Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Email from a guy who used to be in a difficult relationship

Last week, I got an email from the guy who emailed me last year about his difficult relationship. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,

Not sure whether you remember me but we corresponded a while ago. It must be about a year ago.

I was the one with the boyfriend trouble with the nice apartment where he stayed over and people was thinking that he was using me. :) Anyway he has moved out and we have a good understanding and I told him that we should be good friends etc.... He's moved out and all is well. We still see each other most weekend. I think it is nice to have some companionship in London. :)

Ok just to cut to the chase. I just had the guts to register on gaydar and have included pictures of my fit body. :) Have got a lot of response but as soon as they know my origin (Chinese) most of them just don't be bother anymore which sucks. A lot of guys have mention that I am sexy and look more mix than Chinese. Most of the guys that are interested are all older and I am not interested. :(

Anyway I just pick up this guy from gaydar today and we had sex. He was huge and I did not think I could accommodate. :) He was nice and gentle and so the experience was pleasant. The only think is that I am feeling weird about the whole situation. Maybe it is because this is my first experience on gaydar and trying out for a quick shag but I feel slightly sick about myself. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to experience but this may not be my type of thing.

I think gaydar is all about a quick shag. Do you know of any other website where gay guys in Finance/banking who earn a decent salary meet? Would you recommend match.com? Am actually looking more for a relationship and meeting nice guys.


It was good to hear that he'd solved his previous problem, and that he's now got the confidence to negotiate encounters with guys from gaydar :-). But judging from his email, he's the type of guy who prefers relationships to quick shags, and I think he's right that most of the guys who use gaydar are just after quick shags!

Now that he's branching out to meet other guys, he's discovering that a lot of younger British gay guys are much more inclined towards other British guys when it comes to choosing sexual partners, and often avoid guys who're ethnically Asian. Long time readers may recall that a student in Scotland emailed me about this problem last year. It's an unfortunate fact of gay culture in Britain and there's no easy solution.

For what it's worth, my own view is that guys are being narrow-minded if they just focus on their own ethnic group when looking for boyfriends and sexual partners. Part of the problem is that there's a lot to handle when one comes out as gay, so looking for guys from a similar background is easier because it's more comfortable. However, once a guy is comfortable with being gay, I think dating guys from other backgrounds and cultures is a good idea. I think gay relationships work best when there's some kind of complementarity between the two guys, and there's bound to be a lot of complementarity between them if they're from different ethnic backgrounds. So if the guy who sent me the email last week earns a decent salary in finance/banking, it might be better if he could find a struggling artist to be his boyfriend for example, rather than another guy with a decent salary in finance/banking!

None of my friends or readers of this blog have ever said anything to me about match.com, so on that basis I doubt that it's much good for gay dating. However, I've heard good things about outeverywhere.com, both from friends and blog readers. As a result, I recommended it last year when I got an email from a guy who's new to London. In terms of finding a boyfriend, it's probably a much better place to start than gaydar!

Do any other readers have any other thoughts for this guy?


Anonymous said...

I lived in Britain for several years and empathise.

Don't despair! Try putting up pictures of your face, it will help a lot. The problem with body pictures especially if you are fit is that your skin tone will cause you to be perceived as a white guy with an attractive natural tan. That's hot commodity on the gay market. There will be a deluge of responses even if you list your ethnicity, because gaydar is not lacking in guys with short attention spans. Many of these will eventually not be interested down to the fact that you are not white (not because you are Asian; except the guys who say racialist things like "No Asians").

Don't be let down by your current experience. I met many goodlooking guys in the 18-30 age group. I had to work a little harder compared to the effort I have to put in back home, but the reward was that they were *all* intelligent and open minded guys and most became friends or fuck buddies rather than quick shags, which was great! :)

You can also consider meeting non-white men or slightly older men which will expand your dating pool. I respect that your choice of partners is sacred but to increase and actually project some confidence try imagining yourself being everything you are except that you are white, then think about the men you are "allowed" to date and go for them! Basically that includes all gay adult men other than those 20-40 years older (unless white men also start doing that). That worked somewhat in increasing my chances of landing a date and being considered equally in the dating game.

Also try meeting guys in real life. It's harder to turn down offline advances and you'll be able to evaluate each other better. The sequence of a glance, a smile, some relevant non-cheesy lines and an introduction is very powerful. Try this at gyms, parks (not those parks), libraries, charity shops and specialist food shops, just don't try it on guys who look like they would punch you. Again, don't despair if turned down.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Is it just me who thinks that this guy is a hypocrite? He's complaining the fact that he is turned down by other guys just because he is asian. However, at the same time, he's turning down other guys because they're old AND probably doesn't earn enough or not in the finance/banking sector (last bit of the email asking where he can find those kind of people). I'm not some old white janitor guy in my coffee break moaning about him but I think that this guy is a hypocrite. Yes, we do have our "types" but once you're narrowing down your dating pool based on people's salary, I think that's as bad as being a racist. controversial, yes. I'm a young asian guy myself but my dating pool is far bigger than this guy because I don't put such restraints. If he really is looking for a relationship rather than quick shags, i think he needs to move out of the ageist and elitist mentally and search for a connection to each individual and perhaps his search for a relationship will be more succesful.

Anonymous said...

Leon: the asian factor is a purely physical one, while the income level and the age are not necessarily so. it's always futile to form a checklist but you do need to keep some things in mind about your preferences that may come into play in relationship. the financial one, given his previous experience, is a valid one in any relationship and the age, yes, also could be. the age itself could be seen as just a polite way of rejecting 'wrinkly blokes' but actually it's easier to date people who are in a similar stage of life as yours... no need to be so harsh so quickly.

Anonymous said...

As someone who met their partner on outeverywhere.com coming up to 7 years ago, I obviously think the suggestion is a good one. It can be somewhat cliquey though and the discussions on the forums inane some of the time - thinking about no different to gay life in the real world!

I also think the comment from kcpj about how asian guys look like tanned caucasians in body pics is well made. For me personally, part of the issue is not that I don't like the face pic when it arrives, but more that I have formed an expectation of seeing a white guy which is then stood on its head and the feeling of discontinuity might well lead some people to back off. So I am far more likely to chat to an asian guy if he has a face pic than if he has just a body pic.

MadeInScotland said...

Gosh. Where to start.

Firstly GB my experience is that British guys do *not* tend towards British guys for sexual encounters, and I would dispute that statement.

I and my discreet best friends (so that is a core of only 3) would prefer to experience other than British (especially English).

But perhaps that is only professional types who like to expand horizons through experience.

What might drive us that way? Porn of course. Look to what is de jour and, therefore, hot. Eastern Europeans. Before then some JNRC or Cadinot (to go back earlier). Also Americans.

To be brutal, asian (definition to be determined as below) fans are a distinct and acquired taste.

In terms of ethnicity what are we talking about?

I think the context is asian-oriental. Typically Indo-Chinese rather than Indian/Pakistani.

In the UK historically we would refer to oriental, rather than asian - meaning Indian/Pakistani.

Then look to the stereotype asian-oriental. Passive, smooth and cock size not disclosed. Not a judgement, but a Gaydar frequent occurrence.

The preference of a certain type of older guy? Maybe perhaps-those who prefer either a more feminine or else a more, shall I suggest, *youthful* type. I have often seen older UK guys with much younger oriental guys leaving me to ponder (if I'm asked to) the balance of that relationship.

So, is it narrow-mindedness? Actually I don't think so. It may be something to do with stereotypes, and of course stereotypes are the rule that prove other than the exception.

Theory aside, if I were a single gay man what would I prefer to shag?

I prefer a man. That means someone with some body hair, masculine hairy bits.

But that is just me. And 3 out of 3 others, and so maybe something more frequent.

Oh, and Japanese are not classified in the oriental-Chinese bracket. Maybe others will agree and explain why. I've gone on enough.


Anonymous said...

leon m, ageism is not the same as having a racial preference. Imagine if your parents separated and your mother started seeing a man 10 years younger than you, would you be broad-mnded enough to accept? Liberal folk have come to accept interracial and gay relationships but those with a wide age gap still make the news. It is one of the remaining taboo relationships probably because it is reminiscent of the "P" word and the "I" word. Frankly I am nauseated whenever I see a barely legal boy or girl strolling the streets of Bangkok with their grandfather boyfriends.

czechout, I guess there islittle difference between you and the millions of men who allow their tastes to be shaped by porn rather than real life encounters. I agree somewhat that sterotypes prove the rule rather than the exception but I have found that there are plenty of exceptions in Tokyo, Manila, Bangkok, KL and Singapore, more than enough to satisfy my appetite. Perhaps you think that the Japanese are different because Japanese porn is evolving as they take control of their industry and start casting men befitting Western ideals. It is in the interests of white men who venture into the gay porn industry in Indochina to reinforce the passive, smooth, small cock, youthful stereotype so as to lower Asian men'sself esteem and perpetuate the stereotype that they shouldn't settle for anything "less" than their white grandfather heroes.

I suggest that this guy keep his options open. The dynamics of gay relationships are different and commitment is not high up on the list of most young gay men these days no matter what they say about looking for the perfect boyfriend in their gaydar profiles. If you are made for each other then more often than not a relationship with fall into place, though not in the official sense unless one of you pop the question. Looking mixed also does not guarantee attractiveness, I have come across plenty of Eurasians and the majority are ordinary looking. Evaluate your attractiveness honestly and go for guys of a similar standard and you are more likely to be successful. x

Anonymous said...

American movies always belittle Asian man characters and makes them not wanted. That time it was not acceptable (lost face) for America and British to lost battles to Asian men in Pearl Harbor, then in Singapore and Viet Nam even though overall they win the World War. So come up with things like Fu Manchu, Breakfast at Tifany's, and promote William Hung and not use Asian man models and at same moment show that Asian woman can only pair with American man to further show Asian man not wanted. Only Chinese movie that can sell in America is Jackie Chan and Jet Li who makes themself looks stupid or only know kung fu and makes the world thinks Asian man in that way. Zhang Yimou not helping much too by making the movies that satisfy the Western market. Low budget made nonprofesionnal Japanese pornography with ugly public men also not good for Asian image. I remember survey said American will more trust African President, then Latin, and least Asian. Maybe because they not trust a Asian President because Asian countries rising in influence. Even the President candidate have to be half white not pure African. I see America will still dictate world standards for approximate another 50 years, so will continue portrey Asian man as not meeting the standard. So Asian man have to fight for self because so many misconceptions about them globally.

Anonymous said...

The thing that struck me about the posting was that although he is intimating that he is looking perhaps a more serious relationships, his approach is almost a typical gaydar one, i.e. are they hot or are they not.

If he really wants to meet someone who will look past his ethnicity, it would be prudent not to rely on the internet so much. With any online dating site, it is oh so easy to exclude people who aren't our 'type', however, it so quite common for many couples to tell you that they wouldn't have necessarily gone for the person they are now with. Once you get to know someone, you start to see beyond the physical (not completely, but I guess this is when personality and sustainable attraction set it).

And similarly, perhaps he needs to appreciate his ethnicity a little more. Saying that you look mixed, shouldn't be something to be proud (or ashamed of). Love who you are, and be proud of your heritage, and perhaps a deeper internal strength will shine through.

Anonymous said...

Leslie: I have never read such nonsense in my entire life. It reads like a Daily Mail article. I would say style and no substance but style is wholly lacking. Did you see America's 50 year's domination at the bottom of a teacup by any chance?

Anonymous said...

nobody wants a moaning asian boy. if u cant accommodate than travel!!!

czechout ive been searching in vein for my beautiful friend, r u the 1 who will actually b like the eastern europe pornstars? will u b my Pavel or Lukas complete with funy accent? how do i get in touch?

Anonymous said...

Ruling out a person by their race because you have already decided what they look like is stereotyping and discriminatory. Until one has met all people of that race, one cannot possibly say that one will never consider dating a member of that race without having racist preconceptions.

It's also poor excuse to fool oneself by saying one is only attracted to pale skin or blue eyes. Those who say this are still very likely to fall for tanned white boys with brown eyes but will never consider an Asian with pale skin or an Arab with blue eyes.

I like lean or defined men with attractive features. If I met this reader of yours, GB, I will date him if he is attractive, but if he not my type then it is definitely not because he is Chinese. I especially like some of the east and southeast Asian sportsmen. This retired diver is one of my favourites. Don't you just want to peel off those skimpy trunks of his?



Anonymous said...

My "nonsense" wrote by Nuostradamus. I hope to continue improve on my English writing style, maybe you want to learn and write Chinese articles with substance? In foreigners circles it is very popular now you know.