The origin of my infidelity

It's hard to believe now but I was monogamous for the first 5 years of my relationship with boyfriend number 1. There was almost an incident with an ex-boyf but in the end we didn't even touch each other (we just watched each other wank), so I think it's fair to say I managed monogamy for 5 years. Before the relationship started I had enjoyed the standard gay lifestyle of sleeping with lots of different guys, but once settled with boyfriend number 1 that was all behind me.

Surprisingly perhaps, it wasn’t the arrival of the internet which triggered my downfall. I’d been an investment banker since before I met boyfriend number 1, and it was on a business trip to New York in 1994 that the important event occurred. Of course New York has changed a bit since then. In particular there’s been the big crackdown on ‘vice’ which Major Giuliani instigated, however Giuliani had only been elected the previous year and when I visited the crackdown hadn't really got going yet.

So back in 1994 I arrive in New York early on Sunday evening, to be in the bank's New York office for the whole of the following week. I know my colleagues will take me out on one or two nights, but the rest of the time I’ll have to make my own entertainment. For this purpose I had noted down the names and addresses of a few New York gay bars from a copy of Spartacus, the worldwide gay guide which me and boyfriend number 1 had at home in London.

When visiting New York from London I think its important to stay up late, to give oneself a reasonable chance of sleeping through the night and beating the jet-lag. So after I check into my hotel, I hop in a cab to one of the bars on the list I brought from London. Its a bar called Splash on W 17th Street. While I’m there I don’t talk to anyone except the barman, I just drink a single beer and have a look around. So here it is, a sample of gay New York City. After the beer I go back to the hotel, but on my way out I pick up a copy of the free gay listing paper HX.

Back in the hotel I read through HX. When I get to the back there are the sex listings: saunas, sex clubs, porn cinemas, arcades, phone sex numbers, all the usual stuff. The thought sticks with me and later in the week, rather than going to a gay bar on my own and not talking to anyone, I think it might be just as good to go to one of the sex venues and not talk to anyone. I am confident in my self-control, if anything is going on I’ll just be a voyeur I decide. Otherwise I’ll just watch the porn to get ideas for better sex with boyfriend number 1 :-)

I select an arcade called the “Banana Club” in midtown, “where Bananas meet other Bananas”. I take a cab, go in, and pay my $11 entry fee. Inside everything is very dark, all painted black, loads of winding corridors leading round in circles connecting rooms with varying levels of darkness, with a few screens showing hard gay porn in the open spaces. Apart from me there only seem to be a few other guys around. I guess that I’m a bit early.

Looking around by the light of one of the screens I can see that one of the other guys is gorgeous. We look at each other and I walk on. As I continue walking round the different rooms, I occasionally see him. We catch each other’s eye once or twice. Eventually I sit on a bench to watch one of the porn screens, and soon this other guy is standing there looking at me. I catch his eye again, he smiles at me, and finally I smile back. That, there and then, was the crucial mistake.

Slowly he comes and sits down next to me. I turn to look at him, and can’t help smiling at him again. He puts his hand on my knee and I know I’m lost. He looks so lovely. We start kissing, and soon he puts his hand on my crotch. I reciprocate. To use the American terminology, we end up jacking each other off!

I didn’t feel very guilty afterwards either. I knew I still loved boyfriend number 1. Now, over ten years and hundreds of men later, I still love him. But back in 1994, that was the event which made me realise that I’m not very good at monogamy.