Sunday, March 20, 2011

Email from a young straight guy with gay friends

A couple of weeks ago, a student sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm an 18 year old student, finishing up my final year or 'a' levels at a prestigious Catholic school. I know that might not be particularly relevant, but it does seem to make this seem more personal somehow.

Anyway, for the past seven years I've had the same group of friends that I've met at school, all of which are guys cause, well it's an all boys school. Anyway, it's my final year and it seems as though every one of them is 'coming out' and I couldn't be more okay with it. I'm Catholic myself so I don't judge and I do try to be very supportive.

One of the guys though, who recently came out to me, one day started to sort of come on to me and to be honest I was freaked but I didn't panic. I just told him that I didn't go that way and something else along those lines. He seemed to accept it and I thought all was fine.

After that though, my other friends from the same clique, confronted me and said that the same friend who had come on to me before thinks I'm definitely gay and is really upset at me cause I don't want to admit it and come out already.

I was truly shocked.

When I was younger, I had a friend and he and I fooled around a bit cause to be honest, I was really curious. It didn't go anywhere cause I couldn't be more sure that I'm not interested in guys. I'm concerned though that I'm giving off some type of gay vibe or something or maybe I'm acting gay. I'm really not sure. I'm pretty average to my knowledge. I don't have a girlfriend or anything but it more cause of the fact that any girl I like seems to not even want to be around me more than anything else. That's a different story though.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to approach the situation. I know that they all think I'm gay now and I'm not as concerned about that as I am about the signals I give off. If I was gay, I'd have come out already. My parents'd be cool with it. My friends would definitely be okay with it and I'm not one to care much about what people think of me.

It's really an eye-opener for me GB. Have my gay friends' attitudes rubbed off on me? I really don't think so. Do I act gay? Not to my knowledge (not that I act all macho and 'straight' or anything) but It's just got me thinking.

I really hope you respond to this. It'd be nice to see what you've got to say.

Hoping to hear from you soon. Till then, take care, and happy banking!


The straightforward way that this student approaches his situation makes me think that he is straight, and not deluded about his sexuality at all. In the past, most of the people who've contacted me for advice have been gay guys, so it's interesting to get an email from straight guy for a change.

The mostly likely explanation for what's happened is that the student's friend has had a crush on him. When someone has a crush on someone else, they'll fail to read the signals properly. Any behaviour on the part of the student that suggested that he's straight would have been interpreted as "Oh, he's just doing/saying that because he still wants to pretend that he's straight", and any friendly behaviour that the student's friend saw would have been interpreted as gay love. The subsequent behaviour, now that the student has told his friend that he is straight after all, is simply a reaction to fact that his love isn't reciprocated. I'd suggest that the student should avoid seeing his friend as much as possible, in an attempt to let him recover from his unrequited love, and hope that the passage of time will eventually repair their friendship.

Whether the student has picked up any gay characteristics is perhaps a more interesting question, and perhaps harder to work out. The fact that the student has a lot of gay friends suggests that he's very much the metrosexual, otherwise he wouldn't fit in with them. However, I'd say that it's a very good thing for a straight guy to be metrosexual :-). I've got two straight friends who I'd put in that category, and without doubt I'd say that they're the most successful of all my straight friends in terms of getting girlfriends, wives, mistresses and new girlfriends whenever they want. This makes me think that there's some truth in the idea that a metrosexual guy is more in touch with his feminine side, and that that makes him more attractive to women. So rather than fight against this trait, I'd suggest that instead he should embrace it.

In terms of this student's gay friends, the thing that would most help would be if he could somehow find himself a girlfriend. That would underline his assertion that he's straight. Doing something for the first time, in this case getting one's first girlfriend or boyfriend, is always much harder than doing it again on a subsequent occasion. The paradox is that one of the most attractive things to a potential girlfriend or boyfriend is confidence, but when one has never had a previous relationship it's hard to be confident because one has no experience. However, another attractive attribute is being cool. Given how unfazed this student is that all his male friends are gay, I'd imagine that he must be quite a cool character :-), so I'm sure that he'll be able to find himself a nice girlfriend eventually.

Finally, whether one is gay or straight, whenever someone (of either gender) expresses interest in you it's always a compliment. Receiving a compliment like that should always be a confidence booster. So perhaps if this student thinks of recent events in that frame of mind, it'll help him find a girlfriend :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts that might help this guy?


AJOwens said...

I'm involved in a similar situation with a friend of mine. I'm on the opposite perspective of the writer though. I actually wrote about my crush for him on my blog if you are interested in reading more about my specific situation. Being gay and having a crush on a straight guy is a really bad situation for everyone involved. It caused me a lot of anxiety and hurt. After an entire school year, my crush on him is just starting to go away. It's hard to accept the facts a lot of the time. If he is really your friend he will come around eventually and things will go back to normal. Just be patient with him. He can't help how he feels. It sounds like you took this situation really well. You seem like a good guy. Again, if you want to read about my situation then feel free to visit my blog:

Anonymous said...

Clearly this guy needs to understand Economics 101. Personal beauty is a Public Good. We all want a piece of that action! said...

thanks for this. seriously, this guy is a joke.

playwrighter said...

He needs to dump his old friends and get some new ones who won't embarrass themselves (and everyone else) by acting like a gaggle of girlymen at a beefcake fest. I suggest he start with thai Girl (see comment above). She sounds like the type who could make Mister Penis come to attention...

Edward said...

Ha ha ha! lol. You guys crack me up!
Seriously though, do keep the comments coming in. I'm so interested in what you've got to say.

the immigayrant said...

Happy Easter, GB!

It has been more than a month since your last blog entry. C'mon! Keep us updated. ^_^

Btw, Check out my blog to see my Top 5 Gayest Rabbit Characters.
Hopefully this will inspire you to write something.

Happy Easter Holiday!

GB said...

Sorry that I've not posted for a while, everyone. I'll try and post something soon.

GB xxx

the immigayrant said...

Looking forward to read it soon. ^_^

Jason_M said...

Just dropped by again. I think his gay friends are the ones who need to be bitch-slapped (sorry, couldn't resist). They are falling into a group-think trap and maybe projecting their insecurities about their newly announced sexuality on you -- What, you won't come out like us? Are you CRITICIZING us? If they're your friends, they will respect your experience and you; if not, they're not your friend!

Blogs come and go and I hope yours keeps coming (sorry, again!)