Email from a guy with a boyfriend and a 'personal trainer'

Just over three weeks ago, the following email landed in my inbox:

Dear GB,

It's curious how the things I need have a way of finding me without my looking. As in: when a friend recently forwarded me your blog.

My story is one of complete destabilization in a very short period. Late last October I was at the top of my game at work (I work in media), living comfortably (but not passionately) with my longtime partner C and our greyhound, and ready to lose a little weight. I went to my gym and asked for a personal trainer.

The desk assistant suggested I work with B, and our first meeting was very positive. We knew we could work together, had a quick rapport, and it didn't hurt that I found him very handsome. But this was business - I was there to shape up and no more, so gave it little thought.

Five minutes into our first session he asked "So, do you have kids or a wife?" "No, sadly no kids," I said. "But I do have a partner." "Oh, so we're family," he shot back, "that's cool."

This began two or three weeks of serious flirting on his part. Of course, I flirted back, thinking in part 'Well, I guess this is what you do with a gay personal trainer,' but also enjoying the heat of it all. A safe heat, I thought. One Thursday he said "Hey, you seem like you're fun. We should hang out sometime." "You're right," I said, "I am fun. Let's do it." He gave me his number. I was surprised, but gave him my number in return, honestly thinking nothing would come of it.

What came Friday was a text. And a call. We agreed to meet next weekend to visit a friend's art opening. Lots of time in the car there and back, we talked. Mostly him, telling me nearly anything about his life. "You hungry?" he asked as we neared home. Dinner, a walk to his car, and a handshake ended the night.

Fast forward two more weeks and we're seriously dating. Kissing deep when and where we can, he talks freely of "...when you meet my brother..." or "...one of these days I'm going to kidnap you." It's hot and it's fast and it's passion, and it's all potential.

It's also a problem, for me and my partner C. Over 15 years C and I have knit our lives together in every manner...except one. "Bed death" a friend calls it. The physical desire we shared seems gone. And while it's more, B and I are now sharing the one thing I don't have anywhere else. I wonder if B is one of those things that I need that have just found me. I feel vital, and I feel guilty.

After the second date I broke down at the dinner table, confessing what was happening and my total confusion about it all. C smiled. "Any day you're not happy is a wasted day," he said as I sniffled. "You're the best boyfriend in the world." I laughed. Then: "you've got a voice inside you, and you've got to listen to it." It was not what I was expecting, but I took it as license to continue.

December brings more heated talk of sex between B and I, but often one or the other is away. His texts (I've saved the best ones) still make me dizzy.

During this time, my advocates at work are replaced with adversaries, and I rapidly go from being lead go-to guy to being largely put in a corner. This deflation of worth is only amplified by my partner and I having to handle a greyhound in fast decline. My pain at work is nothing compared to her growing discomfort, and eventually we realize, five days before Christmas, that we have to put her to sleep. (I'm told I write movingly about it at my private blog.)

Her end comes at what feels like the ending of a career and, maybe, even a partnership - but also soon on with a first night at B's. The first night of passion is followed the next night (New Year's Eve) by celebrating with his parents at their house - and another night together. Which is followed by a day and night at his brother's place watching movies, drinking beer...and another night of combustible sex. Friday morning he rolls over and says, "So, what's it like to be kidnapped?"

To be clear: it's not just the sex. Really. I've had sex with a few others while with C, and always for me it only means something if I have an emotional bond with my sex partner. Anonymous sex just ain't my bag. And B isn't anonymous; I know more about him in two months (it seems) than many of my friends for years. In this time, we are the definition of intense.

While it seems in early January that we're off to the races (I continue to see him, even now, as my trainer), as the month closes it's clear something is wrong. The night of Feb 2nd we talk on the phone.

"I don't want this to be a break-up call," B says. My brain freezes. The only thing I can hear now is BREAKUP. The conversation goes poorly, and we don't know where to end. He begs me to remain in some contact with him. "Even if it's just to train, I'll take any crumbs." Crumbs? You're the one breaking up with me - and breaking my heart in the process. I confess through tears that I love him; a four-letter word for B that I know will probably panic him. I say it anyway. I've meant to for a while.

The next day I call in sick, shattered. My role at work is shriveling; my beloved greyhound is dead. My understanding partner is much less so, angry with me and uncertain of what we will become. And now this sudden passion, this man my heart loves, is leaving. Believe it or not, I go to the gym at 3pm anyway for our session.

We ask how each other are. "OK," he says, "I didn't sleep too well. Probably deserve it." That's all we say on the matter. Later I text - we need some face time, I'm not sure what has happened. He agrees. "was good 2 c u" he texts. I cry again.

Over dinner a few days later we decide we didn't mean to break up, but that he needs time and space to work through lingering issues and hurts from one or two previous relationships. Ten years my junior (I'm 44) he says he doesn't know what love is, thinks he's done wrong by one of his formers, and needs to know that the next time he falls in love it will be forever. He asks me to be patient, knowing that it may take months for him to come back - if he comes back at all.

The past month has seen continued declining fortunes at work and continued uncertainty with my longtime partner - although with tensions considerably reduced. Interaction with B is limited near exclusively to the gym: we say we'll get together for a beer but don't.

I don't know which is worse: the fear that a primary life friendship with my partner C is just that, a friendship and not a romance, or hoping against fear that B and I may actually have a future despite signs that suggest otherwise. I do know that living with both unknowns is the most vulnerable, unsettled feeling I've ever experienced.

So this is why I needed to find your blog. I've known I'm not the only one with struggles like these, but never really got it until I spent time with your writing...and that of your readers. I don't feel any better, less lonely, or any different frankly. I do see, however, that I'm not so unique.

I'd ask your advice, but... Well, but nothing. I'll ask: do you have any thoughts for me?

After my first reading of this reader's exceptionally well written email I felt overwhelmed. Just like the poor guy himself, no doubt, because he's suddenly got so many difficult issues in his life. So I sent him an immediate reply, telling him that since it would be a few weeks until I'd be able to post his email, I thought he should get a counselor so that he could start work on everything immediately. Within a day I got his reply:

I'm a step ahead of you. Already have a counselor, a good one. And you're right, his services right now are essential. The other day, in fact, I was discussing with him having to stop, so I could save up cash for an expected move-out. "I can't let you do that," he said. "It would be unethical for me to let you go." So at least I've got that.

Thanks for providing the platform you do, and for your words of counsel. It's clear you're a good man, and I think your blog provides an important voice out there.

It strikes me that this reader has hit a classic mid-life crisis. There's nothing to be ashamed of there, it happens to lots of guys when the natural path from school to college to job and boyfriend peters out, and with potentially more than half one's life left the next step is unclear. Indeed, long time readers here will know that it happened to me too, in connection with ex-boyfriend S.

One puzzling thing here is the originally blasé attitude of C, his boyfriend of 15 years. I can't help wondering whether C is unhappy with their relationship, and might already be prepared to see it end, especially if he doesn't need to take the blame for it ending. Indeed, perhaps he's so relaxed about the situation because he has another lover? If nothing else, C's reaction proves that their current relationship has to change. Even if C doesn't mind having an open relationship with the reader, the possibility of a split after 15 years should have provoked a much stronger reaction. To put it another way, a relationship which can be dissolved so easily isn't much of a relationship anyway!

It's possible that work has turned slightly sour for the reader because of the problems in his personal life, which might be causing him to under-perform somehow. In many jobs, one's only as good as the last project that one worked on, so if a project is badly received by one's colleagues it can it can easily put one out of favour. Of course, work can have a detrimental effect on one's personal life too, but one's boyfriend, friends and family have to be more important than one's work, so my recommendation would be to come to some kind of resolution of those issues first before worrying about work. Indeed, the confidence which the reader should gain if he is able to resolve the issues in his personal life could well help him get back on top of his work again.

The "bed death" phrase is a good one and it's an unsatisfactory situation. If that happens to a couple of guys in a relationship, if their relationship is healthy they should eventually realise that they need to discuss it, and either try and re-invigorate their sex life, open up their relationship, or separate. So without that interaction between the reader and his boyfriend C, I reckon that something like the reader's current crisis was always going to happen eventually. In that sense, there's nothing special about the 'personal trainer' B, he just happens to be the guy that's triggered what would always have happened anyway.

I find it hard to tell from the reader's description of the break-up what B's intentions really were, but it doesn't sound like their relationship is going anywhere. From the reader's description of the current situation between him and B, I reckon that it'll be hard to re-ignite their combustible passion. Even so the reader has much to thank B for, because he's been the catalyst for the reader to realise that there are unspoken issues in his relationship with his boyfriend C that need to be resolved one way or the other. On top of that, B's also proved to the reader that he's still a very marketable commodity, should he need to find another boyfriend at some point.

So I reckon that the fundamental issue that needs focus is the reader's relationship with C. There are issues there that need to be resolved, one way or the other. Indeed, the resolution of the issues in his existing relationship should naturally point the way in terms of resolving all the other issues. And regarding B, it could well be that he won't be very important going forward.

Do any other readers have any thoughts in this situation?