Sunday, November 30, 2008

More on how gay relationships should be constructed

Last January, I wrote a post about how gay relationships should be constructed which suggested a model for gay relationships which doesn't assume monogamy. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I still feel that monogamy isn't necessary as long as there is a sound basis for the relationship. Part of the reason for mentioning this again is in response to the first comment on my last posting.

Reading the post from last January again, I still can't fault it. The idea that I was trying to convey is that if all interactions are good between the two guys in the relationship, it really doesn't matter what happens when they're not together. For the interaction between them to be good there would need to be mutual support, lots of companionship (i.e. a strong interest in each other's lives), so that they're always each other's top priority :-). That's the best succinct definition of mutual love that I can devise on a Sunday afternoon! However it's vital that the guys in the relationship are each other's top priority. It's when either of them have other priorities that relationships fail, whether it's work commitments or other friends or lovers.

The fact that that kind of relationship is incredibly hard to find is why it doesn't matter whether they have sex outside the relationship or not. Once the relationship is established, the idea that anyone would abandon such a loving environment because they had some good sessions with another guy is ridiculous. However appealing another guy might be, leaving a functional relationship to take a chance on whether the other guy might be even better would be incredibly risky. In any case, the other guy would be foolish to enter into the relationship, because someone who leaves their partner in such a situation can't be trusted.

One final thought is that if two guys want a monogamous relationship for whatever reason, the monogamy bit needs to be in addition to the mutual love and support that I've described above. After all, I don't think it would make sense for a guy to say "My boyfriend doesn't really care about my life but at least I know that he's not sleeping around"!

10 comments:

Mike said...

Thank you for this thoughful analysis. I wholeheartedly agree with both this and your original post; the foundation of a long-lasting relationship must be respect, honesty and love - the support and friendship you describe. The idea love=sex is wrong. Monogamy is artificial, and I think more so for homosexual couples as they do not hsave the long-standing institutional expaectations that go with marriage, child-rearing, gender roles etc.

Anonymous said...

Dear Gb, I am honoured that my comments have led you to write a whole post. I appologise for always being anonymous, but like alot of bloggers i need to keep my identity for now.....!
I will ponder your post and comment again later.

John F said...

I think that every human being is different. Some people are best-suited to monogamous relationships and others aren't. That's the great thing about the human condition - everyone has their own sets of rules and situations in which they operate best.

I think we get into trouble when we start prescribing rules for everyone (e.g., "Only monogamy is acceptable," or "Monogamy doesn't work for anyone."). Your experiences might lead you to believe that everyone you've come into contact with believes a certain thing, but it by no means applies to everyone and it's unfair to think that it does.

I'm by no means condemning monogamy or its opposite (promiscuity?), I'm simply saying that it's folly to expect that the same set of rules applies to everyone.

By that logic, it is also unfair to say that the same set of rules applies to every member of a particular group - gay men, for instance (of which I am a member). It's not correct to say "I'm a gay man, therefore I'm hard-wired to be non-monogamous and that's okay." The thing is, you don't need to attribute your personal preference to (or justify it through) your gender or your sexuality any more than you would use your hometown as an excuse.

Furthermore, I find it troublesome that some gay men think that they are allowed to behave in a particular way because they are gay and for no other reason. Time and time again, acquaintances of mine have shrugged off childish or dangerous behaviour (this includes promiscuity) by saying "I'm allowed to do this, I'm gay." which to me is lunacy.

Just my two cents.

Great blog, by the way!

Anonymous said...

Live goes in stages and I praise the second part of it! Sex is so terribly overrated. That does not mean that I have any prejudices or a negative attitude towards it. I praise life over 50! Also here generalizing doesnt help. But I think it's more than tragic if guys over 50 are still so dominated by it and make their lifes hell by wanting to compete with the younger crowd. I'm fortunate that I had more than the average share of sex in my younger years and I do not regret much. I do condemn however the fact that so little gay gays see their gay existence as a challenge for personal growth and evolution. I see my goal and my motivation as a gay guy to become as sophisticated as possible in as many fields of life as possible. That means first and foremost to become a warm, caring and unique individual that is able to listen to it's own needs and does not get easily distracted by the ever existing peer pressure in the gay community. As a matter of fact I dont give a damn shit of what is in and out in the so called gay scene. Being sophisticated and truly yourself gives you a natural sex appeal! Quality becomes much more important than Quantity. So I praise life over 50! So much more peace and quality of life!

Monty said...

I find I agree with John F. And having met you GB, and gotten to know you a little bit more than your general reader, I think that you'd probably also agree with him. Although I personally feel that monogamy is important to me, that's what works for me and that's fine. I know that it isn't important to you and you're happy like that and respect individual choices. I do think that you may give the impression of being an advocate for the non-monogamous lifestyle which may put off some readers.

Anyway, what I did want to ask...you mentioned that it's when other priorities take precedence that a relationship fails...do you think that's what happened with you and Boyfriend 1?

Anyway, keep providing your insights my friend. You always provoke discussion which is a great thing! :-)

Monty! xxx

Anonymous said...

Dear Gb, well I've pondered your post and the other comments so far and like Monty I agree with John F. We are all different and have different values. I live with my partner and to say 'it doesn't matter what he does when we are not together or to have sex outside of the relationship is exactly why gay people are branded as 'promiscuous'. I could not live by your rules of sleeping around and still pronounce that i love someone, to me that would mean there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. This is why in the straight world people have 'affairs' is it not. However your posts are your thoughts and if it works for you good on you. I do hope though others who read it aren't swayed by your rules and thoughts but use them purely for what they are written for and that is to produce debate. I say to all, stay true to your own integrity and don't act or judge others for theirs.
I wonder though do the other bloggers you have met live by your rules and are they more than internet friends!

Anonymous said...

GB, abit worried that your pic is of two very very young boys....

Anonymous said...

consructed in the title should be spelt constructed.

GB said...

Thanks for your support Mike :-).

I'd be interested to know what you think of my post today John F, and 1st+3rd anonymous commenter :-). But I must say that the other bloggers that I've met are just friends, not friends with benefits LOL!

I'm glad you've found a good quality of life second anonymous commenter, whoever you are.

Looking back at the last few years of my relationship with ex-boyfriend S (aka boyfriend number 1) Monty, in our case I think there were other issues which are just a bit too sensitive to be made public.

I nicked that pic from the Best Gay Blogs web site, fourth anonymous commenter, whoever you are. On one day back in January, they chose my first post of 2008 as their Random Post of the Day, and that pic accompanied my words. Since they nicked by post, I thought it was fair game to use their pic when an appropriate occasion arose. Of course, Best Gay Blogs was taken over quite a few months ago now, so the old link to my post as the Random Post of the Day doesn't work any more. Apologies if anyone thinks that the guys in that pic are a bit young, I assume best gay blogs had a policy about the age of the guys in their pics. In case anyone is in any doubt, I only engage in activities with guys who're fully developed :-)!

Thanks for pointing out the typo which I've now corrected fifth anonymous commenter :-).

GB xxx

Adam said...

Such a great analysis. .Gay and proud here! :)