Email from a distressed catholic schoolboy

About three weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I'm an openly gay teen in the states; first and foremost, I want to give you props for having such an interesting, provocative yet classy blog. I think if more heterosexuals read blogs such as this one, maybe the gay community wouldn't have such a negative reputation (maybe) =T

anyways

I'm 18, in my fourth year attending an all male catholic high school, and honestly cannot complain: those who do know of my orientation are extremely supportive, even my parents have come to accept it in as little as a year. I've had many successful relationships, along with a few unsuccessful ones (a closeted 30-something year old that turned out to have a wife and two children ... I promise I was not aware). Throughout the good and the bad, my best friend has been there for me. In our second year of high school (during a sauced up night) I came out to him, knowing he was gay -- he stabbed me in the back and outed me to my circle of friends. After a few months of loathing each other and setting each other up for humiliation, we came to the conclusion that things would be much easier if we combined forces ... so we've been best friends for the past two years.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever happened between us. There is entirely too much ego built up between the two of us, added to the fact that I get a sense we're both too afraid to do anything about it. What I'm getting at is, I've developed a classic crush on my best friend! We joke about what would happen if we actually had sex, etc. yet recently he's been making up any excuse to talk about our non-existent relationship -- including a few provocative text messages.

What do I do? How do I handle this?! Help! loll
-distressed catholic schoolboy

This is quite an unusual situation for many reasons, but one thing in particular stands out to me. When a young gay guy gets a crush on one of his male friends, the friend is usually straight. So any gay student who gets a crush on a gay friend is very lucky, because in that situation there's a chance that the feelings might be reciprocated. Even so, there's still a big concern that the other guy will reject an attempt to change the friendship into a boyfriend-ship, especially in the situation described by the reader where the friend betrayed trust on a previous occasion.

However, I still think the mature thing to do in this kind of situation is to find a way to discuss one's feelings with the other guy. I reckon there are three situations to think about. The easy one is the happy ending where the feelings are reciprocated to some extent, so that the two guys do manage to become boyfriends :-). Indeed, it's possible that the other guy is also keen on that idea, and that his recent behaviour is just a clumsy attempt to move things in that direction.

The second possibility is that the other guy doesn't want to become the boyfriend of the guy with the crush, but none the less, when told about the guy's love for him handles the situation in a sensitive way. This outcome wouldn't be too bad. The provocative txt msgs and talk about the non-existent relationship would stop, because the guy would realise that this behaviour was hurtful. The revelation might temporarily limit their friendship, but mature guys should be able to deal with these situations, and eventually I'm sure that their friendship could resume in some form.

The last possibility is that the other guy doesn't want to become the boyfriend of the guy with the crush, but doesn't handle the situation in a sensitive way :-(. However some good things would also come out of this scenario. Such behaviour should be a quick cure for the attraction, because it would be unnecessarily spiteful, but the good thing is that the reader would be able to move on. Beyond that, although the friendship might be ruined, it's really not worth having the friendship of a guy that behaves insensitively in that situation. Furthermore, if the guy were to try and ridicule the guy who loved him to their wider of circle of friends, that would reflect very badly on the guy himself. The guy whose affections were spurned would very much appear as the victim of a genuinely nasty person!

So overall, I reckon that the reader somehow needs to find a way to talk to his friend about the way he feels. The alternative, where he just lets his feelings fester, is likely to prove quite unhealthy in the long run.

By chance, the day after I received this email I was meeting fellow bloggers LWW and HBH. Over dinner, I discussed this reader's situation with them, and they both volunteered to write responses. LWW's reply was as follows:

Hmmm. I'm not sure I buy the distressed 18 year old Catholic schoolboy with a crush angle. Given the widely publicised problem of sexual conduct of priests with children, I would guess that the reader's openness would be a significant problem for the school. The thirty-something affair also lends an air of a gay Mills and Boon story.

Whatever the reader's true situation, this much may be helpful to any young person. Your actions have consequences. Most romantic trysts when we are young do not last. They can be enormous fun and a vital part of your voyage of discovery but be prepared that your infatuation may not be returned in full measure. If you decide to pursue your friend if may be wonderful or it may be a disappointment. If you decide not to pursue him you'll always wonder how it might have been. Each decision path will contain some element of suffering or loss and some might just contain love or even ecstasy.

I hope you don't take this as a very pessimistic message for it is the times of love and passion that make life sweet and worthwhile. We all have our have ups and downs so don't let the good times pass you by. Be prepared for the passing of the good times and show your past lovers the respect and care you would wish for even when they appear heartless. Enjoy the journey and have confidence that you'll make the right decision and be brave enough to learn from each encounter, no matter how it turns out.

Good luck! LWW

HBH's reply was as follows:

Dear distressed Catholic schoolboy,

I find it interesting that at 18 you have already gone through 'many successful' and a 'few unsuccessful' relationships. Eighteen is not an enormously long time to have lived so I suspect maybe what you describe as relationship could possibly be encounters?

Anyway, from what you describe about your present crisis you definitely need to present a situation where it is easiest for you both to talk about your feelings for each other.

My suggestion is to invite him out for a drink one evening (I hope good Catholic boys do indulge sometimes). You must ensure you are sobered up enough to be in control of what you ask him and where the evening could lead. Hopefully a little Dutch courage will get it out and you can have the answers you seek about his feelings.

I think the biggest challenge for you is to work up the courage to ask the question during drinks. After a few drinks you both should be at ease. Being prepared to accept that the situation can go either way is the best way to approach this. From my experience of having a crush on a boy I used to live with, I regret not having the courage to ask the question. A few situations presented themselves and I seriously lacked the courage.

Finally, I must say, if I were a film producer I’d consider this scenario having all the trappings for a good gay Catholic film.

Good luck! HBH

Do any other readers have any further thoughts about this sort of situation?