Monday, February 15, 2010

East Africa

"I'm not racist," says my friend, "after all, I've got an African boyfriend. But I do think that their culture is a bit screwed up. For example, I can think of six different Swahili words for arse fucking!"

Both myself and boyfriend T burst out laughing. We've come out to dinner with an old friend of mine who lives in Africa for part of the year, and it's quite interesting listening to what he has to say.

"But in English there are quite a few words for arse fucking as well," I point out, "Anal sex, buggery, rear entry, and so on."

"I suppose so," answers my friend, "but in Africa, in the villages near my house, they completely obsessed with it. A rumour started recently that there was a vampire in the area, and everyone went mad. It's not blood sucking that they're worried about. They all believe that vampires will put you into a trance and then fuck you up the arse!"

"You're joking surely?" I reply, slightly shocked, "and these people really believe it?"

"Absolutely they do! But there's a way to prevent a vampire from fucking your arse. You have to go to sleep on your hands and knees, with your naked arse stuck up in the air. Any vampire that sees that will be sure that it's a trick, to try and catch him, so he'll leave you alone! When the vampire rumour started recently, there were all these people wandering around looking tired and with sore limbs, from where they'd been trying to sleep with their arse in the air."

"Does this mean that they're all obsessed with the idea of gay sex too?" I ask.

"It's a taboo subject, but in reality there's a lot of it going on."

"Really?"

"Well, typically the men don't get married until their late 20's. But a lot of the young women don't like sex before marriage, because they don't want to have babies out of wedlock, and they don't trust their men to use condoms. So in their early 20's, some of the guys will basically fuck each other."

"It would be interesting to visit you there sometime," says boyfriend T, fascinated by what he's been hearing.

"Well you're both more than welcome :-)," replies my friend enthusiastically, "but if you end up one morning in a trance and with a sore bottom, don't say that I didn't warn you!"

10 comments:

FFF said...

ok, this is seriously fucked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've never ever in my entire life seen/heard any Western speak of Africa & Africans n d way dat reflect the true reality! I mean, what utter rubbish is this?

AJ said...

I usually like reading your blog, but I can't believe you wrote a post about Africa like it was a little town - it's a frigging CONTINENT! So to prove to your readers that you are not entirely ignorant, it would be best to state the exact town/state/country in that very LARGE CONTINENT that the above story happened!

GB said...

Long time readers of my blog will know that I often disclose minimal details about people so as to protect their identity, given that they usually don't give me permission to blog about them. But as AJ suggests, perhaps I've gone too far this time! For now, let me just say that the friend in this post who lives part of the year in Africa and told me (what I thought were) these ludicrous stories about vampires lives in East Africa. Since Africa is indeed a continent, that's a long way from where FFF lives.

GB xxx

Sting said...

I couldn't finish reading this cos the reference to Africa as if it were a country really annoyed me. It would have been better to specify which COUNTRY in Africa ur friend was referring to.

Anonymous said...

I agree! Tell us the location? My ass, bloody minimal details!

GB said...

As I said this morning, I don't divulge details which I think might compromise the identity of any of the people that I blog about. Even though Africa is a continent, and East Africa comprises a lot of countries, my guess is that the number of gay English guys who have a house in a rural area in any one of those countries is quite small.

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

Perhaps your friend could teach this fluent Swahili speaker the six different WORDS for ass-f*cking?

Only one comes to mind. The rest are possibly slang phrases. I'm sure the English language has dozens of slang phrases for the same.

I won't even touch the other inaccuracies in this story. Basically, your friend told you what applies to a tiny section of the population in one small region.

GB said...

If you'd read my post, recent anonymous commenter (whoever you are), you'd see that I made exactly the same point about English slang words for bum sex.

Furthermore (and this remark applies to other commentators too), I report my friend as saying " ... in Africa, in the villages near my house ...". So why on earth do you think that I haven't made it clear that his remarks only apply to one small region?

GB xxx

Eric Whitney said...

um. i thought the story was hilarious. I too have fallen asleep on my hands and knees with my arse in the air and know exactly how it feels.

I also don't think I'd get pissed off if I thought a bunch of bloggers in an unnamed East African country were laughing about some of the nonsense Americans get up to. bogeymen, butt-fucking vampires, who cares?

of course, at this point, i'm pretty good natured about nonsense. my whole family believes in the virgin mary.

Anonymous said...

The eastern costal towns of Dar es salaam and Mombasa, are well known for these "vampire"...... they are popularly known as POPO BAWA.