Monday, February 28, 2005

My chance to be a rent boy

I've always liked the idea of being paid for sex, but its never happened. Until yesterday. I'm logged into the central London cruising chat room on gaydar and a guy puts the following message on the open channel:

"Anyone want to let me watch you wank, cash paid"

I've mentioned before in this blog (Saturday entertainment on gaydar) that exhibitionism is a little side-line of mine so I start a private chat with the guy to see whether he'll pay me to wank off.

Within 15 minutes I'm in a cab to Soho. I'll get £30 for wanking off for him. "Is there anything else I can do for you to get more money" I had asked. "No thanks", he replied. While in the cab I txt him on his mobile "Do you want to film me or take pictures?". I get a txt response "No way". Well, at least everything is nice and clear.

I go to the Prince Edward theatre on Old Compton Street as arranged, and phone him on his mobile. "I'm here", I say, "so will you come and take me to your office now? And hurry if you can, its very cold today!". Within 5 minutes I'm walking with the guy to his office round the corner. The guy is average build with a kind face, probably in his early 40's.

We go downstairs into a basement room which is packed with boxes of loads of different kinds of mechandising material. At the back of the room, once we've got round all the boxes, there's a black sofa. "You can do it there", he says, in a voice that suggests he's looking forward to my show.

I gradually strip off and get to work. "Do you want to touch me?" I ask. "Yes OK", he says, "you've got nice looking balls". While he's touching I ask "do you want to play with me too?". "No thanks", he says, smiling. Ahh well, never mind. I do enjoy being played with, but he's paying for this so he's in charge. As I head towards the finale, I notice that he's getting an erection inside his trousers.

Afterwards I mop up using a t-shirt which he produces from one of the boxes. We chat a while. He says he doesn't have a wife, girlfriend or boyfriend. I wonder why, because he seems like a lovely guy. "My work takes all my time", he explains. He asks a bit about my life, so I tell him a bit about boyfriend number 1. Within another 5 minutes he says he's going to have to throw me out because he's got work to do, so I get dressed again. As I leave, I pick up the £30 which he left on the desk for me. My guess is that the poor guy is gay, but doesn't like the idea of being gay. There are probably a lot of guys like that around.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Some guys on gaydar are scared of being gay

Although I'm always annoyed when I make a pointless journey to meet a contact from gaydar who doesn't show up or isn't at the agreed address, I sometimes feel sorry for the poor guy who I was meant to meet too. I reckon there are three categories of failed meetings:

* Firstly, its possible that there are a few gaydar members who just arrange fake meetings for some weird kind of gratification which I don't understand, perhaps like some people make hoax bomb calls to the police. Although I can't be sure, my guess is that this is rarely the reason for a failed meeting. But it's obviously inexcusable if it does ever happen.

* Secondly, I know that sometimes the guy I'm meeting will want to look at me before deciding whether to make himself known to me. If he decides not to meet me, and if I've provided an up-to-date photo which I always do, then this is inexcusable too. I'm pretty sure it has happened at least once, but then I have been using the internet for finding fun since 1995 and I don't feel this happens at all regularly.

* Lastly, I reckon the biggest cause of failed meetings for me is guys experimenting with the gay side of their sexuality and changing their mind at the last minute. These are the guys I'm referring to when I say some guys on gaydar are scared of being gay, and it's for these guys that I genuinely feel sorry. If they can force themselves to start meeting other guys then they'll gradually feel more relaxed about things. And its clear that they're trying to meet up with guys given that they were trying to meet up with me. Since I remember myself how hard it was for me to accept that I was gay in the 1980's I can only empathise with their situation.

The reason for these thoughts is that I had a failed meeting yesterday. A guy starts chatting to me as soon as I enter the main central London cruising room. Eventually we agree to meet. He doesn't have a mobile phone but he says he's a doctor with a pager, and gives me an address in South London. Some of the details he gives me make me think that he hasn't been looking for gay fun for very long. He looks quite cute so I decide to make the journey and set off.

He has told me that he lives in a house, not flats, but when I get there the house is split into two flats. I ring both doorbells and as a result a woman comes to the door. She's obviously not the person I'm meant to meet, and she also tells me that the occupant of the other flat is a woman too. So, a wasted journey.

I've only just started heading home and I spot an 24 hour internet shop, quite seedy, but worth a try. There are posters on the wall which say "Viewing pornography is strictly forbidden". I reckon gaydar isn't pornography, but a lawyer could certainly try and argue the opposite case. Anyway I ignore the poster and try to make contact with the guy, but he's logged off. After an amusing conversation with a sweet guy who want us to have a swift session in the Debenhams men's department changing rooms in Oxford street, I decide to head for home.

On the way home I wonder if I should have strict guidelines about e.g. not visiting unless the other guy has a mobile phone. Probably not, strict guidelines start to take the fun and spontaneity out of it, and previously I've definitely had successful meetings in the same circumstances.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Why do I feel I can't come out at work?

So the British Navy is now a more gay friendly employer than the bank I work for. Its not that the bank I work for is gay unfriendly. But the Brtish Navy has suddenly become especially gay friendly (see Royal Navy to promote gay rights).

The bank does provide gay friendly benefits. Boyfriend number 1 gets his medical insurance through the bank. He's also included in the pension rights, and if I die while an employee of the bank boyfriend number 1 will get the "death in service" benefit paid directly to him. But the staff Christmas party last December demonstrated the problem.

For the first time since I joined this bank, all staff were allowed to bring someone along to the bank's Christmas party. I discussed this with my colleague P (My gay colleague P on the trading floor) and neither of us wanted to go. We didn't want to stand out, we didn't want people to talk about us, perhaps we felt we didn't want to damage our careers.

It's not even as though I can pretend that no one knows I'm gay. I know for certain that one colleague knows, and because of the brief chat we had about this I am sure that others know too. So why do I still feel the need for this pretend secrecy? I am worried about the reaction of the guys who report to me, but if I were to think about it I'd probably conclude that they wouldn't really care.

I feel a bit guilty too. I discussed the Christmas party with boyfriend number 1 and he would have been happy to go along as my partner. Given that, perhaps we should have gone. Almost certainly I'm the most senior person in the bank who is gay - so maybe its up to me to take the lead. One day.

Friday, February 25, 2005

A meeting with E in the gym sauna

When I first enter the sauna today there's only one other guy inside and I can't tell who it is. The guy is lying there on his back, naked, but I can't see his face because he's got a slightly damp flannel on it. Maybe there are a few guys who I can identify just by looking at their cock, but this guy isn't one of them! Of course just by lying there like that I am sure the guy is gay, it's one of the things I mention in "How gay men cruise gym saunas and steam rooms". Soon the guy takes the flannel off his face to find out who's in the sauna with him. I instantly recognise him and he recognises me too, its E. I hadn't seen E in the gym sauna for a couple of weeks (see Back in the gym in London in the men's sauna) so it's nice to bump into him.

On one occasion last December there are a lot of non-participants in the sauna, so me and E go elsewhere in the gym for a bit of fun. There's a small obscure lockable room I know which used to have a sun-bed in it, so we head there. Although we've been having a bit of fun with each other in the sauna for many months, he has a surprise for me once we're there. We're taking our shorts off when he looks me in the eye nervously and says "I've never done anything like this before". I'm a bit surprised but I try not to show it. "Don't worry, just relax" I say, smiling at him.

I've been in that kind of situation quite a few times. The other guy is effectively saying that he knows he's about to do something that's definitely gay and he's frightened. Frightened that he's finally going to have to admit to himself that he might be gay, frightened about what this means for his future, frightened that he'll probably enjoy it. The situation always makes we want to take special care of the other guy, to cuddle him, and try to make him really understand that he's not the only one. On this occasion the room has nowhere suitable to lie down for a cuddle, so once we're both naked I slowly walk up to E and put my arms round him and give him the biggest, nicest hug I can. Gentle intimacy between two men is so beautiful.

Back to today and I feel sorry I hadn't turned up slightly earlier. "I've already shot my load on my own", he says. Poor guy, I reckon the gym might be the only sexual outlet he has. How can I encourage him to explore his sexuality I wonder? He'd make some guy a lovely boyfriend. Just looking at E had made me feel horny and E notices. So he comes and sits next to me. One thing leads to another and eventually E helps me shoot my load too. "Good to get it all out, isn't it", he says, "feels so good".

Afterwards we chat a while. He's just been on holiday in Kenya on safari with some friends of his, so no wonder I haven't seen him. I want to turn the conversation to the subject of sexuality, perhaps by asking him if he has a gaydar profile, but I don't get the chance because another guy comes into the sauna. Damm. E's such a nice guy, next time I see him I must try harder to talk about the issues I feel he doesn't want to face.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

My gay colleague P on the trading floor

There's quite a close colleague called P who is gay and works on the bank's trading floor with me. I still laugh when I think about how we found out about each other. A mutual friend of ours had said for ages that he was going to invite us round for dinner to introduce us to each other. Him and his wife just thought that the two gay couples they knew should be introduced, especially because in each couple one person works for an investment bank. But they hadn't worked out that we worked for the same investment bank, let alone that we were close colleagues!

To me it was hilarious - myself and boyfriend number 1 enter and get introduced to a guy I know quite well and his Chilean boyfriend. Not as funny as seeing a close colleague get a blow job in a gay sauna a few years ago (see Are all the straight guys really straight?), but quite funny none the less.

At the dinner, it turned out that P was relatively closeted, so he was a bit anxious about the situation. Since then myself and boyfriend number 1 have become good friends with him and his boyfriend D outside work. He was mortified when I told him that I had suspected that he was gay as soon as I met him because he had thought that no one could possibly have guessed.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

The gay guy in the post room

I mentioned in my blog last Monday (How easy is it to be an openly gay investment banker?) that I only knew of three other gay guys at the bank I worked for. One of these guys is from the post room (or security, I'm not sure which). He was someone I noticed at the gym a few months ago:

I'm cruising the sauna at the gym, and there's this handsome well-built guy in the corner. We're both naked, and we keep looking at each other, so there's no doubt in my mind that he's gay. But we never get an opportunity alone to have a bit of fun, as soon as anyone leaves, another guy comes in. This probably turns out the be very fortunate because the next day I'm in the middle of a transaction on the trading floor and I spot the same guy. I had no idea when I spotted him in the sauna that he worked at the bank! He's spotted me, and he's taken up a position at the end of the aisle just staring at me constantly. I ignore him and eventually after about five minutes he goes away. What did he think he could gain by staring at me? Surely he doesn't think that at all the guys on the trading floor are straight?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Fun in the gym sauna has its disadvantages

I take a late lunch today and use the time to go to the sauna at the gym. Early afternoons after 2pm tends to be a good time to find a bit of fun there, because the lunchtime heteros are back in work. The sauna is empty when I enter, so I lie down naked and try and relax. Its been a hectic morning at the bank.

After around 5 minutes two guys come in, one after the other. One guy is shaved all over, and is clearly looking for action because he keeps looking at my naked body lying there. The other guy is just there for a sauna. A couple of guys come and go, I take a shower break, and eventually it's just me and the shaved guy. The disadvantage of sauna sex of course is there's no guarantee one won't be interrupted. So we're just starting to enjoy the situation when we have to stop because someone else comes in. But the connection has been made, so if we're patient it's just a matter of time.

Ten minutes later and the coast is clear again, so we start again. This time we get much further. I'm really enjoying myself. This time I get so far that I'm just past the point of no return and ... we're interrupted again!!! Grrrrrr. But I suppose its all part of the excitement.

Monday, February 21, 2005

How easy is it to be an openly gay investment banker?

Although it's meant to be easier to be openly gay in investment banking these days, I still don't know of any openly lesbians or gay men at the bank I work for. Perhaps the bank I work for is behind the times? For example at UBS there are even gay-lesbian networks. But I'm sure its still much easier to openly gay in a support role such as legal or IT, rather than in a role on the trading floor.

To my knowledge, there are only three other gay guys at the bank I work for and none of us are open about it. There's a guy in internal audit who I met at a party hosted by a gay friend a couple of years ago. There's a guy who works in the post room (or in security, not sure which). And there's quite a close colleague who works on the trading floor. There are brief stories to tell about how I got to know about the post room guy and about the guy on the trading floor which I'll try and tell later this week.

This morning I overslept a bit and missed the gym, and had to take a cab into the office to make sure I wasn't too late. But on the way, I spotted J from the gym, crossing the traffic light diretly in front of my cab. I've mentioned J a couple of time before in this blog (see Valentines day morning, 2005 and Back in the gym in London in the men's sauna). I tried to wave out of the cab window but he didn't see me. Its been almost 2 years now since I first spotted J in the sauna at the gym. He was very shy then, and it took a long time of looking at each other before we got anywhere. But it's almost a year now since we first starting to have fun together. Seeing him today at a distance me realise that I'm quite fond of him. Hopefully I'll see him later in the week.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Gay relationships between Asian and western guys

Just read an article on Fridae about relationships between Asian guys and western guys "in it for the long haul?". The article says that many western guys often mislead their Asian partners about how serious they are about their relationship. It made me think about my own experiences with Asian guys.

When I've been in China, Hong Kong, Singapore, I have been amazed by the demand there is from the locals for western guys like me. For example, on my last trip to Singapore I logged on to and with in 5 minutes there were over 10 guys wanting to talk to me (see my previous bloc entry Singapore trip Feb 2005. Saturday night in Singapore). But when I log on to gaydar in London and wait to see if anyone wants to contact me, sometimes I'll wait forever. I do not regard myself as a rice queen because I like all type of men (westerners, black guys, Asians, Latin, ...), but I think the local Asian guys I've met must have been searching for western boyfriends.

Indeed, in the tiny sample of Asian guys that I've got to know on my travels, they've all had or are having relationships with westerners. H moved in with a German boyfriend in Shanghai six months ago, L in Hong Kong has had a British boyfriend for around two years (I think they travel backwards and forwards between the UK and Hong Kong), and although P in Singapore is currently single he used to have a western boyfriend too.

In any market where there is more demand than supply there will be disappointed consumers, Asian gay guys in this case. But gay relationships are quite fickle anyway, is the situation really any worse for western-Asian relationships compared to western-western? Perhaps the problem is just that guys from the different cultures have different expectations. It could be that western guys dump Asian boyfriends at the same rate that western guys dump western boyfriends, but that the Asian guys dump each other less frequently so there's a mismatch in relationship expectations.

Wherever I go in the world, if I'm not traveling with boyfriend number 1 I do like to try and meet local gay guys if possible. I like the idea of having a few surrogate boyfriends around the world in the different cities I travel to, because its much more fulfilling to get to know a few people well rather than having lots of one night stands. Although I advertise myself as a single gay man in the chat rooms, if I start to get to know someone like P in Singapore I'm always honest with them, and I do encourage them to get a proper boyfriend. And in spite of what it says in the article about western guys, with me the more I get to know someone like P the more I care about them, whatever race they are.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Did gaydar crash this afternoon?

So I'm logged into the gaydar chatrooms and all of a sudden things seem to grind to a halt. Sometimes this happens to me when my old computer can't keep up and runs out of memory, so I log out and try logging in again. Gaydar itself seems to be working I but can't get back in to the chat rooms. This hasn't happened to me before on gaydar. Before it ground to a halt I had noticed that the "central london cruising" room had over 460 people in it, perhaps the system is reaching some kind of limit? There were over 4600 people online in London alone.

Being unable to get into the gaydar chat room, for curiosity I log into and I'm surprised to see well over 150 people in the london chat rooms. I had thought that gaydar had a virtual monopoly in the UK.

Friday, February 18, 2005

How gay men cruise gym saunas and steam rooms

Many gyms in London, including the one I go to, have saunas and/or steam rooms inside the men's changing rooms. Men-only places like that, where guys are often naked, are bound to be areas gay men can be found. But how do like minded guys recognise each other? If you're in a such a sauna/steam room, there are many things to look for:

* any guy who looks regularly looks around the room at the other guys and eyes up any guy who enters (however discretely), is likely to be cruising

* as I've said in previous blogs, if two guys in the room catch each other's eye (because they're both looking around), they're both likely to be gay because straight guys avoid eye contact in that kind of situation

* social conditioning tends to makes everyone (gay/straight/male/female) slightly shy when naked. If a naked guy puts himself more display than seems natural then he's probably "displaying his wares" and hoping to attract guys who are interested in what's being displayed. Examples of this would be having one's legs open too wide, or simply being naked and laying down face up

* in gym saunas and steam rooms there is typically a mixture of gay and straight guys, so it can take a while to end up with a room where everyone wants action. Guys who leave to cool down with a shower and then come back are likely to be waiting for action

* a guy is probably gay if he comes in and sits in a position where he has a direct view of another guy, especially if the guy in view is naked. Straight guys will tend to try and avoid staring at another guy's tackle. Straight guys however who are not used to saunas and steam rooms where other guys can be naked will sometimes make a mistake in this respect, but then they'll either leave or take a new position

* to start action, a guy might begin by gently re-adjusting his tackle. So look for guys touching themselves, however innocent they try to make it seem. I've never seen a naked guy touch his tackle who hasn't also exhibited one of the other behaviours listed here

* instead of touching their tackle, I've seen one case where I saw a guy massaging his nipple. Gay guys, far more than straight guys, get aroused by nipple play so this is another sign

* guys who want action are not necessarily naked, because some guys are sitting there just waiting to whip their cock out from their trunks or shorts. Sometimes its possible to spot the outline of erections underneath their clothing

* and obviously a semi-hard or even hard erection on a naked guy is quite a blatent sign

Now, suppose you're a straight guy reading the above and thinking "hmmm, that's interesting, I wonder if anything happens in the sauna/steam room at my gym". Well don't kid yourself mate, if you find yourself in your gym sauna/steam room looking out for this kind of behaviour out of curiosity then don't fool yourself that your 100% straight.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The origin of my infidelity

It's hard to believe now but I was monogamous for the first 5 years of my relationship with boyfriend number 1. There was almost an incident with an ex-boyf but in the end we didn't even touch each other (we just watched each other wank), so I think it's fair to say I managed monogamy for 5 years. Before the relationship started I had enjoyed the standard gay lifestyle of sleeping with lots of different guys, but once settled with boyfriend number 1 that was all behind me.

Surprisingly perhaps, it wasn’t the arrival of the internet which triggered my downfall. I’d been an investment banker since before I met boyfriend number 1, and it was on a business trip to New York in 1994 that the important event occurred. Of course New York has changed a bit since then. In particular there’s been the big crackdown on ‘vice’ which Major Giuliani instigated, however Giuliani had only been elected the previous year and when I visited the crackdown hadn't really got going yet.

So back in 1994 I arrive in New York early on Sunday evening, to be in the bank's New York office for the whole of the following week. I know my colleagues will take me out on one or two nights, but the rest of the time I’ll have to make my own entertainment. For this purpose I had noted down the names and addresses of a few New York gay bars from a copy of Spartacus, the worldwide gay guide which me and boyfriend number 1 had at home in London.

When visiting New York from London I think its important to stay up late, to give oneself a reasonable chance of sleeping through the night and beating the jet-lag. So after I check into my hotel, I hop in a cab to one of the bars on the list I brought from London. Its a bar called Splash on W 17th Street. While I’m there I don’t talk to anyone except the barman, I just drink a single beer and have a look around. So here it is, a sample of gay New York City. After the beer I go back to the hotel, but on my way out I pick up a copy of the free gay listing paper HX.

Back in the hotel I read through HX. When I get to the back there are the sex listings: saunas, sex clubs, porn cinemas, arcades, phone sex numbers, all the usual stuff. The thought sticks with me and later in the week, rather than going to a gay bar on my own and not talking to anyone, I think it might be just as good to go to one of the sex venues and not talk to anyone. I am confident in my self-control, if anything is going on I’ll just be a voyeur I decide. Otherwise I’ll just watch the porn to get ideas for better sex with boyfriend number 1 :-)

I select an arcade called the “Banana Club” in midtown, “where Bananas meet other Bananas”. I take a cab, go in, and pay my $11 entry fee. Inside everything is very dark, all painted black, loads of winding corridors leading round in circles connecting rooms with varying levels of darkness, with a few screens showing hard gay porn in the open spaces. Apart from me there only seem to be a few other guys around. I guess that I’m a bit early.

Looking around by the light of one of the screens I can see that one of the other guys is gorgeous. We look at each other and I walk on. As I continue walking round the different rooms, I occasionally see him. We catch each other’s eye once or twice. Eventually I sit on a bench to watch one of the porn screens, and soon this other guy is standing there looking at me. I catch his eye again, he smiles at me, and finally I smile back. That, there and then, was the crucial mistake.

Slowly he comes and sits down next to me. I turn to look at him, and can’t help smiling at him again. He puts his hand on my knee and I know I’m lost. He looks so lovely. We start kissing, and soon he puts his hand on my crotch. I reciprocate. To use the American terminology, we end up jacking each other off!

I didn’t feel very guilty afterwards either. I knew I still loved boyfriend number 1. Now, over ten years and hundreds of men later, I still love him. But back in 1994, that was the event which made me realise that I’m not very good at monogamy.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 empowering gay asia

A week and a half ago when I was in Singapore, the Chinese guy I had sex with on Saturday night told me about fridae which is a gay dating web site with the motto empowering gay asia. So the day after I found out about fridae I registered with them to find out if it's any good.

There don't seem to be any chat rooms, and there doesn't seem to be any instant messaging service, but it seems to be quite active none the less. You start by setting up a profile, just like you do on gaydar or Once you're registered, there seem to be three ways of contacting other guys:

* sending a 'heart'. This is just a way of saying that the sender is interested in the person they're sending a heart to.

* sending a request to be friends. The receiver can then accept or reject the request.

* sending e-mails.

The idea of sending hearts is quite sweet. So the web site seems focussed on helping gay people in Asia find relationships.

Within a couple of days of setting up my profile I had received over a dozen hearts. Unfortunately I had returned to London by then so I felt it was inappropriate to reciprocate, instead I added a 'diary' entry to my profile to say that I looked forward to trying to meeting up with a few guys on my next visit. Even now though I'm still receiving hearts, and even a couple of e-mails from Asian guys who may be visiting London in the near future.

So I reckon for gay guys visiting Asia who want to meet some of the locals it's well worth setting up a fridae profile. It's probably also worthwhile for guys elsewhere in the world who like Asian men.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Are all the straight guys really straight?

No of course they're not! And looking back, the best example I have from my own experiences at the moment is from about seven years ago.

One of the nice things about working in an investment bank is that the trading floors tend to be filled with good-looking men. They’ll talk about their girlfriends, wives, or if they’re single their female conquests, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t dabble on the gay side too.

Like many investment bankers I often work long hours, which can be very stressful if one is having a bad day or a bad week. So occasionally when I am feeling stressed I go to a gay sauna at lunchtime to try and unwind. My favourite is called Pleasuredome at Waterloo and it’s still there, although I haven’t been for ages now. Seven years ago it advertised itself as the only 24 hours gay sauna in London and maybe it still is. Back then Chariots had only recently opened, but didn’t open its doors until noon so it was no good for lunchtimes because no one was there yet.

You sometimes hear the old cliché “oh I don’t recognise you with your clothes on” but that day the reverse was true for me, I didn’t recognise him with his clothes off. Not at first anyway, after all, I'm the only gay in the office aren't I?

So one lunchtime after a particularly stressful morning I’m at Pleasuredome and I spot this guy who bears quite a resemblance to T from the bank. We catch each other’s eye as we walk right past each other. T is quite a close colleague, and in my eyes is probably the cutest guy on the trading floor, and I had thought one of the straightest. A little later I see the same guy on the other side of the café area, pity I won’t be able to tell T that he’s got a gay double (I’m not openly gay in the bank). Later I walk into one of the steam rooms and T’s double is there, so I go and sit close to him to get a better look. He’s starting to get very involved with the guy sitting next to him. Just as the guy sitting next to him lowers his head and starts sucking T’s erection, I look T straight in the eye again and we both realise the situation we’re in.

I think the situation is hilarious, I try to stop myself because laughing is a very inappropriate thing to do in a gay steam room where men are in various stages of having sex with each other. I’m slightly embarrassed in the same way that it can seem embarrassing to see friends or colleagues naked in the gym showers; T on the other hand is happily married and getting a blow job from another man. I’ve never seen a guy change his mind so quickly about receiving a blow job, and the poor guy who was starting to work on T’s cock must have wondered what on earth he had done wrong.

I don’t see T again until we’re both back in the office in the afternoon. We sit very close, back to back to each other along a small aisle on the trading floor. We both try to pretend that nothing has happened, but every time I start talking to him a huge smile appears across my face and T tries hard not to blush. Because we can’t talk about it, I feel quite strongly that there’s unfinished business between us, which will last until we are able to discuss it.

It’s not until about 3 months later when I’m at Pleasuredome around 6pm that I see T there again. I’d had a dental appointment so had left work early, but the dental check-up finishes quickly so I take the opportunity to visit Pleasuredome before going home to boyfriend number 1. T has just arrived, and is still in the changing area, he’s just stripped off and put his towel round himself and he’s having a cigarette. His body language suggests he’s having the cigarette to relax and give himself the courage to enjoy himself there. So I walk past him on my way to the café area and say “didn’t think I’d see you here again”.

He can’t avoid it now, so he comes up and sits at the same table as me in the café area. The poor guy looks very uncomfortable indeed. “Err, I didn’t know you come here”, he starts. “But we saw each other here one lunchtime a few months ago”, I reply. “Hmmm, I don’t think so”, he says. It’s not clear to me what he has to gain from denying a past visit when he’s can’t deny the current one. I tell him that I’m gay, that I’ve got a long term boyfriend, and ask him if he’s gay. “I don’t know”, he says. “You’re probably bi-sexual”, I say, hoping to re-assure him. But when he hears that, his body language suggests that he thinks he’s a straight guy who just happens to visit Pleasuredome for a bit of harmless fun once in a while. I can remember denying to myself for ages that I was gay so I feel sympathetic. “Don’t worry”, I say as I leave to get changed, “I won’t tell anyone in the bank that we met here”.

Back at the bank we get on much better after that. Within a year I move to a different bank, and about a year after that I hear that his wife has had a baby and they’re immigrating to New Zealand. Whatever his true sexuality is, I hope he’s worked it out by now, and I hope he’s happy.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentines day evening, 2005

This entry doesn't really belong in this blog because its in the "Things I can tell boyfriend number 1" category. But I'm not going to have two diaries so it'll have to go here.

Tonight me and boyfriend number 1 went to the same posh restaurant for a Valentines day dinner that we went to 10 years ago. Great food and wine, although vastly overpriced - but everywhere is on Valentines day.

Just before we get our dessert, a hetero couple sit down next to us. When our dessert arrives, the woman says "oh, both desserts look lovely, tell us which one is best". We end up having a great conversation with them, they're both very chatty and good fun. They've got 3 children, they recommend Dubai and the Caribbean for holidays, and tell us to go skiing next year.

The bizzare thing is that although we've been going to Valentines day dinners together for 16 years, the only other time we've got into a good conversation with other diners on Valentines day was in this same restaurant 10 years ago. I'm still trying to work out if that means anything.

Valentines day morning, 2005

I wasn't going to go into the gym sauna this morning but as usual my willpower to stay out evades me. The only guy inside when I enter is S. I'm sure he must be gay. The only trouble with S is that we've been introduced by a mutual friend. S works for a guy who used to be a colleague of mine in the late 1990's. We all use the same gym. So getting involved with any action with S is 'difficult'.

Shortly after I enter J comes in and joins us. Me and J smile at each other, but no one talks. S slowly sits up, and we catch each other's eye. No doubt in my mind now, S must be gay, and is thinking the same as me - it would be difficult to be involved in any action together. S leaves.

Now there's just me and J left. We smile at each other again and he comes over to sit next to me. Before we start, I ask him about S. "Oh yeah", he says, "he's so camp isn't he. He can't deny it". I feel slightly jealous, I thought I was the only guy in the gym sauna scene who gets to play with J.

Mobiles make cheating 'too easy'

I just spotted a story on BBC news online from yesterday,
Mobiles make cheating 'too easy'
according to a recent survey. Well yes, they do help, as does the internet, e-mail and txt-messaging. But I'm not sure about 'too easy'. One still has to:

* find someone to cheat with

* find time to meet them

* invent a plausbile story to cover up, which can't be "sorry dear, had to work late" all the time

* ensure no embarrasing lipstick on one's collar (for the hetero guys) or spunk stains on one's jeans

* try and take a shower at the gym before returning to boyfriend number 1

It would be interesting to see the way the different genders and sexualities responded to the questions, the story on BBC news online doesn't specify.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

e-mail from Singapore

The cute Chinese guy I met on the Saturday night when I was in Singpore a week ago has just replied to the e-mail I sent him. I had e-mailed him the day after we met, to say I enjoyed meeting him, and to ask him a couple of things about chinatown. I've just had a reply

"hi, it was nice meetin u too tke care"

Ahh well, short and sweet, and better late than never. But its nice to get a reply.

Saturday entertainment on gaydar

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Saturday, February 12, 2005 is better than

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Friday, February 11, 2005

Divorce next door

Last night boyfriend number 1 took a phone call from our neighbour next door. We've known her and her husband since we moved in several years back, and we've even been down to their house in the Berkshire with them as though we were uncles to their children. She phoned to say she's divorcing her husband. For a couple of years she's been very stoic about how hard her husband works, because he was often getting home very late. The truth is out now, the reason he was being late must have been that he was spending his evenings with another woman and she can't tolerate that.

I often wonder whether boyfriend number 1 knows that I'm no good at monogamy. But I absolutely adore him. We still have sex, although nowhere near as frequently as we did when we first met, and I couldn't live without him. But I'm also addicted to meeting other guys for casual sex, which I sometimes think of as just a kind of hobby. The casual sex hobby doesn't provide the companionship I need as well.

In spite of my addiction I would never have an affair like the guy next door did. The core fabric of our relationship is the companionship aspect, and I don't think casual sex damages that at all. Although perhaps I'm starting to get close to the danger point with overseas surrogate boyfriends like P in Singapore.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Back in the gym in London in the men's sauna

The sauna in the men's changing room at the gym I go to was crowded this morning. Usually only a couple of guys are using it, but this morning there are 4 guys inside when I walk in, and then 2 more come in almost immediately. Last year, the gym management put up a sign outside the sauna to say that shorts had to be worn in inside "for hygine reasons", but no one takes any notice. So as usual, most of us are naked. You can't see what's happening inside unless you walk along past the showers to where the sauna is situated, so the privacy makes it possible to have some fun there, although its still a bit risky.

I know a few of the guys there this morning. E and S are both inside when I enter, and J is one of the 2 guys who come in shortly after me. W is around in the changing room although he doesn't seem to come into the sauna any more.

The problem with a crowded sauna is that the more people there are, the less chance there is of any action. But its still good fun, looking at each other's naked bodies, trying to work whether someone is gay, straight, and whether they have any idea of the activities that go on there. As a rule of thumb, if you catch someone's eye then they do know what goes on, and are interested in participating. Straight men just don't catch each other's eyes in that kind of situation.

While we're waiting for the non-participants to leave I talk to J. He's just come back from holiday in Switzerland. I have my suspisions that S is a potential participant but I'm not sure so I want to ask J whether he can shed any light on this. But I can't really ask while the non-participants are present.

It takes a while for all the non-participants to leave. Although E is definitely a participant he leaves too, presumbaly he needs to get to work. Of course there's always a danger that other non-participants will take their place. Today however we are lucky, although both me and J end up getting to work slighly late this morning.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Monday, final day

Another bad night’s sleep. It must be the lack of men to share my bed at night. Still, I’ll be going home tonight, and boyfriend number 1 should still be in bed when I get home, so there’ll be cuddles to have :-)

There’s still the question of P in my mind. Haven’t heard a peep out of him. Should I call? No, still not sure of his motives. If only P had been around to share my bed at night. After a long, constructive day in the Singapore office I leave for the hotel to pack.

It’s now 7:15pm. I’m a bit smelly so I take off my clothes to shower before packing. I turn the shower on, step into the cubicle, and am about to step under the water when my mobile goes. Typical! I rush out of the shower, luckily still dry, but when I answer the phone "Hi, its P, I’m just back from Thailand, still at the airport. What time did you say your flight is tonight? Can we do supper somewhere?" I can’t believe it! "Can you come to my hotel?" I ask, "We could have supper here. There’s a car picking me up from here at 9:15pm but I think we have time". "Just give me half an hour", he says, "and I’ll be there". I skip the shower in favour of a quick hand wash, then frantically pack. I just about manage to pack everything into my bags within the half-hour.

Half an hour and a bit more has passed so I phone him. I’m concerned; we’re running out of time. "Where are you?" I ask. "Just arrived back home, just 15 minutes more and I’ll be with you", he says. I don’t at all believe he can do everything he'll want to do and be here in 15 minutes, but somehow I’m relaxed. There’s something in the way he’s speaking to me that has re-assured me. 15 minutes passes, then 30 and I’m not relaxed any more, I’m excited because I know he’ll soon be here. After 40 minutes the phone in my room rings and he’s in the lobby.

When I get down to the lobby I can’t see him. I phone him but he doesn’t answer, instead I see him approaching slowly. Gently, he puts his arms right round me and gives me an enormous hug right in the middle of the hotel lobby. I hug him, and it feels really good. It’s now 8:30pm and my car will be here in 45 minutes, so we head for the hotel’s café/restaurant and order some food. He’s been with four other friends for a short holiday in Thailand. Why couldn’t I have given him more notice? I explain that the office politics had meant I couldn’t get an invite to the conference in Indonesia until a few days beforehand. We share each others food, and behave like we’ve been long term boyfriends for ages. "You’d better get going" he says, "your car will be here soon". I settle the bill and look at my watch - its 9:07pm. "I’ll come up and help you carry your bags", he offers.

When we get to my room, I explain that this is the biggest room that I’ve ever been given at this hotel. But he’s not listening. He comes up to me and slowly and puts his hand round my waist. I put my hand on his back, and rub it gently up and down. We find ourselves hugging, tightly, like we don’t ever want to let go. We look each other deeply in the eyes and then we start kissing each other, slowly, enjoying every moment. But there's no time. We hug some more. I’ve lost complete track of time. Luckily P hasn’t and lets go slightly. "Why can’t I have a boyfriend like you" he sighs. "I’m sure you will have one day" I say, "you really deserve one".

In the lobby he waits while I check out and then sees me to the car. The driver has just got out to come and try and find me. We hug tightly again as my luggage is loaded into the car. "E-mail me when you get home" he says. "I will" I promise, and I mean it. We wave goodbye.

As I drive off, I see P wandering along the pavement. I wave but he doesn’t see me. I love boyfriend number 1 the most, but I think I now love P too. I think about D over in New York. On the way to the airport, I wonder how many men is it possible for a gay man to love at once.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Sunday

I sleep badly. Its 3pm and I’m almost wide awake. At 6am I phone boyfriend number one to wish him good night, as its 10pm in London. I doze and doze, and eventually its 10:30am, I’m still in bed, and I feel absolutely knackered. Why can’t I shake the jet-lag? My one task for the day will be to buy boyfriend number 1 a nice present from Singapore. And maybe something for my sister’s kids if anything suitable presents itself.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Saturday night in Singapore

I get back to the hotel in Singapore around 8pm. I send P a txt msg to tell him my room number and for now, I decide to try and forget him. The ball’s now in his court. Some local colleagues from the bank had offered to take me out on Saturday night but I declined, preferring to find my own entertainment as usual. Their favourite venue is called Top Ten and is some kind of club with loose girls so definitely not my cup of tea.

Why can’t I be happy with boyfriend number 1, whom I love dearly, and whom I’m sure loves me dearly too? Why am I so weak-willed when it comes to monogamy? I give in as usual, set up my laptop, and go into the chat rooms.

Just like Wednesday night, I get a lot of Asian guys wanting to talk to me. I feel I should point out that this level of attention is unusual. For some reason Singapore just seems to be full of potato queens. I start chatting to a few of them. One guy wants to come round to my hotel room and give me a blow job. Well I’d enjoy that but he doesn’t sound like surrogate boyfriend material. I eventually decide to try and arrange for a 23 year old Asian guy to visit me, who sounds lovely. He tells me he’s very shy, and we’ll have to have all the lights out otherwise he won’t be able to "get started". I always think it’s important to talk to a guy over the phone before meeting him so I persuade him to phone me. He phones, and tells me that he’ll have to drive in, and it will take 15-20 minutes.

Content, I disconnect and look forward to the rest of the evening. To pass the time I log on to work and focus on finishing up some reports for senior management. But an hour passes and I’m still alone. I quietly kick myself. I told the guy how to contact me, but have no way of contacting him. So if anything more promising presents itself to him he can easily change his mind knowing there’ll be no difficult calls to take from me.

Reluctantly I log back on to, but the night is still young. Back in the chat rooms there’s one Asian guy who looks gorgeous in his photos. He’s been studying in the UK, and he says he very tempted to come and visit me. But he says he "feels like shite after working an 18 hour shift", so he’ll have a shower and see how he feels after that. Poor guy, what kind of boss makes him work for 18 hours?

Meanwhile there’s a 25 year old guy who’s occasionally chatting to me. I can tell he’s also chatting to a lot of other guys; otherwise his responses would be faster. Slowly he starts to talk to me a bit quicker so maybe I’m moving to the top of his list. Yes, he says he can be here in 15 minutes. This time I want his phone number, which he eventually gives me. He tells me his name and I give him a call. It sounds like he’s in a busy place. "When I arrive, can I come straight up to the hotel room, or do I need a key-card to make the lifts work", he asks. I tell him he can come straight up to the room.

Interestingly, the last time I stayed in this hotel it was necessary to have a key-card to operate the lifts. I ponder that key-card operated lifts are unpopular with some of their guests, the kind of guests like me perhaps, who like to be visited quietly in their rooms. Had commercial pressure forced them into allowing easier access to the rooms? Maybe there are some things which gays and heteros have in common.

But he doesn’t show any interest in logging off. So I carry on chatting to him through Eventually I found out why .... "fancy a 3sme?". "Sure, but who’s the other guy?" I reply, "does this other guy have a profile?". To my surprise, the other guy doesn’t seem to. I would have expected the offer of a threesome to be the result of one of the other conversations he was obviously having on Apparently there are photos of the other guy on msn, but I don’t know how to access them, as I’ve never used msn for online cruising. I tell him I’m happy with him alone or a threesome if I can find out something about the other guy. So he relays some details, "he’s really lean tone" he starts. "Sounds great", I say. "He’s quite hairy too". "But I don’t really like hairy guys" I lie, trying to force a conclusion at last. "OK then", he says, "don’t worry, I’m coming over. I’ll be 15 minutes".

And around 15 minutes later there’s a knock at my door. He comes in confidently and looks me up and down, slightly unsure. "Can I use the bathroom?" he asks, avoiding eye contact. "Sure". He speaks English with a very strong Chinese accent which I find slightly hard to understand. But when he comes out of the bathroom he seems to have made up his mind. He comes up to me very close, and starts rubbing his whole body against mine. We lift each others loose shirts off, and I notice he’s extremely slim and muscley. "Are you Chinese?" I ask, and he nods. Soon we're lying with each other on the bed. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to be a cuddler. Within 15 minutes we're mopping up and putting some clothes back on.

I offer him a drink. He takes a fruit juice from the mini-bar and we start chatting. He seems more interested in me that I had expected. He is sitting in one of the chairs, and I’m on the bed. He lives such a different life to me, and I get the impression that his family has a business that's stereotypically Chinese such as a Chinese restaurant or jade antiques or something. He's got family in Sydney that he'll be visiting soon for 3 months. He tells me about a website called, "it’s where the Asian guys are", he says. Then he comes and lies on the bed, burying himself in the pillows next to me. I try cuddling him, which he now seems to enjoy. "Stay the night here with me", I say. "But I’ve got to be up really early at 8am" he says. He seems tempted but not tempted enough. He surprises me again by leaving me his e-mail address, so I give him mine. We kiss at the door and he’s gone.

Now, after three bad, jet-lagged nights sleep, surely I’ll get a decent bit of kip tonight.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Friday at the conference

Would P make me a happy bunny by staying in Singapore for the weekend? At the conference it’s the afternoon coffee break so I phone him. "I’m just phoning to find out how you are today", I say. "Oh I’m fine," he says and pauses. "I’m in Thailand now". I feel more than a bit upset. Unless I can find another surrogate boyfriend on Saturday night, I’m going to have to spend Sunday alone. "Have a lovely time" I say, "and if you get back in time on Monday perhaps we could meet up before I fly back". I’m not sure exactly when my flight is though. Later I check my flight and txt msg him to tell him my flight doesn’t leave until 11:20pm. Hopefully there will be time to meet him, although I’m not at all sure what his motives are. Come to think of it, I’m not sure what my motives are now either?

Friday, February 04, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Lunch with P on Thursday

Where should I go with P for lunch? I get a few recommendations from colleagues at the bank. I try to make a reservation at one of them but the phone just rings and rings. Around 10:30am I think I’d better phone to confirm with P otherwise he might think I’d forgotten about the arrangement.

"Hi P is that you?" I ask. "Yes it’s me", he says "but I’m not feeling too well, I’ve been up all night. I think it was something I ate on the plane back from the Philippines. Do you mind if we postpone?". "It’s lucky I called you then, I’ve been trying to book a restaurant but they haven’t been answering." "Oh have you" says P sounding touched, "well let’s do it anyway. Why don’t you come up and meet me near Orchard Road where we met last time?" So it was all agreed, I’d get a cab around noon to meet P around 12:15.

But it is not to be. At 11:30am P calls me. "Did you get my message?" he starts, "I’m feeling worse, and I don’t think I can make it after all, I’m even thinking about cancelling my trip to Thailand on Friday". I don’t know what to think. Is he toying with me, not replying to my original e-mail until it was almost too late to arrange to get together, and now finding a ruse to cancel the one meeting that seemed possible? Or perhaps the trip to Thailand was originally just a ruse to avoid meeting me, but then having actually spoken to me he decided he did want to meet me after all and hence a new ruse to undo the original ruse? My head is spinning. We agree to stay in touch and I hope he feels better soon.

Early evening, just after I’ve arrived in Indonesia for the conference, I get a txt msg from him: "Can u give me a call when u can. I’m feeling worse". I phone immediately. "Oh no", he says "I’m feeling much better now. That was the message I sent you this morning". Now the Asian txt msg systems are toying with me too. And I wonder what his plans are for Thailand now, given that he’s managed to avoid meeting me for lunch but now feels better.

I want to hear a friendly voice so I phone boyfriend number 1 in London.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Singapore trip Feb 2005. Wednesday, first night

I hadn't seen P since my last business trip to Singapore in 2002. Since then I had only e-mailed him once, to check he was OK when the SARS epidemic had hit Asia in 2003. Originally P had been a little flirtation from my visit in 2001 and we had spent several lovely nights together. But having seen him again in 2002, I hoped I could rely on him to be my surrogate boyfriend for my Singapore trips. We got on well together and I enjoyed his company. This trip had been arranged at short notice and when the time arrived for me to leave for Heathrow, P had still not replied to my e-mail.

So I arrive in Singapore early in the evening, and when I get to the hotel and log on I see that I have one e-mail in my hotmail account. I’m a bit excited. I click to see who it’s from and indeed, it’s from him.

"hi, of course i remember you. How can a guy like me forget someone so sweet like you.I just got back from the philippines a while ago. I'll be in Singapore for a couple of days, leaving for Thailand on Friday and returning only on Monday. I'd love to see you though, even just for a day. Give me a call. Hugs, P"

I feel very happy. But it is already Wednesday evening, and I am going to be leaving Singapore on Thursday afternoon for the conference in Indonesia, so unless he could meet me that evening or for lunch on Thursday it was going to be difficult. While pondering the possibilities, I phone boyfriend number 1 in London to tell him I’ve arrived safely.

During the course of the early evening I phone P several times but there are no replies. I also send him an e-mail with my hotel and room number details. I have a suspicion that he is avoiding me, and that he doesn't like my secret little idea of having a lovely Singaporean boyf on tap for my visits.

Incidentally, I think I have the same attitude to business trips as many of my hetero colleagues - business trips are an opportunity for having fun. Being gay has distinct advantages in this respect. The heteros can visit their lap dancing clubs, or pay for their call girls, but it’s all a bit superficial and driven by money. The gay male visitor on the other hand can easily tap into the local gay scene where everyone is on equal terms.

By 9:30pm I have not heard from P so I log on to to search for alternatives. I have not used the gay chat rooms in Singapore for several years and I am completely amazed by the response I get when I log on. Within 5 minutes there are over 10 guys wanting to talk to me. I am just in the process of arranging a visit from one of the more promising prospects when P calls me at my hotel. Luckily I have not finalised the arrangements so maybe I can still meet P after all.

As I had suspected, P was still without a boyfriend, but seemed well. "Yes, I'm still with the same boyf" I told him, "It’s been over 15 years with him now". He is evasive when I suggest that we meet that evening, so we agree to meet for lunch tomorrow before I leave for the conference.

We hang up, so I go back to I want to find someone to welcome me to Singapore. After a bit of negotiating, it was settled, a nice young Asian guy wants to visit me in my hotel room. A possible hiccup - did I mind that he's a bit stocky he asks? Poor guy must have had a bad experience with a body fascist in the past, I think he looks great. I let him e-mail me a few more photos and I still think he looks great. I’m now really looking forward to meeting him.

I meet him in the hotel lobby and we go up to my room. He seems slightly nervous. He is an accountancy student, and he's been studying in New York. Gradually we get down to business, and he is gorgeous. Like me he enjoys cuddling - I'm not a fan of guys who are in too much of a hurry to cuddle. He smells lovely too, and half way through he tells me it’s thanks to Body Shop.

"Why don't you stay the night?" I ask him later. I do miss not having company in bed at night for cuddling. "I'd like to" he says, "but I really can't. I've got some important things to do tomorrow and if I stay here we won't get a wink of sleep". Probably just as well I think, I’ve got a job to do here too and I want to put on a good show for the sake of my staff back in London. So he leaves just before midnight to avoid the after-midnight taxi surcharge.

In spite of a good session, I can tell jet lag is going to be a problem. I sleep badly, going through all the scenarios I'm likely to encounter when I meet P for lunch. Whatever happens, I'm looking forward to seeing him.