Sunday, May 03, 2009

Email from a guy who wants to lose his virginity

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've just discovered your great blog while searching for advice on gay virginity.

I've also e-mailed GMFA about this, but I thought I'd try you as well as you seem really sorted with a great positive outlook on life. (I can only dream about multiple boyfs!)

I'm a 30yo gay guy who has slowly come to terms with being gay. I'm out to family and friends, and a few people at work (as it's on facebook I suspect everyone knows now.)

However I am still a virgin. For a long time I've had low self esteem about being gay and felt very low. The irony is that I love meeting people and I'm outgoing, intelligent and fun in person. It's only when I'm on my own that I get down / obsessed with these things.

I'm quite stocky, but I think I'm quite well endowed and not in bad shape. I've lost a stone in the last year so feeling good. I have a science degree and I think I'm reasonably attractive.

My sexual experience consists of a 'boyfriend' at university who I didn't feel comfortable with, and couldn't perform with, and some fumbles with a stranger since.

What do you think is the best way to lose my virginity? I've had a few ideas:
  1. Random guy on gaydar
  2. Random guy in bars / clubs
  3. 'Advertise' my virginity on gaydar or somewhere (this one is a bit of a turn on but not sure what sort of guys I might attract!)
  4. Escort - I found some good ones in Gay Times
  5. Wait until I find someone really nice and special as a boyfriend who I can really trust and relax with. Downside is this is likely to take a long time!
I'm very horny most of the time. I get slightly obsessed with this, and the thought of doing something about it is alternately scary and exciting. I have any number of wild fantasies to try out (I have a terribly overactive imagination).

I also worry that I may not be able to relax enough to be any fun / perform, which is why spelling out what I'm after on gaydar or using an escort appeals. I really want relaxed, fun sex.

I really am going towards just 'getting it over with' now and losing my virginity so I can move on with my life. Your blog reinforced this.

I feel somewhat constrained by what friends and family will think if I start sleeping around, although I have reassured my parents that I'll always play safe whatever I do.

I think I have quite a high sex drive, and as a gay guy I really want to reject society's rules about these things and have fun.

I am starting to feel more confident about life recently. My friends are all straight and have moved away or got coupled up so I don't see them often. I don't socialise regularly enough with work colleagues either.

Where I live there is no scene which doesn't help. Anyway I finally got frustrated enough to do something about this. I've decided to move to London and I'm looking for a flatshare. I want to move in with a few like minded gay guys to make friends and have fun. I really want to go out, and go mad on the town with a bunch of guys before I'm too old! I feel like if I don't do all this now I never will, and I don't feel like settling down. I've also signed up to some gay social groups and e-mailed some guys I found online about meeting up (as friends (or more!)).

What do you think? Just setting this down in an e-mail helps a little, as I can see all the issues. I've always thought I was a bit screwed up, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's just all that built up sexual tension!


He sounded like a guy who'd had a bit of a rough time accepting that he's gay, but the email had a great positive tone to it that made me think that he'd managed to put most of his issues behind him. So I sent him an immediate reply, asking him a question, and also suggesting another possibility for his main query:

When you say that you want to lose your virginity, do you mean that you want to have anal sex with another guy, or do you mean that you're after any kind of sexual activity where both guys end up coming? Some people narrowly define "gay sex" as "anal sex", but I myself take the broader view.

Also, there's another way of losing your virginity that you haven't listed, although it might not be a good idea in your case. You could visit somewhere like Chariots sauna in London! Of course, even if you do visit a place like that, it doesn't commit you to do anything, you could just wander around and see what goes on :-).

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. All the best for now, GB xxx

Within a day I received his reply:

Thanks for the quick response (you beat GMFA which impresses me!).

Things actually moved on since I sent this, I finally got the guts to start using Gaydar properly and was chatting to a younger guy who messaged me. He seemed keen and we were going to meet but he changed his mind this morning. (morning after syndrome). Also found a few other guys in the area. Messaged a gay couple my age looking for threesomes. I think I'm possibly a bit too honest for gaydar though and still learning the etiquette, any tips ;O)? Anyway it's given me a big boost.

To clarify, I don't just mean anal sex, any kind will do. (I'd like to be versatile but I'll see what I like!). Thanks for the tip about the Saunas. Your blog was interesting in that it mentioned younger / inexperienced guys going through a 'voyeur' phase. I definitely felt like that when I found some guys having sex in the bushes at pride a few years ago, it was great (but unfortunately a friend found it disgusting and dragged me off.). Watching in a Sauna might loosen me up in the same way....

Thanks again.

When I received that reply, this reader's original email was still only 3rd in my queue of "Dear GB" emails to be answered, so I didn't feel the need to send an immediate response. However, a about a week later the reader sent me another email, telling me about even more recent experiences.

I felt that queries at the end about his email, wondering about the decrease in his sex drive for wanking and wondering whether I myself might be able to help him unwind in bed did need an immediate response. So I sent him a reply to remind him that I only meet established bloggers, and telling him not to worry too much about his sex drive. I soon got a brief response which confirmed my thoughts that his sex drive wasn't going to be a problem!

The most recent email that I received from him was last weekend. Having read all this reader's emails in detail, my immediate thoughts are that he doesn't need any help at all, IF he can stay on his current path. Indeed, at present with his current high confidence levels, he's working very efficiently as his own analyst! He's got an excellent handle on all his issues, namely that he's a bit of a worrier which leads him to become self-absorbed, which in turn has caused him confidence and self image problems in the past. The fact that he's been able to analyse his situation proves that he's highly intelligent too. As an aside, it's interesting to see how helpful and cathartic it can be for people to put their problems down in emails, because I'm sure that's played some part in this reader's recent progress.

Anyway, my first thoughts are that this reader needs to be aware that his confidence and related happiness won't go on increasing forever. Hopefully they'll plateau at what one might call 'normal' levels, given that for much of his recent past they've been significantly below the levels of a normal person (if such a thing exists)! Another related thought is that too many simultaneous changes can be destabilising so perhaps he even needs to slow down a bit, and try and consolidate the improvements that he's recently been enjoying.

Regarding the main query about his virginity, since he does get anxious about things I think it would help if he can find a nice guy to have a bit of simple fun with. Although he needs to slow down a bit, I still think that he needs to lose his virginity sooner rather than later. The only person that virginity matters to is the person themselves, however no one can properly understand that until they've lost it! In spite of his increase in confidence, his recent emails contain an element of avoiding the virginity issue, and the longer this persists the more time he's got to worry and become more and more anxious about it.

I don't think an escort is a particularly good idea though, because that will bring it's own set of anxieties. In an early email he asked about gaydar etiquette, and I also note that a couple of meetings with guys that had been arranged were subsequently cancelled. Were the cancellations just down to the other guy, or did the reader get cold feet and give off the wrong vibes in subsequent communications? In any case, my experience is very much that hook-ups that don't happen immediately are always much less likely to happen the further forward in time that they're scheduled for. So I think that the reader should choose option 1 from his original list, namely a random guy from gaydar, but press assertively (not aggressively) for an immediate liaison. That way, the amount of time that the reader has to become anxious about the meeting will be minimised. And if he does start to worry, he just needs to remember that it's only a couple of guys ejaculating with each other, it really is no big deal!

In the last section of his final email, he wonders about what he calls some "minor sexual things that don't really matter but [he's] ashamed of them and [has] never told anyone". I'm sure that they don't matter too, but whatever they are, if he's ashamed of them that means that to some extent they do matter to him. He's welcome to send me an email about them, or as he suggests, discuss them with a counselling service like London friend. But as long as he continues to be ashamed of them, I think he should do something to cure his associated guilt.

Lastly, recognising how helpful it was to send me the emails, he says in one of them that he might start a diary. I'd agree, but with one minor alteration. Make it an online diary instead and start a blog, because the therapeutic benefits of blogging really can't be underestimated!

Do any other readers have any other thoughts for this reader?


Godfrey said...

I just want to say that I found a lot I can relate to in this entry. Also a virgin at 24, I know how he feels about being worried about being able to perform etc. I'm slowly trying to find a nice guy that I can be comfortable with and take things slowly, and this post is correct when it says that that will require much more time, as I have not yet found anyone for more than a date here and there. I think this reader knows what he wants to do and won't be holding on to his v-card for much longer.

Anonymous said...

The funny thing about virginity is that once you've 'done it' a few times you start to wonder why you didn't just do it in the first place.

I'd suggest finding someone online (or in a sauna or similar) who just wants to have a wank. That way there's no pressure for a more demanding performance.

Baby steps.

For myself, after one real-life 'experience' there was no stopping me :-)

Mike said...

I 'came out' at 30. Though not a virgin it wasn't easy to get into regular, safe casual sex. As Nine wrote; I never looked back. It just took time to decide to just do it.

Suffering from a lack of confidence too I wouldn't recommend a sauna. I used gaydar, and would suggest he finds a nice guy online; takes it slow for a long fun meet; and enjoys himself whatever he gets up to - and not to have a list of activities to cross off; do what feels right so he always thinks fondly of his first time whatever it involves.

Jay said...

Let me start off by saying starting a blog is a great idea. I started mine at the suggestion of a gay friend. The first guy i came out to and havent looked back.

As for the whole sex thing, I come from a religious family and was always too scared to actually do anything, like go out to gay places in public etc. So everything for me began as an online thing. 'Meeting' people on facebook. I moved to New York and here I am. I lost my virginity here to a guy i met on facebook who was visiting NYC. And of course, i wondered why on earth i'd waited this long to do it. Now that i'm here i'm more comfortable doing things that i'd never had the guts to back home. I go out to gay bars, clubs, meet new people and yeah hook up. It's something I never thought i'd do but it just seems so normal. Even had somewhat of a boyfriend for a while so my advice to your friend is expect the unexpected.

While I sit here looking for work (possibly in a field similar to yours btw ;) ) i'm enjoying life, enjoying exploring the gay world (and blogging about it), and watching my savings drain at the same time.

It may have only been a few months since my first experience, but my eyes have really been opened to another world that exists and i'm glad to be a part of it. The next step would be to actually come out...


Anonymous said...

I don't think needs much help to be honest, just a little nudge for him to summon the courage to actually meet a guy who is also looking for a one-off, and if he cannot find one in London, my god, he wouldn't find it elsewhere.

Not a sauna-goer myself and although going to the sauna might be a little full-on for a first-timer, it's not at all a bad idea.

And sender, stop worrying about your age. That might be one thing that drives your off-putting pushiness on Gaydar. 30 is a baby.

Anonymous said...

It's just step one in the whole gay experience. Wait till you get to Step 10, where you get to dance naked on a podium in front of a sea of adoring fans.

Oh, wait, is that just my fantasy?

I used to be terrified of the idea of gay pubs and clubs (a very long time ago) but now they seem as natural and 'normal' as anything else. And yes, I do dance on podiums, but not naked :-)

Oh, and my point! London's actually a great town to be gay in, but also a great town to be gay 'at any age'. Some places are very 'youth, youth, youth', whereas London seems a lot more laid back and you can definite age disgracefully.

David said...

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought lately and it would be interesting to look at the what are the effects of being out and loosing virginity at an early age as opposed to loosing it much later on in life. I always had this perception that gays who lost their viginity at a younger age tend to allow themselves to be recruited into typically gay groups (dont know if that even exists but what I mean is a group of friends with similar interests ex. fashion gym dancers...). Those who come out later in their lives always are sort of on the sidelines of the the gay cliques. Tell me if im wrong... im still very young myself and this is how I feel.

tick all the boxes said...

Hey just found you blog (surprising what google spits out).. and am curious what happened to your old work colleague W with regards to his redundancy... Have there been any at your work place. I am a now a unemployed banker too - have look at my musings if you have a moment -

Will you be doing any more posts re: unemployment in the City?


Anonymous said...

hi, i'm form chile i liked your post, feel free to add me and chat a while

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the guy who wants to 'lose his virginity' should hook up with the guy who is 'curious about gay sex' and hey presto all fine and dandy... and you my dear mr banker have a new career as a dating agency ;-) and then we won't need posts about redunduncies in the city' yawn...


Anonymous said...

My experience has shown the best way to loose one's virginity is to be in the SAME bed with a MAN, both being NAKED, and somehow, magically your body takes over for you. This will work even if you are partially brain dead. Dragonflys, with rather small brains, have no difficulty in screwing. I think this validates my point that don't overthink sex for God's sake, just do it.