'm right and boyfriend K's mother does know that we're a gay couple, but she wants to send us a message that she doesn't like the idea of amorous gay <em>activities</em> taking place in her house.</li>
<li>I'm right and boyfriend K's mother does know that we're a gay couple, but she knows that her son thinks that she doesn't know, and she wants to go along with the charade to avoid any difficult moments.</li>
</ol>There is of course a fourth possibility, namely that the bed has that bolster on it just because it always does, in which case there's no enigma after all :-(. However, I prefer to think that my third possibility is the truth :-). Boyfriend K's mother was a business woman when she was younger, so there's no doubt that she's very smart.<br />
<br />
Looking to the future, it's possible that boyfriend K's mother will make a trip to visit us in London this summer. If so, she'll see that there's no bolster pillow on our bed. I'll also suggest that boyfriend K's mother meets some of my family while she's in the UK. Although I'd much prefer boyfriend K to come out to his family, I'm also mildly curious to see how absurd the situation can become!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-70162219131158400802016-03-27T02:54:00.001+01:002016-04-07T09:44:43.955+01:00London 2016 Gay Film Festival<a href="http://www.bfi.org.uk/flare" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigrHcO6Qhz2Ly6GkfNylMUi1q6MB7izjd-CQ6HVw2tbp81daEXQVpI-Yz7NpEImwups1jzhGicPsKgu0xvijz4SZ1QMYPR2zNgpIeT-UoMJ0XRG1IJC-KtvOvwAbUGxi1rLRb0/s640/bfi-flare-london-lgbt-film-festival-2016-800x770.jpg" width="40%"/></a>Every spring for about two weeks, the <a href="http://www.bfi.org.uk/" target="_blank">British Film Institute</a> puts on a film festival where all the films have a gay, or more precisely a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT" target="_blank">LGBT</a> theme. For some reason they've started calling this film festival <a href="http://www.bfi.org.uk/flare" target="_blank">Flare</a>, but the nature of the films they show hasn't changed. My blogger friend <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a> often invites me to go with him to see a few of the films, and this year I went with him on three occasions and saw:<ul><li><b>Sex, Love and Other Stories</b>, a collection of four short films (<a href="https://vimeo.com/116378885" target="_blank">The love archive</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5166810/" target="_blank">Dinner with Jeffrey</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4009330/" target="_blank">Discretion</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4635466" target="_blank">Lethargy</a>);</li>
<li><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3212408/" target="_blank"><b>Beautiful Something</b></a>, a story about four gay men, and what happens to them on a single night in Philadelphia;</li>
<li><b>Deeper Understanding</b>, a collection of 6 short films (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5465768/" target="_blank">Mother knows best</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3986496/" target="_blank">The Future Perfect</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5505532" target="_blank">Sauna the dead</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4806512" target="_blank">The guy from work</a>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5577508" target="_blank">The orchid</a>, <a href=" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4075496" target="_blanks">No strings</a>).</li>
</ul><strong>*** plot spoilers follow! ***</strong><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3212408/" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQq5ZuCzekP3itd_6Hj6GOAoiRtFORV7DTXlTdLSgZe1mcBh7uooKEt6lKBR1jxG0PwLhm-F7rs_X4Hjn6CdJIwIxeDS-HNy4Qcm_cXasGH0ptPYLh89LqwQOW4NWCJ1VK4BLp/s640/beautifulsomething.JPG" width="30%" /></a>Without doubt I enjoyed the full length film <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3212408/" target="_blank">Beautiful Something</a> :-). It was a bit dull to start with, with a broke guy going to a quiet gay bar, picking up a guy, going back to his place for <em>activities</em>, nothing special. But one once gets past the first 20 mintues or so and one gets to know the characters, it becomes a great film :-). At the film festival, the director was there to answer some questions after the screening that we saw, and it turns out that a lot of it is based on his own experiences.<br />
<br />
The first collection of short films was pretty good too :-). Although I didn't care at all for the first film which was called <a href="https://vimeo.com/116378885" target="_blank">The love archive</a>, the next one called <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5166810/" target="_blank">Dinner with Jeffrey</a> was mildly amusing. In <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5166810/" target="_blank">Dinner with Jeffrey</a> a young gay guy has dinner with his gay uncle, ends up in bed with a young male friend of the uncle, with an amusing catch at the end! More interesting was <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4009330/" target="_blank">Discretion</a>, where a university professor (aged about 40, married to another man) ends up indulging in <em>activities</em> with one of his young male students. He feels terribly guilty about it afterwards, but should he confess to his husband?<br />
<br />
However the collection of six short films that we saw were, on average, much lower quality. They're probably more the sort of thing that one expects to see at a film festival, namely films of relatively little merit that would never see the light of day if it wasn't for film festivals! This was the last thing that I saw with <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, and afterwards we end up discussing some of them.<br />
<br />
"I didn't see the point of some of some of those films," I say, trying to convey my overall view that on average these six short films weren't very good.<br />
<br />
"I didn't think they were that bad!" replies <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, sounding genuinely upbeat about what he'd just seen.<br />
<br />
"How would you rate them," he continues, "using a scale of 1 to 10 like <a href="http://imbd.com" target="_blank">imdb.com</a> does?"<br />
<br />
"Perhaps 3/10 for the first film <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5465768/" target="_blank">Mother knows best</a>," I start …<br />
<br />
"Oh come on," interrupts <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, "it was better than that :-). I thought that it raised some interesting issues. The parents of the young gay guy were presumably divorced. Gay men are often closer to their mothers than their fathers, so why did the gay guy in the film get on so much better with his father?"<br />
<br />
"Well perhaps it was an interesting situation," I answer, "but we didn't really get to see any of it because the whole film is just a single conversation with the mother."<br />
<br />
"And honestly," I continue, "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4806512" target="_blank">The guy from work</a>, that gets 1/10 and I'm being generous!"<br />
<br />
"No way, it wasn't that bad!" protests <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, "I'd probably give it a 3 or a 4".<br />
<br />
"So what's the lowest rating that you'd ever give?" I ask, wondering whether film ratings are a bit like ratings that get given for fine wines. Wine review web sites like <a href="http://www.erobertparker.com/" target="_blank">eRobertParker.com</a> give scores out of 100, and it's absurd to me that the scale seems to start around 50/100 instead of 0/100 or 1/100!<br />
<br />
"Sometimes I do actually log into <a href="http://imdb.com/" target="_blank">imdb.com</a> and give ratings," he answers, "and I think I've given just 3/10 on a few occasions."<br />
<br />
"But haven't you've been to a lot of film festivals over the years? Haven't you seen 100's if not 1000's of films? On a scale of 1 to 10, an average film should be rated 5, and the worst films that you've seen should get just 1. Otherwise you're not using a scale of 1 to 10 :-)."<br />
<br />
"I'd probably give <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5577508" target="_blank">The orchid</a> an 8/10," continues <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>, ignoring my complaints about his rating scale.<br />
<br />
"But it was only 3 minutes long!"<br />
<br />
"Yes exactly," he replies, "and it was memorable, even though it was such a short film!"<br />
<br />
"What about <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5505532" target="_blank">Sauna the dead</a>," I ask, "Obviously a joke name because it sounds like <a href=" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365748/" target="_blank">Shaun of the Dead</a>. Perhaps that gets 3 or 4/10 from me. I hate horror films :-(. It's the kind of film that must have been great fun making, but not so much fun to watch!"<br />
<br />
"I'm not a fan of horror either, but short horror like that is fine :-)," responds <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/11493608927198507173" target="_blank">Close Encounters</a>.<br />
<br />
"But how can you have a film that's set in a gay sauna, and not even show a single raunchy buttock of any of the cute actors!"<br />
<br />
We continue discussing the films for another ten or fifteen minutes, but with other things to do, eventually we have to go our separate ways.<br />
<br />
If any other readers saw any of the films in the gay film festival this year, please leave a comment and let me know what you thought. And if you didn't see any of the films, perhaps you should put a note in your diary to visit London during the gay film festival next year :-). Although some of the films seem worthless to me, every year that I've been I've always seen at least one great film!GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-85587031620400744442016-02-23T07:43:00.000+00:002016-02-23T07:46:20.360+00:0029th FebruaryIt's 7pm on a Friday evening, and I'm doing a bit of work at home in my study when boyfriend K comes in to ask me a question:<br />
<br />
"We don't have any plans this evening, do we?" he queries.<br />
<br />
"Not yet," I reply, "but it's only 36 hours until we leave for the skiing trip, so perhaps we should start packing!"<br />
<br />
"Well, we've just been invited round to B and C's for dinner :-)".<br />
<br />
C is a friend of boyfriend K who lives in a smart apartment quite close to us. He lives there with his boyfriend who's called B, and they've tried inviting us round to dinner twice this year, but so far we've always been busy.<br />
<br />
"OK," I reply, smiling at boyfriend K, "we can do that :-). But let's try and avoid getting back too late, because we've also got that party tomorrow afternoon with those old friends of mine."<br />
<br />
Boyfriend K has got a great set of friends, and whenever I join any of them and their partners it's always good fun. They always live very much for the moment, but a consequence of that is that occasionally one wakes up the following afternoon with a horrendous hangover wondering what happened!<br />
<br />
We arrive at B and C's about 45 minutes later and it turns out to be quite a select gathering. Apart from boyfriend K, me, B, C, there's just one other person, a female friend of both boyfriend K and C who's called Z. I've met Z on a couple of occasions before, but in the past I've never had much of a conversation with her.<br />
<br />
"Where's your boyfriend tonight," I ask Z a little later in the evening, after we've had a few glasses of wine.<br />
<br />
"He's with some of his friends tonight, at a Jazz club," she answers, "and if you like we could all go and join them later."<br />
<br />
"Maybe," I answer cautiously, "but I've got quite a lot to do tomorrow so I may skip it this time."<br />
<br />
"I'll come :-)," chips in boyfriend K, "you don’t mind do you, GB?"<br />
<br />
"Of course I don't mind," I reply, but we're only half way through the meal so no one is thinking of leaving just yet.<br />
<br />
A little later in the evening, Z starts talking to me about her boyfriend.<br />
<br />
"You're British, aren't you GB," she starts.<br />
<br />
"Uh, yes indeed :-)," I answer, "why do you ask?"<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.irishcentral.com/roots/leap-year-february-29th-is-when-women-can-ask-men-to-marry-them-140128503-237431711.html" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihdnTmY8z-mwBNyisbGXyEXKxB993WX-W4MMicG05T1kucjNvKTqatPfNAJjAYDT27MzuslPf96l7Zn7YgdkjZxbXU9Udqk5WOdQQnLcLCfMWrwYDUHLz9qPO4VggHZAaKKUtw/s640/marriage.jpg" title="Apparently it's an Irish tradition :-)" width="40%"/></a>"I've heard that it's a tradition that women can ask men to marry them on 29th February, the one day in the calendar when it's acceptable", she replies, "Is that right?"<br />
<br />
"I think I've heard that before, but I don't think it's a very big tradition. Perhaps it's an idea that comes from America, I'm not sure."<br />
<br />
"So can I assume that your boyfriend is British and you want to get married to him?" I ask.<br />
<br />
"Yes, I feel it's time," she replies, "but I'm scared of what his answer will be."<br />
<br />
"How long have you been together?"<br />
<br />
"Around 8 years! We're both in our mid-thirties now, so if we don't do it soon, I don't know when we'll get round to it."<br />
<br />
Like boyfriend K, Z isn't a native European, so there's one question that I feel I have to ask.<br />
<br />
"You don't have a visa problem staying in the UK do you? That can be one reason to get married."<br />
<br />
"No, that's not a problem, and neither of us want children at the moment either. But I love him, and I see some of my friend having their big wedding day, and I think why can't I have a wedding too. I just want my day in a nice white dress and a big party :-)."<br />
<br />
Z is a lovely looking girl, with a great bubbly personality too, so as far as I can tell any straight guy would be very lucky to have her.<br />
<br />
"Well you should just talk to him," I suggest, "I'm not sure that something as artificial as any 29th February tradition is relevant."<br />
<br />
"But don't ask directly," I say, "British people are a bit like the Japanese. Indirect is always much better!"<br />
<br />
"How do you mean?" she asks.<br />
<br />
"OK, how about this. Say to him something like 'Have you ever thought that one day, I *might* like to get married to you?'"<br />
<br />
"That doesn't say you want to get married or you don't want to get married. It just asks him whether he's thinking about it, and whether he's thinking about what you *might* want, at some point in the future!"<br />
<br />
"In fact," I continue, "he can't really answer 'yes' or 'no' to that question. 'No' would be a terrible answer because it means that he doesn't think about what you want. And 'Yes' is a ridiculous answer, because from what you've said, he doesn't ever talk about it! But of course, he's not going to give a direct answer to an indirect question anyway :-)."<br />
<br />
"All that might be a bit too clever for me, GB," she replies eventually, "but I do see what you mean."<br />
<br />
The conversation gradually moves onto other topics, and by the time that boyfriend K, Z and C start to think about moving to the jazz club, it turns out that Z's boyfriend has already left. So a little later, we thank our hosts for all their hospitality and make our way home. Around 1am I climb into bed with boyfriend K, and with our naked bodies touching each other, we fall asleep. <br />
<br />
The next day, a bit of research on google suggests that <a href="http://www.irishcentral.com/roots/leap-year-february-29th-is-when-women-can-ask-men-to-marry-them-140128503-237431711.html" target="_blank">it's an Irish tradition</a> that women can propose to men on 29th February. I don't know what Z is going to do about trying to get a wedding out of her boyfriend, and whether she'll try talking to him on 29th February, but I hope she succeeds in the end. Any excuse for another party sounds good to me :-).GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-63406977789086316982016-01-13T11:52:00.000+00:002016-01-13T11:52:35.173+00:00Email from a guy with an impolite boyfriendJust before the end of November last year, a reader sent me the following email:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. <br />
<br />
My boyfriend was, for a year and a half, amazing, wonderful, and essentially the most loving person I have ever met. He was extremely kind, not only to me, but to others, was very positive and charming, and was very open minded. I love this man deeply, and I truly feel honoured to be with him. I know for a fact that he loves me the same, and we would go to extreme lengths to make each other happy.<br />
<br />
But for the last year and a half, he has become quite the opposite. He is extremely rude to others (not me, luckily). He purposely walks in the way of others in public to assert his self-defined superiority, causing one older woman to ask him "Are you okay?", with him responding snarkily, "Don't get in my way." He stares at himself in the mirror for very long periods of time, brushes his hair obsessively, and often mentions how beautiful he is. He regularly mentions how he is so financially successful at such a young age, which is true, but then makes it a competition between him and his similarly successful friends. He thinks all of my friends are a waste of resources, since they are mostly following a traditional career path in their respective fields. He buys $2,000+ articles of clothing and apparel not to look good, but to make others who can't afford it feel inadequate. He is cunning, and uses his people skills and good looks to manipulate others to do things for him. He purposely treats people in the service industry poorly so they feel as if they must overcompensate to earn a tip or good rating. He ignores people when spoken to while staring at his finger nails, and often responds to complex questions with overly simplified and off-topic answers to turn the tide of the discussion in his favour. I have spoken to him about all of this.<br />
<br />
I know everything I've stated above seems like he is the worst person to ever walk the face of this planet, but he wasn't always this way. He *tells me* that he has always been this way, but from the first year and a half of dating, that is completely untrue. I have confronted him about this by stating that I believe, when he is acting terribly, that I am staring at someone else, and I cannot recognize him. He is very stubborn, and at first, refused to believe me and tried to make it seem like I'm imaging things, but I was so overwhelmed by his idiocy that burst out in tears, and he finally listened. He told me he will try to be more nice, more focused on how to be a better person. He is extremely romantic and tender in these situations, and really kills it as a boyfriend when it comes to caring for me. He loves who I am on the inside and out, and finds me very attractive. He loves my family, and I love his, and we get along wonderfully as best friends. I've seen some improvement in the recent months, but it's more of a 15% improvement than anything else. <br />
<br />
Overall, I'm not happy with the current state of relationship, directly due to his bad attitude. Things could be infinitely worse, as in, he could be treating me badly or not love me, or he could be cheating, etc, but he is not, and I shouldn't take anything for granted. However, I still find myself unhappy with him. His bad attitude makes me want to disappear sometimes, or fall asleep and wake up to a time when he was still acting normal. Even his own mother has noticed a severe change in attitude, and told him that she did not raise him to act this way to others.<br />
<br />
Finally, he is not going through any trauma or severe change in his life. We talk about his work life, family, friends, and personal well-being all of the time, and he is very comfortable and happy. He is not stressed out, nor is he worried about the future. He is not self-conscious, more so like overly self-confident. I am more of a quiet person, and much more observant and self-aware. We are both very young, as I've already alluded to, and I believe that we both have much to learn. He believes that he knows all that he needs. Despite all of these changes, I still love him deeply.<br />
<br />
Thus, I am unsure of how to act on this. I like to address a problem, and solve it. He is having difficulty understanding the problem, or seeing that it exists, making this a particularly difficult situation for me. Do you have any advice? Is there advice? <br />
<br />
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. </span><br />
<br />
I sent him a reply within a day, in which I said that it was very strange for his behaviour to change like that, and that it was obviously real given that his mother had also noticed the change.<br />
<br />
It seems to me that the boyfriend has some kind of physiological or even psychiatric problem. I'm not trained in either of those professions, so perhaps the best advice would be to seek the help of someone who is. However, like a lot of people, I find it interesting to think about these kinds of issues.<br />
<br />
Based on my own experiences, the amateur psychologist in me would say that this kind of behaviour might be rooted in some feeling of inadequacy that the reader's boyfriend has. Were there any events that occurred a year and a half ago which might have made him feel that he was a failure in some way? Or what event from his distant past might suddenly have resurfaced in his consciousness to give him an inferiority complex?<br />
<br />
There's an analogy here with situations where someone feels that they might be gay, but wants hide their feelings, especially from other people. When that happens, the person often becomes become homophobic and anti-gay. Some of the best examples of this can be seen in politicians who support anti-gay policies in an attempt to *prove* their heterosexuality, which makes it all the more embarrassing for them when their gay experiences are discovered. So with the reader's boyfriend, his constant assertion of superiority could be because inside he's feeling inadequate and inferior in some way. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs.svg" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXZFutdm02RVVpMHN2aRpUF5ffXFTiUdzAwTAnfva-0CTc4mWIpfOlv7BlXu5ijgezbVuOz8c9C9nYPt-b7tQlt0cb7ncKkvJedDQk6Y3Mti8SWb_Fbaor4aVo3_TVb631yV_Z/s400/maslow.png" border="0" alt="Maslow's pyramid" width="60%" title="So where are YOU in this hierarchy?" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5633773568571597730" /></a>However, I'm not sure what the best course of action is for the reader to solve the problem. Perhaps one place to start would be for the reader to discuss this amateur psychological analysis with the boyfriend. And as part of that discussion, it would be good to point out that genuinely successful people always treat people with respect. I'm thinking here of "self-actualized" people at the top of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs" target="_blank">Maslow's hierarchy of needs</a>. <br />
<br />
Also, if the reader's boyfriend is at all religious and in particular if he follows the Catholic faith, it might be worth pointing out to him what an excellent example <a href=" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Francis" target="_blank">Pope Francis</a> is setting at the moment. I was brought up as a Christian (protestant not Catholic), and although I don't follow it anymore, I am hugely impressed by what Pope Francis has to say about most issues. His famous line "Who am I to judge?" and now his new book "The name of God is mercy" are a breath of fresh air. However, the reader's boyfriend is taking the opposite approach, because he is judging people and failing to treat them with them with dignity and respect.<br />
<br />
I think this is quite a difficult problem to solve, so if any other readers have any insights that might help, I'm sure the reader who sent me the email would appreciate it :-). GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-42517809096858227922015-12-05T15:55:00.000+00:002015-12-22T11:18:08.077+00:00Suggestions for Christmas Charity donations please<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPbFBNGXJKKN914qjmUm2YjsA3CwuCWqppNDFaeEowEKapav3FezZrBVP7p7CHnsXLCej76yxpiNhHc9gZUOYe_2Ltm3JadG0eZEAbmIE7v9nV-xaLje4E5cd9AOu7_S-sTo2/s1600-h/christmas_tree_07.jpg" target="_blank"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5143898297803447666" title="Happy Christmas :-)" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="Christmas tree" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguPbFBNGXJKKN914qjmUm2YjsA3CwuCWqppNDFaeEowEKapav3FezZrBVP7p7CHnsXLCej76yxpiNhHc9gZUOYe_2Ltm3JadG0eZEAbmIE7v9nV-xaLje4E5cd9AOu7_S-sTo2/s400/christmas_tree_07.jpg" width="45%" border="0" /></a>I can't believe that Christmas will soon be here! Looking back over the past twelve months, I feel that it's been a good year for me. My relationship with boyfriend K is going well :-), and we've been on quite a few interesting holidays together.<br />
<br />
Many years ago now, I agreed with my family that instead of buying each other Christmas presents, we should donate the money to charity instead. And to help with the process, <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/search/label/Christmas%20charity%20donations" target="_blank"> for the last 8 years I've been asking readers for suggestions regarding who do donate money to</a> . This year there's more than £1000 to give away, so as usual, please leave a comment and tell me who you think I should be giving to? The one rule is that because of the way I do my donations, I can only donate to charities that are registered with the <a href="http://charitycommission.gov.uk/" target="_blank">UK Charities Commission</a>. I'll make the final decision about who to donate to on Sunday 13th December (or shortly after), so please leave your comments before then. All suggestions welcome :-).<br />
<br />
<b>Update 22-Dec-2015: charity donation result.</b><br />
<br />
I've finally got around to making my donations for this year, about a week later than originally planned. But the good news is that I was able to give away more than I had anticipated :-).<br />
<br />
Over the years, whenever <a href="https://www.blogger.com/profile/02970490152285414561" target="_blank">Kenski</a> has left a comment on my blog, it's always been useful and insightful. So it was no surprise to me that all his charity suggestions seemed very sensible. Consequently I gave £200 to <a href="http://foodcycle.org.uk/" target="_blank">Food Cycle</a> (registered charity number 1134423), £200 to <a href="http://www.foodchain.org.uk/" target="_blank">Food Chain</a> (registered charity number 1003014), and £100 to the <a href="http://ministryofstories.org/" target="_blank">Ministry of Stories</a> (registered charity number 1138553).<br />
<br />
As I said in a comment, the video that the commenter "P" mentioned led me to a web site called <a href="http://www.givewell.org/" target="_blank">Give Well</a>. Unfortunately though, it turns out to be quite American in focus, so a lot of it's suggestions aren't registered charities in the UK. But it did suggest the <a href="https://www.againstmalaria.com/" target="_blank">Against Malaria Foundation</a> which does have charity status in the UK (registered charity number 1105319), so I gave them £500. Another commenter suggested a <a href="http://www.shelter.org.uk/" target="_blank">Shelter</a> (registered charity number 263710), which is a charity for homeless people. For many years I gave to a charity called <a href="http://www.crisis.org.uk/" target="_blank">Crisis</a> which has similar goals, but I have no reason to favour Crisis over Shelter so I gave Shelter £300.<br />
<br />
Finally, I gave some money to a couple of my old favourites. As I said last year, I come from a medical family, so I gave £500 to <a href="http://www.msf.org.uk/" target="_blank">Médecins Sans Frontières</a> (Charity number 1026588). And lastly I supported <a href="http://www.gmfa.org.uk/" target="_blank">GMFA</a> (charity number 1076854) again with a donation of £200. <br />
<br />
Anyway, a very Happy Christmas to all my readers, wherever you are. Have a good one! GB xxxGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-8698886306841777502015-11-26T16:16:00.002+00:002015-11-26T16:16:44.636+00:00Are relationships between younger and older guys normal?Yesterday the following short email arrived in my inbox:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">Dear GB,<br />
<br />
I enjoy reading your blogs and find them very insightful which is why I want to seek your advice. <br />
<br />
I wanted to know if you think younger guys dating or having sex with older guys (daddies) in the gay community is normal ?<br />
<br />
Hope to hear from you.<br />
<br />
:)</span><br />
<br />
I've thought about this a bit, and it's a bit difficult to answer, because it's hard to know what the reader means by "normal".<br />
<br />
My best guess it that quite a large majority of gay sexual <em>activities</em> occur between guys where the age difference is no more than ten years or so. A ten year age gap is too little for it to be a situation where a younger guy is having sex with a "daddy" character. Nonetheless, I also think that there is reasonable amount of contact between guys where there age difference is more than ten years.<br />
<br />
Of course, a ten year age difference means less and less as one gets older. It's quite a big gap if the younger guy is still a teenager, but much less so when the two guys are in their 40's or 50's. Perhaps a good way to define dating or relationships between younger and older guys would be to recall <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.co.uk/2009/04/n27.html" target="_blank">my rule about N/2+7</a>. The rule suggests that it's socially unacceptable for a guy aged 'N' years to have a relationship with someone who's younger than N/2+7. So the question then becomes, how "normal" is it to break that rule.<br />
<br />
I've certainly had more than a few <em>encounters</em> with guys who're more than ten years younger than me, and also a couple with guys who're more than ten years older than me. However, to me the word "daddy" conveys a particular type of personality, and suggests a situation that is very unequal in many ways. I wouldn't put myself in the "daddy" category, because situations which are too unequal don't seem very healthy to me.<br />
<br />
In terms of younger guys dating older guys, I am aware of quite a lot of relationships where the younger guy is Asian and the older guy is Caucasian. So for long term Asian/Caucasian relationships, an age difference of more than ten years does seem normal.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/the-hot-house.html" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" title="Get your pulse racing ..." alt="Hot house logo" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5r170WXGxZEG1QJHt9skgEr1TLcOu6htu1q7gIDMWrOv0Pa7ujW6JRHdhzuDtvVIJHtE7TIkhGMYrwAVtcDGLbrBaBvBW9OZbyBIQsd1qNKZylzMczoXCSNE5918Vib6M_N6f/s640/hothouse2.jpg" width="40%" /></a>However, I also recall a situation involving guys of different ages which definitely did not feel at all normal. It happened over two years ago, while I was visiting <a href="http://www.hothouse.co.za/" target="_blank">the Hot House in Cape Town</a>. Although I did <a href="http://gaybanker.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/the-hot-house.html" target="_blank">a post about my visit to the Hot House</a>, I didn't mention anything about the two guys of different ages because it because it made me feel uncomfortable. In my visit to the Hot House, as well as my Thai friend B and the guy Henrik that I mentioned, I also got talking to another guy who was quite young. Eventually he told me that he was there with his much older boyfriend. However, he also told me that his mission was to try and find guys for his boyfriend. It wasn't clear to me whether the intention was to have a threesome, or whether the older guy wanted to have sex on his own with whatever guy his younger boyfriend found for him. (I guess another possibility would have been that the older guy wanted to watch his younger boyfriend have sex with someone else!) But in any case, the situation definitely didn't seem "normal". The older boyfriend looked quite unattractive, and the young guy behaved and said things that suggested that he was completely subservient to his older boyfriend. It felt as though the two of them were in the kind of sub-dom relationship that Christian Grey was looking for with Anastasia Steele in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey" target="_blank">Fifty Shades of Grey</a>.<br />
<br />
So I think whether it's normal or not for a younger guy to have sex with an older guy depends on the context. As I said above, I think that there is a reasonable amount of contact between guys of significantly different ages. But whether it's normal or not probably depends on the context :-).<br />
<br />
Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-76190761104741883412015-10-28T13:37:00.001+00:002015-10-28T13:37:15.471+00:00Smart drugs<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1219289/" target="_blank"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:hand;" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNj-Ib_sI0GZXvkzHCCddYxzAmVgBuAtcitxxfd0rSKd7tfpsvOHFxwDHks41moeez4D4K__Z66SrXzCWjXG-RFC2sCbLrB8lbo-vUFmSDtc87E0K9p-BI7fLL1W-hbwLY8Hgq/s640/limitless.jpg" width="30%" title="If a 'smart drug' exists, it would be quite useful :-)"/></a>"Hey GB, come here :-)," shouts boyfriend K from the bath.<br />
<br />
I always enjoy looking at my boyfriend when he's wet and naked, so I climb the stairs to the bathroom to see what he wants.<br />
<br />
"Look at this," he says, pointing to his iPad, "my sister just sent this to me. Apparently it's a drug like that they had in that film <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1219289/" target="_blank">Limitless</a>!"<br />
<br />
"I don't believe such a thing exists!" I reply, sceptically.<br />
<br />
"Well, perhaps not exactly like that film, but it's some kind of brain enhancing drug :-). It's called <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modafinil" target="_blank">Modafinil</a>."<br />
<br />
"OK, let me do some google research and see what I can find out."<br />
<br />
I find <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/aug/20/narcolepsy-medication-modafinil-worlds-first-safe-smart-drug" target="_blank">a recent Guardian newspaper article</a> about the drug which is very informative. The drug promotes wakefulness, is used by narcoleptics to stop them falling asleep, and apparently doesn't have many side effects.<br />
<br />
Boyfriend K obviously does some research too, because later in the day, he comes into my study to talk to me.<br />
<br />
"I've been looking into this smart drug and it seems to be safe. Why don’t we buy some and try it?" he asks.<br />
<br />
"Maybe," I answer, still a bit sceptical, "is it possible to buy it over the counter without a prescription?"<br />
<br />
It turns out that in the UK we would need a prescription :-(. But I'm wondering whether any blog readers have tried it? If you have, please leave a comment and let us know what you think.GBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.com15