Email from a closeted Asian gay guy

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I found your blog just today while trying to find out about gym etiquette (just generally; wanted to know if gay men act a certain way). It was also my first time reading about cruising and these other activities that happen in the gym. I'm quite surprised as I'm very conservative and come from a culture where even public displays of affection by heterosexual couples are not allowed, so homosexuality is not even spoken of. That makes me wonder actually whether a lot of men where I come from grow up and force and impose upon themselves a normal family life based on the cultural and religious expectations or obligations. How tragic their lives must be and the more I think about it the more I am fearing for my life.

It is not easy for me. I am in my mid 20s and have been in London for a few years. I'm a closet, but for the most part of two decades I was in denial. I am a virgin. I am also one of those 'idealist' thinkers who pivot around the ideas of emotions (and long term relationships) as opposed to being sexually motivated. Don't get me wrong, I am not putting any labels on anyone but just myself, because growing up in a conservative society that was probably why I turned out this way - emotional longing before sexual needs. Sadly I have never been able to experience either.

I had been in denial so much that even surfing about gay material now evokes a feeling of insecurity, guilt and fear to the point I am looking over my shoulders to check if anybody is looking, even in the comforts of my empty bedroom. Even typing out this e-mail now, I am making some changes so that I may appear as anonymous as possible (but how more anonymous can I get over the Internet?). Yes that is the kind of fear that dwells inside me.

There is always a balance for everything; two sides to a coin. So for the fear that haunts me, there is also an equal intense feeling of longing. I am slowly coming to terms with being gay now but I doubt I can ever come out of the closet especially with the people I already know. It would certainly break their hearts (no matter how much people would argue that they would understand) - I'd rather not break their hearts, I really don't. People have belief systems in lives that could shatter in a little moment and I don't want to be that moment.

Putting all the emotional downpour aside (please excuse me for that), I was wondering if you could give me some advice GB. I don't know where to start. I am Asian. I don't know anyone gay, I don't plan to visit a support group. I don't drink so I wouldn't go in a gay bar. I actually am ironically homophobic in a sense that I find myself not attracted to gays who flaunt it and act a bit lady-like. How hard is it to find an older gay partner who acts very straight? What I can tell you is that I feel an intense attraction to mature men (40s and 50s). Does that make my situation even harder? It would be a dream come true to meet a serious mature man who equally longs for mutual company.

What are my chances here in London GB? Given my personality and expectations. I guess on the physical side I should fair off fine since I go to the gym everyday - just to put that into account. What do I do?

I am running out of time. I am going home soon (for good) but I have a tiny chance of staying here, although I will have to fight very very hard for it. Unless I find something, a tiny bit of hope, then I wouldn't be able to find the strength to make a fight and stay here in London. The journey home is imminent and I might just be one of those men who submit to a 'normal life' and grow old wondering.

Best regards

I felt a bit sorry for this reader, because if he does have to go back to his home country it sounds like it's going to be impossible for him to find himself a nice boyfriend, which is what he seems to want. So immediately I sent him an encouraging reply:

Dear reader,

Thanks very much for writing to me :-). I know a lot of Asian gay guys, so I do understand what you're talking about.

Let me reassure you that as a gay guy in your mid 20's you've got plenty of time to find a boyfriend for a long term relationship. Let me also reassure you that there are also plenty of mature gay guys who like younger Asian guys, so that should work too. One way to find them is via groups such as the Long Yang club. However, you really must avoid going back home. Or if you have to go back home, find a way to come back to London. Perhaps you've been a student here, and perhaps you'd now qualify for the skilled migrant points based work visa?

Usually the first step in terms of coming out is the hardest, and the hardest by a very long way too. Don't get me wrong, there are more hard steps to take, but it does get easier. Just as long as you stay on the path that you've just stepped onto, I'm sure that eventually you'll find happiness.

All the best for now, GB xxx

Within a days I'd received a reply from him:

Hey GB,

Thank you for writing back so promptly. As you and many other readers know, closets (well, every human being in general) regularly have bouts of world-detachment or feelings of anxiety and depression. I am in one right now. I appreciate your advice on the LYC but I might not be ready for that now yet. I was however thinking of going to London Friend Turning Point. I'm debating whether or not I should go now, because this is the most difficult time for us students. Should I let these feelings sit on my conscience for just a little longer or should I start untangling them while balancing out my other obligations.

But don't worry, if there is a strong enough wind on a person's back, it'll take him somewhere.

Regards,

I sent him a reply to say that I thought that London Friend Turning Point was a good idea. Indeed, having come out to himself and now to me via email, going to meet other gay guys face to face in a supportive environment is a good idea for his next step.

In terms of his original query about gym etiquette, one of my earliest posts is titled 'How gay men cruise gym saunas and steam rooms'. I still think it's a good post, and indeed, applies to locker room etiquette in general.

He's probably right that some gay guys in his home country force themselves into a straight lifestyle. However, now that he's come out to himself, he doesn't have to be one of them. It really doesn't matter that he's still a virgin and hasn't had any physical contact with another gay guy yet. When he starts making friends with other gay guys, he'll naturally lose his virginity when the time is right for him.

The biggest thing he has to do is to overcome his fear of being gay. The natural cure for that is to venture out slowly into gay London. For example, he can go to gay bars even if he doesn't drink alcohol. For example, I think Ku-bar in Chinatown and Kudos in Adelaide Street are popular with Asian guys and guys who like Asian guys. Given how hard he finds it to accept that he's gay, it would do him good just to walk into such a bar, even if he walks straight out again!

Of course, I also recommend using web sites like gaydar to meet other gay guys. He should feel comfortable doing that because he can do that from the privacy of his own bedroom. Since he's Asian, perhaps he should also try fridae. Even though most of the guys who're on fridae are based in Asia, it's also used by Asian guys elsewhere, and by extension by guys elsewhere who're looking for Asian guys. There are many different types of gay guys, so it really doesn't matter that he doesn't like the overtly feminine type of gay guy, he should just say that in his online profile. However, I reckon it's better to specify that he's looking for 'masculine' guys rather than using the term 'straight-acting'.

So if he can stay in London, or indeed move to live in any of the main gay cities around the world, then I think he's got an excellent chance of finding happiness. Does anyone else have any other ideas for this reader?