Email from a young guy looking for a boyfriend

Last Saturday, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I was wondering if you could help... Ive spent the last few years coming to terms with who I am and my sexuality and at the moment I am pretty comfortable. Im now at a stage where would like a boyfriend, something I thought I would never want a few months ago. The problem is I dont know where to find a decent man; Ive tried the internet which is pretty much useless, the gay clubs around mine are full of men who just want a quick shag, and because I want a straight acting lad I dont know any other places to find one. I wouldnt have the confidence to go over to a man in a gay club let alone a straight one. I just dont know what to do or where to go and I only have one gay friend. Any help or advice would be great.
Cheers.
19 years old. Liverpool, England.

I replied immediately telling him not to worry. His email reminded me of how closeted I was at his age, because I didn't come out until I was in my 20's.

Having thought a bit about his situation, I think the most important piece of advice is to relax, chill out, and regard finding a boyfriend as a medium or long term goal rather than a short term one. Anyone who seems too desperate to find a boyfriend or partner gives off all the wrong signals, because it implies that that person is very needy and high maintenance.

A lot of guys find boyfriends via their friends, so I think it's important for the reader to try and expand his gay social circle. Just one gay friend isn't enough, but it's a good start because I know some young gay guys are very isolated and don't have any gay friends at all. It does take a lot of confidence to go up and start chatting to someone new, but if a shy guy goes out to gay places he'll probably find other guys who do have that confidence will start talking to him! So even though a lot of guys who go to his local gay clubs are just looking for quick shags, I think he should still go, but with the intention of making friends rather than finding a boyfriend. Also, although I think it's best for a young guy find a boyfriend of a similar age to himself, that doesn't mean that all his gay friends need to be his age. The older a guy is, the bigger his social circle is likely to be, so making friends with someone a bit older can be a good way of meeting guys of all ages.

I also disagree with the reader because I don't think that the Internet is useless. It's certainly invaluable for guys in rural areas where they are indeed the only gay in the village! As the fifth biggest city in England though, Liverpool hardly falls into that category. There are lots of gay dating and cruising web sites of course, but if a guy is looking for a boyfriend, I've heard that Out Everywhere is good choice. And although sites like gaydar and gay.com are very sex oriented, people do sometimes find boyfriends as a result of their hook-ups (I originally met my boyfriend number 2 on gay.com). Even if one doesn't find a boyfriend as a result of meeting with someone from the Internet, one may still find a friend and that's good too.

My last thought is that the more gay guys there are in a city, the more likely it is that a guy will find a boyfriend there. Without doubt London is the city in the UK with the largest number of gay guys, so if the reader has any inclination to move away from Liverpool, London would be a good choice. But I'm sure that if he's patient he'll eventually find a boyfriend in his home city. What Diana Ross sung is quite true, you can't hurry love, No, you just have to wait!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Holding hands

In India, one sometimes sees two guys holding hands walking along the street who are just good friends. But in Western countries, two guys holding hands in public definitely implies a gay relationship. I've always liked holding hands with my boyfriends, although I think I'm a bit keener on it than any of them are, because they're worried about being openly gay.

Boyfriend number 1 isn't usually very keen at all. But when we're in well known gay areas like Soho in London or the Castro in San Francisco, he'll be OK with it for a short while. Elsewhere when we're walking along the pavement together, I'll sometimes find a way of playfully slipping his hand into mine, but he'll usually pull his hand away and look at me in a disapproving way.

I think boyfriend number 2 likes the idea of holding hands with me in public, although in practice he doesn't always seem to be comfortable with it. These days, when we're on the back seat of taxis together we'll usually hold hands, although he sometimes wants to put our hands under a bag or something to make it less obvious. And walking along the street he seems to have a similar attitude to boyfriend number 1, although with a bit less aversion.

Whenever I'm walking along holding hands with a boyfriend, I always think back to a comment I heard when I was at university. We'd managed to get an MP to come and give a light-hearted talk to some of the graduates, and afterwards, the MP's wife was talking about some of the students who'd been at the talk.

"Honestly, I don't know what's the matter with them," she starts, "all those [straight] couples seated along the back".

"How do you mean?" I ask.

"Well some of them were holding each other's hands throughout my husband's speech," she continues, "I mean, they're not teenagers any more! Are they really that insecure that have to hold hands wherever they go?"

At the time I was still hadn't come out to myself properly, and without a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I thought that having someone who'd be happy to hold my hand was a very nice idea. But she seemed to think it signified deep insecurity in their personalities.

Although she does have a point, there is another reason for gay guys to hold hands, and that is to make gay people more visible in everyday society. But to be honest, that's not why I like holding hands. Apart from enjoying the intimacy, I'm usually feeling happy whenever I'm with a boyfriend, and holding hands is just one little way of letting the world know that I'm glad we're together :-).

Email from a gay chinese guy who feels he can't come out

A couple of weeks ago, the following email arrived from one of my readers:

Dear GB,

I'm gay guy who's still at university, but I don't know if I will ever fully come out in the Western sense because I am Chinese and I am the only child. I don't think I will ever tell my parents. They just don't have the word 'gay' in their dictionary. It will be too cruel of me to do that. My mum has a grand plan for me already: after landing a good job, it is time to start a family. Hooray!!! Ideally, I will marry when I am 28, which is less than 7 years away, and I will become a father soon after. I do want to have kids, because I don't want to grow old and die alone (of aids).

I think I will probably get married, mainly due to family, social and peer pressure. But I will be desperately looking for some casual encounters, just like some of the guys that you mention in your blog. It is gonna be sad and pathetic I know :-(, but this is how things will turn out for me, according to my sixth sense. What do you think I should do?

I immediately replied saying that I thought he should be more optimistic, and the tone of his response was more upbeat. Perhaps he sent his original email when he was feeling particularly unhappy about being gay for some reason, especially because of the comment about dying alone of aids (I know from my subsequent email correspondence with him that he's sensible enough to know the rules of safe sex). None the less, his email raises some important issues.

One thought relates to any future wife that the reader may acquire. If he marries due to family and peer pressure, I don't think it's fair on his future wife is she doesn't know that deep down her husband is gay. Even though he's gay, he's likely to have some (if not a lot of) love and affection for her, so he should consider her situation before he goes through with it. Whenever I think of this issue, it reminds me of the plot of the story The Lost Language of Cranes by David Leavitt. I'd recommend anyone in the situation that this reader finds himself in to watch that on DVD if possible, or read the original book.

Although I'm not an only child because I have one sister, when I came out to my parents I did have some similar concerns. My sister had married a few years before I came out, but she'd agreed with her husband that they were never ever going to have any children. So I was my parent's last chance for grandchildren, and coming out as gay obviously dashed their hopes. [ As it turned out, my sister and husband ended up changing their mind about children a couple of years later, but that certainly wasn't the situation at the time when I came out. ]

Back then, even though my parents hopes for grand children had disappeared, I still ended up with their love and support. This of course is what I had hoped for, and the same might happen if the reader eventually comes out to his parents too. Although they naturally have various hopes and dreams for their son, it often turns out that a parent's main concern is for their son's success and happiness. It can take a bit of time for them to realise this, because if they have no idea that he's gay then it will be a bit of a shock when they discover the fact. None the less, with a much greater awareness of gay people these days, I think that many parents learn how to love their gay son as much as they loved the son they thought was straight. In fact they can end up loving him more!

The reason that it's possible for parents to love their gay son more than the straight son they thought they had is because eventually a stronger relationship develops between the people involved. That's definitely what happened in my case. Comparing the relationship that I had with my parents just before I came out with the situation one year later, the situation improved a lot and I think that this is quite common. Before they knew the truth, I dreaded the "Have you got a girlfriend yet?" line of conversation. I just couldn't be honest with them, and I didn't like visiting them because I couldn't be myself. For several years, the relationship was very tense and difficult. But once I'd come out and they'd accepted the situation, I was able to be honest and our relationship improved a lot because I was able to relax in their company again. Of course, this took time to happen. But if the reader never comes out to his parents, he may find that his relationship with his parents gradually deteriorates. And if he actually marries as a result of family pressures, he may end up resenting them for a very long time, perhaps for ever.

It's a fair comment, though, to want to have kids and be a father. I've said before that I'd like to be a father too, but I haven't found a suitable way of achieving that. Unfortunately I don't think I ever will :-(. I'm still open to suggestions for that, and in fact it would probably suit my current lifestyle to be a (mostly) absent father if a woman somewhere wanted that kind of arrangement. Anyway, I think the only comfort I can offer the reader in this respect is to say that it is possible for 'out' gay guys to have kids. There's also no reason why he should die alone (especially of aids), because if he's able to come out I'm sure he'll be able to find himself a nice boyfriend to live with :-).

In the terminology of my recent posting about gay lifestyle competence, having come out to himself but probably no one else, this reader is close to the white belt level. Coming out to his parents seems an absolutely monumental and impossible task. But every gay person I've ever met has always said that they gradually feel much happier the more they come out and establish their true identity, and the more they tell people the truth the easier it is to tell the next person. But as long someone tries to hide it, it remains one of the most important things in their life, and this inevitably means that it's hard for them to grow as a person and develop themselves in other aspects of their life.

How can he make progress? Well, I bet there are some people who he could confide in, and I think this is probably the best way forward for him. Even if there are people that he never feels able to tell, I think he would get a lot of benefit just from telling the truth to a single friend. And he'd get more benefit if he can find several close friends to tell. The best way to come out is to build confidence gradually, winning small victories with friends who won't mind that he's gay. Leave the difficult people until last, when one is close to black-belt level. The first step is always the hardest, admitting it to oneself, and he's taken that step already. The fact that he emailed me is also a good sign, so in contrast to his current view, I see a wonderful and happy future ahead for him :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

A reader's journey to being an out gay guy in a banking job

A few weeks ago, just after the Lord Browne story broke, I received an email from an Asian reader who now works in London . In my reply I asked him whether he would mind me posting his email in my "Reader's Stories" section. He said he was happy for me to do that, so here's his story. Hopefully it'll inspire other readers to follow similar paths if they find themselves trapped somewhere which isn't very gay friendly.

Dear GB,

It is quite pleasant to read through your blog. I've been your loyal blog fan for a while. The current Browne story and your experience as a gay city worker have both echoed my experience. Here is my journey.

I come from an East Asian country to study my master degree here in UK . Then I found my BF and, luckily, after graduating, I'm now working in the City for a branch of an Asian bank.

Before I come to the UK for study, my first job was also a banking job in my home country. At that time, I was confused and scared to death to be 'out'. The company culture makes me tend to lie and hide all the time. I also have to try my best to distance myself from the "Marriage" thing. It was a life of being trapped.

So I decided to give myself a break and come to the UK to get a master degree. During my study, I ended up chatting online with my "other half" who really was from "the other half" of the globe (southern hemisphere). 6 months later, he moved to London, and I finished my degree and moved down to London as well.

At first I was struggling at first to get a job after graduating although I am holding a masters degree from a top UK business school. Banking experience of a freshman back home was nothing here. Apart from a UK degree, I have no UK connection. I realise that to stay here with him I have to break the norm during the interview process. As my right to work full time was from my unmarried partner visa, job agents and interviewers unavoidably had to touch the visa status question to ask why I can work in the UK . I decide to gamble in every interview. Once they touched the question, I was just immediately out as a gay man and moved on. I confidently show interviewers my honesty and also stop them wasting time on this issue. It's my experience and background that counts. Take it or leave it.

Surprisingly, this attitude actually earned me more chances to get into interviews because some job agents did want to help me (of course, they get money too if I get a job). At the final stage of my current job interview, I told my managers that because I have to co-operate with them in the future job tasks, it's better to be honest with them that I am gay. I want to make it clear that the gay business is none of your business. For co-workers, I strategically gossip with them individually that I am gay. Now most people know but nobody talks.

Sometimes at work, some straight male co-workers still like to deliberately say to me "Look, that girl is hot. She is ….…. Don't you think so?" I always just smile and say nothing. Once they found I am bored on the girl issue, they will leave me alone.

At most East Asian Banks, no matter here or back in Asia , the managers are in a straight world kind of network. I am currently doing a Middle Office role for syndicated loans here in the London office. My manager seems want to try and let me move to Front Office and start to build up some contacts here. Because of my background, he started to take me to meet people in the circle of Asian Banks here. I am kind of under pressure because Asian people will start conversation about family, wife, girlfriend very quick. Currently, I am still doing the silly smiling thing. I think I still need to figure out a way to accommodate myself in these social circumstances.

After I come out (which is about 5 years ago), I've decided and told myself I don't want to lie about "I am not gay" anymore. But I also don't like to say immediately unless I can capture a person's view on gay, and be familiar with him/her for a while. So for some social situations I am still learning how to be comfortable.

In spite of this remaining issue, it's a new life for me now, a gay foreigner working in the macho banking area. I don't know what kind of challenges exactly lies in front of me. But I know from my past experience that my faith and my attitude can get me over it. I have nothing to lose. It's the final situation I want to be in.

A visit to the London gay interbank drinks

I hadn't socialised with my colleague P since last November, so chatting to him recently, we decided that the May interbank drinks evening for gay people who work in the City would be an ideal occasion to catch up with each other. Each month I always try and attend, but I had been unable to go along in April so the last time I was there was in March.

When the day came, it turned out that another gay friend of P's was interested in coming along, so together the three of us arrived reasonably early to ensure that we'd be able to get a table for the evening. P offers to get some wine, and soon we're tucking into an adequate albeit unexciting bottle of house red Burgundy. We're chatting away about various subjects when suddenly P's friend has to take a call on his mobile phone.

"Do you remember K?" says P's friend when he gets off the phone, speaking directly to P.

"Yes of course," replies P, "why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just need to discuss something with him. He's somewhere nearby, so I said he may as well come along and meet us here :-)."

"Wwwwhat?" says P going white as a sheet, and looking more than a little uncomfortable, "I, errrm, I..I'm not sure that's appropriate :-(, after all he's straight isn't he!"

"Errr OK," says P's friend, looking a bit taken aback by such a negative reaction.

"Well, perhaps we'll go somewhere else when he gets here then, how about that?"

"Actually I think you should meet him outside," says P firmly.

They look at each other, P looking a bit trapped and defensive, and his friend looking surprised.

"Well I guess there may be some guys here who are only comfortable because they expect everyone to be gay too," I try and offer helpfully, "so if they see K here they might be upset to be outed to him if they know him?"

While P's friend gets out his mobile phone and sets about phoning K, P leans over to speak to me quietly.

"It's just that I've never told K that I'm gay, not that he'd mind, I guess he obviously knows anyway, but, well, we've just never discussed it, you know, so I feel very awkward!"

But before I can reply, and while P's friend is still on the phone trying to get through, K walks straight into the room and spots us at once.

"Hi guys," he says with a huge smile on his face.

"Oh hi, I'm GB," I say with some enthusiasm, while P's friend is putting his phone away, and while P himself is trying his best to look comfortable.

As I'd expected, everything works out fine. Gradually P relaxes, and at one point when I'm talking to P's friend, I can tell that P has a brief chat with K about the fact that he's gay. In the language of my recent post about gay lifestyle competence, P is still a few belts away from his black belt. However it's occasions like this, that end up working out OK, that will help him graduate to higher competence levels!

Later in the evening I'm at the bar getting another bottle of wine, and looking at the wine list I decide that the 2001 Meerlust Merlot would be more fun than the house Burgundy that P's been feeding us with. While waiting to be served, I look around the room and suddenly spot Rye of Got Gay?, all on his own quietly sipping his drink. Having recently moved over from Canada this must be one of his first interbank drinks events, so while the barman is dealing with my credit card I go and say hello to him.

"Hi Rye," I say, "so how are you settling into London life then?"

"Oh hi GB," says Rye, "not so bad :-)."

"So where did you end up living in the end?"

"Hampstead actually, not ideal in some ways, but I had a terrible time finding anywhere that would let me have dogs."

"Well at least it's handy for Hampstead Heath while you're waiting for bud to arrive :-)!" I say mischievously.

"I'm not like you GB," laughs Rye.

Unfortunately I have to get back to my friends with the Merlot, so I bid Rye farewell saying that I hope to see him again soon.

The Merlot turns out to be a good choice. After around twenty minutes though I have to leave, because I've promised boyfriend number 1 that I'll have supper with him :-). It must be hard though, moving your life from one country to another and leaving all your friends behind, so on my way out I'm glad to spot Rye in the distance chatting to a couple of people. Although I lived in Singapore for a few months in the early 1990s when I was working on a project for my employer back then, so far at least I've haven't been brave enough to move to another country on a permanent basis!