Friday, December 30, 2005

Sage interviews Gay Banker

A few days ago, I spotted one gay blogger (Sage) interviewing another gay blogger (Atari_Age) via blog. Sage put the questions on his blog, and Atari_Age posted the answers on his. Perhaps someone could let me know whether this kind of online blog-oriented interview is new, or whether it's been around for a while? I've certainly never seen it done before.

What kind of questions would Sage ask me if I took him up on his offer to interview other bloggers? Anyone who's read my blog for a while will know that I'm the kind of guy who jumps into things both feet first to find out what something is all about, so I left a comment on Sage's blog volunteering to be interviewed. Within 24 hours he'd done his research and devised five interview questions tailor made for me.

When I first read the questions, I was struck by how thoughtful they were. Perhaps I can return the favour to someone? If any other blogger wants me to interview them according to the same rules, please let me know and I'll devise some questions.

Anyway, here are my answers to Sage's interview questions:

Question 1. Beyond the original incident, how did your causal encounter hobby become a regular activity??

The internet is to blame! Although it wasn't responsible for the original incident, the internet is certainly responsible for making it easy for gay guys to find casual sexual partners. Without the internet I would never have been able to meet so many guys without boyfriend number 1 finding out. The original incident reminded me how much I enjoyed the adventure of finding no-strings sex, but the internet made it possible for me to do it on a regular basis.

While I'm on this subject, I went for a coffee with a friend yesterday, a gay guy in his early 30's who came out about three or four years ago. Although he doesn't know about my casual encounter hobby, or this blog, we often seem to talk about sex and the internet.

"Without the gaydar chat rooms I wouldn't have a sex life", he said.

I laughed. "How many guys a month do you meet then?" I asked, although I could make a pretty good guess.

"Hmmm", he says thinking, "at least ten a month, at least!"

By those standards, I'm relatively chaste.

Question 2. When did you first know that you were in love with boyfriend number 1?

I guess this is where I divulge a bit about my relationship with boyfriend number 1. If you read this entire blog, you'd find out very little about him. Of course that's partly by definition (this blog is called "Things I can't tell boyfriend number 1"), but it's also because I originally thought that my relationship with boyfriend number wasn't for public consumption. I guess that idea got discarded last summer when I went on holiday with boyfriend number 2.

Remembering back to 1989 when we first got together, it was him who proposed to me. At the time I wasn't sure about having a relationship with him, so I certainly wasn't originally in love with him at the start. But over the following few years he became the most important part of my life, so my love developed gradually over that period. Of course I still love him, which is why it'll be very difficult for me if we end up separating now that he knows what I get up to.

Question 3. Your first sexual experience--was it with a man or a woman?

I'm a pure homo! Never had sex with a woman, don't think I ever will. Some gay guys (like Boyfriend number 1) have lots of female friends, but I always feel more comfortable in the company of other men, gay or straight.

It took me a while to have my first sexual experience though. I wrestled with my sexuality while I was at university because I didn't want to be gay. I had a couple of dates with women, but they were hopeless failures. After I left university I gradually realised the truth, had sex with a guy, and never really looked back.

4. How did you come to have a career in investment banking?

I guess there are some lucky people who, when they're children, know what they want to be when they grow up and work to fulfill their dreams. But I had no idea. Then one day while I was in my last year at university, I got talking to a friend who left university the previous year, and had started work for a stockbroker in the City of London.

"It's good in the City at the moment GB", he said, "I'll get you an interview at the firm I work for if you're interested".

Out of curiosity I took him up on the offer of an interview, and although I didn't get a job with that particular firm, I saw some attraction to working in finance. So I did my homework to learn more about it, applied for graduate jobs at as many suitable firms as I could find, and ended up getting myself a job at an investment bank. I've never regretted my decision and still (usually) enjoy the work :-)

5. Lastly, what advice would you give to a newly married, or civil unioned(?), gay couple?

A very good question given that I live in the UK, because since last week it has been possible for same-sex couples in the UK to have civil unions. Civil unions essentially give gay couples the same rights and responsibilities that a marriage gives heterosexual couples.

Looking at my relationship with boyfriend number 1, I wish I'd been more honest with him. But I reckon the hardest thing about honesty isn't just being truthful to one's partner - it's being truthful with oneself. Coming out as gay is one of the classic situations where a lot of people are initially not honest with themselves, which is why the first step of coming out to oneself can be the hardest.

In the mid 1990's when my causal encounter hobby began I don't think I was being honest with myself. "Occasionally I can meet a guy for some no-strings sex and boyfriend number 1 need never know". But ten years later when we hit a rocky patch it all comes out. Perhaps honesty isn't quite the right word but it's close, I think I was just deluding myself that there would be no consequences. It's very easy to believe something that you want to believe, but that doesn't make it true.

So to keep a relationship strong, my advice would be to try and be honest first with yourselves, and secondly with each other. Keep communicating. It's not easy. In spite of my current situation, most of the time my relationship with boyfriend number 1 has been wonderful.

PS: thanks to Sage for posing me such good questions.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

A brief chat with boyfriend number 3

Last week I spot boyfriend number 3 in one of the gaydar chat rooms so I have a brief conversation with him.

GB: Hi how's u?
bf#3: fine ta, thx for asking
GB: so where u spending christmas?
bf#3: I'll be at my mother's but back in the city early next week

We chat about a couple of things and then I ask him what he's been up to on gaydar

bf#3: but u can't ask me that, it's personal!
GB: awww, surely u can tell me can't u, I won't let ur mother know!

There's a slight pause but then he gives in

bf#3: met a banker in his computer room and he came in seconds
GB: you're saying that you met a banker, and had it off with him in a computer room??
bf#3: yes...he came too quickly ..partly i think cos a cleaner was vacuuming on the same floor...think he was petrified
GB: LOL, v horny though!!
bf#3: yes very
GB: seeing him again?
bf#3: seen him a few times yes, once in a hotel in waterloo
GB: u get around don't u!
bf#3: lol just trying to keep up with you

What cheek! It's a strange co-incidence though because I also had a bit of fun with a guy in a computer room recently, although the guy wasn't a banker.

We provisionally arrange to get together face to face for a drink in the week before New Year. If we manage to meet up it'll be nice to see him again.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Some welcome relief from Christmas shopping

A couple of weeks ago on Saturday, I'm in Oxford Street in central London shopping for a Christmas present for boyfriend number 1. After more than an hour battling the crowds, I decide to take a break in an internet cafe. So I buy myself a double expresso and log into gaydar to see if I can find anyone nearby for a bit of light relief.

After ten minutes poking around the who's online list and various chat rooms, I start a conversation with a guy who's not too far away

GB: hi there, how's you?
guy: fine, u?
GB: christmas shopping!
guy: lucky u, im at work
GB: on a Saturday?
guy: yyy unfort, but got to catch up and im horny as hell
GB: we're all horny here m8! Can u accom?

It's a simple question but he takes a long time answering.

guy: no sorry m8, can u?
GB: not really m8 I'm in an internet cafe!
guy: pity, really need to unload

But an empty office on a Saturday near Christmas sounds ideal to me.

GB: you sure you can't accom m8, surely there's no one else in the office with u, isn't there a meeting room or something we could use?
guy: would have been ok an hour ago but security guard here now :-(
GB: so what, just tell him you're gonna have a visitor

Another long pause.

guy: could work

Ah-ha, got him! Given that he's horny he'll find it hard to resist the idea now!! But how to make it happen? I have an idea

GB: I'm gonna run out of time soon here m8, u got a mobile phone number I can call u on?

It works. He gives me his mobile number so I give him a call to sort out the details. 5 minutes later I'm on my way. He's going to come outside to meet me, then we'll enter the building together and he'll take me past the security guard as an old friend of his. When I get to the building I call him to tell him I'm outside, and within a minute he comes out.

"Hi there", he says a bit sheepishly, "ready?"

He's got a friendly face. I have the impression that he hasn't met any guys like this in his office before. We go into the building and in spite of all the worrying about the security guard he's nowhere to be seen so we head downstairs. In case the guard can hear us, I try to make conversation as though I've known him for ages.

"So have you got all your Christmas shopping done yet?"

Before he can answer he's used a security pass to take me into one of the rooms in the basement. The heating must be off because it's quite cold. Not ideal given that we're going to be getting our kit off.

"Where do you want me then?" I say. But he's still thinking about where to go.

"I doubt he'll come down here", he says quietly, "but just in case, we'll go in there".

He nods towards a door on the other side of the room which is locked by a device with a keypad on it.

"Well I hope it's warmer in there than it is in here", I joke with him.

"Should be, it's our computer room."

He heads over to the door and punches in the passcode. As promised it's quite warm, thanks no doubt to all the computers humming away. He looks at me and smiles. I put my coat on a pile of cardboard boxes and smile back at him, putting my hand on his shoulder. But he doesn't need any encouragement, he grabs my crotch!

"Come on", he says friskily, "let's get away from the door and go down one of the aisles."

I can't help thinking the situation is a bit bizarre. This is an important company, and he's just taken me into probably the most secure room in the building when he only met me online 30 minutes ago.

Gradually we shed our clothes and start to enjoy each others company. He's a good kisser. We don't rush, but none the less a few minutes later I've got an important question for him.

"Errr, can we make a mess on the floor?"

"Not really", he says anxiously, "but don't worry, I've got some tissues."

Somehow we manage to work it out! Very enjoyable. Afterwards we make small talk as we put our clothes back on.

"Good stuff", he says, "I feel much better now".

"Have you ever had any guys from gaydar in here before?"

"No I haven't actually. And now I'm never going to think about this aisle in the same way again."

I wouldn't look too closely either mate. I think a close inspection will reveal that there weren't quite enough tissues!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Another visit to my local cock sucker

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Friday, December 16, 2005

Is a How I Told Them forum a good idea?

Yesterday I got the following e-mail:

Dear Friend,

We've read your blog and we are seeking submissions to our new blog, How I Told Them ( ). The mission of our blog is to be a forum where gay people and others can share their story—as a catharsis, or in the attempt to ease the process for those who are waiting to come out. We hope to provide insight and perspective to a group who desperately need it.

Many thanks. We hope you will consider submitting, and we encourage you to keep checking our blog as it evolves and grows.

Please also consider linking us on your blog.

The How I Told Them Team

but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I try to avoid angst as much as possible and it sounds as though this is going to be an angst central. I also don't like the idea of submitting by e-mail and having my e-mail edited before publication. A better idea might be for web site that just has links to the coming out stories of gay bloggers. At least then, interested readers would be able to get a good picture of what the end result of coming out had been for that person, by reading all their other blog entries.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A weekend away with boyfriend number 1

A week and a half ago we decided to have a break outside London together. Although we'd been away with my sister and her family in the summer, and to a straight wedding together in September, this would be the first time that we'd been away on our own since I came back from the holiday with boyfriend number 2.

We got on reasonably well, but unfortunately there was an incident which annoyed boyfriend number 1, which he told me about once we were back in London.

"You know when you were away in the hotel lobby checking your e-mails this morning", he says while we're watching television together in the evening.

"Yes?", I reply, not paying much attention.

"I had to silence an alarm in your electronic organiser. It was an alarm to remind you to send boyfriend number 2 a christmas card!"

Damm! Why did that have to happen on our first trip away together? It must have been in 2004 the last time that he needed to silence an alarm in my PDA. It's the worst possible luck.

I'm not sure how to avoid that kind of thing either, because I rely on my PDA for loads of stuff like that. Watching his reaction to this incident, the more I think that a non-monagamous relationship won't suit him :-(

Monday, December 12, 2005

Is monogamy your seatbelt through life?

[Update 5-Apr-2006: unfortunately the links below to jjd's postings about monogamy are not currently working. But both comments which jjd left to this posting are still available. ]

In a comment to my posting on Monogamy and infidelity, jjd asked for my opinion on the ideas he posted in The Empire on Monogamy and Tuesday's (random!) Observations. His “Monogamy: It's your seatbelt through life!” motto is very clever. I half disagree, and half agree with him.

My disagreement relates to my belief that society imposes the monogamy concept on us from an early age. As I said before, this worked well for heterosexual society when life expectancy was low, but in the modern world I think it’s unrealistic. Somehow we need to evolve into a society where relationships are more flexible, and where children can be brought up with corresponding expectations of adult life.

My agreement relates to the fact that none of us were brought up in a world where more flexible relationships are expected. So loads of us expect to have monogamous relationships because that's what we've been taught. It's entirely analogous to the difficult experiences a lot of us have coming out as gay, because one has to admit that what one thought about something very important isn't true. jjd's comments that monogamy “prevents jealousy, insecurity and hurt feelings of your loved one” ring very true to me because that's what boyfriend number 1 has been experiencing since I told him that I'd been on holiday with boyfriend number 2. But these hurt feelings only exist because of what he was brought up to believe a relationship should be.

jjd also says that he’s talked to adulterous people in the past who've said to him “jjd, you've never heard of SAFE SEX?”. No surprises of course that I’m one of these people (see the comments to my posting Statement on the accuracy of the postings in this blog). My view is that in the real world the statement “the only SAFE SEX is abstinence” isn’t very useful because everything we do has risks associated with it.

For example, I found a table titled “Risk of Death from Various Recreational Drugs Compared to Other Activities” at I believe that gay safe sex practices reduce the risk of contracting HIV to the very low level, if not lower, which according to the table is the same likelihood as death from falling out of bed. Simply being alive involves accepting so many risks at this kind of level, it’s just not possible to worry about them at such low risk levels if you want to lead a normal life.

jjd also mentions the term polyamorous. Whatever it means it must apply to me because I’m in love with loads of guys. I’m not afraid to use the word love in this context because the phrase emotional attachment seems a bit weak. Obviously I’m in love with all the guys I call boyfriends in this blog, but I’m also still in love with some ex-boyfriends from before I got to know boyfriend number 1, as well as some straight male university friends of mine. I love some guys more than others of course, but I can immediately think of eight guys where I would feel comfortable using the term love.

I reckon the fact that there are no women on the list is one of the things which defines my sexuality. After I left university, it was the reaslisation that I kept falling in love with my male friends that eventually prompted me to come out as gay.

Are there any other guys out there who, like me, reckon they’re in love with loads of guys at the same time?

Saturday, December 10, 2005

A visit to my local cock sucker

A couple of weeks ago on Sunday, a guy contacts me on gaydar who likes sucking cock. Can he suck me? I do enjoy being serviced like that so I agree to visit him. As luck would have it he works quite close to me and we'll be able to use his office, so I agree to visit him at work one day soon.

The next day it's Monday so I send him a txt msg.

GB: Hi, we chatted on gaydar yesterday, would love to have you 'sort me out'. I sent you a pic yesterday eve, when can I visit?
Cock sucker: Am not at work 2day. Hows about 2mrw?
GB: ok sure, looking fwd to it m8
Cock sucker: Kewl. C u 2mrw then. Don’t toss off 2day or 2nite as I want a full load m8

Hmm, I think, he's quite keen on this activity isn't he!

GB: LOL OK I’ll try not to! Can do any time 2moz after 9.30am so when do you want me?
Cock sucker: Say lunchtime, 1pm ish with a full load year so keep yor hands off it! Will text 2mrw
GB: gr8
Cock sucker: One question, r u safe 2 swallow
GB: Had FULL check up only last month, all results negative as expected so I reckon I am safe to swallow :-)
Cock sucker: Kewl. can’t wait 2 get u naked. Don’t shoot yor load 2nite feed me every drop 2mrw when u face fuk me and force me 2 swallow.

Hmm I was wrong, I think, he's very keen on this activity. The next day I get a txt msg in the morning as expected

Cock sucker: Hi m8. Hope yor balls r a hummin and aching 2 unload? Did u spunk yesterday?
GB: no I didn't, saving it all 4 u m8 :-)
Cock sucker: Now that’s what I like 2 hear. I am hungry already.

He tells me that I can visit lunchtime around 1pm, like he suggested yesterday, but then we have to use a cubicle in some quiet toilets in the building he works in. Or if I visit around 5pm his office will be empty and we can use that. I had some fun with a guy in a toilet cubicle in his office block back in May, and at the time I can remember thinking it wasn't that comfortable.

GB: I'll hold it in till 5, I think your office sounds more fun
Cock sucker: OK. No whacking off in toilets at work. Do play wiv yorself 2 get u real horny with a big load. Fuk cant wait 2 suk yor dik and c yor jiz hit my mouth and face.

This guy has a way with words that I find very entertaining and I'm definitely looking forward to meeting him!

Around 4.45pm I get another txt from him to say it's all clear, so I make my excuses at work. I don't feel too guilty leaving early because I usually work late. After a 5 minute walk I'm at his office block. He meets me just outside.

"All ready for me then?" he says smiling, and licking his lips. "We can just walk past the guy on reception since I'm here with you, no need to sign in".

Face to face he doesn't look anything like the photo he'd sent me when we chatted on gaydar. But he doesn't look any worse than the photo so I don't feel misled. He's got quite a tough looking face, and I find it hard to believe that I'm about to be serviced by this guy.

The building is quite old, full of winding corridors, with many different types of businesses occupying one or two rooms. Eventually we reach his office and he lets me in.

"We can do it in there, where it's warmer but where we'll need to keep quiet", he says, pointing to a door on the right, "or in there where its not quite as warm, but where we can't be overheard".

I opt for the room on the left where we can't be overheard. I follow him in and we both strip off. I'm almost completely naked when he comes over and feels me through my undershorts.

"May as well take those off too", he murmurs appreciatively.

I end up sitting in one of the swivel office chairs with my legs wide apart, while he kneels down in front of me. As I reach the conclusion, I'm glad I opted for the room where I don't need to be quiet!

Very satisfactory. Since we work so close to each other, maybe I'll visit him again.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Monogamy and infidelity

There’s been a bit of discussion about infidelity recently, e.g. in Joe’s Blog and DL’s Blog. Thinking about this from an historical perspective, several centuries ago when a man in his 40’s was in his old age, heterosexual society was probably quite well served by monogamy and fidelity.

But over the last few hundred years, life expectancy in the world’s successful economies has risen substantially. In the harsh world of our ancestors, the majority of the population had little security so there was a constant focus on survival and no time to get ‘bored’ with one’s partner. No doubt infidelity was common, but a moral code which focused on sticking with one’s partner to raise the next generation makes sense in that context.

The issue of monogamy must be one of the less important relics of our history when there are still major religious wars in progress. But perhaps it is one of the issues that effects the day to day lives or more people in the blogging world, given that we are lucky enough to have the time and freedom to think about these issues.

There are similarities to what it is like for people to come out as gay. Everyone is brought up to be heterosexual, so it’s usually difficult to decide that one is homosexual instead. Similarly society still pretends that people should be monogamous, when the extended lifespan we enjoy in the modern world makes this ridiculous. Monogamy then is just another dangerous lie that we’re all brought up to believe in. Realistic expectations of what we can all expect from our adult relationships would be much more helpful.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

An enjoyable session with a mediterranean guy

Gyms are such horny places. Loads of beautiful bodies, sweating to make themselves even more beautiful. And as a gay man, the gym changing rooms are even hornier because one gets to see some of these beautiful bodies naked and moist in the showers :-). Why did the gym I go to close the sauna in the men's changing rooms? At least when it was open it was a good outlet for all the natural horny feelings that gay men get in this situation.

So without the gym sauna any more, last Sunday I return from the gym feeling horny and log on to gaydar to see what I can find there. Boyfriend number 1 is out shopping which is convenient because it means I won't have to make an excuse to leave the house if I find someone to visit. Sunday afternoon is often quite a busy time so with a bit of luck something will materialise.

Sure enough, I spot a guy who I almost visited a week or two ago in one of the chat rooms, so I start a conversation with him

GB: hi m8, busy?
guy: not at mom
GB: I think we spoke a week or two ago
guy: could be

How come guys on gaydar often seem to have such bad memories? I guess it’s part of the “whatever, am I bothered?” society we seem to live in these days. We chat for a while and it turns out we’re both horny. What a surprise, seeing that we’re both logged into the chat rooms! He sends me some pics, but they’re only erect cock pics.

GB: Any face pics m8?
guy: no sorry
GB: so what do you look like
guy: slim, mediterranean build

Sounds great, if he’s telling the truth.

GB: sounds good, do you have a mobile phone number I can call you on?
guy: don’t give out my mobile number, sry
GB: why not?
guy: don’t want to get myself into any difficult situations

I give him my mobile number, and tell him that I’ve never really had a problem giving it out. But he won’t budge, damm! No face pic, no way of contacting him, I’ll be compromising my guidelines too much if I visit him. Of course the problem when one’s feeling horny is that it’s not the brain which is controlling the situation. So I continue to chat to him and eventually I get his address and set off to visit him!

In defence of the actions taken by the trouser department, I had chatted to him before. Somehow if a guy tells you the same thing on two separate occasions, they’re more likely to be reliable, especially if they don’t remember chatting to you the first time.

I manage to find his apartment easily and ring the doorbell. Just as it gets to the point when I’m starting to worry because no one’s answering, a guy wearing glasses opens the front door. Instantly I’m glad I took the risk to visit him. He is a cute, slim Mediterranean guy, just as he said he was.

“Where do you want me”, I say to him smiling. He looks me up and down and smiles back. “Lets go to my bedroom”. He’s got a slight foreign accent, but his English seems pretty good. Before I can even sit down on the bed to take my shoes off, he kisses me. Nice.

“Why don’t I take my shoes and socks off”, I say helpfully. While I’m taking my shoes, socks, shirt, trousers off, he strips off too. Soon we’re both just wearing our undershorts. While he’s placing his glasses on the shelf, I walk up to him from behind and rub his bare chest from behind. He murmurs appreciatively and puts his hand on mine.

After a bit of kissing and cuddling standing up, we move over to the bed.

“Do you live here alone?” I ask.

“I’ve got a flatmate but he’ll be at work all afternoon, don’t worry.”

Initially he seems to be in a bit of a hurry, but I’m mistaken.

“Leave that alone for now”, he says after a few minutes, “I don’t want to cum just yet!”

After that I take my time. But about 5 minutes later my mobile phone suddenly rings. It must be boyfriend number 1 phoning from home, back from shopping and wondering where I am. Never mind, I’m enjoying myself too much at the moment to answer it.

“Don’t worry”, I say, “let’s ignore it”.

Of course the problem with mobile phones is that if you don’t answer them and the caller leaves a voicemail, then the voicemail keeps phoning you back! None the less we manage to ignore the original and subsequent calls and before too long we both end up reaching a highly satisfactory conclusion.

I don’t hang around too long afterwards. But I think we both enjoyed the encounter, so I’ll keep a lookout for him online.