Email from a guy who lives in Asia

When I was a regular blogger, I often got emails from readers asking for advice on a range of issues. I'd send them a brief email in reply, and then I would reply publically in a blog post with my thoughts along with their original email. Other readers could then leave their own ideas too in the comment section. Sometimes I'd make a few minor edits to the email, for example, however the actual email begins, when I post it on this blog it always begins "Dear GB".

I’m still happy to try and answer these kinds of emails, and when I checked my GB email account a couple of weeks ago, the following was waiting for me:

Dear GB,

I have just recently discovered your blog and I love it. I hope you are still answering questions and would love to hear from you.

Anyway, I am a 33 year old guy living in an Asian country (I won't say which country it is) where being gay is illegal and frowned upon. It's not such an extreme country, there are still gay clubs & bars despite being illegal but you don't want to hold hands in public with your boyfriend if u don't want to get beaten up.

Anyway I find it really hard to find any men to date these days. I don't go to clubs because I used to go when I was young and some bad stuff happened that makes me never want to go again. I also can't ask my friends to match make because I can't tell my friends I'm gay. The only way to date is through the app, and we all know 99% of them are not looking to date. They only need a quick fuck.

Recently also my dad has tried to match make me into marrying a girl. He doesn't know that I am gay. I can tell him and I know he & my mom would still love me but I know deep down inside they will be crying a river and I don't have the heart to do that. Since I'm 33 they have been asking me about getting married more & more and it's stressing me. I feel like I want to leave this country for good but I don't think I am qualified enough to get a professional job in other countries. I can work as an immigrant but then it would be a huge step backward career wise.

When I was younger, slimmer & beautiful it was so easy to get a boyfriend on dating apps. I am not fat but I am a bit chubby and I am no longer a twink and losing weight is extremely hard at this age. I have to starve myself and workout every day and I barely lose any weight. Being a bottom like me, there is not much market for you if you are no longer in your 20s and you are neither muscular or twink-ish. At least that is how it is from where I came from.

I feel stuck in my situation. I don't want to grow old alone or having forced to marry a woman and living a lie. However I might have to choose between those 2 options if nothing changes. 😔.

Sincerely,
Lonely guy

It had been about 2 weeks since he sent the email, so as soon as I'd read it I replied immediately:

Dear Lonely Guy,

I just got your email, because I only check my GB inbox rarely these days. Sorry to hear about your situation. Whatever country you're in, without doubt you're not the only gay guy there who has these kind of problems. Let me think a bit, and then I'll do a post for you on my old blog, without revealing you email address of course.

Do you have any more information you'd like to share at this stage? In any case, for now, just remember that you are not alone 🙂.

GB xxx

We ended up exchanging quite a few emails, and apart from his dating problem, he told me about some other difficulties that he's having at the moment.

Looking back through my old blog posts, I've said it so many times, but confidence is the key to success in so many areas of life. Confidence is mental strength, the certain knowledge that whatever happens in life one can deal with it, and the inner calm that accompanies that knowledge. When I read his first email I felt that perhaps he lacked confidence, so at one point during our email conversation I wrote:

Maybe you should try and build a bit more confidence somehow. Do you have any ideas about how you might do that?

Getting people to solve their own problems always works much better than telling them what the solution might be. But he answered:

Hmmm. I am not sure but I don't think I have a severe self-confidence issue to be honest. I think I am decently confident. I think it was more of a sad & depressed tone that u got from the first email as I am kinda lonely these days.

Sometimes in life, things can spiral downward out of control. A couple of bad things happening at the same time can put a person in a bad frame of mind, and then because of the way they're feeling they underperform in other areas too causing more bad things to happen, and so things continue like that going from bad to worse to even worser! That may have happened with this guy, and then with no family, friends or boyfriend to support him, he ends up sending me his first email with the sad and depressed tone.

Nonetheless, because confidence is so important, it is worth making a suggestion for how other readers might improve their confidence. GB suggests taking baby steps to improve one's confidence, and to start by picking tasks that are very easily achievable. For example, if you're often arriving at work a couple of minutes late, can you set your alarm clock to get up just five minutes earlier and then actually get up when the alarm clock goes off for a whole week and get into work on time? Oh, you can, well done, you can achieve stuff, what's the next task to focus on? Even achieving simple tasks boosts confidence. Of course, that task is just an example, each person needs to pick simple tasks that are appropriate for them.

One thing that the reader says in his first email is that when he was younger, slimmer and beautiful it was easy to get a boyfriend. I have a lot to say to that.

• Firstly, young, slim and beautiful are not the attributes that make long term relationships successful. What about personality, stability, generosity, compassion, wisdom, and an ability to compromise so that it's possible to get through the arguments that all couples inevitably have? Younger guys are generally not as stable or as wise as older guys, but for long term relationships those attributes are more important than beauty and waist size.


• The beauty implied by the phrase "young and beautiful" is only skin deep. Maybe young and beautiful guys make a quick fuck more enjoyable, but that kind of beauty fades over time, as does youth. Is the reader is looking for young, slim and beautiful guys online? If so, he's not focussing on what's important in a boyfriend.


• One can't make oneself younger, but not being as slim as one would like is a solvable problem. Admittedly it takes more effort to be slim as one gets older, but I still try to avoid being too fat even though I’m much (much!) older than this reader. Avoiding obesity is also important for health reasons. Excess weight puts more strain on one's heart, more stain on one's knees, and over time that leads to other health problems. Furthermore, if being chubby saps one's confidence when looking for a boyfriend, that’s another important reason to lose weight. GB again recommends taking baby steps rather than trying to follow the latest fad diet. Eat slightly better each week, and do slightly more exercise each week so that over time it gradually becomes a lifestyle habit.


• I've always agreed with the notion that one can't get someone else to love you until you love yourself, and it feels as though the reader doesn't love himself because he sees himself as not young, slim and beautiful anymore. But there are many forms of beauty. GB would say that a confident person has a beauty that's much more important than the kind of beauty that's only skin deep.

As I said above, the reader told me about some other difficulties that he was having, so at one point I wrote:

With all that's going on in your life, maybe now isn't the best time to look for a boyfriend. But sex can relieve stress, so for now, maybe you should join the 99% of the guys on the gay dating apps who are looking for "Mr Right Now" instead of "Mr Right" 🙂. Is that a good idea?

But he didn't seem to like that idea:

Oh. See I'm such a complicated person haha. Hooking up used to be fine when I was younger but now I don't like it anymore. Don't want to even see any naked picture unless it's my boyfriend. I don't know, every time I hooked up, right after that I feel so cheap. You are right though. Maybe I should sort things out for myself first but it would be lovely to have a bf so that I could feel less lonely.

However, since the reader doesn't have a boyfriend, and since the reader wants a boyfriend, I would suggest that he approach any hook up as the first meeting with a guy who might become his boyfriend. Why feel cheap after a hook-up when one was meeting up with the most honourable of intentions 👍? 15 years ago I did a blog post with the title The gaydar advantage, and it's very relevant here. That post was written before grindr existed, but I guess if I was writing it today I'd call it "The grindr advantage" 😂. The advantage is real and relates to The pure thoughts of an uncluttered male mind, so those old posts are well worth a read.

Meeting up in bars or club is another way to meet potential boyfriends, but the reader says that he doesn't go to clubs some bad stuff happened when he was young. I haven't asked him what happened, but that attitude reminds me of the old cartoons where Wile E. Coyote is trying to catch the Road Runner. Wile E. Coyote had many ingenious schemes which almost always fail, but even when I was watching these as a boy I wondered why he never tried to repeat any of the schemes which had only failed in a very unlikely way 😆. So maybe there are different clubs or places where he could go to meet potential boyfriends, and if so, don't be like Wile E. Coyote. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, so learn from the past experience and give it another go!

I also wonder about the situation with his friends and his parents. He says that he doesn't want to be forced to marry a woman and live a lie, but living a lie is what he's doing with all of them at the moment. If he can come out to any or all of them at some point and eventually get their support, then that would help him build his confidence. But this is a "chicken or egg" situation, which comes first? To come out and tell someone that one is gay one has to feel confident that one can handle whatever the reaction is, and even though he describes himself as "decently confident", it seems to me that the reader isn't in the right frame of mind yet. So for now, I don’t think he should tell anyone, but I do think it should be a medium term aim to tell both family and close friends. My experience is that parents eventually accept the situation if they can see that it’s true and that it makes their son or daughter happy. In my case, my relationship with my family improved a lot after I came out to them, because before I came out I was quite distant from everyone.

Anyway, I've written enough. If any other readers see this post and have any relevant thoughts, please leave a comment. 🙏

Email from a reader who's single again

How many times a year, does a blogger need to blog so that they can call themselves a blogger? I still like to think of myself as a blogger, but at present I'm only managing one or two a year, which probably isn't enough!

In any case, last month I got a "Dear GB" email from a reader who had emailed me three times previously. The new email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I hope you're well. How's retirement? And boyfriend K?

I can't believe it has been 9 years since my first email to you (here) and a couple of years since the subsequent ones (here and here). I recently saw you post a reply to an email and figured I'd share this on the off chance that you might see it and respond.

Interestingly, a couple of months after my last email to you (in 2014), I got into a relationship that would last 5 years. We broke up late last year and I've found myself dating again. Much of the behaviour that I mentioned to you in 2014 (i.e. pushing people away, finding faults in them, and mistrust) is re-appearing. Notably, during the 5 year relationship, my ex mentioned multiple times that he felt as if he was a placeholder and I was always looking for someone better.

What I've learnt since then (which was the focus 2014 email) is that I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. I've traced it to childhood experiences, moving around often and being raised by a single parent (who was often travelling for work) which resulted in me taking care of myself and avoiding close emotional attachments. Toxic masculinity and being a bookish misfit may have contributed to repressing my emotional needs. It goes without saying that I should be seeing a therapist (which I'll likely do once the pandemic is over).

Anyway, 6 years since we last spoke and newly single, I'm curious about the following (considering your vast experience with long-term committed relationships and as an agony uncle for gay men):

1. What made you decide that Boyfriend K was the one? How have you stuck by that belief?;
2. What do you look for in a long term partner? Were those expectations ever fully met?;
3. Any tips pertaining to my situation? :)

It may be noteworthy that I currently live in a country that criminalizes homosexuality (and has no anti-discrimination provisions), which means that most men are seeking instant gratification and see relationships as liabilities. Then there's the prevalence of transactional relationships in both gay and straight dating scenes, which does nothing to ease my mistrust. I've considered moving to a more liberal environment. However, part of me wonders whether that's a form of self-sabotage in itself (by chasing an arguably less attainable goal that simply finding someone nice where I am; plus I've spent years in the gay scenes of European cities while I was studying, it's not particularly easy to get into a relationship there either).

Your advice is (as always) very much appreciated. Regards.

It's always nice to get emails like this, and looking at the email in detail, the reader asks a lot of questions. The first question he asks is "How's retirement?". My blog post two years ago said that I was happily retired from banking, however I'm still not retired from work in general. Otherwise I'd probably find time to blog more! In any case, without doubt, life after banking is good :-).

The second question that the reader asks is "And boyfriend K?". I'm happy to report that we're still together after almost 7 years :-). So the answer to that question is "Still wonderful :-)".

The other questions that the reader asks are a bit more serious. He asks "What made you decide that Boyfriend K was the one?", "How have you stuck by that belief?", "What do you look for in a long term partner?" and "Were those expectations ever fully met?". However, I think those questions imply an inappropriate selfishness, because the questions are all about whether the needs of the questioner are fulfilled or not. I think good long term relationships happen when a couple work well together, compensating for each other's weaknesses as well as fulfilling each other's needs. I don't have a set of criteria against which I evaluated potential boyfriends, or against which I now evaluate boyfriend K.

I really hate the expression "follow your heart" because it's so glib, but perhaps it does describe the way I ended up with all of my boyfriends. More concretely, I think what I was always looking for was mutual empathy, but I never sat back and thought about it in those terms. When I meet any guy for the first time, after a short while I usually know whether we're on the same wavelength or not. If so, I'd wonder whether we can become friends, and when I was single I'd also wonder whether we might become boyfriends. Of course, after just one meeting I'd never know whether a relationship could possibly work. But if I felt we were on the same wavelength then it would be worth trying getting to know them better, and trying to work out how they felt about me. Ultimately one never knows whether a relationship will work until one tries. However, I'm the sort of guy who likes having a boyfriend, so I'd always like to give it a try instead of overthinking it.

I won't pretend that I never quarrel with boyfriend K because sometimes we do. However, when we've resolved the situation after a big disagreement, I usually look back and feel that the final outcome is better that what would have happened to either of us on our own. In most situations, two heads are better than one.

After a big quarrel with boyfriend K last year, I remember him asking me why I wanted to stay with him. My answer was that whoever my boyfriend is, we're bound to quarrel from time to time. When there are so many good things in a relationship, it's pointless ending the relationship just because there are occasional bad things. A different boyfriend would just mean that the occasional bad things would be different. It's important to accept that none of us are perfect, and that perfect boyfriends don't exist.

Regarding the reader's situation, I was curious about his comment that he lives in a country that criminalizes homosexuality, so I sent him an email to ask him which country he lives in. Eventually the reader replied, and it turns out that a gay male friend of mine married a man from that country and the two of them now live in Europe. They were married in Europe too, and without thinking about it, some of their friends who were at the wedding posted some wedding photographs on Facebook. Those photographs were then accidentally seen by some of the man's friends back in his home country, and the photographs attracted a huge amount of homophobic abuse :-( . So I am tempted to suggest that, if at all possible, the reader should try and move to a different country where homosexuality is legal and tolerated. I find myself wondering, how many happy gay couples does the reader know who live in the country? If the answer is very few, and if the reader wants a long term boyfriend or husband, it suggests to me that he won't find one in the country where he's living at the moment.

Apart from that, based on my own approach to relationships, I would just suggest one thing. When he's interested in a guy as a potential boyfriend, he shouldn't just think about himself. Try thinking about what would make the other guy happy as well :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts about this reader's situation?

Email from a guy who doesn't have sex with his boyfriend anymore

I've only written two posts for this blog since 2016, so imagine my surprise last week when I get an email from a reader. The email is as follows:

Dear GB,

First I must confess I love reading your blog! ;) I'm a fan! I always wanted to know how you look like ... hahaha.

OK, so basically I would like to seek some advice from you on matters related to the heart. I'm a gay male living in Hong Kong. I have been with my boyfriend for many years now, maybe 20 years +.

We stopped having sex for many years now. I'm not sure why but somehow it just didn’t happen. And we didn't talk about it too.

I can't resist the temptation when guys come up to me, like in gym etc. Nothing much, just touching etc. I feel bad, but I don’t have any intimacy with my boyfriend anymore, and I have needs also.

I know this is a bad excuse but what can I do? Do you have any advice for me? Thank you!

Hear from you soon. Regards

As soon as I see the email, I send a reply to say that I will do a post for him. Within a day I get a response in which he admits that he wasn't expecting me to reply. Smart guy, because let's face it, these days my blog looks pretty dead!

In some ways his story is very familiar because it's hard for all couples, gay or straight, to keep the passion going forever. However, not having blogged for the last few years, I'm not sure whether I've answered exactly the same question before so I decide to look through my Dear GB "back catalogue". There are, of course, a few stories with some similar characteristics.

For example, I find the Email from a guy with a long-term boyfriend. In that case, the reader who sent me the email had also been having much less sex with his boyfriend, but then he suddenly found out that his boyfriend had been having lots of sex with other men. The email was sent 6 years after that discovery, when the reader had started seeing an erotic masseur regularly.

I also find the Email from a gay guy with long-term relationship issues. In that case, the reader who sent me the email had stopped having sex with his boyfriend many years before he emailed me, because the boyfriend had rejected the reader's physical advances. The email asks whether he should finally move on, after having being together for 25 years.

There are also a couple of emails from guys who found the sex lives with their boyfriends declining after only 6-7 years. There is an Email from a gay American guy with relationship problems and then just 3 weeks after I posted that there was another Email from a gay guy with relationship issues.

However, perhaps the closest and most relevant email in my Dear GB "back catalogue" is the one titled Difficult conversations from ten years ago. That post contains an email from a reader who had been with his boyfriend for almost 10 years, and it had got to the point where they only had sex maybe once a month, even though the reader says that his boyfriend used to have a crazy sex drive.

In any relationship, it's quite common for one person to be more dominant than the other, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's research that suggests that straight marriages are more stable when one spouse is more dominant, and I would suggest that a stable relationships means more long term happiness for both of the people involved. The reason that I mention this is because when I read the reader's email carefully, it seems likely to me that his boyfriend is more dominant in their relationship than he is. The reader says that the current situation just happened. However, it seems more likely to me that his boyfriend, as the more dominant person, started finding satisfaction elsewhere and consequently lost interest in having sex with the reader. By no means is this meant to be a criticism of the reader, who has managed something that has so far eluded me, namely a 20+ year gay relationship that will hopefully last many many more years. But the reader said that he has needs and the same will be true of his boyfriend because all healthy men need to ejaculate regularly, so what does he think has been going on?

The question is what to do about the situation, if anything. The reader's needs won't go away, so if he agrees that his boyfriend must have been finding satisfaction elsewhere then one thing he could try and do immediately is to stop feeling guilty about doing the same :-). However, unless they find a way to start talking about the situation then there'll still be an elephant in the room, which is presumably why the reader emailed me in the first place.

So I do think that the reader should try and talk to his boyfriend about the situation, and there are some useful tips in my Difficult conversations post. However, before the reader tried to broach the subject he should think carefully about what might be in his boyfriend's mind, and what all the possible responses might be. I have no idea what relevant discussions they might have had over the years, whether there's anything suspicions about the boyfriend's behaviour that might suggest he's been getting satisfaction elsewhere, whether they've ever discussed having an open relationship etc.

It's been almost 3 years since I last did a Dear GB post, and my old readers probably don't check my blog anymore. However, if anyone does read this, please leave a comment if you have any suggestions for the reader who sent me this email :-).

Bi-fidelity: email from a guy who's hiding something from his wife

At the end of last month, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I enjoy your writing and powers of analysis and thought it would be therapeutic to write for your comments and comments from your readers.

I've been happily married to my wife for over 30 years. We have children. We have enjoyable sex, although I now need the help of Viagra. Only in the last few years, I've come to enjoy gay male internet porn. I have indulged in mild activities, as you call them, in the sauna at my gym. I've even made a few forays to a bathhouse, where I've topped a few men with gusto. Terrified of STDs, I've never given or received oral sex, because it seems this just isn't done with condoms. Nor have I bottomed for anyone. But I find myself craving these experiences, toying with hookups but always canceling them, and posing on some gay social chat sites as quite the virtual rake.

I don't have the nerve to confess these bi cravings and escapades to my wife. The last thing I want is to lose my marriage and hurt my family by letting this side of me further out of the closet. I just wish I could have it both ways, like an old fashioned Parisian gent, married, but with tacit permission to see (not mistresses or prostitutes) but hunky studs for a good time now and then. Do I just forbear until my sex drive wanes altogether? Indulge in down low forays? Gamble on total honesty? What's a bi guy to do?

It was a couple of days before I saw the email, but as soon as I saw it I sent him a quick reply to say that I thought there were quite a few guys like him around. I also asked him if there was anything that he wanted to add, and within a day he'd sent me a two line email in which he simply said:

I do find the diet of monogamous sex hard to adhere to. But is loosening my self restraint wise, when, all things considered, I have so much to lose?

Initially this reader's story reminded me about the married guy with some gay characteristics who emailed me three years ago. However, although this reader and that guy have both had happy marriages, the reader is going in the opposite direction to the guy from three years ago. So perhaps they don't have much in common after all.

I've been thinking about this guy's situation for a while now, and the thing that I find hard to gauge is the relative strength of his heterosexuality vs his homosexuality. It seems to be that his homosexual side must be at least as strong as his heterosexual side, otherwise I doubt that he'd have felt the need to email me. If his heterosexuality:homosexuality ratio is 50%:50% then he can probably just indulge in occasional clandestine activities with other guys on the side. But if it's more like 5%:95%, or moving to be that way over time, then I'm not sure that strategy would work.

One thing that might tell the guy about the relative strength of his heterosexuality versus his homosexuality is the Viagra that he uses. Does he need Viagra to get an erection when he's watching gay porn or when actually meeting another guy? If the excitement of gay encounters is significantly greater than the excitement of sex with his wife, then perhaps he doesn't need Viagra for gay activities, which would suggest that this homosexuality is a lot stronger than his heterosexuality at the moment. Even it that's true it might still just be a phase that he's going through, like it was for the married guy who emailed me three years ago.

Depending on how much time he spends pursuing his hidden gay life, it's possible that his wife already suspects that something isn't quite right. Over time if he continues to have a lot of secret gay encounters, it way well have a corrosive effect on his relationship anyway, because it's almost impossible to hide absolutely all aspects of this kind of thing. So it could be a mistake to think that the current situation can continue forever.

In this situation a big concern is the reader's wife. A terrible outcome would be if the reader were to contract an STD and pass it on to her. Nonetheless it sounds like his fear of STDs is overdone, because condoms should protect against the worst ones, in particular HIV. Also, I've never heard of anyone catching anything nasty from receiving oral sex.

The only guy that I have activities with at the moment is my boyfriend, but when I used to meet other guys, I always used to ask them if they had any STDs as well as taking all possible precautions such as using condoms. Of course it's true that guys can lie, but a lot of people are honest so asking the question does reduce risk. I never proceeded to do anything with someone when I didn't get a convincing answer about STDs, and I would encourage the reader to pursue a similar strategy.

In all walks of life, new experiences are more exciting than well known ones. Perhaps the most important question for the reader is whether he still enjoys repeating the gay activities that he's already had, or whether it's just the possibility of new experiences that excite him. If it's mostly the new experiences then once he's done everything once, perhaps his need for gay activities will subside. Another thought is the fact that these activites are conducted in secret also makes them more exciting.

In any case, the reader's email suggests an irresitible urge to try the things that he hasn't done yet. It seems to me that he should at least find a way to try bottoming with a condom, and to receive oral sex, before making any decision about being more honest with his family.

It's impossible to give the reader any firm advice because there are so many things to consider, and so many things that are unknown. Nonetheless, I've tried to say some useful things, which will hopefully give the reader some things to think about. Do any other readers have anything to add?

Email from a reader about sexually transmitted diseases

A few days ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've accidentally found your blog and really like the way your mind works. Thank you for the effort you put to blogging and the juicy stories you shared. It becomes my habit to read several posts of your blog every morning :)

Recently I bumped into a problem and would be great if you can give me some advice.

I had a cruising life like you used to, but unfortunately one month ago I got some genital warts in anal. During the treatment, I've been thinking how to avoid this in the future. Perhaps no more top btm thing in sex, but only kissing, hand-job? (Even BJ is risky)

In one of the posts you said you only do anal with "boyfriends", which indicates that you probably avoid this with a random cruising partner.

Can you suggest what kind activities you usually do with the guys met on apps or internet?

Thanks for the help and looking forward to your reply

Have a lovely day,
Your loyal reader

Reading the email made me wonder about anal warts and how they're passed on. In particular, I was wondering whether condoms provide any protection from the infection. Searching the internet, I found a page on the UK's Family Planning Association web site which says that although the virus that causes the warts will not pass through a condom, it can be passed on by skin to skin contact. That means that it is possible get the infection even if a condom is worn, because condoms only cover the shaft of a guy's penis so there's still a lot of other skin that will come into contact with his sex partner.

But of course, the problem isn't just anal warts. There are a large number of sexually transmitted diseases, and ideally one wants to avoid all of them. Unfortunately the only way to do that is to stick with a partner who's clean and who you trust not to shag around!

The reader is right that I almost always avoided anal sex with random guys that I'd only met recently. In my opinion, that reduces the risk of catching anything serious like HIV, although it certainly doesn't eliminate the risk entirely. Regarding anal sex, it's interesting to note that although a lot of people think that gay sex means anal sex, studies such as this paper in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggest otherwise. According to that article which collected data from over 24000 men who have sex with men, only 37% of the guys surveyed participated in anal sex.

Apart from the activities that the reader mentions, there's also frottage. But whatever one does, for me the most important thing is to establish some kind of intimate connection with the other guy. Establishing a connection is to do with the chemistry between the two guys rather than what the activities are. If one doesn't connect with the other guy in some meaningful way, then one may as well just stay at home and have a wank!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Email from a guy with an impolite boyfriend

Just before the end of November last year, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years.

My boyfriend was, for a year and a half, amazing, wonderful, and essentially the most loving person I have ever met. He was extremely kind, not only to me, but to others, was very positive and charming, and was very open minded. I love this man deeply, and I truly feel honoured to be with him. I know for a fact that he loves me the same, and we would go to extreme lengths to make each other happy.

But for the last year and a half, he has become quite the opposite. He is extremely rude to others (not me, luckily). He purposely walks in the way of others in public to assert his self-defined superiority, causing one older woman to ask him "Are you okay?", with him responding snarkily, "Don't get in my way." He stares at himself in the mirror for very long periods of time, brushes his hair obsessively, and often mentions how beautiful he is. He regularly mentions how he is so financially successful at such a young age, which is true, but then makes it a competition between him and his similarly successful friends. He thinks all of my friends are a waste of resources, since they are mostly following a traditional career path in their respective fields. He buys $2,000+ articles of clothing and apparel not to look good, but to make others who can't afford it feel inadequate. He is cunning, and uses his people skills and good looks to manipulate others to do things for him. He purposely treats people in the service industry poorly so they feel as if they must overcompensate to earn a tip or good rating. He ignores people when spoken to while staring at his finger nails, and often responds to complex questions with overly simplified and off-topic answers to turn the tide of the discussion in his favour. I have spoken to him about all of this.

I know everything I've stated above seems like he is the worst person to ever walk the face of this planet, but he wasn't always this way. He *tells me* that he has always been this way, but from the first year and a half of dating, that is completely untrue. I have confronted him about this by stating that I believe, when he is acting terribly, that I am staring at someone else, and I cannot recognize him. He is very stubborn, and at first, refused to believe me and tried to make it seem like I'm imaging things, but I was so overwhelmed by his idiocy that burst out in tears, and he finally listened. He told me he will try to be more nice, more focused on how to be a better person. He is extremely romantic and tender in these situations, and really kills it as a boyfriend when it comes to caring for me. He loves who I am on the inside and out, and finds me very attractive. He loves my family, and I love his, and we get along wonderfully as best friends. I've seen some improvement in the recent months, but it's more of a 15% improvement than anything else.

Overall, I'm not happy with the current state of relationship, directly due to his bad attitude. Things could be infinitely worse, as in, he could be treating me badly or not love me, or he could be cheating, etc, but he is not, and I shouldn't take anything for granted. However, I still find myself unhappy with him. His bad attitude makes me want to disappear sometimes, or fall asleep and wake up to a time when he was still acting normal. Even his own mother has noticed a severe change in attitude, and told him that she did not raise him to act this way to others.

Finally, he is not going through any trauma or severe change in his life. We talk about his work life, family, friends, and personal well-being all of the time, and he is very comfortable and happy. He is not stressed out, nor is he worried about the future. He is not self-conscious, more so like overly self-confident. I am more of a quiet person, and much more observant and self-aware. We are both very young, as I've already alluded to, and I believe that we both have much to learn. He believes that he knows all that he needs. Despite all of these changes, I still love him deeply.

Thus, I am unsure of how to act on this. I like to address a problem, and solve it. He is having difficulty understanding the problem, or seeing that it exists, making this a particularly difficult situation for me. Do you have any advice? Is there advice?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it.

I sent him a reply within a day, in which I said that it was very strange for his behaviour to change like that, and that it was obviously real given that his mother had also noticed the change.

It seems to me that the boyfriend has some kind of physiological or even psychiatric problem. I'm not trained in either of those professions, so perhaps the best advice would be to seek the help of someone who is. However, like a lot of people, I find it interesting to think about these kinds of issues.

Based on my own experiences, the amateur psychologist in me would say that this kind of behaviour might be rooted in some feeling of inadequacy that the reader's boyfriend has. Were there any events that occurred a year and a half ago which might have made him feel that he was a failure in some way? Or what event from his distant past might suddenly have resurfaced in his consciousness to give him an inferiority complex?

There's an analogy here with situations where someone feels that they might be gay, but wants hide their feelings, especially from other people. When that happens, the person often becomes become homophobic and anti-gay. Some of the best examples of this can be seen in politicians who support anti-gay policies in an attempt to *prove* their heterosexuality, which makes it all the more embarrassing for them when their gay experiences are discovered. So with the reader's boyfriend, his constant assertion of superiority could be because inside he's feeling inadequate and inferior in some way.

However, I'm not sure what the best course of action is for the reader to solve the problem. Perhaps one place to start would be for the reader to discuss this amateur psychological analysis with the boyfriend. And as part of that discussion, it would be good to point out that genuinely successful people always treat people with respect. I'm thinking here of "self-actualized" people at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Also, if the reader's boyfriend is at all religious and in particular if he follows the Catholic faith, it might be worth pointing out to him what an excellent example Pope Francis is setting at the moment. I was brought up as a Christian (protestant not Catholic), and although I don't follow it anymore, I am hugely impressed by what Pope Francis has to say about most issues. His famous line "Who am I to judge?" and now his new book "The name of God is mercy" are a breath of fresh air. However, the reader's boyfriend is taking the opposite approach, because he is judging people and failing to treat them with them with dignity and respect.

I think this is quite a difficult problem to solve, so if any other readers have any insights that might help, I'm sure the reader who sent me the email would appreciate it :-).

Are relationships between younger and older guys normal?

Yesterday the following short email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I enjoy reading your blogs and find them very insightful which is why I want to seek your advice.

I wanted to know if you think younger guys dating or having sex with older guys (daddies) in the gay community is normal ?

Hope to hear from you.

:)

I've thought about this a bit, and it's a bit difficult to answer, because it's hard to know what the reader means by "normal".

My best guess it that quite a large majority of gay sexual activities occur between guys where the age difference is no more than ten years or so. A ten year age gap is too little for it to be a situation where a younger guy is having sex with a "daddy" character. Nonetheless, I also think that there is reasonable amount of contact between guys where there age difference is more than ten years.

Of course, a ten year age difference means less and less as one gets older. It's quite a big gap if the younger guy is still a teenager, but much less so when the two guys are in their 40's or 50's. Perhaps a good way to define dating or relationships between younger and older guys would be to recall my rule about N/2+7. The rule suggests that it's socially unacceptable for a guy aged 'N' years to have a relationship with someone who's younger than N/2+7. So the question then becomes, how "normal" is it to break that rule.

I've certainly had more than a few encounters with guys who're more than ten years younger than me, and also a couple with guys who're more than ten years older than me. However, to me the word "daddy" conveys a particular type of personality, and suggests a situation that is very unequal in many ways. I wouldn't put myself in the "daddy" category, because situations which are too unequal don't seem very healthy to me.

In terms of younger guys dating older guys, I am aware of quite a lot of relationships where the younger guy is Asian and the older guy is Caucasian. So for long term Asian/Caucasian relationships, an age difference of more than ten years does seem normal.

However, I also recall a situation involving guys of different ages which definitely did not feel at all normal. It happened over two years ago, while I was visiting the Hot House in Cape Town. Although I did a post about my visit to the Hot House, I didn't mention anything about the two guys of different ages because it because it made me feel uncomfortable. In my visit to the Hot House, as well as my Thai friend B and the guy Henrik that I mentioned, I also got talking to another guy who was quite young. Eventually he told me that he was there with his much older boyfriend. However, he also told me that his mission was to try and find guys for his boyfriend. It wasn't clear to me whether the intention was to have a threesome, or whether the older guy wanted to have sex on his own with whatever guy his younger boyfriend found for him. (I guess another possibility would have been that the older guy wanted to watch his younger boyfriend have sex with someone else!) But in any case, the situation definitely didn't seem "normal". The older boyfriend looked quite unattractive, and the young guy behaved and said things that suggested that he was completely subservient to his older boyfriend. It felt as though the two of them were in the kind of sub-dom relationship that Christian Grey was looking for with Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey.

So I think whether it's normal or not for a younger guy to have sex with an older guy depends on the context. As I said above, I think that there is a reasonable amount of contact between guys of significantly different ages. But whether it's normal or not probably depends on the context :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Discussion with a gay guy who had an affair

Back in February, over the course of a week, I exchanged a lot of emails with a reader who lives in Singapore. The reader had been in a gay relationship for 20 years, but he'd started having an affair with someone else and he didn't know what to do next. One interesting issue that these emails discuss is whether one should tell a partner about an affair or not, once the affair is over. Another interesting aspect of these emails is how the reader gradually changes his position, and eventually starts to focus on what he needs to do to try and save his relationship. The emails were as follows:

Dear GB,

I've been reading your blog for many years now and would like your advice about my current situation.

I am an Asian guy brought up in US, and after graduating from university I moved to Singapore for work where I met a wonderful Caucasian man. For nearly two decades we have been in a very loving, faithful, monogamous relationship. We both started our careers in separate companies in junior roles and worked our way up to senior management roles with lots of overseas business travel and time apart or away from each other. We were both very happy and accepted that business travel and the time apart were part of our routine. We are both around 40 years old and reasonably attractive, so we have had our fair share of people hitting on us both individually and as a couple. We have never strayed or acted on any advances in the past, as we believe we should be committed to each other. I have to admit he is only my second bf and I am his first ever bf so we are not "players" as to say.

This was all very well and swell until about two years ago when head office decided to close its APAC operations and made me redundant. At that time I guess I was a bit distraught about being jobless but also excited about having the means and time to travel and explore the world before getting back to a full time role. This is where my problems begin. During the first few weeks/months it was great as I thought I was basically on an extended holiday break. My partner and I planned several holidays together and I was having a whale of a time in my new found freedom from work. After my partner returned to his normal work schedule it dawned on me that I was basically alone for much of my time in Singapore. I felt lonely and a bit needy which is not like my normal personality. I have tried to seek full time employment but nothing seemed to be a good fit in my line of business, and no roles which were similar to my previous job attracted my attention. I am currently doing part time consulting work but that is very sporadic and not very challenging.

In my downtime I found myself looking at gay apps and initially chatting and flirting with guys but never meeting them. I tend to chat to Caucasian guys in different countries to justify/deceive myself that I wasn't cheating or betraying my partner. Then about a year ago I was messaged by a guy in the US and initially it was the same thing of chatting / getting to know each other but after about four months I decided I wanted to meet the guy in person and to book a ticket and fly to US to basically meet a stranger. This was so unlike me and I was both excited and racked with guilt of having an affair/cheating on my partner that I went back and forth of cancelling and rebooking the flight/hotel to US.

Eventually I went ahead with the trip and met the US guy. There was an incredible explosive chemistry between us when we first saw each other for the first time. We got on so well together, had loads in common and it was way more than just physical attraction between us. We literally talked the whole time about everything and just had such a fantastic time together. Initially I booked the hotel room for just the weekend and I was to return to Singapore afterwards. US guy asked me to stay longer and I extended my trip and spent a whole week with him at his home. We played happy family the whole time and I got to know US guy more. He explained he was previously married to a woman but he's now divorced. He was totally in the closet about his homosexual tendencies till after his divorce when he initially met guys off the gay apps and chatrooms. He did have a long relationship with an Asian guy that lasted eight years. They broke up after the Asian guy finished his studies in US and moved back to Asia and since then he has been alone until he came across me on one of the gay apps. US guy also knows all about my background and current partner situation. I also suspect that US guy hasn't moved on from the relationship with the previous Asian guy, and is still holding out that he will return one day, because he is still in regular contact with him and has been on several holidays to Asia to meet up.

My dilemma is that I have been seeing US guy for about a year now and I would fly to US every two/three months to spend a few days with him in the city where he lives and also a few days at his home outside of the city. When we are not together we chat/text/skype several times daily. This whole time since the start of our affair was on the understanding that I would not leave my partner in Singapore and he would be able to date guys in US. I was all fine with this arrangement as I would have time to figure out what I was going to do with my life/job situation and existing relationship. Recently I have thought about moving back to US permanently and breaking up my 20 year relationship as I am besotted with US guy that I am willing to take a risk on him. My friends in Singapore think I am having a mid-life crisis and have gone totally loopy with this way of thinking. US guy has also pulled back a bit when I told him I was thinking of ending my 20 year relationship to be with him. He has told me he doesn't want to be a home wrecker and feels guilty about the whole situation and maybe I should take more time in deciding and in the meantime we should maybe cool things down a bit. I have tried cooling things down but after a few days or a week of not being in touch I have an urge to contact him and the cycle begins all over again.

I am totally lost as what to do, I can't sleep, function properly and constantly irritated about minor stuff that wouldn't even register in my mind before. Even friends advise about seeking professional family counselling so would like your advice or any comments on my dilemma.

I look forward to hearing from you!

When I read the email, I couldn't help thinking that his friends were right that he was having a mid-life crisis, so I replied promptly as follows:

Sorry to hear about everything that's happened to you. Your email talks about your partner a lot in the beginning, and then you don't mention him. Looking into the future, I can't envisage any sensible scenario where you don't end up talking to him about everything. Are you really thinking about walking out of the door without any explanation? After 20 years, he would surely deserve to know why! You write that you need "... to figure out what I was going to do with my life/job situation and existing relationship" but how on earth can you do any of that without talking to him?

Indeed, it occurs to me that you're lost because you think that you can't talk about how you're feeling to the guy who's been the most important person in your life since you became an adult, i.e. your boyfriend. You have no idea what he might be thinking, or if you do, you don't disclose it in your email. He's likely to feel that you've grown apart given what you've been doing, but is he looking to try and repair or is he also looking to move on? He may even have his own secret lover, but I have no idea how likely that is. Would he contemplate a move back to the US with you, if that's best for you professionally? Maybe he can think of things that you haven't thought of, after all, that's what good boyfriends should try and do when things get tough. A good relationship is "... for better, for worse ..." and this is obviously part of the "worse" but that shouldn't necessarily mean that it's the end.

You are indeed having a mid-life crisis. If you've read a lot of my posts then you'll have heard me say many times "The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence" and that's certainly true in this case. Your email implies quite strongly that US guy isn't looking for anything more with you, so you need to consciously acknowledge that it's unlikely that any relationship with him would go very far at the moment.

As I said, in the second paragraph, it's not plausible that you don't end up talking to your boyfriend about everything. It's likely to be a very difficult conversation indeed, but please, don't just walk out without any explanation. Once you've said the difficult things then I think you will feel very slightly better, even if that turns out to be the beginning of the end of your 20 year relationship. But (again something that I've said many times before), good communication is the key to deep rewarding and long-lasting relationships, so if you don't try and repair, you relationship is doomed anyway. It's even possible that your boyfriend will understand everything that you wrote in your email to me, and then find ways to give you all the support that you need at this difficult time.

So, please talk to your boyfriend as soon as possible. Also, please let me know what happens.

Within a day, the reader had sent me another email:

Hi GB,

Thanks so much for your prompt reply.

It's quite reassuring that you/another person can understand my predicament and my feelings of being lost and not knowing where to go and how to move on.

I actually have spoken in a roundabout way to my bf regarding my current feelings of being underemployed and also the feeling of loneliness when he is not around for extended periods of times. Whereas he understands and has even tried to push me into finding a job or role (charity/volunteer work) that will occupy my time, I feel I need his emotional support rather than the financial support.

We have even talked about moving to US together (he is not from US) but willing to move in a few years "when the time is right". He has a senior management job looking after his company’s global markets based in Singapore, so travel is part of his role and I understand that and in effect I am taking a back seat in order for him to succeed. I do not and will not expect him to give up his job for my sake. I need to find a way around his travel schedule to stay connected to him. We message and FaceTime daily now when he is away, so I am making an effort to rebuild our relationship.

He does not know I had had an affair and will be devastated if he knew I was with another guy. He is very old school and has very high morals. I know he has never cheated on me and I do not believe he will ever do so. Even when we were living in separate countries for a year due to different jobs we made the effort to travel between the countries every other month to be with each other. He would even feel guilty and tell me if a guy cruised him in the gym or made any advances on him.

Now after my affair, when I am with my bf doing couple things and spending time together, my mind wanders to US guy and what I would be doing with him in the US. I know the grass is not greener on the other side and have seen some of my friends split up after long relationships who have then regretted not trying to make things work out between them, so I do know I have major stakes on hand if I just give it all up and move to US.

I guess you are also correct in the fact that US guy may be scared off as I know he is seeking a relationship and I was rebound guy for him and he’s not actually sure if he has moved on from his previous bf. We have talked at length about his previous relationship and he had admitted he is still in love with his previous bf but as he’s moved back to Asia his ex has moved on. I have tried since the New Year not to contact US guy so often and try to work things out with my bf. But it always seems after a few days I cave in and send US guy a text or he messages me with a Hi. We haven’t actually said anything lovey dove for a while now so I guess things have died down for him ever since I brought up moving to US and splitting with my bf. US guy did say he does suppress his feelings for me as he knows he doesn’t want to break up my relationship so I know also he’s holding back. I guess I am taken in with his attentiveness and messages of courtship that I should be seeking from my bf instead of US guy.

Thanks for your help!!

At this stage, I felt I needed to be blunt about what I thought was necessary to make robust repairs to his 20 year relationship, so I replied with the following:

You're in denial about the need to talk to your boyfriend about everything. You think that one possible course of action is to hide your affair and continue with your relationship, but it won't work like that. It's become far far too big, and as I said in my first email, your relationship is doomed if you can't communicate properly with him. You say it yourself in your recent email that what you need is his emotional support, and you'll never really have that again if you don't talk to him. Can you survive in a relationship for the rest of your life without proper emotional support? You're thinking "What should I do", instead of working with your boyfriend and thinking together "What should we do", so at the present point in time, your relationship is effectively dead anyway. So I still don't think there's any sensible scenario where you don't talk to him about everything.

Within a day, the reader replied as follows:

Hi GB,

I don’t think I am in denial about the need to have better emotional communication with my bf. I totally understand that I should be more open with my feelings with him rather than project my feelings and emotions onto my affair with US guy.

On the topic of US guy, I guess the affair has run its course as he has been quiet and distant since Christmas/New Year. I take that as a sign that he has moved on and I was reading more into what we had as it seems he was seeking something closer to US so as not to deal with the complexities of another long distance relationship. I understand that US guy has been providing me with the emotional support that I've been lacking in my relationship with my bf. I guess after nearly 20yrs together we have drifted apart and need to work on forming a closer bond and not look to third parties for that support.

On that point, I have realised any meaningful relationship with US guy is not possible and I have consciously decided not pursue any further romantic friendship with him. I have communicated this to him, hence the silence on his behalf. His last email/text in early February was that he was still in regular communication with his previous bf (in Asia) and awaiting his uncertain return to US, but in the meantime he is exploring new friendships in US with SE Asian / oriental guys. I guess that means he is seeking physical connections with guys in US and not seeking anything more at the moment. This is not the type of friendship I seek nor want. As you state in your previous email, I need the emotional support from my bf and not just the physical relief.

I am trying to be more emotionally open to my bf and spent the past few days talking about future plans together and scenarios of being apart and me travelling with him when he is away on extended business trips. One such trip will take place in April where he will be in North America for one month and I have decided to travel with him for some of that time. I will refrain from contacting/seeing US guy while I am nearby, and have already contacted friends to occupy my time there. I realise that having an affair or seeking what I lack emotionally with my bf is not the solution to my insecurities.

I really appreciate your advice and some comments have made me re-examine my relationship with my bf and how I should deal with my current situation.

Thanks so much for everything!

Before I'd had a chance to reply, the reader sent me another email:

Hi GB,

Second email for today as I'm feeling a bit worked up as having a great weekend with my bf with everything seeming to come together and moving ahead and now just had a shock at having come across the US guy online on one of the gay "social" apps seeking a hook up.

I know in my mind that things are over between us but feel extremely betrayed that he is choosing to end our friendship and seeking hook up with strangers. He had deleted all of his gay apps a few weeks ago but seems to have set up new profiles and changed specs in order to disguise himself, i.e. age/height/weight etc. I know it's him even though he's not putting up photos of his face because I recognise specific photos of his home/furniture/body markings etc.

I guess this was inevitable that he would be back on the apps. Do you have any advice, apart from not being on the apps myself, to help me not feel so devastated knowing that US guy is online again?

Both emails were avoiding what I thought the main issue was, namely the need for the reader to have a proper chat with his boyfriend about everything that had happened. But more than that, why was the reader still checking the apps himself, and still letting US guy's behaviour worry him? My response was as follows:

The fact that the actions of US guy concern you gives me cause for concern about your existing long term relationship. Emotional support should be coming from your boyfriend, not me. It only serves to reinforce my view my view that you're in denial about the need to talk to your boyfriend about everything. What's likely to happen over the next year or so is that something will go wrong with your relationship because there's this big thing that you're hiding, which means that you can't communicate properly, etc etc. The fact that you're still checking apps is further evidence that you're not committed to solving the issue with your long term boyfriend. It's up to you of course. I'll take no pleasure if you need to email me later because your relationship does end up breaking down :-|.

When the reply came, I was glad to see that he was finally starting to address the disclosure issue:

Hi GB,

Thanks for your reply. One of the reasons why I'm emailing you is the fact you are a stranger and can look upon my situation from a third party non biased point of view so I thank you for your comments and feedback.

Another reason is that my bf is away on business again as I usually do not go on the apps when he is around or feel the need to seek out guys when he is here.

Also I don't know how to go about approaching him with the subject of my affair or me being on the gay apps when he is not around as I really don't meet the local guys and I'm not on them seeking casual sex.

On the subject of disclosure of the affair, I have done a lot of research and read a lot of material on the internet and some people have advised not to disclose the affair for the sake of feeling less guilty on oneself as it may cause more damage than good.

I have sought advice/feedback from my friends about this subject and they have responded by saying forget about US guy and have fun on the apps and don't get emotionally attached. I was seeking feedback from you and hoping you had a different take on this.

I guess in a way I am in denial about my long term relationship as US guy has totally got me taken in. I was very much smitten with his affection and sweet talk at the time and a bit naïve thinking I was falling in love with a genuine guy. Turns out he is hooking up with several guys and on the lookout for more hook ups at any opportunity.

I did a stupid thing where I responded to his profile today pretending to be someone else (fake name/random blurry pic etc) and he replied back basically with the standard hi/nice profile/what you into/when you free response. I know I shouldn't care at this stage and to a point I don't, as I know for sure what type of character he is now, so I don't regret faking a profile for this outcome.

I guess I will need to work on my relationship and address my emotional support from my bf further. Thanks again and I don't believe you would take comfort or pleasure in hearing that I have succumbed to a relationship breakdown.

At last, the reader seemed to be starting to see the truth about everything that had been going on :-). Looking back at all these emails now, my response that followed was perhaps my best contribution to this debate:

Thanks very much :-), because now we can debate a very important issue, i.e. "to disclose or not to disclose".

FYI, I think that you're at the point I was at when I told my boyfriend number 1 that I'd been away on holiday with boyfriend number 2 (see A conversation with boyfriend number 1). I decided to disclose because, as I said before, it had come too big and I had developed feelings for boyfriend number 2. If you've read my blog you'll know that I eventually split up with boyfriend number 1, even though I never wanted that to happen. One of the reasons for that outcome was that boyfriend number 1 has never been very strong emotionally, and he was unable to handle the idea that I was still in love with him after what I'd done. He also didn't like the idea of an open relationship. However, I would expect your boyfriend to be emotionally much stronger given his job, so if you disclose and you split up then I'd expect it to be for a very different reason.

Disclosing is not to make you feel less guilty. It's so that you can try and rebuild. Until you disclose the truth I don't see how you can do that in a meaningful way. That was certainly why I disclosed to boyfriend number 1. You're already back on the apps, still pining a bit for US guy, so how long before it all happens again? Everything would be different if your boyfriend knows that when he's away you might use apps. You could discuss whether you need some kind of open relationship, although perhaps that would still be unacceptable. I now seem to have grown out of my need for *activities* with other guys, and some things in your email suggests that you want to ditch the other guys too. I don't see that happening without the strong support of your boyfriend.

What does "doing more harm than good" mean? That your relationship will never be the same? That it might cause you might split up? Yes it won't ever be the same again and Yes you might split up. It will almost certainly be the biggest crisis point that you've had, and the outcome is impossible to predict. However, without doubt your relationship can be much better than it is now, because at the moment you're not getting the support that you need, and also your boyfriend doesn't have the relationship that he thinks he has. If your relationship does survive, it'll be much stronger. Alternatively if you hide this and try and tough it out, my guess is that you'll gradually become more and more unhappy and detached from your boyfriend, so that even if you still live together it won't be much of a relationship.

Another thought, though, is that I have no idea what your boyfriend must be thinking. Do you really think that he hasn't noticed anything unusual in your behaviour? If he really does work very hard then it is just about possible, although more likely is that there's something in the back of his mind that he doesn't want to address because he's too busy and he knows deep down that he might not like the answer. Unless you do talk, if he does have a niggle then it'll always be there, and that's not healthy for the two of you either.

I've never posted the following snippet before, but a few years ago on the day after Christmas I got an email from a guy who was at the very top of his profession. Undoubtedly the guy was a very hard worker, perhaps like your boyfriend. The email started as follows:

"My bf number 1, we've been together for 19 years, is cheating on me - he has been for years , I've pretended it was a mistake etc but now he's having a mid-life crisis as well and keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants! I'm left hurt and angry and crying and he's making his mind up about what he wants. I always said the first time would be the last but then I wasn't thinking of love, and I do love him, very much."

I'm not saying that your boyfriend will have the same reaction but there are some similarities. The crisis point had been reached, and at that point the guy's reaction wasn't even what the guy thought his reaction would be, because he realised that he still loved his boyfriend in spite of the forbidden cheating. You give me the impression that you do want to stay with your boyfriend, and if so, that should make the conversation a bit easier. In the snippet above, the boyfriend doesn't seem to know what he wants.

It sounds like I indeed have a different view to the friends that you've spoken to. And in fact that's yet another reason to disclose. A situation where (presumably) close friends know such an important secret about your relationship and your boyfriend doesn't know it is very unhealthy. Might your boyfriend eventually find out through the grapevine? Incidentally, advice to "enjoy the apps" sounds appallingly short term to me, and ridiculously inappropriate for someone like you who's been in a long term relationship for 20 years. Are they jealous of your relationship?

The reader responded as follows:

Hi GB,

I find emailing you very therapeutic as I have been basically letting you know all about my affair / dirty secrets in the hope of seeking some sort of redemption or absolution for my infidelity. I know this is not what you are about and do not expect anything but brutal honesty and feedback from you.

In the whole 20 yrs of our relationship I can honestly say I have not felt this low ever. The reason is inexplicable as I seldom have the need for hook ups or one night stands, but in saying that I am not a saint and have a few (less than a handful) of sexual encounters with other guys in the whole 20yrs of us being together. Each time afterwards I feel incredibly guilty that I have betrayed my bf and it doesn’t happen again for literally years.

I know I need to take ownership and admit my guilt or at the very least open up to my bf about my real feelings and rebuild the mess I have created. What is fundamentally different from your situation with your break up with bf1 is that you wanted an open relationship and he did not. I also do not want an open relationship nor does my bf, we have talked about this in the past as we have friends that have open relationships and seen the implications and problems it causes with one partner seemingly getting left out in the relationship while the other partner seems to be having more fun. This inequality in the relationship is probably the reason that we have stayed monogamous. I guess you are going to argue that in effect of me having an affair that I am being unfair and shutting out my bf and hence having more power or the upper hand than him hence the inequality?

This time with the affair with US guy I don’t feel so guilty and in a way he has made me realise that I am seeking more than monogamous companionship with my bf. I think like you with your relationship with boyfriend number 1, I want more adventure in my relationship rather than being settled as I am currently am with my bf. I think I am looking at this as being the greener pastures on the other side. I know this is not reality and stupid of me to seek further friendship with US guy on this basis. I often wonder if the reason that I am besotted with US guy is that he is the very opposite to my bf. US guy comes from a very blue collar industry. He likes/thrives on US pop culture and generally very down to earth or "common" to use a more horrible turn of phrase. So I guess when I was spending a week at US guy's house playing his bf I enjoyed all the washing/ironing and cleaning which is something I haven’t done in all the years of living in Singapore as we have a full time maid that does all the household stuff. To say we move in different social circles is the best way to describe it so I guess it was a thrill to meet someone so different that showed an interest in me. Needless to say that was all very fine through the rose coloured glasses and now reality has kicked in and it's no longer all happy ironing or vacuuming. Sorry that seemed to poke fun at the situation but I don't really know how to describe the situation or the circumstances any other way.

You are correct that my bf does not know what has been going on or have an inkling I had an affair as he is away often he only sees the fake "happy me" side of things when he is home. If I did disclose to him I been with another guy he probably won't believe I would be capable in the first instance. I did have a bit of a meltdown around Nov/Dec last year where I did contemplate walking out on the relationship to be US guy. At that time he associated my moody behaviour with me being out of work and stress of the Christmas/New Year holidays where we were going to be with his parents and friends. Usually I get on great with his family and friends so he did delve deeper and asked if there was anything troubling me but I bottled out and said everything was fine and I was concerned about the job situation and money side of things. He was great and re-assured me that he would take care of everything and that I don't need to rush to get another job until I'm ready to re-join the workforce.

Still a bit confused on my next moves as bf is away at the moment but back in Singapore for Chinese New Year. I will be with my family for most of the time this year (usually bf and I go on holiday somewhere). My family does include or ask him to join in dinners or gatherings as they know of our relationship, but he doesn't want to be subjected to three whole days with my dad so I guess I will have some alone time with my family and he with our mutual friends.

Look forward to chat to you soon!

When I got this email it was clear that previously the reader had previously been holding back. It's not that he'd been misleading me on purpose, but to some extent he had been deciding on what I needed to know, filtering and putting the right spin on what he disclosed. However, with more disclosure now about previous infidelities (which he implied had never occurred in his first email), and with comments about "… the mess I have created", it was clear that the reader was now starting to was taking ownership of the situation and focus on possible solutions. My next email was quite short:

I'm not going to have any time to email you in the next week or two, but it seems like we're increasingly on the same page about this.

Not sure exactly what you meant about the inequality in your relationship. Perhaps you meant that when you had a job, was his job much better paid than yours, but that wasn't completely clear.

My main thought I don't think it's possible to separate your relationship issues from your career issues. You won't be happy and stable again until you've got something meaningful to do while your boyfriend is away or at work. Nonetheless, I suspect that getting your boyfriend's support and understanding to help you solve the career issue is going to be an important part of the answer.

Anyway, please let me know how it all goes, GB xxx

Even though I'd told the reader that I wasn't going to be able to respond, the following email came through relatively quickly:

Hi GB,

No worries about getting back to me in the next few weeks due to your busy schedule. I'm just happy that I've been able to bounce some of my anxieties off you over the past few days.

When I was in full time employment we both had a very similar salaries that afforded us a very luxurious lifestyle. My bf is still in a very high flying role and with bonuses / incentive schemes he can more than look after me without having to compromise my lifestyle in any way.

What I mean was in having the upper hand in the relationship was that one partner was seemingly more happy than the other in a relationship.

I guess you are correct that as I'm now without a meaningful job I have too much time on my hands and end up seeking chat on the apps or validation from 'friends' in an otherwise un-fulling passing of my days.

I've decided I will stop stalking US guy on the apps as nothing good will come of it as I know he's the type that will be looking for casual sex whilst maintaining the persona that he is not seeking hook ups. I’ve now caught him on three occasions over the course of the past four months on separate sites seeking fun whilst he's sworn to me that he’s turned over a new leaf and deleted the apps. His own words of wanting to be a better person and not want casual hook ups. But it seems he regularly deletes one profile and set up another whilst maintaining similar specs in an attempt to prove to me that he has deleted them. So in hindsight I can now see he has been lying to me about our "special" connection.

Feel a bit of a fool about that bit so in the cold light of day I know I must move on and work on my long term relationship with my bf and not throw away 20yrs over a short sighted affair.

Keep well!

As I had indicated, I was unable to reply. However, three weeks later the reader sent me an update:

Hi GB,

I hope you are doing well! Just to give you an update of how I’ve been as it's been a few weeks since we last emailed each other.

I'm doing better and have taken decisive steps of moving on and patching things up with the bf.

US guy has been in touch with me via text a few times, just casual "how are you/what you up to?" type of messages but I've been ignoring them. Then last week he sent another message to ask if I was ignoring him as it had been two weeks since he sent the messages and I didn’t respond. I eventually sent him a reply and told him I can’t continue to be 'friends' with him as I want to work things out with bf and as he is in US and looking for a long term relationship with someone there and that person can’t be me. I left it at that and didn’t go into details of knowing that he had betrayed and lied to me over the period of ‘us’ being together last year and also logging onto the apps looking for casual hook ups whilst maintaining that he has been with friends when I now know he was with other guys. (Even today I can see he is online on several different apps!)

I've also started to remove him from my daily routine (i.e.) deleting his photos, blocked him on WhatsApp, and Facebook and basically refrain from looking him up online. Even though I deleted the majority of his photos, I can’t bring myself to completely extinguish his memory and I have saved some photos and videos on a secure external hard drive hidden away. I guess some part of me still has feelings for him and I don’t want to completely let go of that but I know I have to remove him from my daily routine and hopefully over time I will think of less of him.

Things with bf are better. He’s still traveling a lot for work a but usually home for the weekends so we can spend some quality time together. We are discussing relationship things like emotional and work stuff and we having physical activities but I still haven’t told him I had an affair. We chat on FaceTime and several times a day when he’s on trips and are planning an Easter holiday together in Europe and I am genuinely excited about that so fingers crossed that we are on a healing path.

I guess like the old mantra of time heals is true and hopefully it's not too soon before I will move on from this episode.

Look forward to chat to you again soon!

PS: THANK YOU it has been quite an emotional time for me over the past few months and I have been feeling so much better since I contacted you and you have been a great part of the healing process!!

The reader now sounded like he was genuinely on a healing path in terms of his long term relationship. However, I still had some concern about whether it was possible to brush everything under the carpet and not disclose what had happened, so the last email I sent the reader was as follows:

Glad to hear that things are getting better :-). The risk of not telling him in a controlled and calm way is that it might end up coming out if you go through a bad patch and have arguments in the future. And if you have told anyone about your affair, there's also the risk of him finding out through the grapevine, and perhaps also a risk if there are any "clues" lying around that you might have forgotten to get rid of. Anyway, I'm very glad to hear that things are on the mend :-). GB xxx

I haven't heard from the reader since March, so I assume that everything he has now sorted himself out. But the issue about whether it's best to disclose an affair or not is still an open question. If any readers have any thoughts on this subject, please leave comments :-).

Email from a gay guy about finding a boyfriend

At the start of the month, a reader who'd written to me before sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

How have you been? It's been ages since we were last in touch!

It's the guy who didn't believe in love at first sight and sent you a few messages about it some 3.5 years ago! I had a serious crush on a guy I met in a guy in a gym in the City around October/November 2011, but I blew it spectacularly. I never got to the point when I was able to have a normal conversation with him - my heart rate went over the roof each time I saw him, my hands began to sweat, my communication ability all but gone. I did make a few attempts to chat him up, but I think I just annoyed him more and more until he eventually turned down my invitation to drinks. This was around July/August 2012 and I hoped it would be the final blow that I needed to take me back to reality. However I saw him again in the gym more than a year later and I was back to square one - sweaty hands, heart in throat, etc. It was like he had a remote control in his pocket with a button saying "Act Like An Idiot."

I mean, it's not like I've had him on my mind all this time LOL. I've moved on with life, got a new job, moved to south London, transferred my gym membership to another club, dated a few guys, moved back to north London, etc. But I would be lying if I said that he doesn't cross my mind every now and then. Even now - in March 2015. Maybe 1-2 times a month or so. But it doesn't hurt any more. It's like one of those things from your past that you've come to accept and move on. I do wonder sometimes how he is doing though, whether he still lives in London or moved to New Zealand or someplace else sufficiently far away from me ;), whether he still looks the same or got a new haircut, found a new job or a long-term partner. I don't know. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is, and that he is getting what he wants out of life - even if it means that he is most likely with someone else by now.

Anyways, I don't want this post to be about him again! You are probably banging your head against the wall already! ;) I want to write about gay relationships in general and more specifically - how does one find a meaningful gay relationship in London?

I know what you are probably going to say. I need to put myself out there, get more social, etc. But I am doing that already and I don't feel I'm getting too far. I do meet quality guys, professional, intelligent, etc. but I rarely get beyond the first few dates.

For example, I went on a few dates with this Canadian architect. We got on really well, had a few dinners, went to the theatre a few times, etc. He was a good looking guy, fit, around my age, intelligent, successful, etc. But I just couldn't get myself excited about seeing him again. He had this strange habit of grabbing me in the middle of a busy street and giving me a long deep kiss with dozens of people passing by. Or he would take me to one of those cosy restaurants in Soho (cosy as in touching-elbows-with-your-neighbours situation) where he would lean across the table as if he wanted to tell me something private, but instead gave me a long deep kiss again. I mean, I totally understand that he wanted to be romantic and spontaneous, and I can certainly appreciate a bit of romance and spontaneity in other guys, but perhaps not in the middle of Leicester Square on a Friday night, or in a packed restaurant where we have an audience watching us while I'm still chewing on my chicken!

Or this other guy - a South African lawyer. Again, an intelligent, good looking and successful guy around my age, with an amazing apartment in Kensington. He was honestly THE best date I've ever had. We met for a mid-afternoon walk in a park, had a coffee and cake, then he took me to dinner to this amazing restaurant in Chelsea where I had the best French wine in my life. And we TALKED all this time - 8 hours of non-stop talking about life, work, politics, economy, family, our past experiences and hopes for the future, etc. I can't remember when I hit it off with another guy so quickly. The problem was - I just wasn't physically attracted to him at all. It was like talking to a brother. The second I saw him I knew there was going to be no chemistry on my side. There was nothing wrong with him at all. He was good looking, tall, fit, etc. Just completely NOT. MY. TYPE. And my first reaction to that? I felt GUILTY. And I couldn't figure it out the whole night. I thought I was being too picky, selfish, etc. The worst thing was that we ended up in his place around midnight, and, well... I had to think of someone else to come to a happy ending LOL. I mean, he was much more experienced than me, very attentive, and wanted to make sure that I was having a good time, etc. but it still didn't do anything. So I just closed my eyes and thought about someone else. I know it sounds horrible when I say it like that, but that's what it was. I stayed in the whole night, he made me breakfast in the morning, got me a taxi back home... and I haven't seen him since. He texted me a few times after that, even sent me a bunch of peacock feathers to work (!!), but I didn't know how to deal with it so I just went silent. I know, very cowardly. But imagine coming to work one morning (where you are still not out to everybody), and finding a bunch of peacock feathers on your desk. Explain that to your colleagues! I texted him a few months later suggesting a drink, but I got no response. I guess that's it then.

I've also tried to socialise with guys I met in the scene, rather than through online dating sites. About a year ago I met these 3 decent professional guys at a Village Drinks event and we agreed to have Sunday lunch together. I was genuinely excited - a proper Sunday roast with 3 other gay guys! I immediately thought Carrie Bradshaw and Sex In The City, soulmates, life-long friendships, etc. Talk about expectations! The first 1-2 hours were great - we talked about our jobs, Village Drinks, relationships, the gay scene, etc. But as we moved on to desserts (and a few bottles of wine later), the discussion somehow turned to all different types of chems, and which body orifice(s) they should be applied through for best effect. Apparently they were all skilled in the topic, while I just wondered why my jaw was on the floor. And believe me, ALL body orifices were discussed in great detail. It just felt surreal. I was having lunch with 3 other gay guys, and I never felt more out of place in my life. I am telling you, apple crumble will never taste the same again!!

I had a similar experience a few months later when I wanted to follow my curiosity and tried to befriend a few guys from the leather scene. I was invited to a birthday party which was attended by about 30 other guys aged 25 to 60 - all very butch and masculine. My heart was racing with excitement! ;) The party went OK, except I never thought I would learn so much about botox injections in one night. I am not judging, I am just saying that Botox was the main guest at the party. By 2am there were still about 6-8 guys in the house, but I left soon after it became clear that they were getting ready for a group fisting session. I mean, I am all for mutual fun between consenting adults - whatever form it may take. But this was the host's 50th birthday party which ended up with a fisting session in his bedroom. For some reason I felt like my heart was going out to the guy. I just wanted to hug him.

I am not a total prude LOL. I am a healthy guy with normal physical needs and I have met a few guys for fun only too, although it didn't go without a few curious incidents. One guy asked me if I was 100% sure that I was gay - as I didn't wear gay underwear... Yep, that's what he said. I Didn't. Wear. Gay. Underwear. I never knew there was such a thing! I was wearing GAP boxers that night, orange or red colour I think, and they looked pretty OK to me. I responded that I am pretty sure that I am gay (otherwise I wouldn't be in his bedroom half naked LOL), and therefore, any underwear I choose to wear on any given day is - by definition - gay. If I choose to wear military boxers with images of Rambo and Terminator on my butt, they would still be classified as gay underwear no matter how straight or macho I would look like. Oh, well... that was probably not the best example haha but you know what I mean, right? ;)

All of this just makes me wonder - is this really all there is to it? How do other guys find meaningful, passionate, long-term gay relationships? Do they first hit it off with a good shag, and then try to find out what they have in common so they can justify staying together? Or do they meet for dates only first, and if they get along as friends they try to make it work even if there's little chemistry between them, hoping they would eventually click physically and emotionally too?

I know, most people would say that relationships take time. You need to talk, invest time to get to know each other, spend time together, make sacrifices, etc.... and then what? You wake up one day and realise that you are in love? How much time is it going to take before it happens? And how do I know that it's probably never going to happen and so I should probably break it off and move on before I fall into a pattern of convenience and stay with someone just to make sense of all the sacrifices and commitments I've already made so far? I mean, consider the South African lawyer above. He was very keen to take it further. He had the looks, the brains, the money, the job, the apartment, the body... he had everything. But there was just ZERO chemistry on my part. I mean, it was our FIRST night together and I had to think of someone else. Was it ever going to get any better? Maybe I should have just faked it for a few months and see what happens. I don't know. I just felt that it would be a wrong and dishonest thing to do. HE deserved better than that.

So, what would be your advice? I guess different things work for different guys when it comes to relationships. For me - I need the initial click, otherwise I can't get myself to commit. This doesn't necessarily mean lust LOL, just the feeling of longing to see someone again if that makes any sense. And when I get that initial click - THEN I am happy to make sacrifices, invest time to get to know each other, etc. I don't know. Maybe I just need to put myself out there much more, especially in social situations with other gay guys, although I still find it a bit silly that I should socialise and choose friends based on their sexual orientation LOL. The weird thing is - I've only met a handful of guys so far who gave me sleepless nights, but every time it happened I wasn't actively looking! I just went on with life as usual and somehow happened to bump into them - in a graduate school in the US, a temporary work placement in Austria, or a gym in the City.

Another weird thing is that they all seemed to have similar characteristics. I guess that would be my "type" then! They were all down to earth, proud, intelligent, determined, confident and wise, perhaps a bit reserved and unapproachable at first, but deep inside very caring, loyal and fiercely protective. Not sure why but I am just naturally drawn towards these guys over and over again, even though I find it difficult to break down the initial barrier. They just make me feel that I could trust them, and that they would be able to make me feel safe and protected. I realise there's an inherent contradiction in what I've just said LOL - as I consider myself quite independent and free spirited - but I do hope to find a strong, reliable guy that I would look forward to coming home to each day, not because I have to, but because that's where I feel I belong. And of course he would be madly in love with me, obviously... ;))

Joking aside, I don't necessarily think that I need to go through half a dozen failed relationships before I find him. It's more of a feeling you have when you find something - and you just KNOW that this is IT. It's almost like buying a house LOL. I know it's a stupid analogy but just for the sake of making my point - Would you buy (and subsequently re-sell) 2-3 houses before you finally find the one that really suits YOU? I mean, in the right neighbourhood, the right size, location, number of rooms, layout, views, garden, etc.? If you ask me personally - I wouldn't. It's just too much hassle, responsibility, and too much time spent on something I'm not 100% sure about. It's a burden. I would rather keep renting until I find a place that I KNOW is perfect for ME. And then I would put all my energy into it.

So maybe my plan should be to do nothing LOL! Just be myself and go on with life, be open to new encounters and experiences and make the most out of each opportunity, hoping that I won't make a complete idiot of myself next time around. If it's supposed to happen it will happen at some point - and I will manage.

What do you think? Thanks

When I started reading this reader's email, I was very glad when I got to the bit that told me that this email was NOT about the "love at first sight" guy! So I sent him an email in which I included the following paragraphs:

For some guys, there's a danger that no one is ever good enough for them, especially in places like London. In London, the population is changing all the time, especially in the 20 year old to 40 year old age group. That means that there are always new guys to meet, so even if a particular guy is OK, maybe the next guy will be better. When people get into that mind-set they never end up getting a boyfriend, which I think is quite sad.

Are you clear about why you want a boyfriend? For me it feels very natural to want a special guy to share my life with, but not everyone is like that.

Many people will say that if you go out looking for a boyfriend, it doesn't happen. Boyfriend K is the fourth guy that I'd call "a boyfriend", but when I started my relationship with all of them, I wasn't actually looking for a boyfriend. With boyfriend number 1 (a.k.a. boyfriend S), I'd only recently come out, so I was looking for friends and casual gay sex experiences. With boyfriend number 2, (a.k.a. boyfriend P), I was in Singapore and I was just looking for *fun* while on a business trip. With boyfriend T, I'd only recently split up with boyfriend number 2, so I was definitely just looking for *fun* to take my mind off him. Lastly with boyfriend K, he's a friend of a friend of mine, so I met him socially and in those social situations I certainly wasn't looking for a boyfriend either.

Perhaps a good idea for you would be to try and build a social circle of gay friends? There are enough gay social groups around. Or just look for shags! That's what I recommended in an old post called The gaydar advantage, and as you can tell from my relationship history, it worked for me :-). (N.B. I guess if I was writing that post today I'd call it "The Grindr advantage", but I'm sure you'll understand the point!)

Does any of that help?

Within a couple of days, he'd sent me a reply:

Thanks GB.

I feel you may have misunderstood my original email. Or maybe I didn't explain myself properly. I mean, it's crystal clear to me why I want a boyfriend - I want someone to grow old with. Perhaps I should have called my original email "Finding a life parter" rather than "Finding a boyfriend." Would that make more sense?

To me, being attached to someone emotionally is not a conscious decision LOL. It's not like I can DECIDE that I am going to have good chemistry with someone because they are good looking and therefore I am supposed to be attracted to them LOL. Or because they are a good shag. Or because it's convenient or comfortable. The way I realise that I am emotionally attached to someone is when I feel the desire to be around them - because it hurts otherwise. Have you ever had a feeling that you just wanted to BE with someone? I mean, just BE with them and spend time together but not necessarily have sex? I begin to find that many guys simply cannot comprehend the concept.

I have to admit I was a little taken aback when you implied that no one is ever good enough for me. Well, maybe you are right. But please believe me that I am not looking for a super human. Far from that. I am certainly not a super human myself LOL. Yes, I consider myself intelligent, educated, happy and loyal, well raised and travelled with goals in life. Mums love me LOL. I can appreciate fine dining and a good bottle of wine, but I am equally happy with a burrito or fried chicken for dinner. Maybe that's why I've never had a six pack LOL. I can also be a bit lazy and sleep until 11am if I don't set my alarm clock. And when I went on a 4-week road trip across the US I didn't shower for 2-3 days a few times and I was as happy as ever LOL. Plus I am hopeless in the kitchen. The last time I invited friends for dinner I got a pre-cooked meal from M&S and I managed to burn it! Must have been the oven's fault, obviously! ;)

Ok, I guess I am not selling myself particularly well here LOL, but that's not the point. The point 't is that I don't feel like I have a long list of requirements that I am looking for in my future partner - because I can't offer one either. Honestly, I couldn't care less about their professional or ethnic background, or even about their body type - unless they are obese LOL. I also don't think that we necessarily need to share the same interests and hobbies. Quite the contrary - I like relationships where people are different so they can learn from each other and explore together. On the other hand - confidence, drive, intelligence and natural, down to earth common sense are certainly some of the traits that I am intuitively attracted to - even without realising it. Yes, often times they tend to translate to professional success, but I view that as a by-product (or a result) of what attracts me in the first place.

As an example - consider the guy I met in Austria during my work placement there. He was shorter than me with thinning hair and a beer belly. Yet he made me cry. But the South African lawyer in London? Good looking, tall and fit - and I didn't feel a thing. I had exactly ZERO desire to see him again. Does this mean that there was something wrong with me? Was I having high standards or being too picky? Because I wasn't attracted to a good looking guy? So how do I explain falling for a shorter guy with a beer belly? Is that high standards too? Physically he was almost everything I would normally describe as off-putting. Could it be that there was something about their personalities and/or the way how they conducted themselves that made all the difference? Again, NONE of this was a conscious decision on my part. It's not like I DECIDED to have chemistry with one guy and not the other lol. It was an intuitive, subconscious, automatic reaction that grew on me for a few hours/days that I spent with them. I mean, how do you make a conscious decision to cry? Or get sweaty hands and heart stuck in throat?

So... how do I get that again? I like your advice that I should build a social circle of gay friends and join a few gay social groups. Do you mean some of those sport clubs like swimming or badminton? Please don't try to lure me into running! I would die before I finish the first half a mile LOL. Would you be able to suggest a few links please?

Thanks

It was the line in the reader's first email where he wrote "I would rather keep renting until I find a place that I KNOW is perfect for ME" that made me wonder about whether he's the type of gay guy who's always thinks that the next guy might be better.

In any case, having reread the emails this morning, I'm convinced that finding sports or social gay groups would be a good thing for this reader to do. A quick google search found the Time Out list of gay sports clubs in London, so hopefully there's something there that appeals to him :-).

But do any other readers have any thoughts that might help him?