Gay parenting

Just over a month ago, a regular reader sent me an email asking me a couple questions. Back then I didn't have time to answer him properly, partly because I was preparing to go on holiday, and partly because I wanted to think about my answers. One of the questions was about gay parenting, and the section of his email relating to that was as follows:

Do you think that steady gay and lesbian couples should have kids together? I'm guessing it would take some very unconventional dates for the couples to determine whether they would make suitable parents together and want to "consummate the relationship".

If they decide to go ahead and have kids, in the most muddled situation suitable for a Hollywood film, they could "cross match" so that with four children each could have a maternal and paternal half-sibling and a step-sibling! But really, in a setting like this, surely each man should stick to the same woman because there are so many extra complications for both parents and children e.g. each biological parent/child would have a biological child/parent living away from them (unless all four parents and kids are under one roof). And should the arrangement fall apart, each pair of parents would have combined responsibilities over three instead of two children, and there is also a higher risk of having to raise a child (whether step or biological) of an ex! (step or biological depends on whether the split is between the same-sex or opposite-sex couple or both)

Confused yet? That's why I shall stick to the scenario of not "cross matching" to make things simple, which would be the more plausible scenario in real life anyway!

I can foresee how the couples could cultivate platonic love for the mum/dad of their children through shared parenthood. Is that part of the solution for gay/lesbian relationships to prevent the relationship from breaking down as the sexual desire withers? Even if one or both the same-sex couples split there will still be the opposite-sex "partner" to enjoy a platonic relationship with, not to mention the children. I for one know that my siblings and I have helped tide our parents through periods of strain in their marriage.

Or maybe adoption is still the best solution? As I understand it, marriage/civil-partnership status and sexual orientation cannot be grounds for approving or rejecting an adoption application but a gay person can't just look for a random man/woman whether gay or straight and say "There...we both want to raise a child together and would like to adopt please".

Do you think having children helps cement gay relationships? Do you know of any (unmarried!) gay men who have successfully adopted? I really like the idea of adoption since I think the world is over-populated and that humans are brought into the world without any apparent purpose anyway or worse still, are here only to plunder Earth. The only thing a biological child can do that an adopted one can't is to satisfy my curiosity of what he/she would look like!

Certainly an email full of fascinating thoughts and questions, and it is a subject that's been at the back of my mind for several years. I've said before that I'd like to be a father, but I'm no closer to achieving it than when I did the post eighteen months ago on that subject. Actually, I feel that when I was a bit younger I would have made a terrible father because I didn't have sufficient maturity, but at this stage of my life I think I'd actually do a reasonable job.

I've always thought that the idea of finding a lesbian couple for a parenting arrangement would be a sensible way of doing it, but for me the problem is that I have very few lesbian friends. However, both boyfriend S and boyfriend P have more lesbian friends than I do, particularly boyfriend P who knows lesbian couples both in the city where he now lives and in the city where be grew up. So I guess there are still some distant possibilities for me there.

The reader seems to be suggesting that the gay guys and the lesbians would be able to "cultivate platonic love" for each other through this arrangement. However I don't think that things would work out like that because gay women love women not men, and gay men love men not women! So I reckon the relationship between the men and women would start out and remain as friendship only, and also that insemination would definitely not be via sexual intimacy. In any case, I think the reader is right that the cross-matching idea with four children is probably best avoided, for all the reasons he gives. But does any reader know of any couples who've actually done that?

When I think about the adoption/biological issue, for me a biological connection is important. I can even recall hearing about a case where a child became convinced while they were growing up that their father wasn't actually their biological father simply because they couldn't connect properly with each other, and eventually during the child's late teenage years it was proved that there had indeed been a mistake made at the hospital after the teenager's birth! I think it's also best if a child knows where they've come from, so that they can understand the origins of their family. It's also important so that when they've grown up they'll know if there are significant family medical histories that could affect them.

In my circle of friends in London I don't actually know of any gay parents, biological or by adoption. But I do know a fellow blogger who's a gay father in New York, namely Lavi Soloway. Last September he said in an email to me that "...I get the sense that all this gayby revolution stuff is very New York and L.A. and not-so-much London. Not yet." Indeed, I'd never heard the word "gayby" until I got that email, but I guess he's right and that there will be more gay parents here in London in the future.

I also think that raising children should help cement any loving relationship, whether gay or straight, as long as both people in the relationship commit to the task at the outset. If one person in a relationship is keen and the other isn't then it could destroy the relationship. But whether it's children or other shared interests, I'm sure it's a good idea to have some common interests as one grows older together :-).

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?