Love, the closet, and other boyfriend issues

Just over a week ago the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I discovered your blog about 2 months now, and I have been reading it on a regular basis every other week when there is a new post. It was a refreshing prospective, sometime I agree and sometime disagree, but that's the beauty of it I guess. I am a gay male 34 years old. I live in New York but from a Middle Eastern origin and been living in the states about 11 years. I hesitated writing an email for almost a month. But then something happened this week and I decided to give it a shot.

My boyfriend of about 11 months decided to break up with me this week. It was a little devastating and I am still in a little shock zone. I will give you a little background about how we met. We met at the gym sauna! We did not have any fun at the sauna but I went to his place and what started as a hook up turned to a relationship and we been together since. Though at first when we met he was on some sort of long distance with a guy in another country, but after 2 months of being together I made it clear that he had to choose. And since then we've been together. He is 4 years older than me. We both in Finance but I recently lost my job!! He still works for an investment bank. He is very closeted and I on the other hand am more open toward my friends and the people I know. But I was never open at work, though people might have suspected but I never talked about it. On the other hand he has very limited friends to which he is out (about 2), so this situation has created some sensitivities sometime. At first he was against meeting any of my friends or any introductions that will indicate we are a couple. But then he came along slowly, and he came to my birthday party, and he met a few of my friends on other events as well. But he remained always very uncomfortable about the idea of being public about being gay even within a closed circle of friends. He was a bit upset when he ran into an old colleague during my birthday party. But he got over it with time.

So for the last 10 months we hung out a lot almost every weekend and a night or 2 through the week. I will admit ... that sometimes I tend to be on the needy side and if it was up to me ... I would love to have moved together already. But he was always against it and at first he said it was too early. But with the time it became just not an idea on the table to discuss. I come to the realization that the idea of moving together is still too soon; so I let it go.

He travels a lot sometime and I tend to miss him a lot when he goes away. During the last holidays he took a long vacation with his family (he is not out to them). That lasted a month and half!! It was very hard on me, having him gone all that time. But I dealt with it. He warned me before he traveled that it will be very hard for him to call me as he will be surrounded by his family most of the time. I was patient as much as I could ... but I still find it a bit hard that he could not call or sms once in a while. We kept some sort of email or phone call like once a week. At the end of his vacation I suggested to meet him in his original country (South America) since he was due to go there for work after the vacation for 2 weeks before returning to New York. He said it would not be a good idea as he will be busy and working. After some persistence from my part he reluctantly agreed. So I flew for a week to meet him and we had a great week. After his work we would go for dinner and during the weekend go to the beach and such.

But I felt he was distant and seemed like he was just being nice since I was there. We had a lot of sex in that trip. But I felt it was a distant sex and not with the same patient as we used to.

Then came the bomb. When we returned to New York. We returned on separate days. He called me and said we need to talk, and then he said "that he needed to be by himself and that he does not feel like being a boyfriend anymore". As much as I was devastated I asked that we need to meet in person and talk about it. We met over a cup of coffee and it was a hard conversation. He said that he needed to be alone. But when I pressed on knowing the real reason he said few things. Like that he hated being exposed and that I exposed him a lot. He did not like meeting my friends or inviting them over. He did not like being out as a couple. He also said he did not like the fact that I was at his place every weekend (something I can agree a little bit with ... but If you love someone wouldn't you like to spend time with them?)

He said he is selfish and he tried the committed relationship but it is not for him. (Prior to me his other long relation was with a girl about 12 years ago and lasted 2 years). He asked about remaining friends and having fun and travel together but not being committed. I was upset and I said I love him and that I can't be just his friend. I got a bit emotional and I cried. He said he needs sometime to think. But he kinda made it clear he want to move forward but at the same time said to leave it in God's hand! I agreed to give him time and let him think about it.

I love him. It hurts me so much. I realized his problem with having a long term relation but over the time we been together he made a great progress and that's what keeps me hoping that with time he will be ok.

It has been 4 days since we last spoke. And though it is hard for me, I have not tried contacting him, even when he is on-line on msn or Google chat. I log in as invisible this way he will not see me. I get weak sometime and I get tempted to call or sms him. But I am still strong so far. I don't know what else to say.

Sorry for the long email. I feel confused and I am not sure if this is something I should give it a thought or it's over? As much as Valentine's Day is over rated, this was going to be the first Valentine's Day when I was hoping I would have a real boyfriend.

I had 2 relationships before which lasted less than a year.

I hope to get some feedback. Losing my job and now losing the BF is like two bad strikes.

Kind regards,

I felt very sorry for this reader when I read his email. It's clear that he's very much in love with his ex-boyfriend, so as he says, losing his job and now his boyfriend must be very tough on him. He sent me a quick update a couple days ago, which said:

I tried calling my ex last weekend and it was a very short call. He said he is putting his things in order and this is what he wants. It was a 1 minute phone call. I should have known better but in any case I was not that upset about his distance. I have not tried getting on touch with him since then. Though it is hard, I am focusing on finding a job these days. I have some interviews set up and am hoping for the best.

Indeed, I see no hope for this reader to get back together with his ex-boyfriend in the short term. The ex-boyfriend is clearly not comfortable being gay. No doubt this has something to with his upbringing. Presumably he was brought up as a Catholic, in the macho South American culture too. Both those things are obstacles that he will have to overcome at some point if he's ever to lead a happy life as the gay man, which is presumably what he is. But while he fights against himself and against the people like this reader who love him, I think by far the best thing to do is to leave him alone. Of course, the ex-boyfriend is being very foolish to let such a loving guy like this reader go, but while the ex-boyfriend in his current frame of mind there's nothing that can be done about it.

The email reminded me about an English guy that I met who's a friend of my friend P. This English guy lived with his Chinese boyfriend for 14 years, and then one day the boyfriend suddenly announced that he was ending the relationship and that he was going to leaving the country to go back home. It turned out that the boyfriend had been planning this for almost a year without the knowledge of the English guy. The ultimate reason for the break-up was the pressure that the boyfriend had been receiving from his family, who didn't know that he was gay. From the point of view of the reader who sent me this email, he should be happy that he's found out about his ex-boyfriend's state of mind after only 11 months, rather than after 14 years!

One good thing is that the reader is obviously a clever guy. It's clear from his emails that he knows that the best thing to do is to leave his ex-boyfriend alone. It's clear that he knows that he's often too needy, which is always unattractive in a boyfriend. And it's also clear that he knows that the best thing for him to do is to try and find himself another job, which should have an additional benefit of helping him feel less needy. So I'm not sure how much I can add!

If terms of finding a boyfriend, I think it would probably be best if the reader gives himself a few months to recover from having been dumped by his ex-boyfriend. Hook-ups for sex are fine, but in the short term he should avoid thinking about relationships. Indeed, I'm following a similar strategy following my break up with ex-boyfriend P. I've decided that hooking-up for fun is fine, as it meeting potential boyfriends to get to know them. However I'm not going to commit to anything kind of relationship for at least six months!

Although I think this reader needs to look for love elsewhere, I think he also needs a strategy in terms of what to do if his ex-boyfriend contacts him. For the moment, while he's recovering from the situation, I think that he's wise to stay hidden on MSN and Google chat, but eventually he should allow himself to be visible. He mustn't contact his ex-boyfriend of course, but it's possible that eventually his ex-boyfriend will contact him. If that does happen, then I think it would be bad for the reader to compromise too much in terms of what he needs from a relationship. Such a loving guy like the reader clearly needs to aim for a live-in boyfriend who can be open about his sexuality. So if the ex-boyfriend gets in touch with the reader, unless the ex-boyfriend has changed his mind so that he's happy to work towards that kind of relationship, I think the reader should avoid taking the guy back as his boyfriend again.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this situation?