Thursday, March 22, 2012

Preparing for your first gay date

Late one evening a few days ago, a young gay guy sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm a 17 year old who's recently "come to terms" (correct phrase?) with being gay. Lately I've been using Grindr to chat to other like-minded folk and for the past few days I've been talking to a guy (a year older) who I really like. We live local, have exchanged numbers and so far the conversation has gone really well, even more so the fact he's asked me if I want to meet for coffee this weekend, and this is where I need some help!

Do you have any advice on how to treat a first date? I'm trying not to think of it as a first date, more of a "get to know each other over coffee". I'm very nervous and have no idea how to approach anything, taboo subjects for a first date? We have plenty in common but I'm terrible in social situations anyway, never mind a one-on-one discussion with essentially someone I've known less than a week.

Sorry, this email has turned into a rambling, essentially I just want any pointers you can give me for this nerve-racking experience.

Thanks GB!

As I said in my last posting, I've started trying to reply immediately to these kind of emails, so the next day I sent him the following:

Just be yourself :-). I know it'll be hard to do, but try and relax and be cool about everything. That's by far the most important advice.

In terms of moving from coffee to *coffee*, body language and especially eye contact is the natural way to communicate. You've seen it in films (no doubt in heterosexual contexts), the boy doesn't ask the girl "Um, is it OK if I kiss you now?", instead they look passionately into each other's eyes, their faces move closer, their lips move closer and closer, and ... :-).

Beyond that, take things one step at a time, and if you don't feel comfortable about anything along the way then don't feel forced to do anything as a result of the other guy's expectations. Everyone has to have their first date, their first kiss, their first *encounter*, and all sensible people know that. So if a more experienced person makes a less experienced person feel uncomfortable, then they're being stupid and it's not worth wasting time getting to know them. If he's only 1 year older then he may not be very experienced either. But early on it might help to say something like "I've never done anything like this before" to set expectations appropriately, because that might help to defuse any nerves you have.

If you end up getting very intimate (e.g. naked etc) then I reckon blunt talking is fine. At that stage there's no longer any question mark about what's going on, which makes it's easy to mention subjects which might be considered taboo in everyday conversation. So e.g. if you've been mutually wanking and he wants to move to fucking, blunt statements like "I'd never fuck anyone without a condom" or "I'd never let anyone fuck me without a condom" are fine (and necessary if you have the slightest thought that he may want bareback sex). Also fine would be "I not comfortable with anal sex" if that's the way you feel.

Above all, dating (and *playing* around with other guys!) is fun, so enjoy yourself. There's no point in doing it if you're not going to have a good time :-).

Good luck, GB xxx

PS: Of course, usual internet dating precautions apply. Hopefully you've seen at least a face pic of this guy so that you'll be able to call it all off it someone else turns up, etc.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject?


Mind Of Mine said...

I think the advice given is pretty solid.

However, I have a dating tip which I use quite often. I usually only go on a date with someone whom I have something specific in common.

I don't start with this, cuz it might burn out too soon. If you find the conversation stilted or there are too many awkward silences, then bring it up. It will put you both at ease and it shall make further conversation flow more freely as you will get more comfortable with each other.

Other than that, try not to over think it and have fun.

Leo said...

That's all good advice, but I think before this guy even gets to worrying about having sex with the guy, he is more nervous about meeting someone for the first time, what is the right way of having a conversation, and the etiquette, 'dos and donts' for first dates.

The only advice I would give there is that there are no rules about this kind of thing. I would repeat what Mind of Mine said and advise him not to over-think it or plan out anything to say before hand. That is likely to get you more worked up by imagining potential conversations and trying to remember what you planned to say. Instead just let the conversation run its natural course, be yourself as GB says.
If there is a lull in the conversation, ask him something about himself!

Most of all, just try and enjoy it without putting huge expectations on it! There have been countless times in my life I have thought someone I talked to online or on grindr was the one, only to meet and find we didn't have as much in common as I thought. Sometimes we never met again, sometimes we just had a one night stand - but some of those people are still good friends of mine. So just go and see how it goes - if you don't have chemistry it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of guys out there!

InItsGrip said...

I agree with Leo's advice: "there are no rules about this kind of thing." Many people think that on the first date, things must go a certain way: you have to hold hands, you have to kiss, etc. But it's all up to you and the person you're on the date with. Sometimes, you will be compelled to hold hands and/or kiss. Other times, no.

Dates are supposed to be fun and getting to know the other person. As GB said, eye contact and body language can help get the point across if you feel you want to pursue anything.

They sound scary, and people's advice on them can get pretty scary too. Just breathe, be yourself, and see where the occasion takes you.

Anonymous said...

So how did it go?