Monday, October 17, 2011

Email from a gay guy who's having lots of sex

Last July, a new reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

The reason I'm emailing you is I stumbled across your blog after googling 'first gay dating advice'. I could have emailed other people, but I suppose I chose you because I work in the finance (well, professional services) industry and so I suppose we had that small, albeit very superficial link.

About myself - I'm on the grad scheme of one of the major firms in the City. I'm in my early 20's and only started coming out just a few months ago. Only one of my close friends knows. Since then I've made some gay friends and have been out on the scene. I will probably come out to more people soon, I really just want to time it right. Otherwise I'm comfortable with myself.

Anyway, the reason why I emailed is because, well, I met this guy. He's great. Our first 'date' started off casually. Just drinks, which morphed into dinner, then more drinks, then a cozy booth in a dimly lit bar/cafe in Soho until the early hours of the morning.

On paper it sounds good. But this is where I begin to feel - anxious? Tense?? Self-conscious??? I haven't had much experience with other guys. Yet this guy I met is about ten years older than me, and my lack of experience suddenly makes me feel very self-conscious.

Also, I like him a lot, but I don't want to sleep with him. Not yet. I like him, he's a great kisser, we get along great, but I don't feel like I want to throw him up against a wall and have raw hot sex with them.

What I want to ask is - has this happened to you? Is it common? To meet a guy, like them a lot, but NOT want to sleep with them, at least not straight away?

Thanks - I LOVE your blog. I've been trawling through the archives for a couple hours now.

In case anyone is wondering, that wasn't the email which inspired the title of this post, so read on! At the time that I received the email, I didn't have time to do full "Dear GB" posting, so I ended up answering the email in private. I told him that I thought his reticence was probably just related to his lack of experience. I suggested that he simply come clean about the situation with the guy in question, because telling the guy that he doesn't have much experience would take the pressure off. After all, everyone has to have their first time, and everyone who's had their first time knows how daunting it can be! In response to my advice, the reader sent me an email to thank me for my speedy reply :-).

However, about a month later, he sent me another email as follows:

Dear GB,

I just had a little question, a general musing if you will.

I only came out a few months ago and I've made a few gay friends actually and they are pretty good people! To be honest they are the kind of people I would have been friends with anyway, so it's quite good really.

Anyway, I noticed before I came out, or even thought about going to gay clubs or bars, I always had a 'type' in my head that I was attracted to. Not a very specific physical type, but a type nonetheless.

What I've noticed though, is that when I go out and end up meeting new people, I end up getting with them. Is this normal? Do you end up getting with most of the people you meet? Is it just a way of being friendly?

I'm pretty sure it isn't some kind of subconscious desire to just find any guy and settle down.. when I get drunk I never think like that, and I don't pull anyone, I have been attracted to the guys I've got with, but if I hadn't talked with them and gotten to know them, the thought of pulling them wouldn't have even crossed my mind!

So my question is - is it quite normal to get with guys you've only recently met, once you get to know them?

I realise my question is probably quite bizarre...

I found myself wondering, what on earth happened to this guy in between the first email and the second email :-)? On the face of it, it scarcely seems possible for a guy who seemed so shy to suddenly be sleeping with every nice that guy he meets!

However, much the same thing happened to me. I came out quite late, and was certainly a bit shy at first, but once I'd worked out how to meet guys and get them into bed there was no stopping me! I reckon that one of the good things about being gay is that one can have lots and lots of guilt free sex :-). Although straight guys are just has horny, my straight friends tell me it's usually much harder to find like-thinking women.

In the past, I've heard guys talk about sex in the early stages of friendships between gay men as "getting it out of the way". I think the idea is that it can help the two guys understand each other better, and also help them work out whether there's any potential for a relationship. I've certainly built some very good friendships with guys who I went to bed just after I got to know them. In most cases, we only went to bed once, and the friendship developed after that :-).

I've said before that I think that sleeping with lots of guys is a good way of looking for a boyfriend. It's not clear whether this reader is looking for a boyfriend or not, because he seems quite happy making lots of friends with benefits :-). But at some point he probably will want to try and find himself a nice boyfriend. Before he gets to that stage, he should be careful in case any of his new friends become keen on him for a potential relationship, because it's a good idea to avoid hurting people's feelings. Similarly the other way round, because if he's attracted to any of the guys that he sleeps with, they may well not want anything apart form no-strings fun so more than that might not be possible.

The reader asked whether his behaviour is 'normal' or not. Which kind of means that he's effectively asking whether my behaviour is 'normal'! Whatever the answer to that question is, I think that the reader is in good company :-).

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?


close encounters said...

GB, are you sure that by get with he means having sex ??

btw, what is it about "morphed" - it suddenly seems popular again ?!

on a more on topic note - i'm all up for good wholesome fun ... but i personally can't relate to not wanting to have sex with a guy that i really like.

GB said...

Well, close encounters, the title for this posting was agreed with the reader, so I think that in this case "get with" does mean "have sex" :-).

And "morphed"? I think it just means "changed into", or "turned into", "became", etc.

Anyway, good to see you last weekend :-), let's not leave it so long next time!

GB xxx

One London Life said...

I go with "totally normal". I also go with it being part of the coming out process. Your whole life you've been led to believe that you should be doing girls. Suddenly you discover that's not what you want and it's time to play catchup. Gay "coming out" is pretty much like puberty. Time to experiment.

Z said...

Gays seem to use sex like heteros use a handshake. It's all a bit backwards really. Have sex first, and then decide afterwards if you like one another.

Gay Capers said...

Makes complete sense to me - in a very basic sense many of my gay friendships evolve out of that first encounter. I also think gay men find it much easier to stay friends with former partners which can only be a good thing.

The Fog Horn said...


Sorry I'm off topic but I need some help making a theory go viral. My theory is that God/Yahweh/Allah was a volcano, or volcanic activity. Don't laugh! I am 100% sure.

As the muslim population of Europe is set to rise exponentially over the next few decades, time is of the essence for getting this message across. Gay people in the future will thank you for doing your bit to wipe the angry looks of the muslims around us.

Please.....take a good long look at my new blog and spread the word. The world's last vestage of liberty (Europe) needs you.

Cruise Ship Vacancies said...

Ask for advice to initiate homosexual relationships when you're inexperienced is good because it allows to consider other points of view. When you have experience in the matter, have a lot of sexual activity could make you find the right partner.