Thursday, January 03, 2008

Do you "have sex" or "make love"?

I was looking at a few gaydar profiles recently when I spotted a guy who'd written the following sentence about himself:

"Prefer making love to having sex, as such the terms top/bottom, active/passive/versatile do not apply"

Although I've never really liked the terms top, bottom etc, I'd never really given much thought as to why I don't like them. But suddenly, when I read that line, everything became crystal clear!

Suit and handkerchiefSo much cruising relates to the mechanics of who does what to whom. There's no love, or interest in the person, apart from their ability to play the right role. Of course, this isn't new because before online cruising existed, the Hanky Codes were invented to help guys hook-up in the combinations that they wanted.

My experience suggests that a lot of gay men focus almost exclusively on the mechanical aspects of sex. If someone is able to play all the right roles well enough, the two guys may end up in a *relationship* which will last until they get bored, perhaps for a few months or maybe even a couple of years. I reckon guys who behave like this are having sex with each other, but never making love. In this context where there's no love, monogamy makes even less sense to me because we're just behaving like dumb animals, following our primordial sexual instincts. It's the world of pornography where one guy says to the other "Yeah bud, you like it like that don't you"!

The curiosity is that so many of the gay guys that contact me via this blog seem to be interested in love, especially the guys who are in the process of coming out, whereas many of the guys that have come out and that one meets online only seem to be interested in the mechanics. I can't help thinking that as guys come out, they often get gradually more involved in their local "gay scene", and that somehow encourages them to focus on their primordial sexual desires rather than gay love. Indeed, I've heard of several bisexual guys who've chosen a woman as their long term partner because they feel there's no love in gay male relationships.

When I'm cruising online however, I reckon that I always start by trying to find guys that it would be nice to make love to :-). But sometimes, I admit that I'll just end just focusing on the mechanics! I think the act of cruising gradually makes me feel more horny, so that if I 'm unable to find a nice guy to make love to, I'll end up just trying to find another horny guy to have sex with. But I do think that I try not to focus on the mechanics, and perhaps that explains why I have some success finding guys who want to be my boyfriend. Looking back only a couple of weeks, I can now see that my list of ten things which make me happy is incorrectly specified. It should definitely talk about 'making love' rather than 'sexual activities'!

Unfortunately the guy who wrote the sentence quoted above that inspired this posting lives on the outskirts of London, so meeting up with him would be inconvenient. But I did contact him to tell him that I'd be using his sentence in a posting, and to ask him whether he wanted me to attribute the sentence to his gaydar profile using a web link. He said he was flattered that I liked what he'd written, but didn't want a link.

Perhaps just "having sex" is something that we all have to get out of our system before we can focus properly on "making love" instead. Some guys probably get seduced by the gay scene and end up permanently focused on having sex, but I think many more tire of it and move on. My view is certainly that making love to another guy, and especially making love to a boyfriend, is infinitely superior to just having sex with him :-)!


Anonymous said...

That's a fantastic thing to have in a profile... I'm tempted to copy it myself!

BTW - Can we draw any conclusions from the choice of hanky colour chosen for the illustration.... The shade isn't 100% clear per your link, but can we assume our own GB is in fact a sailor?! ;)

Pete said...

How true. I've tried the "mechanics" too often trying to find out if there was anything else on offer. Usually, there wasn't.

Anonymous said...

there is certainly a difference between making love and just sex. I'm in a long term monogomous relationship and for the longest time I wanted to just once have some fun outside of the relationship. When I eventually did, it was very much having sex, and to my surprise I wasn't as turned on as I thought I would be. The certainty of sex, the lack of getting to know each other, and the lack of seduction made me realise how lucky I was to be able to make love to someone I really love.

GB said...

No Tommo, you can't draw any conclusions LOL! Although I put a title into that pic which reveals itself when the mouse hovers over it, it was just a joke. If you can choose one of those hanky styles and then go and find an image of a guy in a suit with that hanky, you're some sort of superhero because that was the only suit + hanky pic I found!

Yeah Pete, it's my experience too that if you just focus on the role you're after, then that's all you usually get!

And very nicely put mike, I agree with you too :-)

Take care, GB xxx

Monty said...

Good post GB! And thanks for putting down your personal experiences on paper (well, electronic paper anyway)'s always interesting, particularly for a relative "newbie" like me. :-) I must say, I need a connection with a guy, a way to emotionally and mentally link (and like) before I want to progress to the more physical side of things. Bring on the Making of Love I say! :-)

Masturbedroom said...

If I can recall correctly from your "Encounters" posts they seem to collectively infer that you don't do anything involving the back passage with casual partners, but I could well be absolutely off the mark! If it's true though then that helps place less emphasis on the mechanics. Ironically I think that love is made in its presence rather than absence.

Unknown said...

Hey GB, Happy New Year!

The whole mechanics and what to say people in a cruisy situation always scares me, a few years ago I had a few drinks and plucked up the courage to go to a sauna, clocked a guy I liked and his first question was 'So What are you into?' and to be honest I had no idea what to say! Don't get me wrong I love sex and i'm always happy to try loads of different things, but to put it into words for me just seems to take something away from it if that makes any sense whatsoever! SP x

GB said...

I always find it a little scary Masturbedroom when some of my readers know my blog so well LOL! I think you're remembering my first encounter with boyfriend number 3 :-). But I do disagee with your idea that making love to another guy must mean anal sex because there's much more on the menu than that :-).

I know what you mean SP, reducing sex to who does what to whom is very unromantic :-(. Anyway, Happy New Year to you too :-).

GB xxx

Masturbedroom said...

If you knew me in person GB I'd be intimidating!

What I meant was, I only make love to someone I already love, in which case even a kiss and a cuddle is an experience to be relished, nevermind the mechanics.

If, as you say, many young gays start out looking for love but end up being sheep, then there really needs to be a paradigm shift in gay culture. No more aiming to shag as many lads as possible before your first Botox appointment. Personally I think that can only be a good thing.

Anonymous said...

I always try to make love, but I think most of the time I'm deluding myself and end up just having sex. You can only make love with someone who is also playing the same game.

W said...

i have always known this - but it has taken a bloody long time to find someone worth 'making love' with as opposed to 'having sex' with. Sex with someone who you connect with is a lot of fun, but no, it doesnt compare to making love with that 1 special person in your life who you want to give everything over to.

GB said...

It turned out that this post was copied by as their Random post of the day a couple of days ago :-). But of course, they altered the pic to a pic to a couple of topless guys who look as though they're about to make love to each other. I don't know, I'm just not that obvious LOL!

Anyway, I see what you mean Masturbedroom. And it would indeed be good if there was a paradigm shift in gay culture, but I can't see that happening. I also notice that you've done something to your blogger profile, it used to be visible, albeit as the least informative profile possible!

I agree Paul, I reckon that unless the other person want to make love too, it's better just to have sex.

But I don't quite agree with you CSS, in the sense that I think it's possible to love more than one person at once. But then, you knew I'd say that didn’t you LOL.

Take care guys, GB xxx

Masturbedroom said...

I had to make my profile private when I realised that I had been lying to the world that I was an accountant in Afghanistan all this while. Then again there are many accountants in Afghanisstan on Blogger!