A few weeks ago, I got the following email from a new reader:
Dear GB,
I'm newly acquainted to your blog, but from what I've seen so far, your guidance and solutions are marvellous. That is why I'm seeking your help. You see, I have a typical story. I'm in love with my best friend. I'm 18, short, and a bit shy and feeble. He sees me more of a playful little brother. He's smart, sweet, clever, a bit devious, and caring, even to a point where he deals with my annoying antics. My friend has a girlfriend, and not to be rude, but she is completely wrong for him. First off she lied to him in the start for impersonating a guy. Then my friend worries about her to death. From drugs and alcohol to being jealous of her friends, and because of the distance he feels so helpless. The problems are all in his head, plus he's obsessed with her and can go on for hours in detail about her. I'm glad he can show such passion for this but how can I convince him that she's no good and that he'd be better off with me?
Sincerely, a smitten friend from afar.
When I first read the email, the reader's situation seemed quite clear, because it reminded me of the way I felt about some of my best male friends when I was his age. So it was clear to me that he was a young gay guy who had a crush on one of his straight friends. That's never a good idea, because those situations usually end badly, often with a loss of friendship.
However, the reader clearly wasn't thinking along those lines. To help him come to terms with the situation, I sent him an email in which I suggested that the title of this post should be "Email from a guy with a crush on his best friend". Within a couple of days he replied, saying that he wasn't sure yet what an appropriate title would be. The good thing about that comment is that he'd clearly started thinking about whether he did have a crush on his friend or not. I responded by saying that although I'd use the word "keen" rather than "crush", the original title might be closer to the truth. I went on to suggest that he should start thinking about how to find himself a nice boyfriend, in case the situation with his friend didn't work out.
The description that the reader gives of his friend, and especially the fact that his friend worries about his girlfriend, strongly suggests to me that his friend is straight. So the honest truth is that I see little hope that the reader and his friend might become boyfriends. However, although the reader doesn't mention it, my best guess is that the reader hasn't come out to his best friend yet. If the reader feels comfortable with his sexuality, then I think he should come out to his friend. The way the friend reacts should then guide the reader in terms of whether his friend really is straight or not. Then even if the friend is straight, with everything out in the open, it seems likely that at least the two of them will remain friends.
Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
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9 comments:
I used to be in love with my best friend. He is gay also. On paper we were absolutely perfect for each. I was head over heels in love. One night during the height of my infatuation, we shared a bed and spooned for the night. I don't think he realized the significance at the time. But I didn't sleep a wink all night, I just stayed awake, enjoying every minute.
I was in a similar situation as well. My best friend was/is straight, and after I came out to him, he acted the exact same way. I never had a guy that knew I was gay still act that kind around me, and that's when I grew a crush on him. My life felt like a poorly written Taylor Swift song where I was the one comforting him and knew what to do to make him feel better while all of these girls were making him feel bad. It was rough, and after a few months of that, I broke down and told him my feelings. It was awkward for a couple of months, but we knew our friendship was way too important and worked our butts off to keep it working. He's still my best friend, and my feelings are mostly gone. I still have a soft spot for him, but his friendship means too much to me and I know that I will meet someone someday. As the wise father from the movie Sixteen Candles once said "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else."
One of the biggest things I have found with gay life is establishing the friend-romance boundary. It is a problem that straights beat to death; girls not wanting their boys to have girl friends, etc.
We get none of this simplicity. We are expected to establish models for love that separate our possible interests from friendship. And the boundary is always blurred for us.
Friendship relationships go deeper than many of the physical ones. It is the need to bond in the mind that drives this.
I have friends that I love completely. They know this. They are straight. And they love me. Only once did I ever cross that boundary, and I had to write a letter (hoping my best mate would forgive me) explaining the situation and taking a month apart. I spent the whole month listening to Lisa Mitchell -So Jealous.
I only realised the situation I was in when he got a fuck buddy. I felt like I was on fire.
I pose to you mate that you have never been actually loved by someone you want to love you. When that happens, you will finally understand the difference between pointless yearning and true connection.
And if that isn't true, ask why you are falling for the unattainable. Is it because you aren't ready for love and you really want to be, and a mate would be the safest bet. Or that you aren't prepared to risk your heart to trampling.
As a gay man reading through your blog I am not shocked that bankers are at the heart of the rot of our society - the blog gives a great insight to the lifestyle of a banker.
I wish more would enter the productive professions in the sciences that act to improve human society not rip it down.
nope it isn't a good idea. I lost my best friend at about 20 like that. Came out to him, made love to me and never saw him again.
Joe
It has been my experience that being in "love" with a straight friend is going to be a frustrating and painful experience. So often we as gay men are attracted to what we can't have. I'd say to this reader to invest his time and emotions in someone that's GAY. Very rarely does the straight friend turn to you after you've poured out your heart and confessed your love for him and say, "Oh my God, I was scared to say anything...I'm secretly gay and I want you too!"
keep up the great responses, love the blog. later
dan
Hello Mr. GB....I enjoy reading your post and wish you had more time to write on regular basis because I can relate to you since I am also a banker...have a great day, Mr. GB
From your avid reader in Southern California, USA
Bad idea. I mean telling your best straight best friend about your crush on him. Telling him to dump his girlfriend for you, is even worse.
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