Dear GB,
I love your blog, it is full of real stuff, which means you have a mind of your own and you do not fear of being honest. The very reason for writing to you. Now, about my letter.
Well, I maybe a type "Z"-personality among gays, since I am not gay material:
- I do not have a long penis (excretory organ) or a stereotypical face or body type;
- Moreover I am against gay stereotyping and male body stereotyping.
Well, I am searching for a gay partner after all these shortcomings, but I seem to stumble upon people who forget me after sex. I am 31 years old, Indian (Asian), been cruising from the time I was 24, have met 25 men out of which I had sex with 11 guys (very accurately).
Because most reject me.
One reason for all this rejection perhaps would be because:
- I refused to become a bottom or a Top; or
- because I am ugly, contrary to the gay image portrayed in media; or
- I am seeking love before sex; or
- the guys wanted big penis.
Whatever be, in the end I am sad. That is why I am writing this to you with a thumping heart.
What is my hope, if any? I am not putting you or any reader on the opponents chair because that is silly. But I am also not saying, I do not want sex nor am I saying do not expect love from my dates. But if you feel my letter is honest do tell your valuable opinions.
I want to know:
- Why is gay media portraying a male body image which is only a few types (maybe 5 or six)?
- Why the penis is the favourite organ (it is an excretory organ)?
- Why gay monogamy is shunned by media?
- Why the West thinks that gay men in India are rejected by straights (which is not true at all) and gay Indians do not have any other problems other than being gays?
But I am not silly enough to ask you to answer all of these questions because you are "never" answerable and you are as much a victim of all these stereotypes in one way or the other and so are all gays in general. I fear honestly, we are victims of some oldish withered male body image, which is crippling our chances of love and bonding sans body differences and racial and mental variance.
I feel you are a powerful person who can bring about changes in "our" sensitive world. Sorry for this bother, but I feel it is time for me to speak to powerful gay individuals who believe life is hopeful and worthful.
Thank you for being patient and kind to read. I have hope in you and all gays. Regards and love.
The good thing about this reader is that he doesn't seem to have any problem accepting the fact that he's gay. A lot of the emails that I've received recently have been from young guys who're still in the early stages of working out that they're gay, but this reader has clearly progressed a long way beyond that :-). However, he does seem to have a lot of complaints about gay life!
Although it may be slightly unfair, some aspects of the reader's email remind me of the recent South Park episode, in which a large majority of men across America all get angry and disruptive just because they think their penis length is below average! The situation is only resolved when the US government officially defines the average penis size as 1.5 inches (3.8 cm), so that all men can then think of themselves as above average LOL! Is this reader just complaining because he thinks that he's below average?It's a fact that far more guys are straight than gay. This means that if one wants to try and define an "average sexuality", then the answer would be "straight". If one then wants to define "above average", then because of the way that we're brought up we'd probably think that it's the successful so called alpha males who've got the "above average" sexuality. Unfortunately, that kind of implies that the gay sexuality is "below average" :-(. Maybe this analysis helps explain why some guys still have a problem accepting that they're gay, even though the Western world generally accepts that gay people are part of society these days.
Of course, all these ideas about above and below average penis sizes, and by extension above and below average sexualities, are ridiculous! When guys finally accept that they're gay, then they've managed to see through that kind of nonsense and come to terms with their situation. Acceptance of these kinds of facts is an important part of one's personal development, whether it relates to one's ability at sport, one's sexuality, one's appearance, one's penis size, or whatever. Once facts that one has no control over are accepted then people can move on. However, a failure to accept these kinds of things means that they're carried around in one's mind as a burden. This has a strong connection with my idea about the confidence mirror, where other people's attitudes to things that relate to a particular individual can often simply just be a reflection of that individual's own feelings. The way forward is to avoid such traps by accepting things the way they are.
Thinking about the reader's email in this way, I can't help wondering how many of the problems that he's experienced relate to his own attitude. It's true that some gay guys are shallow and focus on things like penis size, but in my experience most guys don't focus on that type of thing.
In summary, my advice to the reader is to try and accept things the way they are, and adopt a more positive and constructive attitude to boyfriend hunting. In a dating situation, confidence is probably the most important quality, so he should do everything he can to discard all his mental baggage and build his confidence.
Does anyone else have any other thoughts for this reader?
Posts
19 comments:
Who wants to be 'average' anyway? ;)
The fact that the reader repeatedly dismissed the penis as merely an excretory organ is perhaps symptomatic of his issues that he has with his own.
The penis is the ultimate organ of masculinity. It is power. It differentiates male from female. In reproductive and evolutionary terms, genetalia are the source of life. Cut off the male genitals and mating becomes impossible.
All of which is rather overstating the point. People think penises and penis size are important, not because of stereotypes or media slants but because they are.
Sexual intercourse, in whatever fashion, is also a primary bonding mechanism in non-platonic relationships. It's in our nature as animals. Eros and Agape both play their parts to a greater or lesser extent, but without one or the other the mechanism of a relationship is likely to grind to a halt.
Yes, as men get older the requirement for sex may wane, but we remain physically capable of reproduction and something inside us makes us want to keep having sex.
If initial sexual encounters are unfulfilling to one of the partners, what's the point in continuing? Shake hands, move on.
The point of all the above isn't to make the reader feel hopeless, but to say that denying the reality is not helpful.
If the majority of people are turned off by your small penis, find someone who isn't in the majority. It's not going to be as quick and easy, but it's the best option.
I agree with one london life, it also struck me as odd how the reader dismisses the penis as "just" an excretory organ. It isn't, it does get erect for a reason, and you can't just ignore that.
I think the attitude to the penis is the first thing to resolve. You may have accepted that you are gay, but I feel you have "body image" issues. The questions about gay media and stereotypes add to my suspicions.
So:
Why is gay media portraying a male body image which is only a few types (maybe 5 or six)?
All media do this, not just the gay media. Just ask women! Gok Wan makes a career out of this! :)
Why the penis is the favourite organ (it is an excretory organ)?
Straight men like boobs, and gays like the penis. I guess women do too. It is a sex organ, it happens to moonlight as an excretory organ. Semen is not excretion!
You have accepted that you like men, now you need to be able to express that as well. Both are necessary to be a gay man. You need to find your sexuality, your penis is pivotal to that.
Why gay monogamy is shunned by media?
I think gay media is heavily sexualised. The target market is smaller and all adult, and well Sex Sells.
Monogamy is less sexual compared to say an orgy. Monogamy also won't sell magazines. Besides why do you care what the media does? Gays who are easily swayed by the gay media and its sterotypes probably won't be after what you are looking for long term. The way I see it is that it's good natural selection actually. The ones who are fickle about gay stereotypes will also suffer for it. I've met a lot of gay people who having chased *just* sexual gratification through their youth, find an older existence they don't fully understand. And in gay media talk, 30+ is old. Everybody has their own path of discovery, just stay true to yourself.
Here's a healthy example of "gay media". I love this video btw :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TBd-UCwVAY
Why the West thinks that gay men in India are rejected by straights (which is not true at all) and gay Indians do not have any other problems other than being gays?
Not sure what the question means, but what "the West" thinks shouldn't really matter. You can make friends, relationships and explain this. If they are too close minded to accept cultural differences, then well you not being local is already a barrier, you need to let such people be and move on. Strangely I have personally found the most close minded gay people are British Asian gay people, the ones born and brought up in the UK! Who would have thought so?? :)
There are lots of misconceptions about other cultures by the less traveled in my opinion, it always is the case everywhere, West East North or South. You can be the ambassador to clear this up! :)
My advice: Try to make gay friends first. Lots of them. That's where looks and sexual features don't matter. Once you are comfortable with your body image AND your sexuality, you can pursue relationships. It isn't easy, but it is the most fruitful path I have found.
I also used to wonder about the gay media; its fickleness and the promotion of instant gratification. But I've come to realise that it can be useful as it eliminates those who subscribe to that logic and think the same. Every date and friend is time invested, anything that can help filter down that list of potential dates and mates is a good thing in my opinion.
PS: I am Indian as well (by birth), came to the UK at 22, have lived in a few countries. Being a non-white gay you become a tiny minority so there is a lot to learn. Wondered about the same things (except for the penis thing, I love penises!)
Also I think perhaps the reader has never fallen in love.
I have found that once who have loved, you will find almost any physical and material "flaw" is unimportant. Only the emotional bond matters.
It actually scares me sometimes, but I know this to be true.
Dear Readers and Mr.Banker thank you so much to bring my problems out here!
I am the guy who wrote the above questions.
Finally it is seeing day light!
Well readers thank you for giving your honest opinions .
Its better to listen to the truth than go thinking half happy with the knowledge that everyone is lying to be sweet.
Well regarding penis why I dismissed it as an excretory organ, is to be harsh on guys who keep on asking for numbers of guys who I have met and have longer penis.
Why I used that word is to bring to light the mortal nature of the penis or any body part, it is not going to be erect every time.
And to be harsh on the porn guys who repeatedly portray long penis as being better, which is false.
In this case mating is the only reason why erect penis is required ,so why categorize the sizes ,all people need is a penis!
Second, biologically there is no proven record to state bigger penis is good.
Third, what is the joy to see or hold a big penis?All these are retard stereotypes induced by stupid people, which we follow like slaves.Why?It is time to stop this big penis madness!The world cannot run after big penis ,this is insane!
We need to open our eyes and see that the male body is more than penis,he has his emotions,his joys,sadness,his story,his life,his childhood,his dreams ,his hopes,his love,his passion,his fantasy,his lonliness,his grief,his tears his laughter,his mind,his work,his words,...and so many infinite things make a man or a guy ,so why to run after the big penis ?
We must stop dissecting and destroying the naked male body.Now!
The male has so many things inside him,go find them !Penis!huh....we must not become foolish!
We must learn to enjoy so many other things hidden inside the mystery we call men, the beautiful man who loves to care and be kind .
Or we all will miss out so many happy moments with him, do not see him as a penis see him as a king a knight who has a heart beating inside him with love and passion.
You are men and will understand men as your own kind ,give him a chance ,free him from the burden of yesterday's mistakes ,grant him the boon of happiness ,set his body free and happy.Do not cage him from his happiness due to penis.
Free him from the evil of the penis stereotype and you will realize you have freed yourself too from all those violent harshness and lunatic stupidity.
Then you will see the new gay who is bold and loving and who cares for all gays and unites all of us for once!
Give us our lives!
:) Very engaging rhetoric from the reader but I still fail to see how you can remove sex from sexuality and not just be left with cameraderie or platonic love.
Perhaps the aesthetic of a small penis and even the enjoyment of it in certain situations is one thing, but to state that size is completely unimportant is incorrect.
A certain size is critically important for a range of sex acts, primarily, perhaps, anal sex. If you remove anal from the range of sex acts the size becomes less important, being more an aesthetic matter.
Yes, there are a million ways to stimulate the male mind and body which exclude direct stimulation of the penis, but ultimately, that's where the climax happens.
Perhaps I should also add to the discussion that in my opinion the problems of sexual performance aren't limited to small penises. Large cocks come with their own problems and can. In fact, be even more limiting, as both oral and anal become problematic. What's important is to find partners who fit together in the ways they want to.
Hi .its me again the guy who asked he above questions in the letter,
Well, it is not always appreciated to be calm and patient.
So be it,
Anal sex is NOT THE ONLY way to employ the erect penis!!!
KNOW IT!!!IF NOT LEARN IT !!!
THE WORLD is not a silly place where only one thing happens ,so many .....many things, happen here ,you just have to find it or learn it,,, if it has been found.
If all our scientists sat without finding anything,we would be stuck in ancient times with no new things best ,with no internet!
So , people will raise their voices against anything new due to fear of losing their brittle ego!ha!ha!
The length of the pens is not the length of his sex life, it is nothing compared to numerous erotic zones of his body.With a small penis a man can create his own joys and ecstasy it is his wish,,, not ours.remember.remember this!
Since when did a few sick people get rights to determine who enjoys what and how ,,and how much!
You must be joking!ha!ha!
Each person can enjoy life in whatever ways he wants.
Claiming anal sex as the only activity, for gays is like saying all people who fart will go to hell.
Come on have we become so out of imaginations, creativity,and fantasies and sense that we talk like concentration camp's managers, go right, turn left and then die!
We claim to be highly mentally developed species ,but we act worse than micro organisms.
Where is the joy? where is the hope? where is life ?in this redundant anal sex?
There are millions of ways to enjoy sex....let me educate the stupid people,....
circle jerks, ...
voyeur.....
body painting...
.masturbation.....
nudism......
fetish nudity on stages.....
.nude worshiping.....
nude body building....nude sports.....
wearing ornaments ,tribal dress,tribal body paint.....dress fetish.....clothed male naked male CMNM....nude photography .....nude modelling gives a fetish joy in the entire naked body.
The list is endless and all of the above can lead to masturbation and earth -shattering- exploding -masculine- multiple- orgasms after release of semen.
So ..think....for havens sake think..use your brains for once!
Gays with any type of penis can rule the world if needed.
The sky is the limit!!!!
In good humour, a correction.
I did not, at any point, claim that anal sex was the only option for gay sex. I merely pointed out that if you engage in anal sex then the size of the member is important, hence your argument that penis size is irrelevant is void.
I went on to point out that if you remove anal sex from the equation then penis size does, indeed, become more of an aesthetic that a practical requirement, which actually supports your argument.
I strongly suspect that it's more oppressive to discount anal sex than it is to accept that it can be an important part of people's sexual identity.
I agree with you that creativity and exploration are very important aspects when making love but I still disagree that penis size is completely irrelevant.
To say that there are other aspects to sex that just anal is true and fine. But that has nothing to do with the penis size.
You must equally agree that there are aspects to sex where penis size is relevant.
So you can't pick what suits you and ignore what doesn't. That's a silly outlook, in my opinion.
You can argue the unrealistic expectations on penis size. But still does not ipso facto may the whole idea irrelevant. People want bigger houses and mansions, does not mean no one should want a house, and should live in huts. that is kind of what I get you saying.
Sex isn't a one person show. You need to find someone who is interested in your sexual tastes. But don't dismiss other sexual tastes either!
Just don't expect others to change their tastes to make your job of finding someone with your tastes easier. That actually what you are saying in a round about way. It is lazy and selfish, and ignores other people's desires over yours.
And be polite!!! People are helping you, not need for remarks of stupidity. It is very disrespectful.
ps.. the fact that the reader blew a fuse so quickly may confirm the problem? Self confidence and body image issues.
Having perhaps focused too closely on the specific of penis size and the function of the penis in gay male relationships, I thought it only fair and balanced to re-read the original letter and comment on other points in the hope that I can actually help, not hinder.
Perhaps a brief background. I'm British and 42 years old. I started my adult life with no gay perspective, so I assumed I was straight. After very few sexual encounters I had awakened my sexual identity and realised that I was attracted to men. Since then I have had a reasonable number of sex partners and 4 "significant" relationships, including my current spouse, who I've been with for 11 years.
I actually "met" my first boyfriend through correspondence. The Internet was young and I was a member of IRC newsgroups. When I realised I was was attracted to men I signed up for gay-oriented lists to chat with guys. He lived about 2 hours away and so we wrote to each other for around a month before we met in person. I suspect that I fell in love, at least with the idea of him, very quickly.
When we met in person, I could not have been more disappointed. He was very unkempt, extremely overweight and had no social skills. He was so shy that when we spoke, he wouldn't even meet my eyes.
I knew that he must be inside this strange person somewhere so I persevered. We talked for a long time, so long in fact that he missed his train home and had to stay overnight with me. We barely left my flat for 4 days. The relationship lasted 18 months and was mostly very joyous.
He had (what I would consider) a small penis, perhaps 3" when erect and the width of my thumb. He insisted that it was only just below average. I didn't believe him 100% on that, but it did make me feel like I had a massive cock (I don't!)
Our sex life was mostly limited to him giving me blowjobs. Occasionally I would fuck him but I really didn't know what I was doing so it didn't always go well. We played with each other's bodies alot, exploring intimacies.
So, in support of the reader, we had love, we had sex and intimacy and it was something that transcended both penis size and physical looks.
Nevertheless, the relationship ended, which I guess brings me to my second point! Being a couple is extremely hard work at times. No two people fit together perfectly and even if they do for a fleeting moment in time, things change. Relationships have to grow and change to survive. Our relationship didn't. If love stands still it stagnates and dies. I suspect that this is the reason that many couples open their relationships over time, as a way to decrease the pressure on each other. Just a theory... I am neither for or against open relationships. I've seen all kinds of arrangements both work and fail.
I think perhaps it would be more productive for the reader to focus on the positives in life rather than dwelling on things that can't be changed. If someone rejects you because of penis size or based on looks then that simply means that person was not right for you. Keep looking.
If I met and fell in love with someone who was not my physical "type" and/or who had a small penis then yes, I would have a relationship with them.
HOWEVER
If I met two people who were identical except for penis size, I would choose the one with the bigger dick. It's preference, nothing more, nothing less. It's a preference bourne out of my own experience of what is possible with a big dick that isn't possible with a small dick. Others may say the opposite.
Likewise, if I met someone with dark hair I'd choose them over light, or blue eyes over brown. All preference based on self-awareness of preference. It's not about following the media or being brainwashed, it's about being true to myself.
I do not believe this,I came here to say about my problems and even here i get the same and even worse treatment.
You want the same stereotypical world full of guys with big penis,how horrible! well that is already being build,you do not have to struggle so hard, filtering me out.
Yet you guys want everyone,straights and all, to support you ,and make everyone believe that gays are very good,so that you can build your island of preferred men.Maybe these are the reasons, we -gays are hated!
Because we filter out the small penis,and ugly faces .
Continue it!
One of my gay friends told me ,"No!do not think the 1% of men, you met will be the entire section or even half of it.There are millions of guys who will like a guy for his goodness and friendly nature"
Alas! and here in the world of mirrors I find again, and again ,those stone hearts ,I find all the same, lunatics begging for big penis guys,I feel I have lost.
My life might remain sad ,full of emptiness and anger ,why does god create guys with big penis ?
To destroy my life.
Thanks to the models and actors who advocated the need of this disgusting and poisoned and obnoxious ,malicious, long penis ,bringing tears and sadness in my life.
I hate you from the bottom of my heart and soul, and I warn the guys who trusts you,huh,big penis ,that is the only thing in your life! big penis! just big penis!don't know what the hell is in that!
I feel sad,I cannot take this poison, anymore from you.
Just another ugly man kicked out,filtered out.
Hope you get more and more big penis guys.
I HATE you GUYS.Don't know how people believe you at all!Your shallow , poisoned brains.
I should have known better, you are truly the most disgusting malicious humans.
The most, rude,vicious, megalomaniacs!
darkgoti.. out of all that was written the only thing that you noticed was "big penis".
You did not comment on a single other thing written by so many others. You have said penis 9 times in your last comment. Just try saying that out loud. I hope you can see what I mean.
Of course you want to hear everyone agree with you. We all do! But will that help? Will us agreeing make you happy? Will you be happy and fulfilled if we all said "yes, the penis is irrelevant"?
Because we don't know you we can be honest. Everyone is learning and you also must be open to learning and understanding.
*No one here is "begging for a big penis".
*No one "filtered" you out. We haven't seen you and probably won't. Your impolite reply probably got you "filtered out". Not your penis size.
*No one is saying that a "big penis" is the only thing in life. Please read again.
*Your life is not destroyed.
*No one is treating you badly as a person. You are calling people bad for liking a penis, and for what they like.
Almost everyone likes apples. If I like apples and you don't like apples, is it right for you to hate me for liking apples??
It is not correct to demand what you want from others. I personally don't last long in sex, about 4-5 minutes :( People will be laughing as they read this. The gay stereotype says this is bad, hopelessly bad. So can I be angry with all those gays (most gays actually) who want long sex?
Of course not!! I asked myself what else can I do? So I go to the gym and in bed do more foreplay, more kissing and touching. I make do with what I have (4 minutes :P), and I try to do what I can (get a better body by going to the gym)
Everyone has troubles, everyone has something they want to change. But the mature, sensible thing to do is to play your strengths, not dwell on your weaknesses.
All this hate and anger is only hurting you. People here are trying to help. No one wants to hurt you or cause you harm. Nobody here even knows you.
You REALLY need to calm down and read what was *actually* written. Read all this with a friend. A friend can show you what people are really saying here.
You are too angry to see and understand clearly what people are really saying here.
For what it's worth, I'm firmly in the camp that asserts "It's not what you've got downstairs, it's what you do with it"! For anal sex, it's the bottom who may be interested in big cocks, and I've known several who agree with that point of view. One memorable bottom was the guy who sent me the email that I posted with the title "Am I too greedy in the sack?", and on another posting (which I can't find now) he left a comment where he agreed that he'd had excellent sex with guys who had small cocks when they knew how to use them. So I still think that what I wrote in this posting is correct, namely that gay guys who focus on things like penis size are quite shallow.
GB xxx
In deference to GB, I agree that you don't need an ENORMOUS wanger to get the job done during anal sex. Some of the best sex I ever had was with bf #2, who was just under 6" (a guess - we didn't measure!), BUT, there is no getting away from there being a minimum requirement! Perhaps people who need big 'un's are too deep rather than shallow. That's a joke, by the way.
In the case of my first boyfriend, the one and only time we experimented with anal, he was so small that he could barely get the head past the sphincter. 3" was definitely not sufficient for anal sex to be a pleasurable option.
Bf #3 was quite large but was a strange shape, curving to one side. It was always uncomfortable and awkward, hence not that pleasurable. A failure despite size.
Darkgoti, I will be honest with you. I'm not 100% convinced that you are genuinely angry here and not merely playing a game in this discussion. You seem too quick to twist what's being said.
However, if you are being genuine then it is you who is doing the filtering. You're choosing to hear the negative and disregard the positive. When offered support, you defend as though attacked.
If you have read malice, there is none. Nobody here hates you.
If you have read megalomania, it does not exist. We are all fragile human beings.
The most beautiful and ugly things in life are people's souls. If you have a beautiful soul, that is what you should show to people for them to fall in love with you.
To deny that initial attraction is the spark that makes two people want to bond if they are strangers is foolish. It's also the weakest of bonds, easily broken. "Perfect" becomes "imperfect" the morning after or in close proximity.
Yet that attraction is not wrong as you suggest. It is a human response to stimulus. To deny people the right to be swayed by subjective beauty, albeit temporary, is to deny humans the right to be human. If there were no place in the world for beauty then there would be no art.
But to reiterate, a person can be beautiful or ugly on the inside. Internal beauty may be less tangible but when you fall in love with someone because of who they are, the bond is stronger and harder to break.
For most people, relationships start with the initial spark of attraction which lasts long enough for partners to find out whether or not they like each other's souls.
That route is not the only one, though. You can allow someone to see who you are and in time grow to love you, even without that spark. It's not easy, and it takes a much longer investment of time. Hence, it can be frustrating and painful.
Don't be fooled. Having people judge you for your beauty is no better than being judged for being ugly. You may get more sex but you also get more rejection.
I do not believe you are as truly ugly as you claim. If that were the case, why did anyone sleep with you at all? I suspect your self image is lower than other people's opinion of you.
When I look in the mirror I see an ugly mess. I see a nose, broken twice as a child, slanting to one side. I see a drooping eyelid (a birth defect) which makes me look slow and stupid. I see tired dark rings around my eyes from working too hard to support my family. I see the ever-present fat under my arms, left over from when I was obese in my youth. The same thing around my stomach, baby fat that will never go away. These days I also see grey hairs and a slight thinning at the front. Age will take its toll, no matter what.
And yet, when I ask my husband what he sees, he tells me a different story. He points out the same details and attributes a story to each one as to how they improve my looks, rather than detract from them, how they differentiate me from others. He has grown attached to my flaws, where I still see them as negative and ugly. That is what we do to ourselves as humans.
PS I was 31, your age, when I found a lasting love. As long as you're open to it, it will come.
Thanks friends!!!
But you must stop stereotypes ,
it has taken away all the love and goodness from gays,
We must fight against those porn stars and models who expose their bodies and spread evil stereotypes .
If we do not do that now it will be too late.
We will lose our lives!!!For heavens sake ,wake up!!!
All men are beautiful ,open your blind eyes and shout out loud "ALL GUYS ARE HANDSOME AND HOT"
SHOUT NOW.
LET THE DUMB EARS OPEN!!!
to Bill who commented first
Yes I want 2 be average in size
or smaller in size for the seven births of my soul.
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