Thursday, September 29, 2005

A visit to a lovely Irish guy in Soho

It’s last Sunday morning on gaydar and I’ve found this gorgeous looking Irish hunk called C who’s feeling horny in his hotel room in Soho. To arrange a meeting all I need to do now is get his address, and hopefully his mobile phone number too in case I can’t find him. I send him an online gaydar message:

My mobile phone number is xxxxx-xxxxxx, can you send me a txt msg with your exact address?

But suddenly my mobile rings

“Hi is that GB, this is C”.

HELP! I’m sunk!! Why did he phone and not txt? If boyfriend number 1 doesn’t actually hear the conversation he must have heard my phone ring, so he’s bound to ask me who was phoning me :-(

“Errr, yes”, I say very quietly, “ahhh, just got your online reply with the hotel address.”

I try to sound natural but my mind is racing. I’ve got to get off the phone and not appear like a weirdo who can’t cope with verbal communication.

“Great, I’ll be with you in about 30 minutes OK?”. I pause ever so briefly. “See you soon, bye.”

“One thing”, he says. Damm - what now?? “Can you wear sports kit and trainers like I saw in the photos you sent me?”

“Errr, sure, no problem. Right see you soon mate, I’ll phone if there’s a problem.” And I hang up.

No sound from boyfriend number 1. When I go and investigate it turns out that he’s in the bathroom with the door closed and the radio on. Phewww, he can’t have heard me. The God of Infidelity must be looking after me today! I change into my gym kit and head off, telling boyfriend number 1 that I’m going for a workout.

We’ve agreed that he’ll meet me just outside the hotel, so when I arrive I send him a txt msg

I’m outside wearing by black gym shorts

I get a reply very quickly

2 mins tops.

but it must be 5 minutes before he actually shows up.

“Sorry”, he says smiling at me, “suddenly everyone wanted to talk to me online”.

He’s got a lovely Irish accent. I love Irish guys. He’s got a cute face although he could probably do with losing a bit of weight. More chunky than hunky, but he's got a cute winning smile. Although he seems a bit nervous, he relaxes a bit once we reach his room.

“Do you meet many guys like this?” I ask him once we’re inside.

“Not really, maybe one or two a year over the last 5 years or so”. He smiles. "I just tell it like it is mate". Wow, he's got a very heterosexual way of behaving which I find hugely attractive.

But what we're about to do is definitely not heterosexual! We strip down to shorts and underwear and get started. While we’re kissing, I notice that he’s trying to empty his lungs into mine, which feels very uncomfortable.

“Just relax”, he says, “It’s called the Breath Exchange Kiss”.

I must have led a sheltered life, why haven’t I done this before? Is this something more popular with heterosexuals?

We don't rush and have a very nice time.

Afterwards I can’t help myself thinking about all the different ways that cum comes out of an ejaculating cock. Some cocks just ooze cum, some spurt in gushes, but this guy had just produced a huge number of tiny cum droplets which sprayed themselves over a wide area. Great fun, as long as one doesn’t have to clean them up!

“Do you like cuddling?” I ask.

“Err yes, I guess so”.

Perhaps he expected me to go, but I always enjoy a bit of a cuddle in these situations. It’s usually a chance to find out something about the other guy.

While we're cuddling, he tells me that he works in Aberdeen, and occasionally stops off in London on his way home to County Mayo in Ireland.

“You must work in the oil industry if you work in Aberdeen”, I say, “do you ever work on the oil rigs?”

“Yes sometimes”

“All those fit hunky men together, offshore, there must be a lot of activities?”

“Yes”, he says in a matter of fact voice, “we have mutual wank sessions every Tuesday and Friday.”

“No, really?” I’m amazed.

“You’re very gullible, aren’t you!”

I guess I deserved that. I’m just getting ready to go when I notice that he’s fondling himself.

“Errr, do you mind if I cum again?”

“Not at all”, I say happily, “can I join in :-))”

But before we can get started he gets up and goes over to my gym kit. “Do you mind?” he asks.

“Mind what?”

“Well, I love smelling guy’s training shoes”. I find it hard not to laugh. Where do all these little fetishes that people have come from?

He sticks his nose in and takes a big whiff. He looks disappointed.

“Sorry”, I say, “I only got them last week”.

“Don’t suppose you’ve got a jock-strap in your gym bag?” he says hopefully.

“No sorry”.

But he still seems up for another session. Where does he get it all from I find myself wondering a little later as the tiny cum droplets disperse themselves over an even wider area than last time?

Later, I decide that he must have got his gym kit fetish from, well, gym changing rooms. Before he properly came out to himself, my guess is that smelling jock-straps and trainers was his way of getting close to guys without actually doing anything gay. As fetishes go, I suppose it’s a relatively harmless one.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Internet cruising guys are still as unreliable as ever

Amazingly, over the past month I’ve been too busy to find anyone to meet from gaydar or What on earth has happened to my sex drive? I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me. Hopefully the reality is just to do with the fact that I was away on holiday in late August, then off to France to be best man at a wedding, as well as being busy with other stuff. There’s also part of me that’s trying to focus on boyfriend number 1, as we continue the wait for our relationship counselling to start.

In the past, for some inexplicable reason has been a fertile hunting ground early on Monday mornings (Fun before work on a Monday morning (again!)). Other mornings are dead quiet! So last Monday I try logging into to see if I can a bit of fun.

It takes quite a while but eventually I’m contacted by a guy from South London

guy: hi
GB: hi
guy: how r u?
GB: just woken up, u?
guy: woke up at 3am. u going to work soon?
GB: I don't need to be at work for a while
guy: ok. looking for?

I’m never sure if this is a good sign or not. Certainly it’s only the most cruisey guys that ask such a direct question so quickly. But given that the guy knows that I have to get to work this morning, it’s good that he’s not wasting any time. I answer his question, then he wants to see pictures of me. And then he asks me how big my cock is! We exchange pics (and the other details). But whereabouts in London is he? All of this could still be for nothing ...

GB: so where r u?
guy: camberwell, can u travel to me?

Damm! It’s not a very long way, but being honest with myself it’s just not going to be feasible to visit him before work.

GB: would be nice to meet u sometime, not sure about going all the way to camberwell before work
guy: like to meet u too sometime.
guy: :-)
GB: ok, I work in the city, perhaps I could visit you lunchtime or early eve?
guy: cool
GB: would it be OK for me to visit lunchtime today then?
guy: sure

Great! We exchange mobile phone numbers

guy: i might be sleeping lunch time but call me b4 ok
GB: I'll send u a txt

So maybe I’ll get a bit of fun today after all :-)

But it wasn’t to be :-(

I send him a txt msg at 11:30am, and another just before 2pm, but no reply. Finally, around 6pm I get a reply

guy: Sorry was sleeping like a log. Really like to meet you. Will let you know again. regards

So what exactly does that mean "Will let you know again"? The possibility of a meeting with a guy like this at some indeterminate time in the future is like a broken pencil – completely pointless! I try and pin him down with a couple of txt msgs but he doesn’t reply to my second txt msg.

I bet I know what happened. He’ll have carried on cruising while I went to work. So he probably had a shag, and given that he was up at 3am he would have felt tired after the shag and fallen soundly asleep, just like he said. Not exactly the same as the wank-factor, but the effect is very similar!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The false paternity rate

Last Friday, myself and boyfriend number 1 were invited to a birthday party by my colleague P and his Chilean boyfriend D. It’s D’s birthday, and he’s hired a room in one of the gay bars in central London.

During the course of the evening I get talking to P about infidelity.

“Occasionally I hear comments about how promiscuous gay men are”, says P, “but so are the straights”.

This is one of my favourite subjects, or to be more precise it relates to the subject of false paternity which is one of my favourite subjects. Does P have any juicy stories?

“What makes you say that?” I ask innocently.

“Oh just things I’ve heard about recently in the town where I grew up”.

P goes on to tell me a story about a funeral.

“At the funeral, the only daughter of the guy who died overhears her uncle saying to someone ‘well it was good of him to bring her up’. She challenges her uncle and the whole story comes out, the dead guy isn’t her biological father after all. The dead guy had known the truth, but had agreed to pretend that he was the father for the sake of his wife, and to avoid scandal. But the daughter was in her late fifties so they’d kept the truth secret for almost sixty years!”

“Doesn’t surprise me”, I say wisely, “although I’d hate to be the daughter in that situation.”

“And something similar happened to a friend of a friend”, P continues, “Luckily she wasn’t as old as the daughter at the funeral, but she was still in her thirties. She’s a bit swarthy, and her parents had been spinning stories about how it must relate to the Sicilian grandparent. But no, turns out her mother got shagged by some black guy from Notting Hill when she was sixteen or seventeen and they tried to cover it up. She’s not talking to her mother now.”

Now it’s my turn.

“I presume you know the false paternity statistic?” I say in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“No, what’s that?”

“False paternity is when people are mistaken about the true identity of their father. They assume that their father is the husband of their mother, but as your stories prove that’s not always true.”

“So how common is it?” asks P.

“Well, a few years ago I was talking to a guy who worked for the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, studying how genetic disorders like cystic fibrosis move from one generation to the next. Having access to the DNA of children, their parents and sometimes their grandparents, he said that he regularly has to exercise discretion when talking to the families because the DNA proves that sometimes the father isn’t really the father. He reckoned that the false paternity rate in the population as a whole is probably around .... 10% !!”

“You’re kidding!” says P.

“No I'm not kidding! 10%!! Well he said there’s a lot of uncertainty in the number, but he felt sure that the number is somewhere between 5% and 15%. Think about it, all the people you know, in your class at school, or in the office, one in ten may be mistaken about the identity of their father. Incredible isn’t it?”

Having had the conversation with P, I did a quick bit of research on the internet at the weekend. According to one recent article I found (One in 25 fathers is not biological parent - study), the number is just more like 4%. Even 1 in 25 is a lot of infidelity though, assuming that only a very small proportion of shags result in babies!

I’m sure that in 2005 thing haven’t changed much. Now we have the internet to oil the wheels of infidelity with web sites like:
Discreet dating site for those who are attached but want more in life

although any would-be cheaters who are reading this should also note the existence of web sites like
Catch your cheating husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend

Anyway, even if gay guys are somewhat promiscuous, the studies show that the heterosexuals among us are promiscuous too!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

News from boyfriend number 2

I was logged in to MSN messenger a couple of days ago at the same time as boyfriend number 2 (Asia holiday 2005 with boyfriend number 2). We chat about a few things, but soon he has some news for me

GB: Any success on yet?

I wasn’t prepared for his reply

bf2: well i've started seeing someone

bf2: he's nice

bf2: his name is L

bf2: and he's very sweet to me

What can I say? On every occasion I’ve seen boyfriend number 2 I always tell him that he should get himself a proper boyfriend.

"You deserve a really nice boyfriend", I'd say, "and I'm sure one day you'll find him".

"Oh I don't know", he'd reply sometimes, "I don't know if I've got time for a relationship".

But now he may have found a nice boyfriend I feel a bit upset. I have to say something positive

GB: sounds good so far

Of course it must be early days with L, otherwise I’d probably have heard about L before. They’re probably not serious, I think

bf2: i've started to decline dates now

bf2: with others i mean

So it’s definitely getting serious!

GB: sure, what's his background?

bf2: he's from the USA

I guess I’ll have to get used to the idea.

Why do I feel so upset? I love boyfriend number 2 (as well as boyfriend number 1), and in the back of my mind there was always the silly idea that if things don’t work out with boyfriend number 1 (Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1) then I could turn to boyfriend number 2. Of course it’s a stupid idea because we live in different countries, but it was an idea which made me feel cosy.

So because I love him, I hope it works out. Look after him L, he's a lovely guy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

It is really possible to be an asexual human being?

Since I came out as gay, I’ve always had my doubts. When I was at school and university there were various people who didn’t seem to be interested in ‘mating’. I was one of them. Really deep down I knew I was gay, but the idea didn’t appeal so it was suppressed. After I left university I came out to myself, spent a night with another man, and haven’t really ever looked back!

But what about the other guys I knew who didn’t seem interested in sex? In theory I guess there are three possibilities:

• Closet gay like I was, can’t face up to it because of social pressure to be heterosexual
• Straight but incurably shy and introverted, especially with the opposite gender. Guys in this category are serious candidates for a Queer eye for the straight guy makeover!
• Asexual

As I’ve got older though, everyone I’ve known who wasn’t either openly gay or straight has gradually fallen into either the gay or straight category. Like yesterday for example.

Following my visit to France to be best man at a wedding last weekend (Heterosexual religious rituals), I send round a few e-mails to some old friends who know the guy who’s just got married. There’s a guy who lives in Cardiff now who I’ve only seen once in the last 20 years, but since he knew the friend who’s just got married quite well I manage to get his e-mail address from google and send him an e-mail too. Within an hour I’ve got a reply


Good to hear your news.

News from me: I'm fine. I have also finally got around to confronting my sexuality, with the result that I now have a partner called Jason. I have not told everyone (though I did tell XXX and YYY for example) but obviously I thought this would interest you in particular. Better late than never, I suppose!

It would be great to meet up,



Needless to say I wasn’t expecting this. In fact it’s rather embarrassing. Having sent the e-mail from the bank, when I get the reply my colleagues want to know why I’m laughing uncontrollably! Of course I’m not laughing at him (every gay guy who went through a closet phase knows how difficult it is), but I am laughing at the situation. I send back a supportive e-mail

Well it's not every day I get an e-mail like this! Very good to hear your news, if your experience is anything like mine I imagine you're much happier, which is the important thing. I'll leave it to you to distribute your news at your own pace, how long have you been with Jason?

Do you ever come to London? It would certainly be good to meet you again, especially now it's clear that we have something else in common.


This guy really was one of the great asexuals that I have known. Provided we all live long enough, I’m starting to feel confident that the asexual category will finish up completely empty as far as all my friends and acquaintances go.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Heterosexual religious rituals

So far, I’ve managed to avoid being directly involved in Christian heterosexual rituals like births and marriages. What I mean by this is that I haven’t ever been a godfather for anyone’s children, or been best man at anyone’s wedding. That’s the way I normally say it if the subject comes up in conversation, “I’ve managed to avoid it, LOL”.

But the truth that is I would like my heterosexual friends to ask me this kind of favour. I’m value my friendships and if someone asks me to be godfather or best man they’re saying ‘you’re one of my best mates’, which is nice.

One of the reasons I’ve never been asked is that my hetero friends are a distinctly atheist bunch. Almost all my close friends in heterosexual relationships have found partners and had children without marrying. No marriage means no best man, and without marriage no christening because churches don’t christen children unless their parents are married.

One of my best chances to be godfather was with my sister’s children. I still think I should have been my nephew’s godfather. But when my nephew was born my family were still getting used to the idea that I was gay and living with my boyfriend. They wouldn’t invite boyfriend number 1 to the christening, so I didn’t go.

But finally I have the chance to be best man. A friend from college, now living in France, has invited me and boyfriend number 1 over for the wedding next Saturday and I’m to be best man :-). I’m not a very good public speaker though. Back in March when I was asked to do this I asked my friend an important question:

“I’m a bit worried about the best man’s speech. You know I’m not very good at that sort of thing, does it matter?”

“Oh don’t worry”, he replies casually, “there’s not much tradition of best man’s speeches in France”.

But a week ago I get an e-mail from him

The best man's speech will have to avoid causing scandal ...

I phone him up immediately, “You said there’s not much tradition of best man’s speeches in France, what’s going on?”

“Well it’s quite true that the French don’t tend to go in for that sort of thing”, he says with a mischievous tone in his voice. “But I’m English”, he continues with a chuckle, “and there’ll be quite a few English people there so we decided to include it!”

My French isn’t up to it of course. I’ll try and put in a few sentences in French at the beginning and end, but the core speech will have to be in English. Which presumably will be OK given that it’s not a French tradition?

But what should I say? One of the nights I always remember from our student days started out with too many beers down the pub. There were 4 of us, me and the friend who’s now about to get married, and two others. We get chatting to four local girls, i.e. not students, and end up going back to their place. I felt very uncomfortable of course, 4 guys plus 4 girls, it’s not really my scene. I wasn’t out as gay in those days. Everyone shagged except me and the poor girl I’d been paired off with! I’m sure that’s exactly the kind of story my friend is keen to avoid.

So we’re off to France for a few days. If any readers of this blog have any good tips for a best man’s speech in this situation, I’d be very grateful for an e-mail.

Monday, September 05, 2005

On holiday with boyfriend number 1 and my sister’s family

“Who’s P?” asks my twelve year old nephew while we’re playing a game on my laptop.

“He’s a friend of mine”, I say truthfully.

My nephew has seen P’s name on the high score table. Earlier this year, while on holiday with P (also known as boyfriend number 2), we had played the game together, so naturally both our names were in the high score table. Perhaps my nephew had noticed that boyfriend number 1’s name was not in the high score table? Boyfriend number 1 is sitting next to me but he pretends not to hear this conversation.

The hardest thing for me at the moment is living with boyfriend number 1 and not being able to mention boyfriend number 2 at all. Although boyfriend number 1 knows that I went on holiday with boyfriend number 2 (A conversation with boyfriend number 1), he completely refuses to let me talk about him. Maybe boyfriend number 1 thinks that by denying the existence of boyfriend number 2 he’ll simply evaporate away? If he did hear my nephew's question at least he now knows boyfriend number 2's name!

Recently I did a favour for boyfriend number 2. And last Tuesday while on this holiday with my sister and her family he calls me up to thank me. Although we’ve had online conversations over the past couple of months, this is the first time I’ve actually spoken to him since we parted company in Cambodia. It’s lovely to hear his voice. When boyfriend number 1 asks me who was on the phone I feel I can’t tell him the truth so I tell him it’s a call from work.

What does my nephew really think? Although I suspect that he understands that me and boyfriend number 1 are gay, it’s never been brought into the open because my sister's husband is reluctant to talk the truth about this matter. So what my nephew would think if he knew the truth about my gay lifestyle is anyone’s guess.