How does a closeted 25 year old gay virgin build a social life

A couple of weeks ago, I received the following email from a relatively new reader:

Dear GB,

I've recently been introduced to your blog, and I'd like to say the articles are very helpful. Your escapades in what appears to be a wonderful London are certainly most interesting! Congratulations on the GLBT Verve Award. It is well deserved!

I've read many of the Dear GB articles, and many of the difficulties they face are close to my heart. Your advice is very helpful, and non-judgemental, which I appreciate. And that has inspired me to ask for your advice :).

I'm turning 25 soon, and I have realised, that I have not fully come to terms with my gay sexuality. (I'm gay.)

I'll start with my background and some history. I'm an Indian who grew up in the Middle East. I realised I was gay when I was 12ish. I could not accept the cultural environment of the Middle East ("Gays are to be executed", among other bullshit), neither that of my quite Indian family ("Gays are a pariah of society").

I guess I had to look elsewhere to find acceptance of who I am. In retrospect, satellite TV and the Internet has built much of my belief system today. But I've let the fear of being found out completely dominate me as an individual.

The home environment became extremely turbulent and by 17, I moved to India for Uni, which as a repressed gay person, with an unsupportive family, was one of the hardest and darkest phases of my life. I started working at 20, and enjoyed some short lived happiness being independent and away from family. Eventually, the truth dawned that I would never be accepted in India, as well as the cultural friction I faced there in day to day life (I don't speak the language, and I don't look too Indian), drove me to change my circumstances again. I proceeded to take out a Masters degree in the UK, and one thing led toanother, landing me a job here.

Seeing other gay people here in the UK has made me realise how I have given into my fear of being found out, and let it completely dominate me, keeping me away from people, away from making good friends. I've frantically focused on being financially independent and it has been six years since I have seen my parents.

I've never been in a relationship, and to a very successful extent, I am ashamed to say, satisfied all my sexual needs with Internet porn. I've taught myself that since I am gay (from the age of 13) that I have to be alone. I think I've wired myself to the point that today, I am satisfied with where I am. It's sad, I guess, but somehow I am actually OK with it.

Reading your list of what makes you happy, was an epiphany. I do not want to look back in another five years, and see that all I have achieved is to be a financially independent loner, who has never cuddled! I may not regret it today, but I might tomorrow. All I've got today is a good job and a bunch of financial investments, the focus of my attempts at building an independent life! No memories or nostalgia or anything.

I want to change all of this, or at least be sure of what I want. I do not want to come out, for the risk of losing my few friends, and because work is filled with much older people, who are not exactly gay friendly, only *possibly* gay tolerant. (Because of the laws maybe?)

I am not really ready to cruise or have multiple partners like you, but would like a steady partner for the long haul, someone I can talk to, travel with, and cuddle with :) (Don't we all, eh? :P)

And this is where I need your advice. I simply do not know how to go about it. I hope you can see where I can coming from, it's been a hard but satisfying journey to get to where I am. However, having never kissed, or pulled anyone ever, and at my age most people go to clubs which again I have no clue how to do, I can't dance, no gaydar etc. The closest "gay" experience I've had is men checking me out in the gym shower! It's that bad :P

Perhaps what I need is a gay friend to show me how it's done! I should have joined the University LGBT society, but it's a bit late for that now. What would you suggest I do? Any pointers or advice would be appreciated.

I'm also taking a strong critical view of my life. From your experiences, what are the things you were glad you did in your life? Road trips? Being drunk silly? Sitting under a clear starry moonlit sky? :) I'd appreciate it, at the very least to realise what I am missing, and what I need to do.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you will help.

Wishing you a Happy New Year!

Some aspects of this reader's email actually reminded me of what I used to be like. I didn't join the gay soc at university either. I too was a virgin until I came out, also without ever having kissed anyone. However, back in the 1980's there was no such thing as internet porn, but in fact I didn't need it because I've got quite an active imagination :-).

Anyway, what I think this reader needs to do is to start meeting people face to face who know that he's gay. I don't think that he's ever actually had a conversation with someone who knows his secret. The good thing is that he lives in London, because it's a very good city for coming out. And for this situation, I can't think of anywhere better to do this than London Friend, which is a charitable organisation that's been going for more than 30 years. For a while, when I was coming to terms with my sexuality, I went there too.

London Friend has two types of service that could help this reader. What he's aiming for is Turning Point, the men's group for guys who are coming to terms with their sexuality. If he goes there, he'll start making friends with other guys just like him who are also worried about being gay. However, if being with a group of gay guys who all know that he's gay is initially too much for him, London Friend will be able to give him one-to-one counselling to prepare him to join the group. I still have friends that date back to the time that I went to London Friend, because very strong bonds are formed in such stressful situations like that, where people are emotionally very vulnerable.

Just for the record, I notice that London Friend now have a service called E-Talk, where they provide advice by email. I can see that some people might prefer this instead of emailing me, because if you email me for advice your email gets posted here in my Dear GB category. But with E-Talk it's completely confidential. None the less, one of the advantages of the Dear GB format is that you don't only get my thoughts, you also get the thoughts of some of my readers who leave comments :-).

In terms of his workplace, it seems very likely to me that once the reader who sent me this email gains a bit of confidence, then eventually he won't mind if his colleagues know that he's gay. It could well be that, at the moment, they make jokes about gay people in front of him. However, in my experience, in London these days people only do that if they think there aren't any gay people around because most people don’t want to cause offence. My boyfriend number 1 worked at a company like that in the 1990's, and when he finally came out, his bosses and colleagues were then embarrassed about things that they'd said in the past.

The reader also asks me what the things are that I'm glad that I did in my life so far. That's a very good question, but I want to think a bit about that so it'll make a great post for another time :-).

Do anyone else have any other thoughts which might help this reader?