tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post4034697971829104367..comments2024-01-08T00:18:57.750+00:00Comments on Gay Banker: An e-mail from a mother about her daughter's boyfriendGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-57624497238127525412007-01-30T23:49:00.000+00:002007-01-30T23:49:00.000+00:00Gay or Bi or straight..the boyfriend sounds like a...Gay or Bi or straight..the boyfriend sounds like a looser and she may be better off!Single Guyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469633941280686095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-78966713553862560352007-01-30T14:37:00.000+00:002007-01-30T14:37:00.000+00:00Well, the boyfriend being gay would be a much easi...Well, the boyfriend being gay would be a much easier problem to solve, right? I mean, as opposed to him being generally a deadbeat type of person who seems to be happy sponging off the mother of his child and getting her to drive him around because he can't be bothered getting a licence, etc?<br /><br />He is using her daughter financially. That's pretty bad. Why does lying about his sexuality tip things over the edge? <br /><br />The bottom line is, Anne, your daughter has had a baby with this guy. That ties them together for the next 18 years, whether they stay together as a couple or not. It sounds to me like you are not happy with his actions as far as providing for them both - and believe me, I could not more sympathetic because my sister is currently in a very similar situation, only minus the gay friends. So I can tell you, *without* the 2 gay friends hanging around, this is quite a serious situation. <br /><br />You cannot kick him out of her life. You cannot stop her from making the mistakes she has made (and believe me, I would put getting pregnant by this guy right up there at the top) and you cannot go back in time and change things for the better. You unfortunately have to watch this train wreck. And it's going to hurt, because you love your daughter and you love your grandkid. <br /><br />I'd suggest you keep out of the whole sexuality issue. That is so beside the point it is not funny. And you can try to point out some of the facts of the situation to your daughter - ie - he does not support her, he should get his licence, he should be on the lease for the apartment, he should be working while you look after the kid, I can't be looking after the kid all the time, he needs to look after the kid, all of these things. But the trouble is, she's going to resent YOU for saying all that, and she's not going to get mad at him herself for these things.<br /><br />They say with any couple, one person will be angry, while the other person is not. You're angry about this situation and that is giving your daughter the get out of jail free card - she doesn't have to be angry about his actions while you are doing it for her.<br /><br />There's such a thing as a circle of control. There are things you have control over, and there are things you do not. It is pointless to focus on the things you can't control, like his sexual orientation, his lack of work ethic, his not looking after your daughter and grand child to your satisfaction, his not having a licence. You need to focus on what you can control - keeping your mouth shut when you want more than anything to say all the things about him that you want to say, so that your daughter will be able to come to those conclusions all on her own and make a choice about whether to stay with him or not - and how you can best help your daughter in this situation she has found herself in. <br /><br />Looking after your grandchild is great, and something useful you can do, but by doing that are you giving him a chance to get out of taking some of his responsibilities? Do you want him to take those responsibilities really? Or would you rather do it yourself and know the kid is fine because you're in charge. <br /><br />My number one piece of advice - do not enable your daughter and by extension this guy by helping her out with money. That is what my parents do for my sister, and it really isn't helping. <br /><br />I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I know it's no fun, because I'm part of a family where it is going on too. I spoke up and right now my sister isn't talking to me. Or I'm not talking to her, or something like that. <br /><br />But if you ever need to talk to someone who understands what you're going through, you can email me, I'm happy to listen. ;) I just wish I had a magic wand to wave. ;(Snoskredhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12670406702782244306noreply@blogger.com