Anguish

(NB: anyone new to my blog should read this recent post to acquaint themselves with the some of the important people in my life).

The holiday with my Thai friend B is now over, and we've had a great time together :-). In spite of my friend Close Encounter's scepticism, I was indeed able to manage two platonic weeks with B while sleeping in the same room as him. However, I freely admit that my coping strategy for this involved a few crafty hand-shandy's, for example when B was asleep and snoring loudly in the adjacent bed! Two weeks on holiday in a completely different environment has given me time to think about my situation with boyfriend T.

One important thing that I've realised is that just because I'm in love with a guy, it doesn't mean that we're compatible to be each other's boyfriends, even if the other guy loves me too. With boyfriend number 1 back in 2008, although we both loved each other, the fact that I deceived him by pretending to be in a monogamous relationship with him when I was indulging in various activities with other guys meant that he lost his trust in me. Eventually, I realised that it was impossible for him to regain that trust as long as the old relationship continued. Communication became impossible, so the relationship had to end. However, now that we're close friends instead, I think that he does trust me again.

Deceiving boyfriend number 1 was a terrible mistake, and I've definitely avoided that mistake with boyfriend T because I've never lied to him. But I'm now sure that the kind of relationship that boyfriend T wants with me is fundamentally different to the kind of relationship that I want with him. For me, a solid domestic partnership is the most important thing in my life. For boyfriend T, the most important thing in his life is hiding his homosexuality. Most gay guys (including me) start by hiding their sexuality, but gradually become relaxed about it and eventually feel able to come out to some (or more) of the important people in their lives. I expected that the same would be true of boyfriend T, but if anything, at present he seems even more wedded to his closeted lifestyle, even though it's been more than twelve years since he's acknowledged to himself that he's gay. I find myself crying when I wonder what it would be like to be an old man walking down the street, seeing my life partner on the other side of the road with some of his old friends, and knowing that he'll pretend that he doesn’t know me if I approach him.

The result of all this is that at present, boyfriend T and myself are continually at war with each other in emails, conversations, text messages etc. Effective communication may have already become impossible, just like it did when my relationship with boyfriend number 1 broke down. I'm now feeling intense anguish about this situation, and find myself reminding myself about The philosophy of Butters Stotch all the time.

This isn't the only problem in my relationship with boyfriend T, but it is the most fundamental. Some of our other problems might have solutions if we could find a solution to this. However, there's been no progress in the four years that we've been boyfriends, so it would be extremely foolish of me to expect any progress in the next four years or even forty years. I think it's true that one shouldn't go into a relationship with anyone on the basis that you're going to make some change(s) to them so that they'll then be perfect. My experience with the coming out process made me think that the change I hoped for would happen naturally, but with boyfriend T, I no longer think that's true. I also thought that if I showed boyfriend T enough love, then I could end up being the most important thing in his life, just like he has become to me. But that hasn't happened.

On the other hand, there are wonderful guys in the world like my Thai friend B. I haven't disclosed this before, but before I met boyfriend T, myself and B did have some very enjoyable activities together :-). B doesn't have a boyfriend, and I don't know what my chances would be to make B my boyfriend, but I'd rather spend the rest of my life looking for someone than end up with a life partner who would deny my existence in some situations.

At present, boyfriend T is working on a project outside the UK, so I can't talk to him face to face. Soon, I'm going to try and have a serious Skype conversation with him. The next time that I blog about him, I may unfortunately have to refer to him as ex-boyfriend T :-((.