Friday, May 11, 2007

An email about condoms and erection problems

Last weekend, I received the following email:

Dear GB,

I am a 25yo guy working for a corporate bank, and have been seeing a guy for about a month now. I haven’t got on so well with another guy for ages, and he's really made a difference since I moved to Hong Kong.

The thing is that there is a sexual issue. He can't keep his erection whenever he puts a condom on. Of course, we never even thought of doing it without. We are both versatile so it's not a problem for me to be Top, nevertheless this tiny accident is regularly repeated (actually always repeated)! I didn’t know how to talk about it with him, but the good thing is that he has now started to share his concerns about it with me.

He is a 27yo hot Chinese guy, who works for a financial institution as well (not the same one as I am in). He's slightly frustrated about his career, but very confident, friendly and sociable, and out to everyone except his parents. He told me that he has never talked about it before with the guys that he's had sex with, and he would go for Bottom for fear of losing it if he would have to Top someone. It's not a good situation, and I think that deep down this nice, sociable, agreeable guy is suffering a lot because of it. I know that he wants to enjoy being Top, and that he hasn’t really been able to so far. He went to a doctor, and obviously there's no physical issue. He plays sport a lot, and takes good care of himself.

I don’t believe in quick fixes, and I seriously think that a shrink could be a good answer for him. A shrink might be able to help him to find out whatever the cause is of his erection hassle, that he cannot find out by himself obviously. However a little quick fix, like being able to penetrate me properly once, might help him regain a bit of confidence in that field, so that he doesn't expect the worst whenever he unwraps a condom. Maybe you or one of your devotee readers have experienced such a thing? I am lost and I really like him.

In my experience, confidence can play a big part in getting and maintaining erections. And once confidence has been lost, it can be hard to get it back. It could be that the reader's new boyfriend has perhaps had a problem just once, but now whenever he's in the same situation he worries about losing his erection, and of course the mere thought of losing the erection makes it happen.

When I was younger, I did feel a kind of pressure to want the other guy to think I was experienced, and to make the process of having sex kind of macho! These days I'm much more relaxed about everything, and I often treat things in quite a light-hearted way. Adopting this attitude could help by taking away the pressure to perform.

Thinking along these lines, I can also suggest a quick fix that might work. The two guys should make putting on a condom part of the foreplay, and in particular the guy who's being Bottom should put the condom on the guy who's being Top. During this process, the Bottom guy can apply whatever stimulation he deems necessary to keep the Top guy excited. Perhaps the reader should suggest this for the first time when he's being Top, and then the next time it will seem natural to suggest this course of action with the other guy is trying the Top role.

Do any readers have any other thoughts on this subject?


Sir Wobin said...

I hate fretting with lube. Between making sure my partner is comfortable and then wiping my hands before getting down to business I get distracted and start fretting about staying hard.

When this happens we lie together nuzzling and gently biting his neck, doing erotic things to his shoulders with my beard, stroking his body and taking my time enjoying the feeling of him. Having relaxed and focused on how sexy he is, we have a great time.

Don't give up too quickly. Once he has the condom on, carry on playing until he gets hard again. Ask him about his fantasies. Don't let him give up either.

Anonymous said...

I like all the advice but we miss the stories about your adventures! Have you suddenly gone celibate, GB?

GB said...

LOL anonymous, I haven't gone celibate! But I am trying to focus on a small number of boyfriends, rather than playing the field on gaydar or wherever. I've kinda got bored of that for now. So since I don't invent stories, at the moment I'm most likely to post stuff in the Boyfriends, Gay Life and the Dear GB categories, rather than the Encounters catagory.

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

Suggestions are appreciated by other readers- if it helps the author of the letter, I have the same problem your boyfriend does! (Mine is a body image thing.) I gave up trying to deal with it, and since I haven't yet gotten the knack for bottoming, I tried to meet guys who enjoyed other activities more, but I definitely get some strong reactions when I told them I'm not interested in topping or bottoming. I think I've got to be go totally bottom, or say good bye to a love life!

Couples' counseling might help, and I haven't yet explored this path, but "sensate focus" as a technique may be one approach. The clinical nature of putting on a condom can dim the mood pretty quickly, so trying to sexualize the act of putting on the condom may set the atmosphere for keeping the erection throughout the lovemaking act. Perhaps examining other types/brands of condoms?

Anonymous said...

I have the same problem too as your BF and b/c of that, at 36 I have been a bottom for 20 years, when in fact there is a big part of me that is all top that I want to experience. And for me it comes from pressure put on me by early sex partners, which I put on myself subsequently throughout my life. I have been seeing a therapist and am trying to find someone I feel safe enough to try with who will not make me feel bad if it doesn't go well. You seem like he could be very safe with you.

As for me, if anyone has any advice on how they overcame this psychological block, please post. thanks.

GB said...

I decided to bring the preceding anonymous comment to eveyone's attention with a short posting, because most of my readers probably won't spot this query here.

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

For me, the Dr Max HGH Spray delivered the wood. Forty-five minutes after takingit I had a raging HO. The Missus could swing with both hands from the member (slight exaggeration). These effects lasted for 24 hours.

I did have slight side effects like a headache afterwards but after doing some research and talking to my doctor, he said it was fine and temporary.

He recommended when taking the Dr Max powers HGH Spray to drink lots of water. If you stay hydrated, this spray is pretty darn good! Pretty much a woody on demand!