Email from a British guy who's ethnically Indian

A few days ago I got an email from an Asian guy, which was as follows:

Dear GB,

It's nice to know that there are gay men working within the finance industry in London, especially in investment, and possibly in Canary Wharf. It's nice and sort of a relief to know this because I always thought that the industry was and still is highly homophobic.

What's a guy to do when he dreams of working within such an industry at a top firm when he himself is questioning if he could indeed be straight, bi or gay and yet cannot bring himself to be 100% sure.

I'm a small town guy who has big city dreams, who is trapped by numerous invisible, seemingly infinite barriers. At the moment I only look on and dream of making a new life for myself in London.

But things aren't ever so easy, are they??

I'm an only son born into an 'average' Asian family with a mother and father who are deeply conservative, despite their protestations otherwise. Like a good Asian I'm to grow-up, be educated, get married, have children, carry on the family name and not be gay.

I'm 26, if I go through uni, then by the time I graduate I'll be 29.........Possibly too old to start a career in finance, in London, as a fresh graduate, especially as a Stockbroker.

My relationship with my father is at best strained. If I'm gay, it may finish him as his health isn't amazing, he may cut me off and force me out. I need to hold on until I set myself up. But when?

Everyday I die a little. I suffer from depression, of which I am now just beginning to overcome. I'm single and haven't had any relationships that my family know of. My father hears from some relatives about how their sons are dating, engaged etc. And here I am hiding the fact that I'm bothered about getting old, missed and am missing what are supposed to be the best years of my life and the fact that I'm close to tears, but cannot cry. Everything I do in my life is a precaution, from saving money, making investments, people, education, to learning from others.

If you met me on the street, you'd think nothing of it, the chances are that you'd see someone who's okay, not someone who's falling to pieces deep inside - I sometimes wonder if my performance is worthy of an Oscar.

I've never met you. I've no idea if you really work as a banker, in investment, in London. I've no idea how old you are, which firm you work for, if you are 'out' to all you know. But if you're true, I respect you.

They say that times of adversity are a test of character......But I'm tired and tired of being tired.

I've not really asked any questions in this e-mail. I guess I'm just e-mailing after stumbling upon your blog earlier today, and wondering if you've any advice whatsoever.

x

It's true that in devising the title for this posting, I made a couple of assumptions. Although he doesn't say so, the email gives the strong impression that this reader lives in the UK. That means that he's probably ethnically Indian or Pakistani, because that's what the term Asian often means here in the UK. I also know that the family pressure to conform in the Indian and Pakistani communities can be enormous, so it's not surprising that the poor guy is under so much stress and suffers from depression.

Having read his email a few times, I think that this reader must find a way to go to university somewhere. Preferably this would be in a town or city that's a long way from this home town, so that he can escape the influence of his family, and try and develop some independence. The goal is to get qualifications so that he can get himself a good job of some sorts, on his own merits, rather than working in the family business. If he can gain some independence, the pressures he feels from his family will start to subside, and he can start to feel more comfortable about working out what his sexuality is.

Stockbroking or banking are good careers, but they're just two perhaps rather old-fashioned careers now that we're firmly in the Internet age. It may well be that at the other end of a university course the reader is more interested in other careers, so he should try to keep his options open. Focusing on whatever he finds most interesting would be sensible, because people are more successful when they're engaged in subjects that they enjoy.

Going to university needs funding of course. When I went to university in the 1980's there was free state funding in the form of student grants, but that's now been replaced by student loans. Even if his family will give or loan him the money that he'll need, he may feel he doesn't want to rely on them for that, in which case he shouldn't be scared of taking a student loan. Supplementing his income with part time jobs while he's at university is another idea.

If he does manage to go to university, I would expect that he'll find it very hard at first and that he'll initially be very disoriented because he'll be in unfamiliar territory. He'll have to persevere, and perhaps keeping his goal of independence from his family firmly in his mind will help him get through the first few months. Once he settles in though, he should try and enjoy himself :-).

Although the reader isn't sure whether he's gay or straight, it's true that London is a good place to be in the UK for gay guys. There are lots of jobs in London too, not just stockbroking or banking ones, so at the end of his university course I would suggest that he thinks about moving to London for whatever career he wants to follow.

Finally, he's worrying about missing "the best years of his life". I've never subscribed to the concept that any particular time in my life has been "the best years" because each new chapter brings new challenges and new rewards. However, the fact that this reader's adult life has been so unhappy up to now makes me certain that if one does think about "the best years", for this guy they're definitely in front of him!

Do any other readers have any further thoughts for this guy?