Tuesday, September 13, 2005

It is really possible to be an asexual human being?

Since I came out as gay, I’ve always had my doubts. When I was at school and university there were various people who didn’t seem to be interested in ‘mating’. I was one of them. Really deep down I knew I was gay, but the idea didn’t appeal so it was suppressed. After I left university I came out to myself, spent a night with another man, and haven’t really ever looked back!

But what about the other guys I knew who didn’t seem interested in sex? In theory I guess there are three possibilities:

• Closet gay like I was, can’t face up to it because of social pressure to be heterosexual
• Straight but incurably shy and introverted, especially with the opposite gender. Guys in this category are serious candidates for a Queer eye for the straight guy makeover!
• Asexual

As I’ve got older though, everyone I’ve known who wasn’t either openly gay or straight has gradually fallen into either the gay or straight category. Like yesterday for example.

Following my visit to France to be best man at a wedding last weekend (Heterosexual religious rituals), I send round a few e-mails to some old friends who know the guy who’s just got married. There’s a guy who lives in Cardiff now who I’ve only seen once in the last 20 years, but since he knew the friend who’s just got married quite well I manage to get his e-mail address from google and send him an e-mail too. Within an hour I’ve got a reply


Good to hear your news.

News from me: I'm fine. I have also finally got around to confronting my sexuality, with the result that I now have a partner called Jason. I have not told everyone (though I did tell XXX and YYY for example) but obviously I thought this would interest you in particular. Better late than never, I suppose!

It would be great to meet up,



Needless to say I wasn’t expecting this. In fact it’s rather embarrassing. Having sent the e-mail from the bank, when I get the reply my colleagues want to know why I’m laughing uncontrollably! Of course I’m not laughing at him (every gay guy who went through a closet phase knows how difficult it is), but I am laughing at the situation. I send back a supportive e-mail

Well it's not every day I get an e-mail like this! Very good to hear your news, if your experience is anything like mine I imagine you're much happier, which is the important thing. I'll leave it to you to distribute your news at your own pace, how long have you been with Jason?

Do you ever come to London? It would certainly be good to meet you again, especially now it's clear that we have something else in common.


This guy really was one of the great asexuals that I have known. Provided we all live long enough, I’m starting to feel confident that the asexual category will finish up completely empty as far as all my friends and acquaintances go.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I suppose there are quite a few people who struggle with accepting there sexuality but i would like to point out that asexuality is real and not a "phase" i myself am asexual i have never struggled with my sexuality and i'm very open minded i have just never been aroused or attracted to anyone in my life.

Megan Bunn