Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The gaydar advantage

I was about to leave a comment on The Muscler's recent post about online dating when I suddenly realised that it would be much better to post my thoughts here instead. The Muscler wants a boyfriend, and not having found one at bars and gyms, he's going to try online. He writes
... most people would say that finding a decent boyfriend/husband via a gay chat website is impossible
and I think he's right that people think that sites like gaydar are just for sex. However, if he approaches it in the right way I think he'll be successful. Indeed, I seem to find all my boyfriends that way!

The initial focus of meeting a guy from these web sites will be for sex of course, and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact that's the key. It's what happens after the sex that's important. To be successful in finding boyfriends this way, it's important to understand the "There's something about Mary" effect. The point is that once you've both unloaded, it's sometimes possible to have very genuine conversations. Whenever that happens, and if I get on well with the guy too, I always wonder whether a deeper friendship or relationship might be possible. Of course it often turns out that the guy is unavailable for whatever reason, for example he may already have a boyfriend and be the type of guy who thinks that one boyfriend is enough. Occasionally though, one finds a nice guy who is available, and then it is possible to develop things further.

By comparison, I really hate idea of formal dating. The "Oh, and what do you do for a living?" kind of conversations that one has on first dates are so DULL. Much better to short circuit the process with some enjoyable activities, get to know the real guy at precisely the moment when he doesn't have anything to hide, and take things from there!


Anonymous said...

This was a useful post. You're right that it's in those delicate moments after orgasm, potentially before starting again, that you can fall for someone.

I spent so much time as a younger man thinking dates were the way forward. They're not. They're artificial and contrived.

Dinner parties work though if one has enough gay friends :o)


Monty said...

I agree GB, the overwhelming view is that Gaydar (for example) is just for sex, and whilst I've certainly got lots of sex from guys I've met on Gaydar, I've also made some good friends there. I also met McBrad via Gaydar and looks what's happened! I'm now blissfully in love with the most gorgeous man in the world!!! It is simply about attitude - you can use Gaydar simply for sex, you can use it to meet guys for friendship, you can use it to (hopefully) meet Mr Right. What you say in your profile will to a large degree determine what you get out of it. :-)

oh, and dinner parties do work too!

Anonymous said...

"... he may already have a boyfriend and be the type of guy who thinks that one boyfriend is enough."

If he's in bed with you, is one boyfriend really enough? Maybe one boyfriend is ENOUGH! However, he could be an ethical slut - my kinda guy.

Ken Skinner said...

Simple old truth: if you go out looking for love you'll never find it. The number of times I've seen people go out to 'find a boyfriend'... (almost) always ends in disaster. That kind of search is basically egocentric and selfish. You're out there looking because it's something *you* want to have or because you have so much love that *you* want to give to someone. It's rarely about the other person. It's all about you.

Most of the time true love comes about when you accidentally find someone that you're compatible with, ie when you're not *looking*, you're just *doing* what you usually do, day in, day out and *bam* there he is. You start off travelling in parallel. The trick to longevity is figuring out how to keep travelling in parallel without losing too much of yourself.

Now, I don't see anything wrong with playing the numbers game and putting yourself out there, but to expect more of a situation than what it is... that's madness.

David said...

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for using technology but I find myself really uncomfortable explaining how we met to straight people (namely my parents).

[Over Dinner]
Mom: So how did you and Markus meet?
David: [looks awkwardly at Markus] Um... on the internet.
Father: Oh like a dating site? I keep getting these offers in my junk mail: "Meet the love of your life bla bla bla."
Markus: Yeah something like that but for gay people.
Mom: Oh so thats why you spend so much time on that macbook of yours... Your damaging your eyes you know, look how dark they are. I'll get you my YSL Anti-Cernes, I got an extra one you see...

Sorry I strayed off topic a bit :P
but you get the idea. Even though my parents are cool about it its a bloody annoying situation when people ask.
At the end of the day however Id rather find someone of the internet than not have anyone to have dinner with my parents.

GB said...

Glad you agree with me glhairyfxxker and Monty :-).

Indeed, bonemarrow, an Ethical Slut is my kinda guy too!

I reckon you're comments are brilliant Kenski, I'd never thought about how selfish guys are when they're boyfriend hunting. You're also quite right that meeting guys from gaydar (or similar) is all about playing the numbers game, but one does need to be open to the possibilities.

LOL David, I loved the way you wrote that dinner conversation, so are you going to become a blogger?

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

Hey GB,

I smiled when I read your last para. I wondered if you felt that way when we first met. ;)

GB said...

On the contrary DL, I really really enjoyed the supper we had together last year :-). But of course, that wasn't a date (in the 'shall we become boyfriends' sense)!

GB xxx