Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Email from a gay guy with a dating issue

Last weekend, I received an email from a new Asian reader who was looking for career advice, and also my view on a situation that had developed with a guy that he’d been dating. These days I try to keep this blog focused on gay issues so I’m not going to mention the aspects of this email which related to his career, however the piece of the email which related to his dating issue was as follows:

Dear GB,

I recently met a guy for some casual fun but somehow we seemed to have connected at an emotional level too. We decided to meet again and it became a common occurrence. We were spending hours talking. He also took me out to some really nice restaurants at a social level. I had expressed my feelings for him to him, and asked if he could not reciprocate please let me know. He did not refuse it and instead encouraged more meetings. This all happened relatively quickly but I suppose we got along so well. He then wanted to tell me that he had a "younger brother" who came to him for advice. At that time it did not click with me that this person was his lover. Unfortunately, by accident I discovered it was his lover. I decided to stop seeing him even though I liked his company because I felt it was morally wrong and I am not the sort of person who will break a relationship. Subsequently, I sent him some flowers to say let's be friends because we had a connection.

So far he has neither rejected me or responded to my offer of friendship. I am confused. I know he genuinely liked me and treated me with respect. What do you think I should do?


I’ve read those paragraphs several times now, and there are so many things which could be going on here.

The exact nature of the relationship between the guy who the reader was dating and the guy’s lover is not clear from the description. The situation that the reader seems to fear is that the guy is happily partnered to his lover, but that might not be the case. It might also be a casual connection, like the one that the reader was developing with the guy. Even if it is a relationship, for some reason it might be an unhappy one and perhaps the guy is looking for an exit. Another possibility is that the guy and his lover have agreed an open relationship.

However, the reader does give the impression in the email that he made a hasty decision to exit the situation. Perhaps a more pragmatic approach would have been better, because with more information he might have made a different decision. After all, the two of them do seem to have some connection with each other.

A few weeks ago I did a post about how I thought gay relationships should be constructed. I reckon that it's the commitments that one makes to each other that's important, so that monogamy isn't important as long as the right commitments are there. However in this case, since the guy the reader was dating was encouraging a closer and closer connection between the two of them, it could be that he was breaking commitments that he might have made to his lover. If that is the situation, then I guess he's not to be trusted.

Still, I think the reader is right to try and cultivate friendship with this guy, if possible. If the guy rejects friendship, then underneath he's probably not a very nice person so it's no great loss. In some scenarios it's even possible to imagine that the two of them might become boyfriends, and if that were to happen ever, at least the other guy will know where he stands in connection with fun outside the relationship!

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this?

1 comment:

failed misanthrope said...

I like that Asian reader noticed that the guy treated him with respect. Respect is a must in any relationship. Since Asian reader never received a response on his offer of friendship, I guess that wasn't very respectful of the guy.