Sunday, January 05, 2014

Email from a reader who's not sure about his sexuality

Just before the New Year, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB

Just came across your blog and thought you might be of help? :)

I'm 27 and British Indian (if such a thing exists LOL). Born and raised in London. Anyways, since I can remember I've been attracted to boys, not till I was in late High School that I started thinking I'm gay! Still today I've not told a single person nor has anyone guessed. There have been moments where I thought I could be bi or even straight?! Have never met anyone (guy or girl) who I felt was the one ;( ! I even used a few dating sites and met up with a couple girls but nothing. No spark between us.

Currently I feed my feeling with good old porn and hand jobs ;) (daily). But can't help ogling guys in public, at work, on TV and weirdly some cousins! But some part of me thinks having the perfect girlfriend would make me feel just as good? Expect sexually? I think? I do use Grindr but again no one who sticks ;(. In case I haven't been clear I'm a virgin, sad I know LOL.

Anyways I feel I'm getting older and will never find someone (guy or girl). You may be thinking I should "come out" but as you may know it's tough and not willing to break my close family over.

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

I certainly don't think that this reader should "come out" because his sexuality is very unclear. I also wouldn't say that it's "sad" that the reader is still a virgin. I think it would be sad if he forced himself into intimate situations with another guy if he doesn't feel comfortable with that, in the same way that it would be sad if he forced himself to marry a woman as a result of social pressure to be straight.

It's interesting that the reader says that he's attracted to other guys, whereas he doesn't say that he's also attracted to girls. There's nothing wrong with that of course, because some guys aren't attracted to girls and fancy guys instead :-). It's also interesting that he says that he's met up with a couple of girls, whereas he hasn't said that he's met up with any guys. So it seems that he's forcing himself to try and be straight, because he says he fancies guys but he tries meeting up with girls.

My guess is that the reader has some mental barrier which is preventing him from exploring whether he really does want a relationship with another guy. To help him break down the barrier, I think the next step is to actually meet a guy face to face. To find guys to meet he could use Grindr or any other gay dating apps or web sites. Just because the reader meets up with a guy from Grindr, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's gay. Initially I'd suggest that he just finds guys to chat to and takes it from there. It's true that Grindr is oriented towards helping guys hook-up for sex, but as long as the reader is clear about what he's looking for then it should be OK. Perhaps his profile should say something like "bi-curious, looking to meet for a chat" or something like that.

One good thing is that this reader lives in London, because in general London is a very tolerant city so it's a good place to experiment with one's sexuality :-). It may well turn out that this reader is like the married guy with some gay characteristics and that marrying a woman will suit him best. However, until he explores his attraction to men a bit more, then he's not going to know what's right for him.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this reader's email?

Update 6-Jan-2014: The day after I posted this reader's first email, he saw my response and sent me another email which was as follows:

I read your response and greatly thank you for it! You've really shed some light on my 'situation'. Some good advice and perspective on where I am. Thank you.

To expand/add some points...
  1. Regarding girls, it's right I'm not physically attracted to them but now think it's more mental / yin yang attraction? Like all gay stereotypes, girl parts put me off lol. Even if they are super hot I'd look and appreciate it but can never get sexually aroused? It's been like this since I can remember?
  2. Having a intimate situation with another guy doesn't feel right because I feel it needs to be someone I know or can trust. Plus I don't like lying to family and this would be the ultimate sin? But I do agree that marrying a woman for me is partly social pressure. Maybe what I need is a bi girl? Lol.
  3. I do use Grindr and have tried other apps/sites with little luck :(. I can't seem to find a guy who really wants to get to know me / understand me etc. Saying that, I have chatted to one guy for sometime now and had some cam wanks lol ;). He seems cool, but again there's no commitment? He never responds or does after weeks?! Never wants to go deeper than sexual. Anyways I am still looking, but like you said, it's mainly for guys looking for quick sex ;(. I'm hoping I'll see someone I know from school/college/Uni which would be great!
Thanks again.

His 1st and 2nd points suggest to me that he does need to explore his attraction to other guys. If he can't get sexually aroused with girls then I think it would be a mistake to try and have a relationship with a girl because it wouldn't be fair on her, even if she is bi. Also, thinking about a bi girl is avoiding the issue, namely that the reader is attracted to men!

I don't think being intimate with another guy would mean that he's lying to his family. I think trying to pretend that he's happy in a relationship with a girl is far more like lying, because that would be visible. If he's intimate with another guy, then if he's careful, no one in his family will find out. Also, for a single guy like the reader, I don't see understand why intimacy with anyone is a sin.

I've said it many times before but when dating, which includes using apps/sites to find a date in the first place, confidence is the the most important attribute. I can't help thinking that he's finding it hard to find what he wants because he's not confident enough. Perhaps in addition to using the apps he should visit some gay bars in e.g. Old Compton Street, even if he doesn't talk to anyone. The purpose of doing that would be to gain a bit of confidence that there's nothing wrong with gay people. Although a lot of guys on Grindr are just there for the sex, there's no doubt in my mind that there are other guys there who're looking for the same thing as this reader.

Anyway, other people's thoughts are still welcome :-).