"I don't know what you can get me for Christmas," says boyfriend number 3 on one of my lunchtime visits in early November. "You know me, I'm pretty self-sufficient so I don't really need anything."
"I've got an idea," I say mischievously, "I think you'd get a lot of use out of a pair of hand-cuffs :-). Do you want reinforced steel ones, or how about fluffy pink?"But he looks at me frostily, not at all amused. "I definitely don't want things like that lying around, in case the guy I'm seeing finds them and wants to know where they came from!"
Sometimes I find boyfriend number 3's attitude to this guy exasperating! He says he's not a boyfriend, but somehow he's a lot more than a fuck-buddy because boyfriend number 3 goes to extraordinary lengths to keep his other liaisons secret from this guy.
"I've got another idea," I say smiling, "why don't I buy you a gaydar membership? It's not something that'll be lying around your flat here, and I know that you'll use it!"
"No thank you," replies boyfriend number 3 firmly, "it's not something that I need".
"But you keep asking me to send you the pics from all the photo albums that you can't see as a gaydar guest," I protest, "if you had a membership you'd be able to see them all yourself :-)."
We let the matter drop but the following week, with time running out before my departure to Buenos Aires, I decide that a gaydar membership is the perfect gift. It's something that he'd never buy for himself, something that he'll get a lot of use out of, and something that fits all his other requirements in terms of being undetectable to his main man!
Having arranged to upgrade his gaydar account for six months, I send him a gaydar message to let him know, and to wish him Happy Christmas :-). But the next day I get a txt msg:
boyfriend number 3: Please undo what you have done, it is not something that I want :-(
Oh dear! I try contacting him by txt msg, by email, by gaydar, and I even consider phoning him on his mobile phone which is always dangerous in case he's with his man. He ignores everything. I guess it was foolish to give him something he explicitly said he didn't want :-(.
"Why? Why did you do it?" he asks me when he finally lets me visit him a month later, a couple of days after my return from Argentina, "you knew I'd be annoyed didn't you?"
"Yes, well, but I thought that once you'd seen how useful it was," I start, "and I mean, its invisible to that guy you're seeing, and well, I just thought ..."
"Well," interrupts boyfriend number 3 smiling now, "don't do it again, all right!!"
"Yes sir," I reply submissively.
"Although I admit it is useful!" he giggles.
Rolling forward a few months, it's now April, two months ago, and once again I'm visiting boyfriend number 3 on a weekday lunchtime.
"So what do you want for your birthday?" I ask him while we're cuddling up after the customary activities. "Perhaps I could renew your gaydar membership, it must be about to expire?"
"Hmmm, yes but you can't be the boy who buys me my gaydar membership all the time," says boyfriend number 3.
"Why not? Well what DO you want then?"
"I don't know, you know me, I'm pretty self-sufficient and I don't really need anything!"
"You said that last time," I laugh, giving him a big squeeze.
As I'm about to leave, I confirm with him that he absolutely doesn't want me to renew his gaydar membership, under any circumstances.
"No, definitely not," he says with real fire in his eyes.
"OK sure :-(. Well then, I promise that I definitely won't renew it for you, never, ever, not in a million years, not even if you kneel in front of me and beg me to!"
"Perfect," says boyfriend number 3 smiling.
We kiss each other goodbye and I head for my waiting taxi.
But the following month, I spot him on gaydar one weekend, so we start chatting to catch up with each other.
GB: so how's that web site that you're working on going?
boyfriend number 3: slowly! it's still not finished ...
GB: well I'm keen to see it when it's all done
[pause]
boyfriend number 3: GB
GB: uh huh
boyfriend number 3: can I ask you something?
GB: sure, what?
boyfriend number 3: you know my gaydar membership
GB: yes, you made me promise not to renew it under any circumstances, even if you asked me to!
I can tell that I'm going to enjoy this so I may as well make the most of it!
boyfriend number 3: well, yes, I know, but it's about to run out
GB: of course, 6 month memberships tend to do that after 6 months!
boyfriend number 3: the thing is, I can't have anything like that on my bank or credit card statements, you know, in case the guy I'm seeing were to find it
GB: so you want me to break my promise to you do you?
boyfriend number 3: well, I guess I've been a bit foolish, could you renew for me please, but I'll pay you back next time I see you so you're not really buying it for me because you'll get the money
Boyfriend number 3 knows that the money is irrelevent to me, but I guess promising to pay me back makes him feel better about the situation. He knows I can't refuse him. But at least I'll probably be able to get a few extra favours the next time I see him :-). And I can also take some satisfaction because I was clearly right, it was the perfect Christmas present for him!
Boyfriend number 3 often seems to be a bit like this, a mass of loveable contradictions. But I've still got a problem. His birthday is now very very soon, I know the gaydar membership won't count as a present because he'll pay me back, so what on earth can I get him?
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3 comments:
A hot air baloon ride? Day pass to Alton Towers?
Some time ago a friend lamented not being able to find a gift for her rich boyfriend: "the man who has everything". Luck would have it that we found one of the world's most interesting carrots soon afterward. It was distinctly shaped as a narrow waist, two legs with a gentleman's appearance on one side and a lady's on the other.
We all agreed that the man who had everything couldn't possibly have one of these. In the end what she gave him was a damn good laugh.
This is starting to sound like one of those "for everything else there's Mastercard" adverts. Shoot me now.
oh, dear
it's too involved.
I mean, I started, but I didn't finish!
sorry GB
ahoj!! ;)
A mass of loveable contradictions is indeed a guy to love. I think a brand new, ultra cool, wireless mouse to make his clicks on gaydar easier wud be nice :P
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