Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Dilemma in my personal life

There are a couple of new guys that are starting to feature in my life. One of these guys is K, who I've mentioned a couple of times in this blog (1, 2). The other guy is called L, and this is the first time that I'm mentioning him. Both K and L know something about each other's existence.

L is a very sweet guy, and he really really likes me. However, for various reasons I can't see us ever being boyfriends, and just over a week ago I told him how I felt. I told him that although we won't end up as boyfriends, we can definitely be friends, and that as far as I'm concerned we can also be "friends with benefits" as long as I don't have a boyfriend and as long as I'm not dating anyone on an exclusive basis. L was upset when I told him all this, but he appreciates my honesty, and he's happy to continue our friendship on a "with benefits" basis for now.

As I said before, I feel that I'm falling in love with K, and although I still haven't slept with him we're now talking about the possibility of dating each other on an exclusive basis in early October. I've agreed with him that before then, I can carry on indulging in activities with whoever I want. Given K's reaction when I told him that I slept with the guy M that we both met in a bar in Soho, I think that K wants to know that if he starts sleeping with me then he won't have to share me with anyone else. I can understand that, and I'm happy to go along with it. One complication is that I got to know K via some mutual friends, and for various reasons, K doesn't want them to know if we start dating seriously. Obviously if we become boyfriends then everything would be out in the open, but he'd much prefer to keep it secret to start with, because if it doesn't work out then they never need to know.

Night picture of parisIn an attempt to help keep any dating arrangement with K secret, I've now arranged a one night trip to Paris with L. I've told L that I may start dating K on an exclusive basis in early October, and he really appreciates my gesture of organising this trip on what may turn out to be the last weekend when I'm available to be his "friend with benefits". On my side, I am looking forward to spending time with L in Paris, both because he's a very nice guy and also because I love Paris. However, my original motivation for this trip was to try and create a "smokescreen" which would make it easier to date K without any of our mutual friends finding out. All these mutual friends are keen users of facebook, so if I get some pics of me with another guy in Paris and post them to facebook, then they'll almost certainly see them and then never guess if I'm actually dating K.

My dilemma is, should I tell L that I have this extra motive for the trip to Paris? And if I do get some pics of me with L in Paris, should I ask his permission before posting them to facebook?


yonderbluemoon said...

I don't think you need to explain your motives for going to Paris. We all have multiple motives for what we do.

Take a simple example. If X asks Y out on a date, X may decide to go because he likes Y but also because X just wants to go out with someone somewhere because he works too hard and doesn't go out much. Does X need to explain all this to Y? I don't think so. You genuinely want to spend some time with L and make him happy. That is what really matters. I also think that telling L that he is a decoy is not going to make him feel that great, even though that is only a small part of why you are going to Paris with him.

I do think you should ask his permission before posting pictures on Facebook. After all, he is entitled to a private life too.

Anonymous said...

your making a mountain out of molehill. Sorry I cannot be more flattering. At the end of the day you and perhaps a great many if us mistaking our desire to have casual sex with very many partners.

GB said...

Your thoughts make a lot of sense, yonderbluemoon :-).

But I'm not sure that your thoughts make sense, recent anonymous commenter (whoever you are). You may well be right, that I'm "making a mountain out of a molehill", but this isn't about casual sex with many partners. Ultimately, this is about making the most of the opportunity to date this guy called K, because I like the idea of ending up as his boyfriend.

GB xxx

William said...

GB, there's something that I don't quite understand. If you really want to have a serious relationship with K, why would you want to go on a weekend rendezvous with L? I'm assuming that K knows nothing about this and you're doing it behind his back. However, have you thought of the repercussions if K does find out about this trip of yours? I just think that you're jeopardizing your chance of building something real with K by going on this trip to Paris with L.

Based on what you've said, K was obviously slightly perturbed upon finding out you had a fling with another guy. If you guys are really "officially" dating come this October, I think doing something like this behind his back, regardless of your reasons, is a bit reckless. You guys might not have had sex yet and you're sexually frustrated but perhaps K just doesn't want to rush into something that's premature. This could mean that he really likes you.

Shouldn't a new relationship be built based on good faith? I know this sounds silly because most people look at sex as being just that - sex. But if you've got a guy who likes you enough to not want to mess it up, I think you might have found yourself a keeper. Honestly, I've a feeling that your trip to Paris with L is akin to having a 'stag night' before you commit yourself to someone long term. All these reasoning of yours about smokescreens and what not, they don't really sound too convincing to me.

Now the question is this - are you ready for another long term relationship so soon after your separation from T? Are you enjoying a whole new sense of liberation now that you're free to have casual sex with anyone you fancy? At the end of the day, I'm just another reader of your blog. If you're convinced about what you're doing, then by all means go ahead. Nonetheless, do keep in mind that K might find out about this trip and he might not necessarily respond favorably. If I'm his position, I certainly wouldn't.

Good luck!

GB said...

Well argued William, however in fact I have told K about this trip to Paris with L :-). It's as I said in the post, I agreed with K that until early October I can carry on indulging in activities with whoever I want. The agreement does seem a bit strange to me, because I was prepared to give up activities with other guys when we had the discussion that produced the agreement, and I'm not entirely sure why we're waiting. Anyway, did you assume that I wouldn't tell K because that's what you would have done, LOL?

The thought about an exclusive dating commitment being too soon is another valid comment. However, since I broke up with ex-boyfriend T I've met quite a few guys, some of which I've blogged about here. Although it's not true that my relationship with ex-boyfriend T is a distant memory, sometimes I feel that it's almost like that because I've been in so many different situations with so many different guys since then! After all the random intimacy, I think I need a bit of stability in my life. Not sure if it will be K that'll end up giving me the stability, but if it does turn out to be him then at the moment I feel that it would be a good result :-).

GB xxx

Was Once said...

GB …William had good points, but if I step out what is right for me, I would say, whatever happens is meant to happen. With this in mind, if you are yourself as much as possible, the appropriate person will end up as your partner. This doesn't mean to not care about their feelings, but total honesty about what you want and how you act will naturally let the universe unfold.

William said...

Honestly, if I were in your position, I wouldn't have planned the trip to Paris. So the question of keeping it from K wouldn't have been an issue to begin with. I was prompted to respond in the first place because I had a rather similar experience a couple of years ago. My boyfriend and I were in an ambiguous state before we became official, and I told him that it was OK for him to lead a single man's life prior to us 'finalising' our status as a couple.

Well, in hindsight, that was way too immature of me. Even though I told him it was OK (and he did end up sleeping with someone else), it became an issue that was brought up repeatedly during the infancy of our relationship whenever we had fights. Obviously, that could have been avoided. I didn't want to come across as possessive back then (and there was also a little misplaced pride in me), so I agreed to the open-ended arrangement. But it proved to be a problem for us.

I'm not suggesting that K is like me; you would know him better. Sometimes guys are just a little hard to understand (now that's an understatement!), especially younger ones. They tell you one thing while expecting you to *know* exactly what they're implying. Matters of the heart are never straight forward. As such, it's up to you to decide what you think is best for a relationship that you wish to nurture.

But don't get me wrong. If going to Paris with L is what your heart desires, then who am I to tell you not to indulge? I love Paris as well!