Sunday, October 30, 2005

Who's the gayest of them all?

Surfing the web recently, I found the Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter. I know it's a bit childish but whenever I see these stupid multiple choice tests, I can't resist them. With questions like

Do you have a set of lucky underwear? (No!)

Have you ever been involved in a fight in the street? (No!)

Have you ever given a sex toy as a present? (errr, Yes!)

I found it more amusing than some of this sort of trivia I've seen. In the end I scored 60% gay, with the message

Congratulations, you've scored right in the middle and are a happy and well adjusted homo guy!

I guess 60% gay means 40% straight-acting, but none the less I'm happy with the result. So what are you waiting for, take the test, the results could be especially interesting if you think you're straight!

Friday, October 28, 2005

My 16 year relationship with boyfriend number 1 is probably finished :-(

Back in June, I thought that if I was numbering the guys I have fun with, then J from the gym sauna would be boyfriend number 3. But J never returns my txt msgs or e-mails, and I never seem to see him since the gym sauna has been “Closed for renovation”. It’s become clear to me that it’s R, who I’ve now met three times, who is the real boyfriend number 3.

About two weeks ago, I spotted R on gaydar so I sent him a msg:

GB: Hi R it’s GB, how’s everything?

R: had a spot of ‘bother’ recently, I’ll tell you when I see you next, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do

What on earth does he mean by that? I didn’t delve further at the time, but a week ago last Friday when I hadn’t heard anything further I was worrying about him so I sent him a txt msg

Hi R :-) hope you’re OK, especially after you said you had a bit of ‘bother’? You know where I work, if you’re ever nearby let me know and I may be able to pop out and have a coffee with you. GB xxx

Later that day I get a reply

Nice message ta :-) am on my way to city for weekend now from 6pm today

That's a nice message too! So I send him a reply and we meet up meeting for a drink around 6pm. It turns out that ‘bother’ was a bit of an understatement - R was mugged near his home and lost his phone, his credit cards, and some money including some cash they made him withdraw from a bank with his ATM card. As a result he’s looking to sell his appartment and move elsewhere. In spite of his terrible experience, we end up talking about me most of the time:

“So how are you getting on with boyfriend number 1?” asks R, wanting to change the subject away from his recent experiences.

“We had our first counselling session earlier this week”, I tell him. “Not much happened. I’ve basically told him again that I want an open relationship. He’s still a bit shell-shocked though. He said he can still remember the day I told him I’d been on holiday with boyfriend number 2, and it still feels very raw.”

“You’ve been really bad to him you know”, says R after some thought. “You’ve basically been wasting his time for years.”

“How so?”

“He’s clearly the kind of guy that wants a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend that won’t cheat on him. He’s invested sixteen years of his life into the relationship with you, and for a large part of those sixteen years you’ve been deceiving him.”

“But it’s only been no-strings sex”, I protest, “why does that matter?”

“It’s not the sex”, says R, “it’s the trust, the honesty. I agree, the sex is irrelevant, but how can he ever trust you again? He can’t live those sixteen years again with someone else who’ll be faithful to him!”

We chat for well over an hour. Slowly but surely, the truth of the situation begins to hit me. And since the chat with R it’s been sinking in more and more.

Last weekend I did some research on the internet on gay male relationships. One web site, Stages of Gay Relationship Development, was particularly useful. In the middle of the article it says

the details of the gay couples' agreement about sex and fidelity may not matter, but the adherence to that agreement does

which makes my mistake very clear. Why didn’t I discuss it with him all those years ago when I realised I wanted to meet other guys for casual sex? Looking back, it was because it was too difficult a subject, boyfriend number 1 always had strong views that his relationship had to be monogamous. Still, that’s no excuse.

But thinking about today, is the relationship fixable? Possibly, but I’ve started to think that it would be best to try and sort out a friendly separation. In all the years we’ve been together, we’ve hardly argued at all. But when I think about all the big arguments we have had over the years (including the big argument last summer when boyfriend number 1 decided not to come on holiday with me), it all comes done to one basic issue. Boyfriend number 1 is after a quiet life, but I want an adventurous one. Now I’ve realised this, I think we should probably try and work out a way to split up.

I’ve been feeling dreadful about the situation all week. I’m really upset. How could I let myself get into such a mess? I love boyfriend number 1 in many ways, how could I let him down so badly?

Last Tuesday I end up having a brief chat with boyfriend number 2 on MSN:

bf2: how are you?
GB: feeling a bit upset, actually
bf2: oh no, what happened
GB: nothing yet, but the more I think about living with boyfriend number 1, the more I think we'd both be happier if we split up
bf2: what was the latest thing that triggered this
GB: I went out for a drink last Friday eve with a guy I've met a couple of times through gaydar
GB: He reckoned I'd been wasting boyfriend number 1's time for 16 years because I couldn't be committed to him, given that I'm so unfaithful. And finally, I'm starting to see the point - he may well be right
bf2: well it's true in a way. ur friend is right to a certain degree. i think his point is that u shouldnt abuse boyfriend number 1's trust
GB: The thing that I've been thinking about the last couple of days though is that, in lots of things, boyfriend number 1 is after a quiet life, and usually I'm not
bf2: u should tell him that
GB: The few arguments we've had over the years have all been about that
bf2: tell me honestly
GB: what?
bf2: will u be happier without him?
GB: In many ways no, in some ways yes
GB: but the yes ways are important!
bf2: then u have already made ur decision
GB: maybe
bf2: anyway, u know im always here for u

Nice of him to say that at the end.

Suddenly it's all getting very serious. The boyfriend number 1,2,3 concept just started as a bit of a joke, but it's not a joke any more. I'm probably going to be alone for the first time in 16 years and I'm terrified. I'm sure it'll terrify boyfriend number 1 too. But fear of being single is a bad reason to stay together.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 still had adverts in it's chat rooms :-(

A couple of weeks ago I spotted that had stopped charging for premium services. I also noticed the disappearance of the annoying adverts which contact you in the chat rooms as though they’re real people. So I was optimistic that was in the process of reviewing and improving it’s service. Unfortunately it looks like I’m going to be disappointed.

As an existing user, I couldn’t work out how to access the premium services for free. It might have been possible, but one of my complaints in the past has been how difficult it is to navigate around compared to gaydar. In the end I deleted my existing profile and set up a new one, and then I was able to register for free premium services. But then there seem to be some gremlins in ths system. Sometimes you try and do something and it presents you with a login page, which doesn’t let you through however many times you enter the correct profile-name and password.

Worse though, is that the adverts are back. Perhaps they were there all along, and I was just lucky that for a couple of weeks they didn’t contact me when I had been logged in. There are the old simple ones:

browdis: helllo
GB: hi m8
browdis: i'm on my webcam now -


mancerone: hello
GB: hi m8
mancerone: i like virtual sex;) my page

but now there are more sophisticated ones too that try and have a conversation with you before advertising a porn website, for example:

SK8erBoiSN: hello? pvt cool?
GB: sure
SK8erBoiSN: dunno if you are into twinks or not....
SK8erBoiSN: where you from?
GB: why u ask?
SK8erBoiSN: my fav twinx are at this fucking dude dupes these twinks into all sorts of shit


newdude97: hey, you there man?
GB: sure
newdude97: how is it goin
GB: ok
newdude97: no profile here yet but I have one at,
newdude97: got my pics and stats on there and my cam is coming on

The above examples are all 100% authentic, and 100% annoying. What a fool I was to think that anything had really changed :-(

Sunday, October 23, 2005

A visit to a Canadian guy living in London

I'm a pretty easy going kind of chap. I generally find it very easy to get on with guys of all different shapes and sizes, different ages and ethnic backgrounds. OK, some people might read that and think "Haha I knew it, GB has finally admitted that he's a slut!" but that's not true. It's just that none of us are perfect and whatever our faults, most of us have a few redeeming features. But not everyone.

It's Saturday just over a week ago and I'm logged into when I get contacted by this Canadian guy from Toronto who's recently moved to London. He's interested in getting me to visit him for some fun. Soon he's asking me lots of questions

how tall are you?
what's your cock size m8?
how thick?
cut or uncut?
are you a heavy cummer?

I always think it amazing the amount of deeply personal information like this that people, including me, are willing to divulge to complete strangers on the internet. So I divulge all these intimate details about my body, and then he asks

i've got quite small cock, 4 inches, r u ok with that?

GB: no probs m8, I'd rather have a hard cock than a big one any day!

Which is true, I'm not size-ist! But he still can't decide whether to meet me or not.

how quickly can you get here, I'm busy from 5pm?

Luckily I can get there quickly. So after

are you being honest about ur age?

(of course not(!), this is, although I can't say that), and

will u lick my ears?

(err ... ok), and

are you sure you don't mind about my cock?

I finally get told his address, with strict instructions to arrive as soon as possible. Thank goodness - after the lengthy interrogation I'm very curious to meet the guy face to face.

He greets me at his front door when I arrive, and I can immediately see that he's put on some weight since the photo he showed me was taken. He was a bit chubby in his photo so now he's, well a bit too fat to be honest. No wonder he's got a small cock - I've heard that when fat guys lose a lot of weight the length of their erect cock can grow by over an inch. Ahh well, I think, if he wasn't worth having fun with he couldn't afford to be so choosy, so I decide to go though with it.

He takes me upstairs to his bedroom. It's a bit of a mess.

"Leave your clothes anywhere mate", he says as he starts stripping off.

OK, but I need to be able to find my clothes again afterwards! On the bed he's very focussed on what I should do to him

"Lick my left nipple"

What about saying 'Please' I find myself thinking?

"Now my ear"

Well I knew he'd want me to do that. I try cuddling him. But soon it's

"Rub your hand over this organ"


"Put your finger in that orifice"

He seems to be having a good time. I wish I was. Before too long we both cum, but I feel distinctly unsatisfied.

I normally like to cuddle and chat with guys after we've had a bit of fun but with this guy I just want to get out as quickly as possible. If this guy has any redeeming features, I didn't find them.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Do I have a problem with my self-control?

After meeting the South-American guy a week and a half ago (A visit to a South-American guy in Kensington), I started worrying about my self-control? And then, surfing the cable channels one evening, I briefly saw something about emotional intelligence, which I’d never heard of before. Traditionally when people talk about intelligence they’re referring to logical reasoning, maths and verbal skills. Emotional intelligence however relates to how well one understands oneself and other people, how well one understands everyone’s emotions, and how well one can control one's own emotions.

What I saw on TV was a simple test which was being suggested for very young children to measure their emotional intelligence. A parent puts the child in a room, and in front of the child they put a chocolate, or whatever the child’s favourite treat is. They then say “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. You can eat the chocolate if you want. But if you don’t eat the chocolate and wait for me to come back you can have two chocolates instead”. The idea is that children who wait to get two chocolates are more emotionally intelligent that children who just gobble the one chocolate.

When I saw this I knew I did have something to worry about, because I don’t think I’ve got much self-control when it comes to meeting other guys for fun. A cock in the hand is worth two on the internet, so to speak. So I found an online EQ test. EQ is to emotional intelligence what IQ is to traditional intelligence. Would the test pin-point my lack of self-control? No, it turned out. I scored above average on most aspects including all the self-awareness measures, although I was below average on “Social insight and empathy”. Probably a standard result for investment bankers?

No surprise, I guess, that someone who worries about their self-control in fact scores highly on self-awareness. None the less, a minor success in one type of EQ test doesn’t mean that I’m not addicted to casual sex!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

A visit to a South-American guy in Kensington

A week ago, it’s Sunday afternoon and I can’t help being logged into gaydar while working out whether to put in any bids at one of the forthcoming auctions at Christies in London. I reckon it’s good to have a variety of hobbies, and culture (Christies) always mixes well with sex (gaydar). The good thing about all the online gay cruising web sites is that you can log in and leave the screens in the background, and then if anyone finds your profile interesting you might get a message.

But the trouble is, if I’m feeling just slightly horny, I find it hard to focus on what I’m meant to be doing. I keep drifting back to the gaydar screens to see whether there are any interesting guys, and to use the gaydar ‘tracks’ feature to see who’s been looking at my profile.

Gradually a couple of guys on gaydar contact me, but one guy is too far away, and the other can’t accommodate which is vital because I never allow guys to visit me in the home I share with boyfriend number 1. But eventually a nice looking South-American guy contacts me. Everything seems in order so I tell boyfriend number 1 that I’m off to the gym and head over to Kensington to visit him.

When I arrive, it’s one of the huge old white terraced houses from the Regency Period that would have had the kitchen staff and butler working in the basement and servant bedrooms in the attic. These days most of these houses have been converted into flats, and sure enough the South-American guy has one of the two flats on the ground floor.

“You don’t have the whole house then”, I joke with him as we walk briefly along the enormous hall to his door.

He smiles at me, “Errr no”. He’s got a cute smile, and a lovely latin accent. Not Mexican which is my favourite latin accent, but a lovely accent none the less. Looking at him face to face, the photograph on his gaydar profile is definitely a few years out of date, but comparing him to what I can remember of the photograph it’s still a reasonable match. My guess is that he’s early/mid thirties rather than late twenties which is what his profile claimed.

Inside, his flat is very tidy.

“So where do you want me?” I ask him, putting my hand on his shoulder. He looks slightly unsure of what to do next.

“In here”, he says after a short pause, and I follow him into the room at the front.

I sit down on the sofa and ask him for a glass of water which he fetches from the kitchen. But he sits down at the other end of the sofa, which makes things difficult. To make things happen, I need to touch him a bit, put my arm round him, kiss him perhaps. Then we can undress a bit and get cracking.

We chat for a bit. He’s from Peru. Gradually I edge closer to him, and soon I can put my hand on his knee. He doesn’t resist.

“The trouble with most guys from gaydar”, he’s saying, “is that they’re so impersonal. You meet them, they want to fuck you or get you to fuck them, and afterwards goodbye. No cuddles, none of the gentle stuff.”

After leaving my hand on his knee for a minute or so, I lean forwards and give him a gentle kiss on the lips. He smiles.

“Shall we stay on the sofa”, I ask, “or is there a bedroom to go to?”

I follow him into the bedroom. We strip down to our undershorts, and once we're both on the bed we start kissing, cuddling. He loves cuddling, which is great because I do too. Soon I notice that his undershorts are having a difficult time restraining his 'one-eyed trouser-snake' which from the outline looks decidedly frisky.

“Let me take these off”, I say, as I carefully release his cock from his undershorts before removing them completely. He does the same for me, and we carry on cuddling and gently playing with each other. We spend a long time enjoying each other, and have a lovely time. Afterwards I hold him tightly in my arms and we almost fall asleep.

I’ll definitely keep a look out on gaydar for this guy. But on my way home, I start to worry about something else. When it comes to meeting guys for casual sex, am I addicted? Do I have a problem with self control?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Relationship counselling to start next week

Things have been difficult with boyfriend number 1 ever since my holiday in Asia with boyfriend number 2. The first few weeks after I got back were the hardest (A conversation with boyfriend number 1, Things are still difficult with boyfriend number 1), but since then things have settled down. In general, we're getting on quite well with each other. But there are unresolved issues, and since August we've been waiting for a relationship counsellor to become available at a counselling centre which boyfriend number 1 found.

One morning about a week ago, as I’m leaving for work, he tells me that a counsellor has become available, and the first session will be one evening during the third week in October. He obviously doesn’t like talking about this subject, otherwise he would have mentioned it to me the previous night when I got home from the bank. Perhaps he's even known for a few days, and has been waiting for the best time to tell me.

Hopefully we’ll end up staying with each other, but on a more honest basis. After the situation which arose over the summer, which prompted me to go on holiday with boyfriend number 2 instead of boyfriend number 1 (Boyfriend Number 2 - Past the point of no return?), I reckon I need the freedom to meet other guys for fun. I’d also like to see boyfriend number 2 sometimes, although since he lives outside the UK that won’t be very often. I’ve been meeting other guys for years of course, but maybe that's part of the problem - I was never honest about this with boyfriend number 1.

On each occasion that I’ve met up with boyfriend number 2 I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a permanent boyfriend. He's such a lovely guy. That may be changing now though (News from boyfriend number 2), so even when we do meet in the future it may have to be on a friends-only basis.

I was chatting to L in Hong Kong on MSN a few days ago (Asia trip 2002: Tuesday evening in Hong Kong). I've always liked the idea of having boyfriends waiting for me in the cities I visit on business, and if boyfriend number 2 is my boyfriend in Singapore, L would be my boyfriend in Hong Kong. But I haven't been to Hong Kong since 2003. So apart from very infrequent e-mails, this is the first time I've communicated with him for over two years.

L: any chance u visit HK again?

GB: Not at the moment, sorry :-(

L: pity

L: so, do u still travel much? or not at all

GB: Well I was on holiday in Asia for almost 4 weeks in june/july, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia

L: ic, ic, bet u had lots of fun there

GB: I was with a boyfriend from singapore

L: ok

L pauses.

L: u have bf everywhere?

GB: no of course not

Although, as I said above, the truth is that I wish I did!

GB: I live with my main bf in London, and now I've been on holiday with a bf from Singapore

GB: but the bf from Singapore is spending a lot of time in the USA at mom, I think he may get himself a permanent bf over there :-(

L: hmmm, lots to choose from in a caucasian country, he'll be like a kid in candy shop

I hadn't thought of it like that. Judging from some of the chats I've had with boyfriend number 2 in the last couple of months, I think L is probably right!

Sunday, October 09, 2005 stops charging for premium services!

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Lunch last Saturday with N and J

A couple of weeks ago, one of my old friends N sent me an e-mail telling me that he was gay (It is really possible to be an asexual human being?). Last weekend N and his boyfriend were visiting London so myself and boyfriend number 1 met up with them for lunch.

We meet at a restaurant in town. N is happy to see me. Somehow he seems friendlier now than he used to be, more open. His boyfriend J isn’t what I expected though. For some inexplicable reason, I always associate the name Jason with the old singer Jason Donovan, but it turns out that N’s boyfriend is Moroccan.

“No, Jason’s not my real name”, he says, “I chose it when I moved over here because my actual Arabic name is difficult for you brits to pronounce!”

It turns out that they’ve known each other for about 6 months or so.

“We first met online, on Out in the UK”, says N. “There's Gaydar too of course, but it’s such a meat market ...”

Yes N, I know what you mean about Gaydar but it does have it’s uses! Later N tells me that he’s come out to most of his close friends now.

“I had some fun actually”, he explains, “I sent a couple of them an e-mail, but I sent it last April 1st, i.e. April Fools Day! One of the them ignored the date and sent me a warm reply, but the other replied

Errr, can you send this e-mail on another day please!?

I guess I could have gone back in again if there had been a negative reaction, but they’re all fine about it of course”.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Another lunchtime visit to R in Greenwich

I’ve said before that when I meet a guy from gaydar, it’s rare for me to meet him more than once. But I’ve now met R three times, most recently last week, and there’s every chance that I’ll meet him again.

Having enjoyed the first two sessions with R (An encounter with a nervous guy in Spitalfields, A lunchtime visit to R in Greenwich ), I couldn’t resist trying to arrange a third visit when I saw him logged in to gaydar recently. R must have enjoyed meeting me too because he seemed equally keen for another visit.

R: What day next week suits you for a lunchtime visit then?

GB: All days are good for me at the moment

R: Monday it is then!

On the day, I arrive just after 12:30pm. He seems slightly nervous when I enter and he makes us both a cup of coffee without asking whether I’d prefer anything else. Coffee is fine of course, and we settle down on his sofa.

“So have you met many guys from gaydar since I saw you last?” I ask him.

“Well, one or two I suppose”, he says with a big grin on his face.

“Hmmm, let me guess – about half a dozen?”

“Oh come on”, he says. I feel sure he’s about to chastise me for thinking he’s been so sluttly. “It’s been over five weeks since I saw you last, I’ve met more than six!”

“Well then, you’re a bit of a slut aren’t you!”

“But I don’t have sex with all of them”, he protests. Looking thoughtful, he adds “In fact I probably only topped about half of them”.

I laugh. “I’ve never heard that expression before – ‘topped’ – nice one!”

Soon we go to the bedroom and strip off. Most guys will just strip down to undershorts at this stage but R always likes to get completely naked right from the start. I lie down face up and he just lies on top of me, kissing me briefly on the lips before wrapping his arms round me and nestling his head into my chest. I love guys who like cuddling and R is definitely a keen cuddler.

“You’d be a great guy to have staying overnight”, he says.

“I really enjoy sleeping all night with other guys”, I say honestly, “but I don’t see how I can with boyfriend number 1 at home waiting for me!”

“Yes of course, I mustn’t encourage you”, he says with a grin on his face, “but it proves that it’s not me who’s the real slut!”

We have a lovely time together. Half way through, he asks me how old I am.

“You asked me that the first time we met”, I say. “I just told the age on my gaydar profile”.

“Well that’s obviously not going to be the truthful answer is it, coming from someone who cheats on his boyfriend!”

“When I told you before, you just looked at me carefully and said ‘Yes, you could be’. So how old do you think I am then?”

He guesses a few years older than my internet age and I end up telling him the truth. He seems happy with my answer.

Afterwards I call a taxi to take me back to work. “I’m going to be busy for the next week or so”, he says as I’m leaving, “but I should be around in a couple of weeks or so”.

We definitely click with each other somehow. Oh dear! Why are there so many gorgeous men in the world for me to fall in love with?