The boyfriend, the alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and the blog reader

Last week, I received an email from a reader about the two main relationships that he's had in his life, which is a sad and fascinating story. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I stumbled upon your Blog a few weeks ago and I must say, it's riveting! Firstly I suspect we're of a similar age, and from what I gather, have similar interests and outlook in life, so I relate to much of what you say in your blog. Secondly, you write with a refreshingly honest approach, fluid and natural, it makes for a good read. Thank you. However, my email has a double purpose. I'd be very interested to hear your advice on something that has, and continues to be a big problem in my life. I'll try and keep it brief.

I met my now ex-boyfriend 'A' when I was 28, he was 26 and a thoroughly nice, attractive and fun young guy. I had not had a boyfriend prior to him, I hadn't even come out really, though shortly after we got together I introduced him to my family and they embraced both my being gay and having a partner. His family, after sometime getting use to the idea also accepted me. For the next 10 years we had a very successful relationship. We enjoyed each other's company, had numerous wonderful holidays abroad, a nice home, and were extremely loyal to each other living a monogamous relationship. However, throughout this period 'A' was always a heavy drinker, what started in the early years as a bottle of wine every night progressed to two bottles, then slowly ended up being a problem that took over his life. In around the 10th year of our relationship I returned from a business trip to discover empty wine bottles hidden in a cupboard. I thought this to be unusual as 'A' had never hidden his drinking at all. I also noticed that he was smelling of alcohol at eleven o clock in the morning. Thank goodness I was at home with him that morning as 'A' collapsed with an alcohol induced seizure, the first of many! I had never seen such a traumatic thing in my life. 'A' spent the rest of that day in hospital and I finally accepted that his drinking was now an addiction. Over the next two years, despite pleading with him to get help and stop, he wouldn't. I tried just about everything imaginable to help him, but to no avail. I became his carer and my life just stopped. I became isolated from friends and even more importantly my family, both of which were starting to say that I should walk away before his drinking destroyed both of us.

Then, one afternoon, while 'A' was sleeping off his mornings drinking, I met 'B' a beautiful young guy (via an ad) for some 'no strings' fun. I'd never done anything like this before, but I was becoming increasingly frustrated at not having any kind of physical Interaction with a guy ('A' and I had at this point been sleeping apart for some time).

'B' and I had agreed to meet that afternoon. Immediately upon meeting we were both instantly attracted to each other, despite there being an age gap. After a lovely afternoon we decided to keep in touch. I was honest with him and told him of my situation with 'A', and 'B' was incredibly understanding and said that he wanted to help me. Over the next couple of months 'B' and I became close. We were slowly falling in love.

Both my parents and friends had been telling me for some time that I had to leave 'A' as there was nothing left to do, that I wasn't able to save him, time to ask him to leave our home. 'B' was keen to move in with me, though looking back it was way too early for this to happen because I'd not sorted out or officially ended my relationship with 'A'. However, I decided to send 'A' abroad to stay with some friends of his. They knew about our situation and felt that it could be a good idea as there were some excellent doctors in the part of the world where they lived who specialised in alcohol related addictions and they were more affordable long term than the treatment programs in the UK. So 'A' reluctantly travelled abroad to give the treatment program a try, but after only a week, he returned. His friends found looking after him for just a week exhausting and couldn't cope. 'A' simply didn't want to stop drinking.

At the time that 'A' had left to go abroad for the treatment program I had thought optimistically that he would be away for several months and return sober, healthy and in a position to move on with his life and accept that irreparable damage had been done to our relationship. But as I said, this was not meant to be.

During 'A's week abroad I'd moved boyfriend 'B' into my home. In hindsight this was, of course, an utterly ridiculous thing to do. Not only was it too early to start a proper relationship with another guy, it was incredibly traumatic for 'A' when he returned, making his drinking even worse. It was 'B' that insisted I not let 'A' back into my home, and effectively packed up 'A's personal possessions and took them to the door for him to collect. I think looking back, I moved boyfriend 'B' in with me in order to keep 'A' away as I knew that I was getting close to cracking with the relentless pressure of looking after an alcoholic. But I should never have allowed 'B' to pack up 'A's things and throw him out of the home that we had shared for 11 years. I stood by and allowed this to happen and I deeply regret this.

Over the next year, 'A' stayed on people's sofas, continuing to drink. I had planned to raise further funds to buy 'A' out of the home we owned together, he would then be able to buy himself a decent flat in the same area. I would see him often, drinking alone in local bars as I passed by doing my local food shop. I would often invite him back to our home to cook him a proper meal, he would come surprisingly, despite my new boyfriend 'B' being there, but he was of course always intoxicated with alcohol. It's important to note that at this point I still loved 'A' and cared about him enormously, but he was an alcoholic, he didn't want to stop drinking and had become unrecognisable from the bright joyful guy that I had fallen in love with. 'B' could see that I still loved and cared for 'A' and was trying to make me cut 'A' from my life completely.

Things continued like this for about a year, until one evening, after I'd returned from a business trip for two weeks abroad, I called 'A' to see if he would like to come over to the home for dinner with myself and boyfriend 'B'. 'A' turned up looking extremely ill, I could see that something was very wrong. The next day I insisted that he go to see his doctor, who after hearing my plea that 'A' looked like he was dying and something needed to be done immediately, agreed and sent him straight to the nearest accident and emergency department. 'A' was admitted to hospital but over the next few days his health deteriorated rapidly. His liver was giving up.

I cannot put into words how I felt seeing someone that I loved, lying there fighting for their life because of an addiction. Of course it was inevitable that he was going to end up in this place, his drinking had been un-stoppable. I don't believe you can cure an addict because they have to want to cure themselves. An addict will be able to go to the most extraordinary lengths to get their fix. 'A' stayed in hospital for over three months. I visited nearly every day, often feeding him as he was too weak to pick up a spoon. Throughout this period boyfriend 'B' was unaware of all these visits. He was aware and saddened of 'A's condition, but felt it the right time to make a final cut from 'A'. Many of my close friends and family were also saying the same thing. They all took the common belief that 'A's condition was 'self-inflicted'. The good news is that 'A' survived. Finally he wanted to survive, he wanted to cure himself, he wanted back his life. But he wanted his life back with me!

I had moved on, I was now a few years into a new relationship with 'B'. I had not predicted that 'A' would finally give up alcohol and return to his old self. Everyone said that it wasn't possible, that he had gone past the point of no return, that I was to prepare myself for the worst, move on and try and find happiness with someone else in the future.

I'd met 'B' who was a shoulder to cry on during all of this, he was more adult than 'A' and although we had a different relationship to the one I had with 'A', (probably due to the fact that there was an age difference and we hadn't both started out in life together in our early years), we had a good life together and a great physical relationship like one I'd never really experienced before.

But boyfriend 'B' made it perfectly clear that if our relationship had a fighting chance then I would have to have nothing to do with 'A' upon him leaving hospital. I agreed to this, though deep down I knew I wouldn't be able to stick by my word.

Over the following two to three years 'A' didn't touch a drop of alcohol. He made an amazing recovery. I rented a lovely flat for him so that he could rest and get back on his feet. I also took care of all his financial affairs so that he had nothing to worry about apart from getting better. I was extremely proud of him. We stayed in touch of course, meeting regularly for coffee and chats, but always I kept these meetings from boyfriend 'B'. Sometimes 'B' found out that I was still meeting up with 'A', he would find text's on my phone and would then get upset. Understandably, he was my partner now, and had been for a few years at this point, so why was I still seeing my ex when I knew full well that my ex desperately wanted me back.

Increasingly I felt that I had two boyfriends. I had never really stopped loving 'A' but was forced to leave him as there seemed at the time to be no end to his alcoholism. That's the only reason I went looking for a 'B'.

A year ago I sold the home that 'A' and myself bought 12 years ago and gave 'A' half of the profits. My earnings were always significantly higher than 'A's and it was me that really supported our lifestyle, and certainly while he was in his deepest drinking years I covered all of our expenses. But, we were a partnership and I wanted him to have an equal share of the profits from our home. 'A' had been used to a nice life, and for the most part he had been a good, loyal partner to me, so I wanted to make sure he had enough money to look after himself.

Since selling our home which was the last tie that we had together, 'A' moved into a flat alone and 'B' came with me to my new home. Over the last year 'A' realised that I was trying to make a go of things and commit to 'B', and has since started drinking again (though nowhere near the amount as before). He seems to be able to stick to a limit, he never gets drunk, but starts drinking larger, slowly from mid-day till midnight. He says that if I take him back then he would stop again and maybe he would. He says that the only reason he stopped drinking for three years was for me, to prove to me that he loved me, and that he could live a life without alcohol for me. However, he also blames me for his drinking in the first place. He has said that I didn't show him enough love and that I was always difficult to reach emotionally. There are some truths in this, but back then I was a young ambitious guy working hard and excelling in a notoriously difficult profession, he was aware of my passion on day one of meeting me. That passion enabled us to have lovely homes, regular expensive holidays, shopping trips, eating out in expensive restaurants, all the things that you think you want in your 20's and 30's. I was also loyal to 'A', and supported him in everything he wanted to do in life. I always showed him kindness and generosity. I was not always forth-coming with talking about feelings and emotions, I simply didn't feel the need to discuss these things. But, can my above short-comings really drive someone to almost kill themselves with alcohol? Or, is it really down to his genes and other more complicated issues (there is a history of alcohol abuse within his family). He seems to think not.

My problem is this: for the past five years now, despite everything, I still love and care about 'A'. The physical attraction has gone, I'm not sure why this is, but I can be sure about this. He is still very much in love with me and despite knowing full well that I'm trying to make a go of things with 'B', he is still hanging on for me.

Boyfriend 'B' is asking me to finally Let go of 'A' as he understandingly wants his partner to himself.

In conclusion, I'm now at a point where I have to choose between the two, I cannot possibly continue living my life like this having in effect, two partners. Neither of us are happy with the situation. If I decide to stick with boyfriend 'B', I know we'll have a good life together, he's reasonably solid as a person, very adult for his young years, and he shows me a great deal of love and care. My only fault with 'B' is that he needs to get a job, he takes advantage of my generosity, but we've talked about this and he's trying to fix that issue. There is also a strong physical attraction between the two us.

If however I decided to go back to 'A', although It would be wonderful to have my soul buddy back in my life and enjoy many of the things we enjoyed back then together, despite his assurances, he might never stop drinking and his liver could give up at any point like a ticking time bomb. 'A' says that if I decide to continue my life with 'B' then he never wants to see me again. For his own emotional survival he couldn't bear to see me with 'B'. So that would be the end, which seems a shame as if I did decide to stay put with 'B', I would love to remain friends with 'A'.

I worry about 'A'. I worry about what will happen to him if I don't take him back. What if his drinking spirals out of control again? Who will be there to pick him up off the floor if he were to ever have another seizure? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life that I left him alone to fend for himself knowing full well that his life could take a turn for the worse if he continues drinking? Am I allowed to go on to have a nice life with boyfriend 'B'?

I can't help feeling that I should walk away from both 'A' and 'B' and start again, probably alone for a while. My reason for thinking this is quite simply out of fairness to all of us. This way there are no winners.

But what do you think GB? Thank you for taking the time to read this, and any thoughts on the above would be greatly appreciated. I would of course understand if this is a bit on the 'heavy' side of things and not something you would like to advise on.

Kind regards,

When I read the email for the second time, I chuckled to myself when I got to the line at the end of the first paragraph which says "I'll try and keep it brief". It's certainly not a brief email, but if the reader had left anything out, it might not have fully described his situation.

There are several similarities between this reader's situation and my own situation. I also ended up splitting up from my first long-term boyfriend (i.e. ex-boyfriend S a.k.a. boyfriend number 1), and a health problem certainly played a significant part in the break-up. In my case, it was my boyfriend's mental health that was the problem, and in particular his depression. However, it's now almost 10 years since the problems with ex-boyfriend S first arose and over 5 years since he moved out of my house, and I now have an excellent friendship with him. I've realised that ex-boyfriend S is effectively part of my family now, and I have the same kind of feelings for him that I'd have for a close brother. Ex-boyfriend T understood this, and luckily boyfriend K understands this too, and as such things seem to work fine between all concerned. In my case, the fact that ex-boyfriend S has dated other guys has been a big help, because it helped both ex-boyfriend T and boyfriend K see that ex-boyfriend S isn't any kind of threat to their relationship with me. This is a big statement to make, but the way I feel is that I couldn't be boyfriends with a guy who didn't accept that ex-boyfriend S will always be an important part of my life.

It seems to me that the reader here has the same kind of feelings for his ex-boyfriend A that I have with ex-boyfriend S. Nothing is likely to change that, so any boyfriend that the reader ends up with needs to accept that fact. However, the fact that ex-boyfriend A would like to become boyfriends with the reader again complicates the situation enormously, so it's easy to understand why boyfriend B is trying to insist that the reader completely stops seeing ex-boyfriend A.

It's clear that ex-boyfriend A has a personality that succumbs to addiction, and to some extent it may be that he's become "addicted" to the reader. But for the reader, even if he splits up with boyfriend B, I can't see that another relationship with ex-boyfriend A would ever work. The reader has moved on, and trying to recapture what made their old relationship work would be like trying to recapture the way one felt in childhood. The reader's interest in A is now fraternal, and without the physical attraction that the reader once had for A there really is no hope that they can become boyfriends again. All the things that ex-boyfriend A has been saying recently, about how he ended up as an alcoholic because of the reader and about how his family history is irrelevant to his drinking problem seem ridiculous to me. Saying those things also sounds very childish and selfish too, given that ex-boyfriend A can see that the reader now has a good relationship with boyfriend B. He seems to be trying to manipulate the reader, and interfere with the reader's relationship with boyfriend B, and that's an appalling thing for a close friend or brother to do. Ex-boyfriend A is basically trying to blackmail the reader into a relationship with him, which is another reason why it'll never work because you can't start a relationship like that and expect it to work. In any case, it would be foolish of the reader to think that ex-boyfriend A could keep his promise to stay away from alcohol for very long, in the event that they did try and become boyfriends again. The reader needs to find as many ways as possible to try and make ex-boyfriend A understand that although the reader is prepared to play some part in his life, they're never ever going to be boyfriends again.

Regarding the reader, it sounds like he's been taking far too much responsibility for ex-boyfriend A's life. Ex-boyfriend A will always be there (unless his drinking finally ends up ending his life) so if the reader wants to have a life of his own, with boyfriend B or someone else, then he needs to let go to some extent. The reader needs to accept that he can't be responsible for what happens to ex-boyfriend A, and that it's not his fault if the worst finally happens and ex-boyfriend A does kill himself with drink. The reader has already done more than most other people would have done in the same situation. As I said above, I think the best way for the reader to think about ex-boyfriend A is as a needy brother, because that way of describing it captures both the kind of love that the reader now has for him, and that fact that they'll always be connected in some way. But if the reader can't have less to do with ex-boyfriend A to some extent, then I don't think he has enough emotional bandwidth for there to be anyone else in his life, whether it's boyfriend B or someone else.

Another thing that the reader has been doing which he shouldn't have been doing is meeting ex-boyfriend A without boyfriend B's knowledge. The fact that in the past the reader has tried to hide his friendship with ex-boyfriend A will only have fuelled boyfriend B's suspicions when the reader's meetings with ex-boyfriend A have been discovered. Obviously, the reader has been doing this because ex-boyfriend A has been a significant point of tension in his relationship with boyfriend B. But apart from the issue of ex-boyfriend A, it sounds like the reader has a very good relationship with boyfriend B, and it would be a pity to see this relationship come to an end. I have a lot of sympathy for boyfriend B's position because the reader has been far too involved with ex-boyfriend A. Additionally it sounds as though boyfriend B is a thoroughly sensible chap. Nonetheless if boyfriend B can't accept that ex-boyfriend A is now like some kind of brother to the reader, then I don't think that his relationship with the reader can continue. If boyfriend B and the reader do split up, then if the reader can become more detached from ex-boyfriend A, I think the best thing for the reader would be to find a new boyfriend who can accept that ex-boyfriend A is part of the reader's life. But if the reader can't become more detached, then I think the reader is relegating himself into some kind of carer role again, because as I said above I don't think there's any future in a relationship between the reader and ex-boyfriend A.

In summary, it sounds to me like the reader has had the wrong balance in his life between ex-boyfriend A and boyfriend B. I'm not suggesting a split with either or both, simply that the reader needs to focus more on boyfriend B and less on ex-boyfriend A, and accept that he's not responsible for what happens to ex-boyfriend A. Also, any interactions that the reader has with ex-boyfriend A shouldn't be hidden from boyfriend B. The mature thing for boyfriend B to do would be to be as friendly as possible to ex-boyfriend A, having confidence that ex-boyfriend A isn't a threat to his relationship with the reader. Ideally boyfriend B would adopt a kind of "good Samaritan" approach because ex-boyfriend A clearly needs help sorting his life out. Because ex-boyfriend A is important to the reader, and because the reader is boyfriend B's boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend A should be important to boyfriend B as well.

My main concern about all these ideas is that I've used my own situation with ex-boyfriend S and boyfriend K as a model for how to the reader might solve his problems. Although there are some similarities in our situations, there are some differences too, and it could be that I'm trying too hard to make what works for me work for the reader. So does anyone else have any thoughts on this reader's situation?