Email from a guy who wants to lose his virginity

A few weeks ago, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've just discovered your great blog while searching for advice on gay virginity.

I've also e-mailed GMFA about this, but I thought I'd try you as well as you seem really sorted with a great positive outlook on life. (I can only dream about multiple boyfs!)

I'm a 30yo gay guy who has slowly come to terms with being gay. I'm out to family and friends, and a few people at work (as it's on facebook I suspect everyone knows now.)

However I am still a virgin. For a long time I've had low self esteem about being gay and felt very low. The irony is that I love meeting people and I'm outgoing, intelligent and fun in person. It's only when I'm on my own that I get down / obsessed with these things.

I'm quite stocky, but I think I'm quite well endowed and not in bad shape. I've lost a stone in the last year so feeling good. I have a science degree and I think I'm reasonably attractive.

My sexual experience consists of a 'boyfriend' at university who I didn't feel comfortable with, and couldn't perform with, and some fumbles with a stranger since.

What do you think is the best way to lose my virginity? I've had a few ideas:

1. Random guy on gaydar
2. Random guy in bars / clubs
3. 'Advertise' my virginity on gaydar or somewhere (this one is a bit of a turn on but not sure what sort of guys I might attract!)
4. Escort - I found some good ones in Gay Times
5. Wait until I find someone really nice and special as a boyfriend who I can really trust and relax with. Downside is this is likely to take a long time!

I'm very horny most of the time. I get slightly obsessed with this, and the thought of doing something about it is alternately scary and exciting. I have any number of wild fantasies to try out (I have a terribly overactive imagination).

I also worry that I may not be able to relax enough to be any fun / perform, which is why spelling out what I'm after on gaydar or using an escort appeals. I really want relaxed, fun sex.

I really am going towards just 'getting it over with' now and losing my virginity so I can move on with my life. Your blog reinforced this.

I feel somewhat constrained by what friends and family will think if I start sleeping around, although I have reassured my parents that I'll always play safe whatever I do.

I think I have quite a high sex drive, and as a gay guy I really want to reject society's rules about these things and have fun.

I am starting to feel more confident about life recently. My friends are all straight and have moved away or got coupled up so I don't see them often. I don't socialise regularly enough with work colleagues either.

Where I live there is no scene which doesn't help. Anyway I finally got frustrated enough to do something about this. I've decided to move to London and I'm looking for a flatshare. I want to move in with a few like minded gay guys to make friends and have fun. I really want to go out, and go mad on the town with a bunch of guys before I'm too old! I feel like if I don't do all this now I never will, and I don't feel like settling down. I've also signed up to some gay social groups and e-mailed some guys I found online about meeting up (as friends (or more!)).

What do you think? Just setting this down in an e-mail helps a little, as I can see all the issues. I've always thought I was a bit screwed up, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's just all that built up sexual tension!

Thanks

He sounded like a guy who'd had a bit of a rough time accepting that he's gay, but the email had a great positive tone to it that made me think that he'd managed to put most of his issues behind him. So I sent him an immediate reply, asking him a question, and also suggesting another possibility for his main query:

When you say that you want to lose your virginity, do you mean that you want to have anal sex with another guy, or do you mean that you're after any kind of sexual activity where both guys end up coming? Some people narrowly define "gay sex" as "anal sex", but I myself take the broader view.

Also, there's another way of losing your virginity that you haven't listed, although it might not be a good idea in your case. You could visit somewhere like Chariots sauna in London! Of course, even if you do visit a place like that, it doesn't commit you to do anything, you could just wander around and see what goes on :-).

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. All the best for now, GB xxx

Within a day I received his reply:

Thanks for the quick response (you beat GMFA which impresses me!).

Things actually moved on since I sent this, I finally got the guts to start using Gaydar properly and was chatting to a younger guy who messaged me. He seemed keen and we were going to meet but he changed his mind this morning. (morning after syndrome). Also found a few other guys in the area. Messaged a gay couple my age looking for threesomes. I think I'm possibly a bit too honest for gaydar though and still learning the etiquette, any tips ;O)? Anyway it's given me a big boost.

To clarify, I don't just mean anal sex, any kind will do. (I'd like to be versatile but I'll see what I like!). Thanks for the tip about the Saunas. Your blog was interesting in that it mentioned younger / inexperienced guys going through a 'voyeur' phase. I definitely felt like that when I found some guys having sex in the bushes at pride a few years ago, it was great (but unfortunately a friend found it disgusting and dragged me off.). Watching in a Sauna might loosen me up in the same way....

Thanks again.

When I received that reply, this reader's original email was still only 3rd in my queue of "Dear GB" emails to be answered, so I didn't feel the need to send an immediate response. However, a about a week later the reader sent me another email, telling me about even more recent experiences.

Dear GB,

Hope you are well. Things have moved on quite a bit since my last e-mail to you and I wanted to update you, and ask what you think.

Firstly you blog has been an inspiration, I've found loads of great stuff there. It's great to hear from someone who's really happy being gay.

The day after I e-mailed you my frustration finally boiled over and I started using gaydar, outeverywhere and gumtree. I sent a few messages and discovered there were lots of gay guys in my local area which gave me a boost. I got talking to a guy I knew from my schooldays. The best part was when a much younger guy starting messaging me. He was a top and was keen to meet for sex, I was nervous but excited. He was making a lot of the moves and pushing to meet but I was more interested in getting to know each other and chatting for a while. I admitted I was a virgin which he was fine with. Anyway, we chatted a lot and he seemed to like me and I made him lol a lot. Eventually we decided to go slow and meet for a drink first, before going somewhere for fun if things worked out. Eventually we exchanged rude pics (which I've never done) and I said I had to go to bed. I was exhausted but happy, although excited rather than turned on. The next day he sent a message saying he thought we should go slow as it might be a serious relationship. He then called it all off a while later, saying it was 'nothing personal' and he couldn't meet up. I assume he has his own issues and may be coming out. Funnily enough I didn't mind as it was a huge boost to my confidence knowing that guys liked me.

After that I started e-mailing another guy who was looking for friends to socialise with, and we've arranged to meet for drinks this week. I also signed up to a gay social group and we met last weekend. This taught me a huge amount about myself and what I like. I did this sort of thing years ago at university but had forgotten what it felt like, and I don't think I was ready for it then.

I was quite nervous as I thought they would all be much older. They mostly were, but I had a great time. Hanging out with guy guys like that felt like coming home. The conversation flowed and I felt totally at ease, like I'd known them ages. I even managed to flirt shamelessly for a bit with one guy I liked. It taught me a lot about what I really like. I have just read One More Nine's response to your posting on where to meet guys, and I agree with his comment about meeting guys in person in bars etc being better for some.

I remember having this feeling occasionally in the past when I've got close to guys I've really liked. It was always there when I shared with close straight friends in hotel rooms, which was difficult! (although they never knew.) I got compliments on my body and things I said, and it gave me a huge boost having the confidence to meet up with people like that. I've always loved meeting people and I'm normally outgoing but when I get down all that goes out of the window. It felt great to have my confidence back. It all chimes with what you said about the confidence mirror.

After that I went out round town and checked out a few gay bars. I felt great wandering round checking out guys. I can see you were right about how guys check each other out, it's all in the eyes and where they look!

I thought about chatting guys up in bars but eventually plucked up the courage to try a Sauna as you suggested. It was nice to be able to hang out with other naked guys and look at them. However I wasn't really turned on and nothing happened. It left me a bit cold, it was too impersonal. I definitely feel more comfortable meeting guys and getting to know them a bit first.

After that I went to a bar, got talking to the staff and a couple of customers. I didn't have the nerve to really try to pick anyone up and had to go home, but again it did my confidence good. I've done that sort of thing in the past, I'll definitely keep it up as it seems to work for me.

Life feels much better and more exciting now. I'm feeling physically better too, walking tall. I have slain a lot of my demons in the last week or so. I am really looking forward to the future in a way I haven't in a long time, and I have something to get up for in the mornings! Whilst I know life was generally ok before and I've got some fantastic straight friends and family, it just wasn't enough and I was very frustrated. I felt tired and frustrated much of the time, and was very neurotic. Now I can envision a much brighter future, embracing the gay lifestyle,coming out at work more etc. I feel motivated to look after myself more, I've started exercising and making an effort with my hair etc, for the boys! It's also confirmed I'm not ready to settle down. I'm still young and I want a lot more nights out on the town yet.

I think I finally realise what it means when guys say they are 'sorted' on gaydar. I feel as if I'm embracing my gay life with open arms, instead of being half out. I know more about what I want and about myself. Unfortunately this is likely to mean seeing less of my straight friends, but they have their own lives now and I have to put my own happiness first!

The only thing that slightly bothers me is that my libido has actually gone down! I used to wank myself to sleep after porn every night, but I've lost my enthusiasm since all this started. Either I'm too tired as a result of all this excitement, or something has changed. It may be that all the sexual frustration I built up was being expressed through wank-a-thons and porn. I used to go to sleep feeling quite down a lot of the time, wanking was one way to get round it. Now that seems less significant, and I find porn much less exciting. Is this normal? Maybe now I have the possiblity of meeting guys for real I have an emotional outlet for my sexual urges instead. Hopefully it will all come back when I have sex. I think there is a lot to be said for meaningful emotional/social connections with people.

What I want now is to meet someone who I can trust and have fun with, who I get on well enough with to relax and let things happen in bed (anxiety is a big passion killer and I have suffered a lot in the past.)

I know still have to resist some old habits and negative thinking but I am confident I can do it now.

Looking forward to your final response to all this. Thanks again

(PS if you know anyone who'd be up for helping me unwind in bed let me know. Would love to meet you, but I accept that's not on!)

I felt that queries at the end about his email, wondering about the decrease in his sex drive for wanking and wondering whether I myself might be able to help him unwind in bed did need an immediate response. So I sent him a reply to remind him that I only meet established bloggers, and telling him not to worry too much about his sex drive.

I actually think it's a good sign that you're wanking less. It means that your focussing more on your social and sex life with other guys, rather than being insular and closeted and hence needing to sort yourself out all the time. So it's probably not so much that your libido has gone down, it's more that it's refocussing itself!

I soon got a brief response which confirmed my thoughts that his sex drive wasn't going to be a problem!

Yes I did see the rule about not meeting people who aren't bloggers, but I'm a cheeky sod who likes to try it on ;O)

Funnily enough I got woken up in the night by a phone call and felt really randy after that. Was pleasuring myself with a butt plug and fantasizing about some guys on gaydar. So my sex drive hasn't deserted me as you say!

The most recent email that I received from him was last weekend.

Hi again GB,

Just thought I'd give you one last update, as I see I'm next on the list of postings! ;O) Apologies if this is a bit rambling. I've realised there's a lot more going on in my life and past that's had a bearing on all this (setting it down and thinking about it is like therapy - I may start keeping a diary!)

Firstly, I met one of the guy's I've been e-mailing for lunch. I didn't get an immediate emotional connection with him, but I think I get rather overexcited and nervous before these things. I tend to fantasise about them and build them up (or down) in my mind. We'd only planned to meet as friends anyway so that's fine.

Anyway, we seemed to get on reasonably well. He has an on-off boyf. The only thing that bothered me was that he seemed slightly tired of and cynical of the gay scene,whereas I'm looking to get back into it! He said 'all gay guys I've met were mostly promiscuous and into drugs' etc., and has done drugs quite a bit himself I think. He made me feel quite naive and inexperienced in many more ways than sex! But I think I can probably learn something about how to handle gay life from guys like him, and it is interesting to meet new people with a different perspective.

He is not around for a while but still seems keen to meet. It did feel good to be meeting another gay guy, and even better to do it in the pub near my office! I almost forgot my previous worries about who might overhear and out me, I really don't care now! This was reinforced when I went to a BBQ with straight friends and felt completely comfortable telling strangers I was gay and discussing meeting gay guys. That is a big change and very liberating.

As an aside, I have done the whole gay clubbing and drugs thing for a short while when I was a student. It was a disaster as at Gay Pride I fell in with some guys who took drugs every weekend. I didn't have the confidence to say no and thought it would widen my experience to try it. I was coming down from speed after clubbing when I visited my parents sometimes. They quickly realised something was wrong when I started acting completely out of character (I was horrible). There was a big row and I think that is a key reason why I didn't come out any more and stayed quite closeted (although friends and family all knew I was gay by that point). I think that damaged my confidence and put me off going on the gay scene, because I knew my parents would disapprove.

Things are quite different now, especially with my parents who completely accept I'm gay and we can discuss a lot of what I'm doing to meet gay guys. They are being quite encouraging which is amazing! My parents seem to have accept I have matured and trust me not to do anything stupid.

I'm also getting back into gaydar, having been a bit cynical about it. For now I don't have the confidence to go aggressively after sex, although I'd love to test out your 'something about mary effect' idea of getting together with guys after sex.

I make it clear that I'm just looking for friends but said if anything else happened over time then fine. I've arranged to meet a couple of guys for drinks, one has a thing for shorter guys which might be interesting. The other is in a gay couple who sound really good fun. They are all into sport in a big way which is different to me, but then I agree with you about gay guys needing differences as they are the same sex.

I have also started exercising more, doing situps and butt crunches, and today I went jogging for the first time! I only managed a mile but feel good. I feel much better physically now, partly this is down to the increase in my confidence. I have my head held high now, chest out (which looks good ;O) and my posture is great.

I also managed to chat briefly to some interesting gay guys on the train the other day. One of them gave me a great flirty smile when he left.

So progress is being made! One of the problems with being on my own with no gay friends for so long is that you become too self absorbed. So I still get over excited / nervous about these things, and losing my virginity, but it is better.

I'm going to join as many gay sports / social groups as I can, and carry on making friends online. I figure if I throw myself into life I will be less self absorbed which is much more attractive, whilst improving my confidence, social skills and fitness!

I have listed all the activities / holidays etc I've done and one thing that came out is I love trying new things once but tend not to stick with them as hobbies, so I'll put more effort in now. It did make me realise I'm really adventurous and outtgoing really, I've just not thought of myself like that! (I've done lots of adventure sports (skydiving, hiking, kayaking, windsurfing and I'm generally up for anything.) This list will also make me look really good on my online profiles, although I'll have to be careful I don't make it sound as if I do things like adventure sports all the time!

I'mm really enjoying all this self discovery and doing new things now. I just need to ignore any thoughts that talk me out of these things and keep going.

One helpful thing I've read is that anxiety makes you really obsessive about risk and risk averse, and that you have to make an effort to really put yourself forward into situations that you're scared of. Then overcoming that will expand your comfort zone and confidence. I really believe this!

All this has also put work in perspective too. I work in a big office where I am the second youngest person, they are a fun bunch but much older and conservative, and I've thought a lot about having the confidence to go for another job and really sell myself. However I can see now that my confidence at work is going up, and that all these other changes in my life are helping. Previously I've been quite anxious at times which ruined my scheduling and work, and I've not put myself forward enough for promotions etc.So I will put more effort into my career. Once my confidence has gone up more I'll be ready to move on to another job naturally without worrying about it. Now I have more of an 'I can handle it' mentality. I can also see myself coming out at work more (I think I said before I've only told a few younger guys when drunk.)

Before you're ego gets too huge ;O) I should add that some of this has been coming for a while, I've lost a lot of weight and become healthier after I got skin cancer two years ago. I've also gained confidence at work after going to India for a month with work and doing a time management training course. That course made me realise I love meeting people and have the confidence to do it. That course and turning 30 also made me think a lot about where my life is going. What your blog has helped with is pulling a lot of this together and giving me the confidence to go out and get a gay social life, and do something about my sexual frustration. Also as part of all this I've almost given up TV which I now think is a horrible and depressing waste of time! I have spent years just sat in front of it on weekday evenings which is not healthy. It made me feel very depressed and frustrated about how little I was doing with my life. I've largely replaced TV with gaydar etc now, which is at least interactive! Hopefully soon I'll replace that with a big circle of gay friends.

The one thing I have realised in all this is that most of my problems are about anxiety, confidence and self image. Improving those tends to improve everything else. This nice weather helps too! My old self is rapidly disappearing. I'm discovering that the real me is the one who really enjoys getting out there and living life to the full. Self improvement and exercise are addictive (in a nice way).

If I do all that then I'm sure opportunities for sex will come along when I least expect it (and when I'm probably slightly drunk.)

One more thing - I came across this article on gaydar nation the other day:
Sex With First Timers. What do you think? I thought maybe the bit about guys who are too self absorbed needing a hustler might apply to me. However I still want to try normal unpaid sex first if I can! (If that doesn't work out then I'll do that.)

As I said if I have enough going on in my life I think I'll learn to stop worrying, go with the flow and enjoy life, and then sex will happen naturally (you can tell me if you think this is naive and I just need to get sex over with!:O)

Love, thanks very very much and all the best

PS writing all this has made me think a bit about other issues in my past. These mostly fall under the category of 'minor sexual things that don't really matter but I'm ashamed of them and have never told anyone', or times when I believed all the negative thoughts in my head and was very down. I suppose I'm a bit worried what gay friends / partners would think If I ever told them about them.

However as I tend to over-analyse / think too much, I'm wary about getting too deep into all this. (this is why conventional psychotherapy doesn't appeal). It may be better just to get on with life, you often find this stuff ceases to matter over time (certainly it doesn't bother me much at the moment). I've tried to keep these e-mails to more positive stuff about what's going on now and my future plans. I don't think the issues in my past are biggies, but do you think it would help to discuss it briefly with someone? (not necessarily you - that's not your role! I was thinking more of London friend or someone.)

I'm pretty certain they'll say 'that's pretty normal, you don't need to worry', but it might be nice to hear it. Also how much do you think I should tell any new gay friends about all this stuff? I don't want to scare people off, but they might have something helpful to say...

Thanks again

Having read all this reader's emails in detail, my immediate thoughts are that he doesn't need any help at all, IF he can stay on his current path. Indeed, at present with his current high confidence levels, he's working very efficiently as his own analyst! He's got an excellent handle on all his issues, namely that he's a bit of a worrier which leads him to become self-absorbed, which in turn has caused him confidence and self image problems in the past. The fact that he's been able to analyse his situation proves that he's highly intelligent too. As an aside, it's interesting to see how helpful and cathartic it can be for people to put their problems down in emails, because I'm sure that's played some part in this reader's recent progress.

Anyway, my first thoughts are that this reader needs to be aware that his confidence and related happiness won't go on increasing forever. Hopefully they'll plateau at what one might call 'normal' levels, given that for much of his recent past they've been significantly below the levels of a normal person (if such a thing exists)! Another related thought is that too many simultaneous changes can be destabilising so perhaps he even needs to slow down a bit, and try and consolidate the improvements that he's recently been enjoying.

Regarding the main query about his virginity, since he does get anxious about things I think it would help if he can find a nice guy to have a bit of simple fun with. Although he needs to slow down a bit, I still think that he needs to lose his virginity sooner rather than later. The only person that virginity matters to is the person themselves, however no one can properly understand that until they've lost it! In spite of his increase in confidence, his recent emails contain an element of avoiding the virginity issue, and the longer this persists the more time he's got to worry and become more and more anxious about it.

I don't think an escort is a particularly good idea though, because that will bring it's own set of anxieties. In an early email he asked about gaydar etiquette, and I also note that a couple of meetings with guys that had been arranged were subsequently cancelled. Were the cancellations just down to the other guy, or did the reader get cold feet and give off the wrong vibes in subsequent communications? In any case, my experience is very much that hook-ups that don't happen immediately are always much less likely to happen the further forward in time that they're scheduled for. So I think that the reader should choose option 1 from his original list, namely a random guy from gaydar, but press assertively (not aggressively) for an immediate liaison. That way, the amount of time that the reader has to become anxious about the meeting will be minimised. And if he does start to worry, he just needs to remember that it's only a couple of guys ejaculating with each other, it really is no big deal!

In the last section of his final email, he wonders about what he calls some "minor sexual things that don't really matter but [he's] ashamed of them and [has] never told anyone". I'm sure that they don't matter too, but whatever they are, if he's ashamed of them that means that to some extent they do matter to him. He's welcome to send me an email about them, or as he suggests, discuss them with a counselling service like London friend. But as long as he continues to be ashamed of them, I think he should do something to cure his associated guilt.

Lastly, recognising how helpful it was to send me the emails, he says in one of them that he might start a diary. I'd agree, but with one minor alteration. Make it an online diary instead and start a blog, because the therapeutic benefits of blogging really can't be underestimated!

Do any other readers have any other thoughts for this reader?