An email about condoms, oral sex, and dick size!

A couple of days ago, I got an email from a regular reader who I've corresponded with before. In fact, it was from the same reader that asked me about gay parenting a couple of months ago. But this time he had other things on his mind:

Dear GB,

How are you lately? It's me again! Your latest posting got me thinking about two things.

I recently learnt that unprotected oral sex has a non-negligible risk of HIV transmission and cases have certainly been documented. This got me worried and when I called up the GUM clinic they were fully booked for the next four weeks! Suggested I came for the drop ins in the morning but that means I will have to try and arrange a sick line for half a day. Wonder what the reason for absence would read? 'Sexual health check-up' would do well in raising my boss's eyebrows! :)

Do you use condoms for oral sex in casual hook-ups? A lot of guys seem to think that it's weird for some reason.

The second thing is the 'dick size' on gaydar. I think 'small' and 'extra large' are usually right. But a guy's perception of what constitutes 'average' and 'large' can vary quite a bit depending on the number of dicks they've seen and the size of their own equipment. What do you think?

Interesting questions, and also a reminder that I should go and have a sexual health check-up myself! I had a check-up in late 2005, and then another about a year later which I didn't blog about, but that was almost 18 months ago now so I'm definitely due for another.

My understanding of HIV transmission is that it needs to get into your blood to infect you. So with oral sex, common sense suggests that if, for example, you've got gums that bleed when you brush your teeth, and if you've also got HIV infected fluids in your mouth, then in that situation HIV has a route into your blood stream. But I think it's also true that mouths are typically quite hostile places for HIV, which dies very quickly in that kind of environment like a fish out of water. That means the risk is only to the guy doing the sucking, not the guy being sucked off!

I recall being told during my last sexual health check-up that the statistical chance of being infected by HIV during oral sex with another guy is something like 1 in 1250. Although that's a very small chance, each time you repeat the activity the cumulative chance of being infected grows. So if you suck off a different guy every day for 3 years it means that you'd have around a 50% chance of being infected! However, I also think the pre-cum of an infected guy contains much less HIV than the cum itself, so if you avoid getting his cum in your mouth I think it's much lower risk.

One thing that amazes me is how infrequently I get asked about my HIV status when cruising online. I think it's a reasonable question to ask before engaging in any kind of intimate activity, so I do ask. Although guys don't always know their true status themselves, and although a guy could lie even if he knows that he's HIV positive, some HIV positive guys would answer truthfully or discontinue the conversation so it seems logical that asking the question decreases my statistical chance of being infected. But it almost seems to be a taboo subject, because it's the thing that no one wants to think about, especially when one's cruising. Indeed, a lot of guys seem to have the "it won't happen to me" attitude, which no doubt contributed to the HIV scandal in the UK gay porn industry that the BBC reported recently.

I definitely think everyone needs to make up their own mind about this, not least because viruses can mutate, so just because something is low risk today doesn't mean that it will be low risk tomorrow. Based on the information above, my current guess is that if one has good oral hygiene, with no cuts in one's mouth or bleeding gums, and if the guy says that he's HIV negative, then as long as he doesn't cum in your mouth the chance of infection is probably almost negligible. If so, just sucking the other guy's dick briefly to give him a different kind of stimulation is probably almost completely safe. But beyond that the risks rise so I think a condom should be worn. Unfortunately I reckon it's true that most guys don’t bother for oral sex, however far they go, and I confess that if a guy wants to suck me off I don't immediately offer to put a condom on unless he asks me to which is very rare. Indeed, on gaydar it's very easy to find guys who are eager to suck off other guys all the way to 'kingdom cum', so there's clearly a lot of unsafe oral sex going on. Also, there are lots of other diseases and infections around, so just focusing on HIV can be a mistake.

In terms of dick size on gaydar, it's something I honestly never pay any attention to. Although I've met a lot of guys from gaydar, not once have I bothered to compare their actual dick size with their description. I reckon everything else is so much more important.

Do gay guys really prefer big dicks? Not necessarily I think. I've said it before but I'd much rather have a hard dick to play with than a big one :-). Indeed, in terms of the previous discussion, is it more enjoyable to fit something into one's mouth all the way, or to choke oneself in the attempt? In that context, perhaps small is beautiful after all!

Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on these matters?