Friday, August 26, 2005

On holiday in Europe

It's very early on Friday morning and I'm off on holiday. Myself and boyfriend number 1 are going to Europe with my sister, her husband, and their two kids. Postings to this blog may not be possible for a couple of weeks.

A visit to Paddington after work

When two guys meet each other face to face as a result of first meeting on gaydar, what’s the average time between their first online contact and seeing each other in the flesh? I’ve never worked it out accurately, but for me it feels like around 80% of meetings occur within 3 hours of first contact. Last Wednesday was one of the few that had a much longer gestation period.

Gaydar has two main methods of communication – the chat rooms where communication is really instant, and the so-called online or instant messages which take several minutes (or longer) when both guys are online but wait for you if you’re offline. It usually takes longer to arrange things via instant messages.

I’d been communicating for a while with a guy in Paddington via instant messages. I’m not sure how he found me, and we never seemed to be logged on at the same time, so it took over a week to get to the point where I asked him for his postcode (so I can look him up on and his mobile phone number. Then there was the problem of co-ordinating our diaries, but finally last Wednesday it seems like the meeting is going to happen after work.

Wednesday lunchtime I send him a txt msg to check he still wants to meet, and to find out his exact address. I get the reply quite quickly, he’ll meet me at the tube. But then I get another txt msg,

text me when you get to paddington i will come and meet you and dont mean to be rude but your not rent are you?

I wish! Of course, I am happy being the age I am but I enjoy life so if I was young enough to be rent I’d have more of it to look forward to!! Even though I know he’s in his 40’s, for some reason he must be new to this so I send a simple reply to re-assure him

No, I’m not rent LOL! See you later, GB

Again I get the reply quickly

ok just got a little worried a i have never done this before see you later

So, he’s never done this before? What does he mean? Most likely is that he’s new to online cruising, although there is a small possibility that he’s been married and that didn’t work out because he finally admitted to himself he’s gay. I guess I’ll have to work out which later.

When I meet him, as soon as he opens his mouth I decide that he’s got a slight camp twang to his voice. Almost inperceptible to the untrained ear, but it’s clear to me that if he’s been living a life pretending that he’s not gay then he’s been deceiving himself for ages!

“So you’ve never done this before?” I ask.

“Well I’ve had a couple of long term relationships, but I haven’t been on gaydar for very long. Sorry about the question earlier, I was just panicing pointlessly!”

So I've got my answer, he’s simply new to gaydar. He’s a nice guy and we have a satisfactory session. Afterwards we lie on the bed and cuddle. He’s a civil servant working for Camden council, and it’s clear that he likes travelling. He’s going to visit a friend near Malaga in Spain next month, perhaps New York later in the year, and he’s got a holiday planned on the Siberian Express sometime next year too.

I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I really used to enjoy meeting guys for one-off sex-sessions like this. Although orgasms are enjoyable, from many other points of view I’m not enjoying this lifestyle that I’ve given myself. I don’t know how to resolve the situation with boyfriend number 1 (Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1), sometimes I think I’m being stupid risking my 16 year old relationship, and sometimes I think this lifestyle is a symptom of deep malaise. Perhaps the relationship counsellng which we’re going to have next month will help.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A rimming session on Saturday afternoon

Well m8 the last time you came round you hadn’t washed your arse :-(

It’s Saturday afternoon on gaydar. A guy had contacted me and when I looked at his photo he looked a bit familiar, but I didn’t recognise his profile name. He’s interested in me visiting him so he can rim me. But he suddenly implies that I visited him before. Honestly, am I meant to remember everyone I meet?

I look at his photo again and I remember. It’s the cute deaf guy (Sunday afternoon session with a deaf gay slapper). I now recall that on that occasion too he had wanted to rim me. I had stripped, and bent over on his bed, but nothing happened. I had turned round to see what he was doing and he was just looking at me, distinctly unhappy. I had reached out to touch him, and we ended up having what for me was an enjoyable wank session. But I guess the guy had wanted more.

While I’m telling the guy that I do remember him, I start to get concerned with my personal hygiene. This is the second guy in a month who has queried my cleanliness (An encounter with a nervous guy in Spitalfields). And on holiday in Asia, boyfriend number 2 had thought that I didn’t shower enough, although he said it was because I lived in a cool climate so I wasn’t any worse than other northern Europeans he knew.

The fact is that I’ve never seen the attraction of rimming, so I’ve never though about it from the point of view of the guys that like it. A shitty proposition must be quite unwelcome for most of them (though no doubt even here there are some guys who would disagree).

Eventually I ask

Sorry about my previous visit, can I visit you again if I wash thoroughly?

He agrees to let me visit him again so I decide to have a full shower. I’m not going do things by halves now that issues with my cleanliness have been brought to my attention!

When I arrive I whip my t-shirt off as soon as I’m inside the door. He tweaks my nipples and I smile at him. I must remember that he can’t hear me. When I get naked he gets me to bend over and gradually shoves his face right into my arse. I guess I pass the cleanliness test. We play around and both reach a satisfactory conclusion.

It’s still not clear to me though why some guys enjoy rimming.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A lunchtime visit to R in Greenwich

A week ago, I spotted R logged into gaydar at the same time as me. When I met him before (An encounter with a nervous guy in Spitalfields) he was too nervous to tell me his real name, but will he tell me his real name now? I open up a chat window with him and pop the question. It takes a bit of coaxing but finally he comes up with a plausible name. I decide that I’ll carry on calling him R anyway, but it’s nice to know that he now trusts me enough to tell me his name! And he seems happy that I contacted him.

R: So will you visit me at my apartment in Greenwich sometime?

That’s nice, he’d like to see me again.

Me: Could do, when would be convenient?

R: Either Monday or Thursday?

Me: Is Thursday lunchtime convenient? I might be able to take a long lunch break from work.

We agree that I’ll send him a txt msg on Thursday morning to confirm whether it’s possible or not.

R: Have you met many guys since I saw you?

What a cheeky question! Now I don’t have the sauna at the gym there are fewer opportunities for hooking up with other guys. In fact I’ve only met two guys since R (Some ‘no-strings’ fun on Saturday morning, Internet cruising and the wank-factor), so I decide it’s safe to tell the truth and not appear too slutty.

Me: Just a couple actually, u?

R: Three! But all of them were lousy lays so I won’t be seeing any of them again

That's nice too, I think. Since we've provisionally agreed to meet on Thursday he obviously doesn’t think I’m a ‘lousy lay’.

Thursday comes and it seems that I will be able to take a long lunch so I send him a txt msg. I get the response quite quickly.

R: Sure thing…what time did we say again?

Recalling the last time I saw him when he suspected (correctly!) that I hadn’t taken a shower, I txt him back

Me: OK great, I should be with u around 12:30 is that OK? GB xx PS I had a thorough shower this morning after the gym!

Again I get the response quite quickly

R: 12.30 is good and regarding your PS - that’ll do nicely :-) x

On my way to his apartment, I start to wonder whether I’m getting too involved with him. We get on very well with each other, but as I’m currently trying to patch up my relationship with boyfriend number 1 (Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1), I don’t need more complications.

When I arrive, he offers me a drink so I take some orange juice and we settle down on his sofa. He shows me some of his art work on his computer, and I spot his name as the licence owner of one of his software packages, so presumably he was telling the truth last weekend.

Soon we move into the bedroom and strip down to our underwear. We kiss and cuddle for a while, but while we're kissing he says

“Hmmm, you kiss with your eyes open!”

“Err, yes, sometimes :-)”

“You know, you can’t trust anyone who kisses with their eyes open.”

“I’ve never heard that”, I say, “and anyway, you must have your eyes open too to know that I’ve got my eyes open.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t count”, he says with a big grin, “I’ve only got my eyes open to check whether you’ve got your eyes open.”

He’s got a lovely firm body, and a lovely cock too. His body smells lovely. It’s quite a hot day so we get quite sweaty together. Afterwards I need a shower.

“You can have a bath”, he says, “unfortunately this flat doesn’t have a shower.”

He runs me a bath. It seems weird having a bath mid-day in a stranger’s flat. I can’t even remember the last time I had a bath, these days it’s almost all showers in the gym after workouts that keep me clean. As I get out of the bath he asks, "Can you pull back your foreskin so I can see your helmet?"

I duly oblige, "What’s the point of this", I ask, "I feel like I’m an exhibit in a zoo, or like a horse having it’s teeth inspected!"

"Oh I just like to know that my guys are clean". Although I’m confused, I don’t dig further. What can you tell by looking at a guy’s helmet?

While I’m waiting for my taxi to take me back to the office, he tells me a bit more about himself. It turns out that his first sexual experience was with one of his teachers at school. He used to visit the teacher’s home for some project work, and one day when the teacher’s wife was picking up the kids from school they took a break from the work, sat down to watch some TV, and the teacher put his hand on R’s knee.

“I couldn’t resist him”, he says, “he was a really hot guy, and in truth I’d fancied him for ages”.

“But he was your teacher”, I protest, “it’s a bit improper”.

“Yeah, but we both enjoyed it, nothing heavy anyway.”

Eventually my cab comes so I kiss him goodbye. “Perhaps we can do this again”, I say.

“Yes definitely”, he says, “Take care”.

Oh dear, I’m definitely getting too involved. I don’t seem to be learning any lessons from the boyfriend number 1 versus boyfriend number 2 situation!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Some ‘no-strings’ fun on Saturday morning

Last Saturday I’m logged into gaydar as usual when I get a very brief online message:

cum over
i'll suck you off

I consult the sender’s profile. Nice pics, quite a hunk. He lists his body type as ‘muscled’ and he claims he “likes to eat cock and arse” – what a nice way to say it! Conveniently I can tell he’s only half a mile away from me, no doubt that’s part of the reason he sent the message to me rather than anyone else. The idea of getting a blow job from a gorgeous muscled hunk is quite appealing so I reply,

Would love to cum over :-)
Where exactly r u, can you give me ur postcode so I can look it up on

He replies quite quickly with another very brief message, just his address and postcode. I work out where he is, and reply

ok great, we’re quite close :-)
I could get there in about 30 mins, is that any good? If you give me your mobile phone number I’ll phone you when I set off. By the way, my name is GB, u?”

It takes him a while to reply to this. Perhaps he doesn’t want to give me his mobile phone number, or perhaps the wank-factor is at work? His reply, when it comes, is very concise as usual

yeah cum over
lookin for straight forward suck off session, you cum i let you in, no conv, enjoy it
looking for no strings

No doubt he was working out how to phrase this message so as to convey everything with the minimum number of words, and with the right tone. I'd obviously been a bit too friendly asking for his name. Never mind, I don't need to know. I’m curious to see how this turns out if I actually manage to meet him so I accept his terms

but before I visit anyone I always phone the guy - i'll phone as I leave is that ok?
No need for conv when I arrive though

and I get his response quite quickly this time,


What did I expect, war and peace? I phone him when I'm on my way, "Hi, its GB, I think it'll take me about 10 minutes to get to you".

"OK sure". Silence.

"See you soon then", I say, "I'll phone if I get lost."

"Great", he says, pausing, "bye then".

I always like to phone before meeting a guy I've only ever 'typed' to on the internet. It helps to establish a rapport with the other guy, which I reckon is quite useful given that we're usually planning to do some quite intimate things with each other.

When I arrive, I buzz the apartment number. He doesn't ask who it is, I just get told "Come in, and take the lift to the fourth floor".

When I get up to the fourth floor I step out of the lift and there's a guy standing in a doorway along the corridor, beckoning me with his eyes. I walk towards him and I'm amazed. He's much more of a hunk that he was in the photos. All muscles, wearing shorts but no shirt. People normally put their best photos on their profile, perhaps he just hasn't bothered to update recently?

I walk into the tiny hallway and I can see a lounge and bedroom, both of which are nice and light, lovely views through lots of floor to ceiling glass. There's also a dark bathroom with no outside windows. "Where do you want me?" I ask.

He points into the dark bathroom. "Lets go in here". Although he's always seemed a bit distant with short messages on gaydar and an uneasy phone conversation, he's smiling at me. I'm wearing my gym kit so I whip my t-shirt and shorts off and I'm rearing to go.

Within three minutes it's all over. At the end, he was on his knees. Once he gets my deposit in his mouth he makes a mess all over his abdomen. Nice. I rinse my hands under his tap, wipe my hands on the towel he's offered me, and then pass it to him saying "I think you need this more than me mate". He laughs.

"Have a good day" he says as I'm leaving. I think he's got an Australian accent, although I can't be sure.

"Yeah, you too", I reply as I let myself out. Five minutes maximum inside his flat, I think that's probably some kind of record for me. You can't get much more 'no-strings' than that!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Wonderful Wankometer

Following last Friday’s posting (Internet cruising and the wank-factor), someone pointed out to me that The Wonderful Wankometer web site has a different definiton of wank-factor. On the wankometer web site, wank-factor is a number between 0 and 10, and the higher the number the more meaningless business drivel a particular web site or a paritcular piece of text contains. Just give the the wankometer some text or a web-site address and it calculates the wank-factor for you.

For example, curious as it may seem, the wankometer gives the following text a zero wank-factor:

I met a guy from gaydar for a mutual wank session

Each rating has a helpful description associated with it, less than 1/10 seems to be classified as 'low'. Moving up the scale, the text

I met a guy from gaydar and we discussed the benefits of customer satisfaction surveys

has a 1.33/10 wank-factor, and is classified as 'considerable'. (From my point of view of course, meeting someone from gaydar to discuss customer satisfaction surveys is completely absurd so this text deserves a much higher rating.) Slightly further up the scale, the text

Our aim is to develop synergies between the clients and solution providers

has a 4.17/10 wank-factor, and is classified as 'significant wank'. At the top end of the scale

The approach of our Private Equity team is aligned with the companany's signature: result driven, transparent and accessible. The investment focus is on all kinds of situations including business development.

has a 9.88/10 wank-factor with a classification 'utter wank', and the text

Microsoft Business Solutions automate and help improve financial, customer relationship, and supply chain management processes. Delivered through a network of Microsoft partners, these integrated, adaptable solutions work like and with familiar Microsoft software to streamline processes across an entire business

lifed from a Microsoft web page gets 11/10 with an 'off the scale' classification.

I find this concept quite amusing because as an investment banker, I work in an environment where some people take this kind of drivel too seriously.

So what's the wank-factor of this blog as a whole? Before I posted this piece about management wank the rating was a 'low' 0.72/10. The level has risen as a result of this post of course, but luckily the damage isn't too bad. In spite of all the sample drivel polluting this web site, the wank-factor is still only 0.90/10.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Internet cruising and the wank-factor

All regular users know that gaydar is just like Harold Macmillan’s number 19 London bus, nothing for ages and then three arrive at once. Which is a perfect description of what happened to me last weekend.

Last Saturday I’m logged into the gaydar chat rooms while doing some work. No one seems interested in me, but then suddenly three guys contact me in quick succession! Curiously, all of them are interested in watching me wank off in front of them. Am I the only exhibitionist in town today? Ahh well, it’s dirty work but someone has to do it.

In my experience there are two categories of guys who actively seek to be voyeurs. On the one hand there are the young guys who probably haven’t yet accepted that they're gay (e.g. A visit to a young voyeur in his home, and A visit to a young voyeur in a cheap London hotel). And on the other hand there are older guys who one might call “dirty old men” who know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it (e.g. My chance to be a rent boy). I prefer showing off for the younger category of voyeur because the older guys can sometimes be a bit creepy.

Of the three guys who contact me, one of them is too far away for me to visit them, so I end up chatting to the other two. I chat to them for a few minutes and work out that one of them fits into the young voyeur category, while the other is in the “dirty old men” category. The older guy seems quite keen for me to visit today, because his lodgers are away so the coast is clear, however I’m keener to visit the younger guy. But the younger guy is hard to pin down. Both of them give me their postcodes so I can look them up on and work out where the are, and both of them turn out to be less than two miles away which is fine.

One of the problems with internet cruising is what I call the wank-factor. Basically whatever the intentions of the guy at the start of the conversation, sometimes the thought of a meeting becomes too exciting and they end up wanking to orgasm! I’m sure that some of the guys that end up doing this don’t mean to do so at the start of the conversation, some of them probably don’t even have their pants down at the start of the conversation, but of course one of the pleasures of life is that sex shouldn’t be predictable. At any rate whatever the motives the outcome is the same, once they’ve cum they there’s a sudden change of heart.

Back to last Saturday and the younger guy has a sudden change of heart:

Sorry, can’t meet today, maybe another time, bibi

Since he gave me his post-code he probably wanted to meet up with me originally, so the most likely explanation for this behaviour is the wank-factor. Ahh well, too bad. Even though the conversation with the younger guy took about 15 mins I had managed to keep the older guy warm. So suddenly I tell the older guy

OK it turns out that I can visit you today, would it be OK if I arrive in 45 mins?

For whatever reason the guy needs an hour before I arrive which is fine, so it’s all arranged. I tell boyfriend number 1 that I’m going to the gym.

Everything goes according to plan. I arrive and strip down to my gym shorts. The guy gently rubs my nipples and soon he gropes me up my the leg of the shorts. I wonder why I enjoy this, but I definitely do! Next the guy takes my shorts down and I’m naked. Within ten minutes it’s all over, very satisfactory.

While the guy fetches me a towel to clean up, I look around the room at the photographs he’s got on his wall. I recognise the style and background of one of the photos. When he comes back with the towel I say

“You won’t believe this but we went to the same university!”

What a small world! In my enthusiasm with the coincidence I forget that my internet age is different to my real age and tell him that he must have left just one year before I arrived. If he notices he doesn’t say. We have a nice conversation about our university and our subsequent careers. By the time I say goodbye to him I find it hard to remember that only ten minutes previously I had cum in his face.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1

Since the first counselling session with boyfriend number 1, on the whole we’ve been getting on a bit better with each other. Although he lets me cuddle him in bed, he won’t cuddle me, which is a shame because I enjoy being cuddled.

We had an argument last Friday morning though, before I left for work. He used to be able to log in to my computer but after my holiday in Asia with boyfriend number 2 (Asia holiday 2005) I changed the password.

“I don’t like the fact that I can’t log on to your computer any more”, he says with an almost hateful look in his eye, “I know it’s because you’re getting e-mails from that guy in Singapore”. He can barely bring himself to get the words out.

Neither of us are on very good form and we gradually provoke each other, escalating the pointless argument. So after a few more angry sentences I end up saying “OK I think it’s best if we split up”. But I don’t really think that. When I get to work I phone him and we kind of patch it up.

He’s right of course. I am communicating with boyfriend number 2 with an occasional e-mail, or sometimes a conversation using MSN Messenger. There are also a few nude photos of boyfriend number 2 on the computer that are obviously for my eyes only!

A quick snack is the most common form of lunch for finance professionals in the City of London these days, but if there’s a day when one has a proper lunch it tends to be on Fridays. Since today is Friday I’ve arranged to see an old university friend for lunch. This guy is happily married with two children, and knows that I’ve been living with boyfriend number 1 longer than he’s known his wife. Over lunch, we chat about mutual friends.

“I think it’ll get more interesting from here on in”, I say.

“What on earth do you mean by that?” he asks.

“Well, with everyone we know it’s all been very predictable so far. We all graduated, got jobs, settled down. Over the next decade or two the scandals will start to emerge. Divorces and affairs on the personal front, and perhaps even mal-practise or fraud accusations on the profession front as the people we know become more senior.”

Of course I’m thinking about what’s been going on between myself and boyfriend number 1, which I don’t discuss with him. I’m also thinking about my neighbour (Divorce next door) who’s slightly older than us. However my friend has obviously thought about this before.

“Sure, we’ve all become settled”, he replies, “but the way I think about it, the issue is how much people want to un-settle themselves. Everyone has a choice about whether to take risks and get involved in the things your alluding to.”

He’s right of course. And I always wanted an interesting rather than a settled life! Reading my blog posting from February about my neighbour is spooky now. At the end I say

perhaps I'm starting to get close to the danger point with overseas surrogate boyfriends like P in Singapore

and now P is called boyfriend number 2!

Friday evening I go out with boyfriend number 1. We go and see a film, “Dear Wendy”, a very weird film which we both enjoy. Afterwards we have a pleasant snack supper together. And on the way home he tells me that the counselling sessions won’t be able to start until September, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Originally he’d been trying to get them started as soon as possible.

So although things are difficult sometimes, most of the time we’re getting on all right. I'm gradually starting to feel a bit happier about the situation too.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

A cruisey steam room in West London

Thanks to one of my readers for providing me with a suitable icon for a gay banker, which now appears on my profile.

The same guy also told me about the steam room in the men's changing rooms at his gym in West London, where full anal penetration has been seen. I've never seen anything close to that in the sauna in the men's changing rooms at my gym. Although I'm upset that the sauna at my gym is perhaps permanently out of action (Gym sauna "Closed for renovation"), the information I received today suggests that if I want really saucy gym stories I need to change gyms anyway!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Gym sauna "Closed for renovation" :-((

I've had a lot of fun in the sauna over the years but it might all be over. I go to visit the sauna after my usual Monday morning workout and there's a sign on it saying "Closed for renovation".

On my way out I ask how long its going to be out of order and get some bad news - perhaps permanently. I've wondered before whether a cruisey sauna is an asset or liability to a gym (Another new face in the gym sauna), and with a new manager at the gym since last June I guess things are under review.

Now, if gaydar were to be closed down for any reason I'll really be upset!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

An encounter with a nervous guy in Spitalfields

Last Saturday morning I log on to gaydar. I get chatting to a 29 year old guy called R who’s based in Spitalfields, although he also lists Balham and Birmingham as other places he frequents. His profile says ½-caucasian / ½-Pakistani and under profession it says ‘family business’, which gives me the impression that his family run a small shop of some sort.

“I’m got this flat in Spitalfields which I use at weekends”, he says.

“OK, shall I come and visit you this morning, can you give me the addresss?”

“Lets meet at the tube station first, and if we get along OK we’ll come back here, it’s only three minutes walk”.

So it’s all arranged. I arrive slightly early so I send him a txt msg. The reply comes quite quickly, “see you soon”, which makes me feel comfortable. I always prefer having the address to go to directly, because with meetings elsewhere there’s always the possibility that the other guy won’t turn up.

Face to face he’s quite short, but with a cute, friendly face. “Which way then?” I say, smiling at him.

“Errr, this way, not far”.

Almost immediately we pass a Starbucks coffee shop. He looks at me nervously,

“Do you mind if we grab a quick coffee, I need to work out how to do this?”

“Sure”, I say, still smiling even though I’m not sure what he means.

He buys me a cappuccino and we sit together in a quiet corner.

“I’m feeling really shitty about this actually”, he starts.

“What’s the problem?”

“This flat isn’t mine. It belongs to an ex-boyfriend of mine who lives there with his current boyfriend. They let me stay there at weekends when they’re away, but on the condition that I don’t take anyone back. On gaydar, previously I’ve always said that I can’t accom”

“Ahhh, I see. Well don’t worry, I won’t tell them”, I say, trying to move things on a bit. But he looks distinctly uncomfortable so I try to make small talk.

“One of my school friends had a similar background to you”, I try, “he was ½-English, ½-Asian”.

“Actually I’m 100% Indian”, he says with a guilty grin, “I’m afraid that bit on my profile about being half caucasian is a lie.”

“Why bother lying about that?” I ask.

“I don’t want anyone to connect the profile to me, just in case”.

“But you don’t have a picture on your profile so I don’t really think you have much to worry about”, I say, trying to make him feel more comfortable.

He tells me a bit more about his background. He’s had a few boyfriends in the past, but nothing very permanent.

“So what’s the family business then, your profile gives me the impression that your family run a shop or something.”

“Errr, actually that whole thing on my profile about a family business is a lie too”. He’s smiling now, almost laughing. “Balham, where’s that? Somewhere in South London I think but I’ve never been there!”

“I think you’re being too cautious”, I say, laughing too. “So what do you do for a living?”

“I’m an artist, I like to draw”. But that’s not a profession, I find myself thinking. I don’t follow up in case it makes him feel anxious. Instead I’ve thought of something more basic to ask him:

“And I don’t suppose R is your real name either, is it?”

“Err no, you’re getting to know me quite well aren’t you :-)”

But he won’t tell me his real name, not at the moment anyway. Eventually I persuade him that everything will be OK if I visit him in his friend’s appartment. He hatches a plan that makes him comfortable.

“I’ll leave first. You stay here for 5 minutes. I’ve told you the address, please don’t write it down or record it in your mobile, just in case. If you get lost phone me. I’ll let you in when you buzz, come straight up to the third floor and try not to be seen by any anyone else in the appartment block.”

“OK, that’s all fine”. I smile at him and he leaves. I visit the toilet. Poor guy, how can he have much fun when he’s this nervous?

Everything goes according to plan. As he lets me through the door though other people can be heard on the stairs, prompting him to say “Phew, close shave” as he closes the door.

We go straight into the bedroom. I sit on the bed and start stripping off but then he asks me to move. He’s holding a clean sheet for the bed so I help him put it on. After that, we get naked and aroused very quickly.

“You’ve got a lovely body”, I tell him as I hug him close to me, “do you go to the gym?” .

“No, but I do karate” he murmurs. He’s obviously very fit.

“You’ve got a nice body too”, he continues, “and I’d love to fuck you”.

I’m reluctant. I usually avoid that kind of thing when I’m not with boyfriend number 1. “I don’t usually fuck with guys I don’t know well”, I say.

“Let me look at your arse anyway”. Seems harmless enough. So I let him spread my legs wide as he pushes my ankles back towards my ears.

He takes a good look and then looks me in the eye unhappily. “Did you shower this morning?” he asks.

“Yes of course!”. Now it’s my turn to lie. Showering would have looked strange to boyfriend number 1 because I told him I was going to the gym and there’s obviously no point in showering before a workout.

“Well you’ve got bits in your arse mate”. I find it hard not to laugh. But at least he forgets the idea of fucking me.

“How old are you anyway”, he asks me a bit later. I tell him my internet age. He looks at me hard. “Yes”, he says slowly, “you could be”. I ask him his age and he tells me that he’s 34.

Of course his profile had said 29. “Don’t worry”, I say laughing, “after what you told me about everything else on your profile I was under no illusion that your age would be correct!”

We spend probably half an hour naked with each other on the bed and have a great time. “I’m going to feel bad about having had a guy in the appartment so I don’t want to rush”.

Towards the end I ask him for his name. Surely now we’re in this position together he can tell me his name! “I want to tell you. No, maybe I’ll tell you if you send me a txt msg next week”.

I look at him and smile, shaking my head slowly.

“You think I worry too much”.

“Yes”, I say, “just a bit!!”

Overall it’s a very enjoyable session, if not a bit unusual. Afterwards we lie with each other for a few minutes, but soon he wants to clean up. If I ever see him again I’ll make sure I take a good shower first.

Monday, August 01, 2005

The first counselling session with boyfriend number 1

A week ago, boyfriend number 1 told me that he had arranged for us both to attend a relationship councellor (A very brief conversation with boyfriend number 1). On the day of the councelling session I get up with mixed feelings. On the one hand I think it will be very good talk with boyfriend number 1 about our relationship problems, but on the other hand I’m scared about what the outcome might be.

Before we leave for the appointment I check my e-mail, and I’m encouraged by a message from a guy called F who’s been reading this blog.

I hope the counselling helps sort things out between you and boyfriend number 1 - I think it will. My partner and I have been together for nearly 15 years now, but went through something similar(ish) a year or so ago.

F goes on to say how he had been in the situation of boyfriend number 1 when he discovered that his partner had met a few guys from gaydar for some brief encounters. However following counselling, they’ve resolved the situation and now have a very happy open relationship. He also mentions what looks like quite an interesting book, The Ethical Slut, which apparently includes a discussion on whether it’s possible to sustain more than one loving relationship!

We arrive about ten minutes early for the counselling session and sit next to each other in a large, otherwise empty waiting room. Five minutes after the appointed time the receptionist tells us where to go for the meeting.

It turns out that this is just an introductory meeting. The counsellor is a middle aged woman aged about fifty. We get asked various routine questions, about both our relationship, previous relationships, childhood, families, do we have any children, and then finally, “Why are you here?”. We both start saying “well, um, shall I, ...”, until eventually I get my act together:

“Well, from the start we agreed to have a monogamous relationship, but in fact I’ve met other guys for casual sex when I’ve been away on business trips. Earlier this year I arranged with my employer to take four weeks off over the summer so we could have a wonderful holiday together. A couple of weeks before we leave boyfriend number 1 tells me he can’t go so instead I go with one of these other guys I’ve met.”

We talk about the situation for quite a while. During the conversation we end up talking about how and when we both came out as gay. This is one of the things which gives me the impression that this counsellor doesn’t have much experience of gay relationships – I’d think that talking about this should be part of the introductory questions. Eventually she says:

“And what do you want to get out of these counselling sessions?”

That’s an easy question. “We want to workout how to stay together or how to split up” I say. Boyfriend number 1 nods his head in agreement.

It turns out that this woman might not be our counsellor. We have to wait for someone to become available at a time that suits us, and that could take four weeks or more.

During the discussions, one of the things that boyfriend number 1 says impresses me:

“I feel quite strong at the moment”, he says, “and if we end up breaking up that’s fine, I just want to get on with my life”.

Recently I had had the impression that he’d felt that if we split up he’d never get another boyfriend. In my experience, when people are in that state of mind there’s only one possible outcome – a difficult break-up.

I don’t want to break-up with him. Somehow I want an open relationship, where I spend a lot of time with him, and some with other guys including boyfriend number 2. I hope very much we can sort things out.