tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post1354243791392839893..comments2024-01-08T00:18:57.750+00:00Comments on Gay Banker: Email from a guy with a long-term boyfriendGBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-68972379184367363662009-02-15T20:23:00.000+00:002009-02-15T20:23:00.000+00:00Thanks for all your comments guys :-)The first ano...Thanks for all your comments guys :-)<BR/><BR/>The first anonymous commenter is *probably* a guy called Michael, who left <A HREF="http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2007/06/email-from-guy-in-difficult.html?showComment=1219220700000#c4326455549584981005" REL="nofollow">this comment</A> in response to my advice to a guy with whom he was having some kind of relationship. He's left a few comments like that in the past.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps at some point I should do a post about how to go about difficult conversations. I should be able to come up with an alternative to "By the way, seeing as we don't screw each other any more, what would you say to us screwing other people?" LOL :-).<BR/><BR/>GB xxxGBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07046768019709916759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-35655120020755877172009-02-13T20:44:00.000+00:002009-02-13T20:44:00.000+00:00Reflecting on this, there is a big difference betw...Reflecting on this, there is a big difference between knowing what you need to do and actually taking any action. A good therapist will help get your thinking sorted out but you will still need to take action which is hard. Then again having a therapist will help you understand your reactions when you take the action.<BR/>In my situation, which is different but has similarities, I found being fully honest in a sensitive way (i.e. not being angry and abusive) was the best approach. The reality is that it made my thinking clearer and also helped my partner. <BR/>Hope this works out.<BR/>Rob, SydneyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-27166164689181127702009-02-13T13:23:00.000+00:002009-02-13T13:23:00.000+00:00Anonymous - that was constructive. Have you actual...Anonymous - that was constructive. Have you actually read anything here? <BR/><BR/>I find the original post to be very close to home. I've been in a relationship for years now and my story reads almost the same (except for the masseur part). I like to think that I can have the best of both worlds - a husband and an open relationship, but I don't know how that could work.<BR/><BR/>First of all, if you don't talk abou this sort of thing much, how do you start? Do you wait until one of you gets caught doing something bad? Then it'd be an emotional reaction to a crappy situation. <BR/><BR/>Do you bring it up out of the blue? "By the way, seeing as we don't screw each other any more, what would you say to us screwing other people?" Hmmm...<BR/><BR/>Even if you do end up miraculously agreeing, how would the practicalities of it work - especially if your lives are so intertwined? <BR/><BR/>I've spent years worrying about this and years keep flying by. My biggest fear is not knowing how much I'm going to regret not having done something about this earlier. <BR/><BR/>I guess I'll just have to be another one keeping up the status quo...<BR/><BR/>And another thing, Anonymous, how do you know if they're all going to be fired? Perhaps you mean "made redundant"? I think you'll find that many readers don't work in finance. <BR/><BR/>What sage words of wisdom can you offer? Or does Mum not let you have boyfriends?<BR/><BR/>A, LondonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-71911780865357586242009-02-12T16:31:00.000+00:002009-02-12T16:31:00.000+00:00HEY!I'm not a whore!...but if you've got £50 I'm l...HEY!<BR/><BR/><I>I'm</I> not a whore!<BR/><BR/>...but if you've got £50 I'm listening...Ken Skinnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02970490152285414561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-52378941182884181312009-02-12T15:38:00.000+00:002009-02-12T15:38:00.000+00:00If you want a real advice run the fatest you can f...If you want a real advice run the fatest you can from this blog..they give such bad advices from a bunch of whores I think it's a bit hypocritical...anyway they are all gonna be fired soon so who cares reallyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-8022358689964354922009-02-12T13:58:00.000+00:002009-02-12T13:58:00.000+00:00PS What exactly does an erotic masseur do for you?...PS What exactly does an erotic masseur do for you? I'm just curious!!!! I know it's probably 'the obvious' thing I'm thinking, but I was wondering whether there was more to it or is that slipping into 'escort' territory!Ken Skinnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02970490152285414561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-76662557069283082482009-02-12T11:33:00.000+00:002009-02-12T11:33:00.000+00:00Ouch.I have a real issue with honesty and trust in...Ouch.<BR/><BR/>I have a real issue with honesty and trust in relationships. Once you've been burned once it's hard not to have a strong emotional reaction. <BR/><BR/>I had a boyfriend that I was with for two years who, when we broke up, had been sleeping around for, oh, two years, despite him <I>insisting</I> on us having a monogamous relationship. Ironically, he was terrified of catching HIV and I guess he figured that he could halve the risk if only one of us was sleeping around.<BR/><BR/>He was a lazy sod and 'preferred' not to work if he didn't have to, so mostly he was 'at home' during the daytime.<BR/><BR/>After the first year I recognised that the relationship wasn't working on the intimate level as we'd simply stopped having sex. It wasn't by my choice!<BR/><BR/>Each night, he'd simply go straight to sleep without even touching me. I was left having to 'take care of business' whilst he lay snoring next to me. At times I'd even have to jack off in the office toilets at lunchtime (which, trust me, was noooot a turn on!).<BR/><BR/>I tried to suggest that if he no longer found me attractive for whatever reason that maybe we should try going to saunas etc to shake things up a little. He said no. Sex with someone else 'didn't interest him'. I figured that I was going to be stuck in a sexless relationship. At the time I was dumb enough to believe that this was an acceptable compromise.<BR/><BR/>There are some compromises that you have to make in relationships. Sex is a basic human need and does bond people together. It's nature. You really can't afford to compromise that aspect of your life.<BR/><BR/>It was only one morning when I woke up, went to check my email and accidentally started mistyping my username that the new Windows autocomplete function dealt a fatal blow to the relationship. It logged me straight into one of the many email accounts he'd set up for lining up outside tricks. <BR/><BR/>At the time I was truly devastated. I must confess that I'd pretty much stopped being in love with him and there was definitely nothing going on physically so the hurt was tempered by it being a convenient 'moral' excuse for breaking up with him. Honestly, I wish I'd had the balls to do it sooner, but I guess I had learned from my parents that you simply had to make any sacrifice necessary for a relationship.<BR/><BR/>Wrong!<BR/><BR/>So, that was a long winded way of saying... Ouch! I cannot imagine the strength of character you must have to continue a relationship after that level of dishonesty.<BR/><BR/>It's funny. I find it easy enough to calmly rationalise the other person's perspective and how secrecy may have seemed the only option to him... but being on the receiving end must have been one hell of a shock.<BR/><BR/>I have my own opinion on what you should do based on my history, but I wouldn't dare to suggest that it'd be the right course of action for everyone. I broke up with that boyfriend and shortly went on to meet my husband, the love of my life. Our relationship is so completely different. We're still hot for each other after 8 years, if anything <I>more</I> so than when we first met. Over the years our sex life has had ups and downs, but it's always ended up... up! We're also painfully honest with each other. I have total faith that if he wanted to sleep with someone else that he'd tell me. Same goes for me. Our relationship is too precious to us to be dishonest with each other.<BR/><BR/>The only thing I'd say is that while it's PC to say that this decision should be made together, at this point I think you need to recognise that it's about <I>you</I>. Your partner seems happy to continue along this path, even though it clearly doesn't work for you. If it did then you wouldn't still be struggling with it. You need to figure out what you want to do and then live with that decision. <BR/><BR/>To that end I heartily endorse talking it through (by yourself) with a counsellor. Get everything straight in your head so that you know that whatever decision you make, it's one you can live with.<BR/><BR/>I think you already know what you want to do, though, that you just need someone else to say it's okay.<BR/><BR/>The other thing I would say is that if you do try and find some way to make it work with your boyfriend then you guys need to find a way to communicate really well. If you have this stuff going through your head then he needs to hear it otherwise you won't get his perspective. That's the bitch about relationships, there are always 2 people who have their own thoughts, needs and wants. If you don't openly discuss them then they're going to end up trampled on.<BR/><BR/>Ouch. <BR/><BR/>And yes, all the above is just my opinion based on not-that-much information and a lot of projection! Feel free to disregard!Ken Skinnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02970490152285414561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-22957304555104667732009-02-12T10:44:00.000+00:002009-02-12T10:44:00.000+00:00Although I am young and never been in a relationsh...Although I am young and never been in a relationship before, I read a lot and I watch a lot TV series.I think this kind of thing happens not only in homosexual relationships but also in heterosexual ones. It is so easy to get tired with just one person. Last year I watched a TV series - SwingTown. One of the couples married at an early age, and when their oldest child is at the age of high school, they kind of get bored with each other. Being affected by their new neighbors, they begins to try open marriage. And things do get better at first. Instead of cheating behind, maybe you two can do it aboveboard. No hiding and tell each other everything and of course you need make some rules.<BR/><BR/>But I am Asian and protestant, I cannot accept open relationships myself. I think if the relationship is really worth saving and you have faith on that person, why not try "dating"? Go and see a movie after work for instance. Try new sexy underwear, go on a trip to some remote places together, to name some. Use the great opportunity of the coming valentine's day!<BR/><BR/>Hope I have made some point.Kissakihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09365057616927915542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10667700.post-6153653052346965122009-02-12T10:20:00.000+00:002009-02-12T10:20:00.000+00:00It is hard to imagine that the relationship, as it...It is hard to imagine that the relationship, as it is now, can be saved. <BR/><BR/>It would be a good idea to start by recognizing the facts at hand: monogamy does not work for at least one of the partners. It never has and it never will. <BR/><BR/>The available options are rather limited: you can establish an open relationship, treasure your friendship and companionship as well as many years of being together. You will have to recognize that men do NOT necessarily equate sex with love and that getting your rocks off with many guys, indeed, can be fun. Free yourself from a concept that has NOT worked for you. Hoping that sexual attraction between the two can be restored after all that has happened, and after we all understand that at least one of the partners is inherently promiscuous and possibly needs always a novelty to get him going, is rather an illusion. <BR/><BR/>The second option would be to part ways and take the risky, if a bit of a 'high road' and recognize the fact that for one partner, sex without strong emotional ties does not mean fulfillment. <BR/><BR/>What would I do? <BR/><BR/>I would convert my relationship into a good, solid friendship and companionship. I would state very clearly that things may go one way or the other, and that life does not issue any guarantees to anyone. <BR/><BR/>I would go on enjoying both my 'old' friendship and making the new ones. Only once I am positive that I still want to part my ways with my old partner, would I do so. <BR/><BR/>Base your future upon an open dialogue and the idea that no one owns anyone here. Arrangements, such as they may be are always open for discussion and possible termination. <BR/><BR/>Nothing can ever be taken for granted. <BR/><BR/>SCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com