Friday, August 31, 2007

The joys of hiring a car on holiday

Arriving at Pisa airport for 'our holiday in Southern Europe', I was in for a pleasant surprise when I went to pick up the hire car.

"We've got your convertible ready for you sir," says the beautiful young Italian woman sitting behind the desk.

A road slowly winds its way up a Tuscan hill"A convertible?" I query.

"Yes, you've booked a convertible, don't you want a convertible?"

"Sorry, of course, I'd just forgotten."

The truth was that I hadn't realised that my travel agent had booked a convertible for us! I've been using the same travel agent for well over ten years. He knows that I'm not that price sensitive these days and that I just want enjoyable holidays, so I'm quite happy for him to do that kind of thing.

Ten minutes later, I'm sitting in a hard-top convertible watching in awe as the roof folds itself into the boot with the press of a single switch. A clever mechanism as long as it works, I think to myself, although there's probably quite a lot that can go wrong with a mechanism like that.

Two days later, I'm sitting in the car with boyfriend number 1, pressing the switch to make the roof go down in vain. It's done 80% of the work, but the boot just won't close :-(. Bugger! Thinking back to the airport, I take no pleasure in being right about the roof mechanism. No doubt hire cars like this take quite a beating, so although it's no surprise that this has happened, perhaps the car hire company should service their cars a bit better. With a heavy heart, I reverse the switch, and luckily the mechanism still works to fold the roof back into position above our heads.

But things get worse! Driving down the road, I suddenly notice a light on the dashboard that won't go out. Although I don't much like cars, because I much prefer to be driven rather than having to drive myself around, I know that lights that stay on when they shouldn't are bad news. Reluctantly, I phone up the local office that manages the house that we're staying in and ask for advice. Ten minutes later I'm pulling into a garage in the centre of the nearest town.

"Errr, do you speak English?" I ask hopefully at the garage reception.

The middle-aged guy behind the desk looks up from the newspaper he's reading in a rather disinterested way.

"Non." He resumes reading his paper.

Looking around the room, I spot a couple of pictures on the wall of young women wearing very few clothes indeed!

"Parlez-vous Français?" I try. My experience is that this usually doesn't work in Italy, but at least it shows some willing on my part, and proves that I'm not the type who simply expects everyone in the world to speak English.

At this he gets up slowly, and nods almost imperceptibly.


He disappears into the garage workshop, and a few minutes later he returns with a young dark coloured guy who smiles at me.

"Je parle Français, peux je t'aider?"

It turns out that the guy is originally from Morocco, which is why he speaks a bit of French. Ten minutes later, the nightmare begins. He reckons that we shouldn't drive the car until they've fixed it :-(. But what on earth can we do? It's obviously not going to be possible to do what we were going to do today, but without a car we can't get back to the house we're staying in, or even visit the supermarket to buy our supper.

The Moroccan guy explains that the garage is about to close for lunch, so we should return at 15:00 when it re-opens. Reluctantly we accept the situation.

"Mais est qu'il y a un bon restaurant pres d'ici?" I ask hopefully.

"Moins cher, ou plus cher?"

"Plus cher!" I say confidently. If we're going to be stranded in this town for a while, perhaps it'll be possible to get a decent lunch.

"Plus cher?" the guy says in disbelief. Presumably the people he usually deals with like to spend as little money as possible.

He discusses in Italian with a guy who looks like his boss, and as luck would have it one of the office staff is able to give us a lift to the restaurant they think would be best.

It turns out to be a good choice. There's a great wine list too, and since I'm clearly not going to be driving anywhere, it seems safe to tuck into a few glasses of one of their better bottles.

Back at the garage after lunch, the Moroccan guy seems eager to help. We're going to be without the car until the following morning, but when I ask for a taxi to ferry us back and forth between the garage, a supermarket, and our house, the guy himself offers to drive us. My choice of a 'plus cher' restaurant has probably helped. No doubt the guy is hoping for a big tip for helping us out of this situation, but that seems fair enough so I don't have a problem with it.

In the fifteen minute journey back to the house we're hired, we chat about various things.

"Moi, j'aime les femmes :-))," he says with a big grin on his face as he honks his horn at the pretty young woman who's just walked across the street in front of him.

What on earth can I say to that? I decide NOT to reply that "Moi j'aime les hommes", because I need his help and I can't be sure what his reaction will be. Instead I ask him whether he's married. It turns out that he is, although he doesn't have any kids yet.

As we're driving around, we chat in French about lots of things. We seem to be getting on quite well but as we get near to the house that we've hired, the conversation becomes a bit dangerous again.

"As-tu une fille?" he asks suddenly. I presume he means girlfriend. Perhaps this is my own fault, if we hadn't been chatting so easily he probably wouldn't feel he could ask this. No doubt he's hoping for a bawdy conversation about what guys like to do with gals!

"Non!" I say decisively, hoping for the subject to change.

"As-tu une épouse?"


Now he doesn't know what to say and looks slightly confused. He glances in the mirror, and no doubt spots boyfriend number 1 sitting quietly on the back seat. Luckily though, we're now at the driveway for our the house.

"C'est ici!" I say relieved.

Before getting out of the car, I give him a generous tip, probably too big judging from his reaction. Never mind, I want this guy to come back tomorrow to pick me up when the car is fixed, so I need to make it worthwhile for him.

Around 10:30am the next day, as promised, the Moroccan guy returns driving our convertible. But on the way back to the garage to settle the bill, the guy seems eager to befriend me. Can I give him my contact details in London because he may come over at the end of the year? Or perhaps he can come over for a coffee one evening later this week at the house we're staying in? Maintaining the connection seems like a bad idea, so feeling a bit uncomfortable, I make some lame excuses.

Back at the garage, I settle the bill by credit card, and then the Moroccan guy walks me back to the car. He explains how he's worked on my car all night, but that I've only been charged for a fraction of his time on the bill because his boss left the garage before him, so the boss doesn't know how long he worked. Although I know that he's just trying to get a bigger tip, I'm happy to oblige. I've had a couple of car breakdowns while on holiday before, and they're normally very painful experiences. But with this guy to help, this time it really wasn't that bad!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

On holiday in Southern Europe

Is that a cottage on the hill over there?In recent years, myself and boyfriend number 1 have always gone away on holiday for a week together in Southern Europe at some point over the summer. We hire a large private house or villa with it's own swimming pool, sometimes with friends and sometimes on our own, and chill out.

This year, none of the friends that we'd be happy to go away with were free, so we've just come away on our own. And since I'm now on holiday, I'm only able to access the internet by using my PDA as a bluetooth modem. It's painfully slow compared to broadband, so I hope everyone appreciates the effort that's been involved in creating this post!

So where's the nearest gay bar?The two pics attached to this post were taken yesterday. One is the view from the house we've hired, and the other is a view taken from the nearest town. Can anyone guess what country we're in, or for top marks the exact region of the country?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Email from a gay guy who wants a relationship

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a gay male in New Zealand, in my mid 20's, working in stockbroking. I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and have now read all the entries. Your blog is really interesting, especially the career/banking posts.

I'm writing because I have not had a relationship. I have been out since I was 16, though I have only had a few gay friends until I moved to Auckland last year where I have made more friends. I find it tough though, as I am in a place where I would like to have a steady relationship as I am tired of (and don't really like) Internet hook-ups. When I go out with my friends who are all in couples, I find I don't have the confidence to try to pick up guys and my friends notice that too. I have met nice guys, but none on the same wavelength - ambitious, likes fun but also takes life seriously.

My friends tell me that I am attractive, but I just don't seem to have a lot of luck. I intend to work in the UK next year. Could it be that NZ is a small pond and I just need to go to a larger pond...?

I replied immediately in disbelief. There are now 420+ posts in this blog, so I'm amazed if anyone has the staying power to read even 10% of them! Anyway, I obviously have to try and give such a devoted reader the best advice I can.

Unless you're Satan, this guy is probably NOT a suitable boyfriend!I've been thinking about relationships a lot recently, and one thing that keeps coming to mind is an old South Park episode. In that episode, Satan is having trouble deciding between two boyfriends, a wimpy guy called Chris, and Saddam Hussein. Towards the end, God tells Satan that he should dump them both and try to learn to appreciate himself before he tries to find a relationship!

Although this reader's problem is that he doesn't have even one boyfriend, the advice about appreciating oneself first is an important message. It's a variation on the well known saying "Love yourself before others can love you", which is also valid here. If he focuses on this, the reader will find that his confidence will grow, and eventually he will be able to pick up guys face to face. I know there's one person who agrees with me about the effect of confidence, namely Monty, because he said so in one of his postings last month.

It's worth noting that some guys can't find a relationship because they're too selective. The fact is that there's no such thing as the perfect boyfriend. If one finds a nice guy it's always possible to decide that although he's nice, he's not quite right, so that it's best to wait for "Mr Right". But one can wait forever. I think it's much better to try and develop serious relationships, and then if a relationship doesn't work out, the experience one has gained will help develop confidence and be invaluable when the next prospective relationship presents itself.

In connection with the reader's suggestion that New Zealand isn't a big enough 'pond', I'm a bit dubious. I keep telling my boyfriend number 2 that he should try and find a full-time boyfriend, but he's convinced that it's not possible because the 'pond' in the city where he lives is too big! He says that all the guys are always looking for something better or something new, so "it's not a city to find love". The way he describes it, all the guys he's attracted to seem to have the problem that I described in the previous paragraph. They're all waiting for the perfect boyfriend, and because the 'pond' is big there's always another potential boyfriend just around the corner.

Whenever I do a 'Dear GB' posting for gay guys who want to meet other gay guys, and there have been a couple before this one (1, 2), it's become de-rigueur for the guy asking my advice to say that they don't like meeting guys via the Internet. And the etiquette at my end is to disagree! I myself have had a lot of success meeting guys over the Internet, including all the guys I call boyfriends apart from boyfriend number 1. So my experience is that even if one's cruising online and looking for fun, one can find guys that are suitable boyfriends. But on top of that there are also web sites for gay guys which are more focused on friendships and relationships rather than cruising. I don't know if there are any such web sites in New Zealand, however when the reader gets to the UK I know there's which is how one of my old university friends found his boyfriend.

So in my opinion, learning to appreciate oneself and building confidence are the most important things to focus on. Try and meet new guys, networking through friends or via the Internet, but don't be too selective.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A memorable encounter in mid July

On the first Saturday in July I ended up having a bit of fun with a guy who I met on, but overall it was quite a dull occasion. The following Saturday however, I get chatting to a guy on gaydar, and the visit was much more memorable. But memorable for a rather unfortunate reason!

"Come in :-)," says the guy, opening the door to his apartment. He's got a cute smile on his face, but he looks a bit tired.

"Where do you want me then?" I say smiling back.

"Let's go into the bedroom."

I follow him into a room containing a big double bed. Inside the room, the blinds are drawn so that compared to the rest of the apartment it seems quite dark. The guy sits down on a chair by the side of the double bed and slowly begins to take his shoes off. Since there's no other chair available, I sit on the side of the bed and do the same.

"Actually I'm a bit hung-over," the guy admits, standing up to slip his trousers off. "I often feel horny when I'm hung-over, I hope you don't mind?"

"That's OK," I say, "I often feel horny when I'm hung-over too!"

But in truth, I am a bit disappointed. For example, my experience kissing guys who have recently had too much alcohol is that they tend not to have the freshest breath!

None the less, he's got a reasonable looking body, and before too long we're on his bed getting to know each other :-), although I do avoid kissing him.

Just take a little sniff, where's the harm in that?"Do you like poppers?" he asks after a few minutes.

"No actually, but go ahead if you want to use some," I say.

The guy reaches for a small bottle by the side of the bed and takes a big sniff. Not a huge number of the guys I've met over the years have used poppers, but naturally I do get asked that question every now and then. I did try them once, and although orgasm was more pleasurable, I've always attributed the nasty headache that I got afterwards to the poppers and I've never used them since.

"Oh my god!!" the guy says desperately, with panic in his voice a minute later. But this isn't his finale! He jumps off the bed and runs out of the bedroom leaving me feeling confused. I don't normally have that effect on guys when I'm naked!

I hear a rather unpleasant sound, then the toilet flushing, and a couple of minutes later the guy returns looking highly embarrassed.

"Errr, sorry about that," he says with a pale face, "I've just been sick :-(."

"Oh dear, perhaps I should go if you're not feeling well?"

"It's just the hang-over mixing with the poppers, I'm really sorry, but I'm sure I'll be OK in a minute. Nothing to do with you, just let me rest."

He lies down next to me, and I reach out to touch him gently on his elbow, to reassure him. To the touch he feels cold and clammy.

"Do you like being cuddled?" I offer, thinking that a bit of TLC might help.


I can't help thinking that his reply is a bit unfriendly. Perhaps I should leave after all? Having reached this point though, and with a good looking guy lying naked in front of me, I feel the need to complete what we started. Within a few minutes the guy seems to have recovered, and once activities are resumed we both end up reaching a satisfactory conclusion.

Ever since I got that headache I've been a bit suspicious of poppers. Being with that guy taught me another reason to avoid them!

Monday, August 20, 2007


Who understand google's PageRank? I used to have a PageRank of 5/10, which I guess meant that the main page on my blog was of 'average' importance on the internet. But all of a sudden, according to my google toolbar, it's now only 2/10. Of course I don't really care (OK I'm lying *sob*!) but it would be good to understand what's happening!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Manipulative love or business friendship

A couple of weeks ago I received the following email from a guy on the other side of the pond:

Dear GB;

I need a little friendly advice. I'm a 62 year old gay community activist and organizer living in a large American city. In my city there is one gay village. I have this dream of creating another and it is slowing coming together one gay and lesbian at a time over the past few years.

A few years ago, purely by accident I met a younger guy C in the community. C had just turned 40, and he said he would help me realize my dream. He has lots of talents. By day he works for a travel agency, travelling around the globe writing gay travel articles and developing new travel adventures for clients. By night he is a well known local queer DJ. We share the same music, community involvement and the same qualities in life.

We clicked, not in a sexual way more as business friends at first. C is in a relationship with a guy 15 years younger than him, but it's not much of a relationship. His boyfriend hangs around with a flock of fag hags and rounders. He never comes to our gay community events with C and I rarely see them together. All my friends notice it.

C has been flirting with me over the past four years and I like it. Although he recently said he is doing it unknowingly. I have had lots of great relationships over the years some lasting ten years or more. My last one ended just about time time I met C.

I made C our organization's media spokesperson shortly after I met him. That has worked out well and our new queer village is getting the recognition it deserves.

While all this is going on, he and I have been going out to community events, gay and straight, occasional dinners, pub nights alone. I also sometimes keep him company when he is being a DJ at some local bar. I've built some web sites for him (I am a web editor) and I didn’t charge him anything either.

Mid July this year I realized that I find him quite endearing and that I love him. I suppose an agape-phileo love, since there has been no eros. In July he had asked me to redo one of his websites. I took a long time doing it, about 72 hours. Then he asked for even more changes. I said I would be happy to do it, if he loved me, in an email.

His response was: “I want you to know that I like you as a friend, enjoy our times together and enjoy working with you. Like you, I am a difficult person to get to know, but I think I am good natured and respectful of others overall, like yourself. I want to keep our friendship the way it is without complications. I enjoy the laughs, the community involvement, we have created, the fun times and the bad times…This is what friendship is all about.”

I have to say, I took it badly and threw the baby out with the bath water (fired him). We had no contact for three weeks. In the meantime he carried on as if nothing had happened. He was still promoting the community and came to our community events. He said he would talk to me, just not about the day I fired him.

He has started to flirt again in his emails and asked me out to a local community event this month and said we are still friends. I push it, let him back in the organization, mainly because I need him. I am sure he knows this. This past weekend he and his boyfriend went on a trip together, but we are supposed to connect for a mild chat this week.

A close friend of mine said, I should lay my cards on the table in a face to face meeting. Tell him that working closely with him, going out with him, him flirting with me in recent years has had an effect on me, and it was only natural to fall in love. Tell him because of it I was looking for a closer friendship, maybe not an intense relationship, just a special moment, a hug, a kiss, a shag once in a while.

Another friend said "C has been using you to advance his career and as doormat. Throwing you little tidbits, a little flirt here a little flirt there and going to events once in awhile to keep you happy. Probably does it with everyone."

"Tell him you're backing off, no more going out together, no more flirting in emails, don’t attend his DJ nights when he is alone and no boyfriend around. No more doing special favours for him like making websites. If he misses your companionship he will let you know."

"Continue the business friendship angle, but keep a low profile and only ask for his help when you need it most. See what develops, but don’t wait around forever, you're not getting any younger!"

As usual, I replied immediately when I received the email. When the reply arrived it suggested the title "manipulative love or business friendship" that I've ended up using, and so for the first time ever I'm using the title that the guy who wrote the 'Dear GB' email has suggested.

Unfortunately I think I have to agree with the thoughts of his friend at the end of the email. It strikes me that C is the kind of guy that is constantly striving to be regarded as special amongst his peers. He needs to be thought of as successful and important. His boyfriend is significantly younger than him, perhaps a "trophy" boyfriend? Being seen to play an important part in the local gay community also enhances his reputation.

If C thinks a younger guy is good for his image, he's likely to think the opposite about a relationship with an older guy. Alternatively, if C simply prefers younger guys in bed, he's also not likely to want a more intimate relationship with an older guy. Either way, it means that the relationship between C and the guy who sent me the email isn't going anywhere.

So I think the guy who sent me the email needs to avoid C as much as possible. He needs to try and avoid C for his own sanity, because I reckon his affection is highly unlikely to be reciprocated. But if he can use C selfishly to him help achieve his aims, I guess that's OK, but like his friend said, "... only ask for his help when you need it most".

Does anyone else have any other thoughts?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The (Red) manifesto

Someone drew my attention to The (Red) manifesto recently. But I'd never heard of it! So can anyone tell me, is this (Red) thing important?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

A busy lunchtime in early July

After fretting about what to get boyfriend number 3 for his birthday, I eventually managed to find something nice for him. But would he be able to make time to see me for me to give it to him near his birthday?

Because he doesn't want the guy he's seeing to find out about me, I'm not even allowed to send him txt msgs unless he sends me a txt msg first. Luckily though, I spot him on gaydar a week or so before his birthday, so I tell him the good news:

GB: so I've got you a nice little birthday present :-), when can I give it to you
bf#3: hmmm, what is it please

I knew I was going to have trouble!

A bit ostentatious perhaps?GB: well, it's a surprise :-)
bf#3: I'd like to work out whether I can accept this present. Is it a Rolex watch or anything like that?

At least he knows that I'm not cheap.

GB: no actually, but is that what you really want?
bf#3: No definitely not! I could never accept something as expensive as that. Seriously though, did you spend more than £50 on it?
GB: you don't know the rules about birthday presents do you!
bf#3: what rules would those be ... ?
GB: well, you're not allowed to ask what a present is in advance, that's for sure. But then, even if you've found out in advance what a present is, you have to pretend to be surprised when you open it. Either way, you have to say that it's just what you've always wanted and pretend to be grateful, and afterwards you can never let the person who gave you the present find out that you gave it away as soon as you could!
bf#3: LOL, but what would you do if I feel I can't accept the present? Promise me that you'll take it back to the shop for a refund
GB: no, I'll find someone to give it to who won't be so ungrateful!
bf#3: LOL

In fact the present did cost more than £50, but not much more. Anyway, I feel certain that he'll like the present so I'm not worried.

Since my original meeting with the Mediterranean guy L, we'd been in occasional txt msg contact, and had been trying to arrange another liaison with each other. Checking my mobile phone on the way into work on the first Tuesday in July, I spot a txt msg that L had sent me late the previous evening:

L: Hi there. I'm off 2morrow if u wanna meet up lunchtime.

What a nice idea, although I'll have to check my work diary to make sure there's time. But before I reach my desk, another txt msg arrives:

bf#3: is early lunchtime today good for gb to visit? x

That's txt msg I wanted :-), so I guess L will have to wait! However when I finally get to my desk, I realise that I've got a problem. There's a lunch with my colleague P in my diary. P's been wanting to introduce me to a friend of his for a while now, and the last time this meeting was planned I had to postpone so I can't really postpone again. But it's an early lunch, so I might just be able to have lunch with P and his friend, and then visit L afterwards :-). Although that would mean missing the opportunity to give boyfriend number 3 his birthday present :-(.

Reluctantly I decide that this is the best course of action. I keep telling boyfriend number 3 to give me a bit more notice of times when I can visit him, and out of these three lunchtime appointments both the others were suggested a day or more beforehand. L's a great guy too, and to keep our friendship alive I should go and see him again. So with a heavy heart I send a txt msg to boyfriend number 3:

GB: Awwww, I've got a lunch today that I can't move :-(, soz, might it be poss to visit 2mrw? GB xoxox

and another txt msg to L:

GB: Hi L, it would be nice to visit you again, I can probably visit late lunchtime today, is that any good? GB xxx

and wait for the replies. I get bf#3's answer within a few minutes:

bf#3: No worries :-) not here tomorrow :-( will buzz you when i get back ;-)

and a rather shorter one from L:


Hmmmm, L's not exactly bursting with enthusiasm but never mind, I guess he's just one of these guys who think it's cool to keep txt msgs as short as possible!

Everything goes according to plan. I manage to start the lunch with P slightly early, so just after 1pm I'm looking for a taxi to take me over to L's. And when I arrive, he's happy to see me.

"Come in," he says smiling as I follow him upstairs into his flat.

As soon as we're inside he turns to me and gives me a kiss. And L's a great kisser!

"Nice to see you again too," I say smiling at him.

Edging into his front room, I sit down to take off my shoes and socks. L looks down at me approvingly.

"You told me last time that you've got a boyfriend didn't you," he says smiling.

"Yes," I reply looking a bit sheepish.

"Well, don't you think that us Latin guys make very sexy lovers?"

"Yes, definitely," I say smiling back at him now.

"So why don't you let me be your boyfriend instead?"

Looking up at him now, he looks adorable and slightly vulnerable. But I what on earth can I say?

"But I've been with my boyfriend since 1989, I can't leave him just like that, even if I wanted to, which I don't."

"WOW," he says looking surprised, "that's a long time! Well, it was just a thought ..."

He looks slightly rejected, so I stand up and go over to him and put my arm round him. He smiles at me kisses me again, so hopefully he doesn't mind that much. And just like the Sunday a week and a half previously, we have a lovely time together.

In the taxi on my way back to work, I think back to what L said, and wonder whether I should have been more honest with him. Although I do have a boyfriend that I've been with since 1989, maybe I should have told him that I've also got other boyfriends as well!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

An email about fidelity and bisexality

Last Sunday, I got an email from a reader as follows:

I am bisexual. Is it possible for me to practice Fidelity? Thank you.

That's definitely a record for the shortest 'Dear GB' email that I've ever received! However I thought that it was a great question, so I replied to him and asked him whether he could add anything regarding his own experiences as a bisexual. A few days later I received his reply:

Fishing for a juicy story eh?

As far as experiences, compared to me gay mates, it was to some degree a lighter blow for my family when I came out. Relationships with both sexes have been great, though some folks handled it better than others. After what I would call a more than satisfactory availability of shags and liaisons, again with both sexes, I am finally ready to settle down. My family is organizing an arranged marriage with a real nice fox of a lady, whom I have met at least a dozen times. No pressure. Me mates and ex-boyfriend are sincerely supportive but then there is always the occasional ‘when are you really coming out?’

So this reader is in an interesting situation, and in that context his original question makes a lot of sense.

I have met some genuine bisexuals in my time, but not many. I reckon the genuine bisexuals are the ones who've had significant relationships with both men and women, so that those men and women would have been described as their boyfriends and their girlfriends. I don’t count guys who lead a straight life, with a wife or girlfriend, and sometimes have a bit of fun on the side with another guy.

It's also true that some guys use the term bisexual while they're in the process of coming out as gay. Because we're all brought up to believe that we're straight, a sexual attraction to people of the same gender can be a bit of a shock, so for a while some people will think that they're bisexual before finally accepting that they're gay. None the less, it's clear from the reader's second email that he is a genuine bisexual. He's got an ex-boyfriend, and he's now looking forward to getting married to a woman.

Although I've never had a bisexual guy for a boyfriend, I do know that some bisexuals end up in a complex web of relationships, especially when they've got other bisexual friends. It's not hard to imagine the intricate mix of connections that can arise between people when some of them are bisexual, and especially when both male and female bisexuals are involved. Their lives become very very complicated, however I believe it's all quite natural to them, although probably not monogamous!

But I'm also aware that some bisexuals are serial monogamists. However, when a relationship ends, their next relationship is likely to be with someone who has the opposite gender to their previous partner. Both sides of their sexuality need to be expressed, and perhaps because they can't get everything they need from a single person because each individual person is either male or female (not both!) they'll end up switching partners to fulfil their needs. So I think the answer to the reader's question is 'Yes', it is possible for bisexuals to practice fidelity, although perhaps that means that their relationships only last for a few years.

Since this is a question about bisexuality, I thought that it would be best to ask a bisexual so as to get a definitive view. As a result of this blog, I'm in occasional email correspondence with an Asian bisexual guy who's in his early 30's, so when I received the original email I immediately asked him for his views. This is what he said:

Personally, I have always thought that fidelity is possible, provided the person in question is very disciplined or (dare I say) mentally strong. There is little doubt that it is very difficult, especially for men I think. For me, as a bisexual, I had my fun when I was younger and had a boyfriend. During my moments of infidelity, I always gave myself the excuse that I was unhappy with the relationship but the truth is that to some extent, my urges had won the battle in my mind. While they were mostly very safe, I always felt uneasy and most importantly, never satisfied by the experiences. Yet, I continued that lifestyle for a while. I guess it usually is the case when one is younger and controlled by urges more than anything else. (Then again, age is not a factor, isn't it GB? :)) [Hmmm, not sure what he means by that LOL!]

Through those experiences, I also came to realise that the chances of a gay relationship working out in a monogamous sense were very small. Thus, I broke off the failing relationship, and decided to give myself a breather and perhaps settle down if fate would have it.

And now that I have settled down with my wife, while I am still attracted to good-looking men or athletic well built guys, I am slowly coming to terms with it - accepting this as part of me yet keeping it in check. I guess some people may think that it is a torture to have a nice yummy cake in front of you and not be able to eat it. But I guess I know what I want in life - a wonderful relationship and companionship (which seems to have evaded me and many other gay men in our Asian country). To me, beauty, fitness and a hot bod will likely fade with time but true companionship will not. However, for every one of us who thinks that way, there is another who think otherwise. So to your reader's question as to whether it is possible to remain monogamous as a bisexual, I guess it really is up to him.

The bisexual guy who wrote that has now been married for almost two years, and as far as I know, has resisted all temptations to have fun with guys. So if the reader who wrote the original email is looking for excuses to cheat on his wife once he gets married, I think he needs to look elsewhere!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Rude Limericks

I was reminded of a couple of rather rude limericks last weekend when myself and boyfriend number 1 went to stay for with an old university friend of mine and his wife.

"They're nice dahlias," says boyfriend number 1, as we're admiring a garden in the tiny rural village where my friend lives.

"That reminds me of a limerick," says my friend mischievously, out of earshot of his wife.

And the limerick which my friend remembered prompted me to remember an even ruder one! The two poems were as follows:

I wonder if these smell nice?There was a young man from Westphalia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
Tuppence a smell,
Was all very well,
But threepence a lick was a failure.

There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped clean his chin,
If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it.

Can anyone think of any similar poems?

Monday, August 06, 2007

Are long term gay relationships so different to straight ones?

A few weeks ago, the guy who emailed me about his difficult relationship sent me another email, asking me a question:

Hi GB, hope u are well.

I have just read a comment you left on GBD's blog where you said "it's important to realise that long term gay relationships are more about companionship than sex, because the initial passion can't last forever".

Do u think this is just for gay relationships, or is this just life whether you're straight or gay? If it is just apparent in gay relationships then why is this the case, are gays built so differently?

Actually I know many straight friends who are married and the only reason why they stay in their marriage is the responsibility of not wanting to bring up their kids in a broken family.

I think love dies after a while and it is the companionship and responsibility that keeps a couple together no matter what sexual preference they choose. The difference is that it seems more socially acceptable for gays to have an open relationship than a straight couple.

It's an interesting question and the guy makes some good points. Since I'm not straight I don't know the answer, but I suspect that the guy's view is correct and that long term straight relationships are also more about companionship than sex. I've also heard that after a straight couple have had a child, it can be hard to restart their sex lives afterwards.

Does anyone have any views on this subject?

Friday, August 03, 2007

A humbling visit to boyfriend number 3

"I tried looking for that web site that you're designing," I tell boyfriend number 3 on a recent visit, "and I couldn't find it."

"Uh huh," says boyfriend number 3, looking down at me slightly bemused.

I'm sitting sideways on his sofa, wearing nothing except my undershorts, with my legs propped up apart in front of me.

"What was the web site address I told you?" he asks me with a quizzical grin on his face.

I tell him the address and he smiles, shaking his head at me.

"What? Is that the wrong address then?" I ask, looking confused.

"You're mad, you know that don't you!"


He lifts a large mirror off a shelf and turns it to face me, and looks me in the eye with an 'I told you so' smile on his face. A bit worn-out underneath maybe, but clean, and perhaps still wearable for another year or so? Glancing into the mirror I realise that my undershorts are a bit threadbare underneath, with holes showing through. Closing my legs to try and hide the holes, I grin at him like a little child that's been caught out, hoping for a bit of sympathy.

"Completely mad!" he says laughing now. "You know that I'm doing this web site for the guy that I'm seeing, and that I'm completely paranoid about him finding out about you, but you sit there in comically worn-out underwear and ask me why the web site address that I gave you doesn't work!"

I try to think of a response, but soon I'm laughing too.

"Shhhhh, I don't want the neighbours to know that I've got a man in my apartment!" he says coming over and putting his hand over my mouth. For a few seconds I giggle uncontrollably through his hand.

"I don't know," he says looking at my face closely now, "what on earth am I going to do with you?"

Then, seemingly from nowhere, he picks up some tweezers and before I can defend myself he's plucked out a couple of small hairs out that had been growing harmlessly in between my eye-brows.

"Owwww," I complain, "that hurts!"

"There, that's better :-)," he says with a satisfied tone in his voice, before giving me a quick kiss. "It's all a façade isn't it," he continues, grinning at me, "you pretend to come round here wanting to ravage my body when all you're really after is my grooming skills!"

"Thanks," I say, rubbing the sore area where the offending hairs used to be, but none the less feeling grateful for the attention.

"Well, if boyfriend number 1 and boyfriend number 2 aren't going to look after you properly, I guess it comes down to me!"