Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1

Since the first counselling session with boyfriend number 1, on the whole we’ve been getting on a bit better with each other. Although he lets me cuddle him in bed, he won’t cuddle me, which is a shame because I enjoy being cuddled.

We had an argument last Friday morning though, before I left for work. He used to be able to log in to my computer but after my holiday in Asia with boyfriend number 2 (Asia holiday 2005) I changed the password.

“I don’t like the fact that I can’t log on to your computer any more”, he says with an almost hateful look in his eye, “I know it’s because you’re getting e-mails from that guy in Singapore”. He can barely bring himself to get the words out.

Neither of us are on very good form and we gradually provoke each other, escalating the pointless argument. So after a few more angry sentences I end up saying “OK I think it’s best if we split up”. But I don’t really think that. When I get to work I phone him and we kind of patch it up.

He’s right of course. I am communicating with boyfriend number 2 with an occasional e-mail, or sometimes a conversation using MSN Messenger. There are also a few nude photos of boyfriend number 2 on the computer that are obviously for my eyes only!

A quick snack is the most common form of lunch for finance professionals in the City of London these days, but if there’s a day when one has a proper lunch it tends to be on Fridays. Since today is Friday I’ve arranged to see an old university friend for lunch. This guy is happily married with two children, and knows that I’ve been living with boyfriend number 1 longer than he’s known his wife. Over lunch, we chat about mutual friends.

“I think it’ll get more interesting from here on in”, I say.

“What on earth do you mean by that?” he asks.

“Well, with everyone we know it’s all been very predictable so far. We all graduated, got jobs, settled down. Over the next decade or two the scandals will start to emerge. Divorces and affairs on the personal front, and perhaps even mal-practise or fraud accusations on the profession front as the people we know become more senior.”

Of course I’m thinking about what’s been going on between myself and boyfriend number 1, which I don’t discuss with him. I’m also thinking about my neighbour (Divorce next door) who’s slightly older than us. However my friend has obviously thought about this before.

“Sure, we’ve all become settled”, he replies, “but the way I think about it, the issue is how much people want to un-settle themselves. Everyone has a choice about whether to take risks and get involved in the things your alluding to.”

He’s right of course. And I always wanted an interesting rather than a settled life! Reading my blog posting from February about my neighbour is spooky now. At the end I say

perhaps I'm starting to get close to the danger point with overseas surrogate boyfriends like P in Singapore

and now P is called boyfriend number 2!

Friday evening I go out with boyfriend number 1. We go and see a film, “Dear Wendy”, a very weird film which we both enjoy. Afterwards we have a pleasant snack supper together. And on the way home he tells me that the counselling sessions won’t be able to start until September, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Originally he’d been trying to get them started as soon as possible.

So although things are difficult sometimes, most of the time we’re getting on all right. I'm gradually starting to feel a bit happier about the situation too.

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