Sunday, February 03, 2008

Email from a woman with a bisexual ex-boyfriend

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following email from a new female reader:

Dear GB

You don't know me - but I saw your blog and thought to write you!!

I recently found out that my ex-boyfriend/lover is "bi-curious." We've talked about it and I made sure to confront/ask him about it in the most sensitive way. We are best friends and I would never want to betray that or hurt him - even though I was hurt and shocked to find out (found out through searching on the web). He said that he's never actually followed through with's just a fantasy for him. I understand him and want to be there for him, but now I'm obsessed. I check the web every other day to see if he's still active. I don't know what to do or how to handle this situation. I love him to death - but not sure how to continue with him. My trust is gone, because he never told me. And I'm not sure he's just curious...but I know he'll never tell me if he's not. Just wondering if you have any advise for me... On how to be there for him but protect myself...

I replied immediately, asking her why she was concerned about an ex-boyfriend, and whether it was him that ended their relationship. She replied within a day to say she was worried about giving any more information, in case the guy in question identified her from reading my blog.

In my follow up email to her, where I tried to allay her fears about divulging more information to me, I pointed out that her situation is very similar to the female reader who sent me an email last October. Indeed, I reckon much of the same advice applies. If she can, I think she should encourage him to investigate his bi-curiosity, because only once he's done that will he be able to make adult decisions about how he wants to live his life.

Whichever one of them it was that caused the split, the most likely underlying reason is that the guy was having doubts about his sexuality. He could have consciously made the decision to split, or perhaps the female reader felt he had become too distant and was maybe hiding something and hence instigated the split. Either way, they're not in a relationship any more so she needs to recognise that. It's nice to stay friends with ex-boyfriends where possible, but she's got her own life to lead.

I never got a response to my last email so I don't think there's much more to say, except that she should be concerned that she's become so obsessed with this guy's situation. My best guess is that she doesn't know many gay or bisexual guys, so for some reason being so close to this one has fascinated her. But if she likes the idea of having gay guys as friends, the internet can help. Apart from contact with gay guys like me through our blogs, the internet can also help straight women make develop real [offline] friendships with gay guys. The best example I have of that is when my one of my gay male friends moved to a new city a couple of years ago. He successfully advertised online as a gay guy who wanted female friends, so perhaps it would work the other way round too!

Do any other readers have any thoughts?


Anonymous said...

hm - if you have a nice tuxedo, are good looking and gay, well you might end up as a walker and escort elder ladies to dinners, the opera and fancy trips as a no strings attached confindet - I do remember that in a biography about the mother of the semi royal whose name you are not allowed to mention in the uk and who is involved in this gay blackmail thing - she made so off remarks about gay, until someone told here, well then you will be very lonly in old age.

Unknown said...

This problems has been existed for a long time for bisexual. I do remember it also puzzled me at first. and many of my bisexual friends met at also have this problem before coming out to be bisexual. Actuall, those who have come out to be bisexual know if they are bisexual or not. But others often doubt if bisexuality does exist or not.

SubtleKnife said...

If I understand correctly, this obsession of hers started after they split up. She says they're still friends, but what I keep wondering is why it should matter to her now whether he has any gay experiences?

Would she feel vindicated if he was now with a man, because then the relationship must have (in her eyes) been doomed from the start? Would she feel any better if he found another girlfriend?

I'm not sure whether the ex-boyfriend's bicuriousity has as much to do with this problem as her difficulty in letting go.

And in general: although I wouldn't advise anyone to actively search for gay friends, because they're not a fashion accessory, I am not in a situation to warn them against it; my best friend in real life, many other friends and almost all of the people my blog roll are gay (or women who also have lots of gay friends), but I didn't seek them out, it was a natural progression.

@Famosos_RD said...

I think when u are an adult u need to think and do the right. Nobody can to play with the feelings, hope and love or just Maybe he is confused and just need to find his real meaning in this life ..