Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An anatomy of my blog

A few days ago, a London based gay reader who also works in finance sent me an email in which he told me that he'd read my entire blog. Part of the email conversation that followed included the following analysis of what I'd been writing about for the past five years or so:

Your blog is a kind of therapy during a trauma or crisis in your late 30s (you don't say this but I am reading between the lines) when the two sides of you came into conflict with each other. One side of you is the guy who visited the saunas and gyms, the gaydar/gay.com personals looking for no strings fun. This guy existed mainly outside the relationship with S. The other side is the guy who was asexual at college, wants stable relationships, likes family orientated Asian men, lived with S for 16 years. There is a third side perhaps, the guy who is a judge, enforces fair play and correct behaviour (we can call thus conscience).

This third guy is the one who is troubled by the impact of the first guy's behaviour on the second guy's values and identity and is concerned about the first guy betraying the second guy. The judge is the one that compel the first guy to tell the truth to the second guy via the blog and eventually S. The revelations lead to stress and trauma for both the second guy and S and leads eventually to a judgment in which the first guy is condemned and punished for betraying S, S leaves the second guy's life and the second guy too shares the blame for having impossible expectations of gay relationships. The climax is the Dear GB letter in which the judge himself is giving the verdict (the relationship is over, S must be housed etc) and the philosophical reflection on the nature of gay love.

Thereafter we hear very little about the first guy in the blog. I presume he is still there but having served his punishment he is left alone and the blog is taken over by the second guy as an agony uncle column. This phase of the blog is less interesting than the first and even you can't find the time to keep it up.

The reader is really a voyeur in all this. The early blog is not at all aimed at third parties but at the second guy. Most of this is now ancient history and in any case is stuff that virtually all gay men can relate to. What makes the blog interesting is the raw honesty that the judge in you demands and the quality of the writing.

You actually reveal very little about yourself that is important. What do you like reading? What did you do your Doctorate in? What do you do in your work? Do you play sports, listen to music? Your politics? The newspapers you read? What do you like to wear? Your favourite wines? Your food? I guess you are now in your mid 40s so you will sometimes think about retirement and death. But what?

I felt that the analysis was accurate in many ways.

These days, boyfriend T often jokingly refers to the behaviour that 'the first guy' would enjoy, especially when we're out in London and he spots men that 'the first guy' would find attractive. However, for now at least, 'the second guy' must be firmly in control because I feel no inclination for fun with anyone except boyfriend T. I don't know if this will last, but one thing is for sure. With boyfriend T by my side, I feel very happy :-).