A couple of weeks ago, I spent a pleasant evening in a pub with Close Encounters. We hadn't seen each other since we had supper together back in May, so it was good to catch up with him :-)."So what can I get you?" asks Close Encounters, reaching the bar before me.
"Let's see," I reply looking at the hand pumps behind the bar, "actually they've got a couple of decent beers here :-), although it's a pity the Fuller's is off :-(."
"Actually I don't normally drink that kind of beer," says Close Encounters, "I'll be having a pint of Stella!"
I spot an empty table in the middle of the pub so I go and grab it before anyone else has the same idea. Close Encounters arrives shortly afterwards carrying the beers, and we're soon chatting about my recent trip to New York.
"It was a good trip," I tell him, "but I really don't know where things are headed between me and boyfriend P now that I seem to be 'boyfriend number 2'!"
"Well, if I remember correctly," replies Close Encounters, "you used to encourage him to try and find a permanent boyfriend, didn't you?"
"Ummm, yes that's true, actually I'd forgotten that! But that was when I wasn't available as a full-time boyfriend, and I am now."
"Hmmm, not quite available yet I think," says Close Encounters correcting me, "because boyfriend S hasn't quite moved into his new house yet, has he? Anyway, why are you so sure that you're not the 'boyfriend number 1'?"
"It's lots of little things added together," I say forlornly. "The whole way he reacts to the other guy gives me a strong impression that I'm the 2nd choice. For example, in an unguarded moment he let slip that when the other guy was away travelling recently, he'd sent him a txt msg to say how much he missed him. But he's never sends me emails or txt msgs to say that he misses me :-(."
"But you email him every day don't you?"
"Most days I guess, and I try to phone him at least once a week."
"Well if you're always in touch with him I guess he doesn't get a chance to miss you does he? Anyway, perhaps you seem a bit too needy which is always a turn off!"
"Well how about this, on our last night in New York together, he left me to my own devices because the other guy was in New York too and he wanted to have supper with him instead of me."
"Hmmm, on your last night that's not a good sign," admits Close Encounters, "although I guess he'd seen a lot of you in the previous couple of weeks."
"He's also put pics on his facebook profile which make the two of them look like a couple, and the other guy's even met some of his family now. I've met a few of his friends but not as many as the other guy, and none of his family :-(."
"Well that's not surprising because you don't live in the same city as boyfriend P do you, and presumably the other guy does?"
"On that subject," I reply, "if we ever do live in the same city, he suggested recently that we should 'date' for a while rather than living together."
"Really? What does he think that the two of you have been doing over the past few years if not dating??"
"I told him I didn't have any interest in dating. After all the time we've spent in each other's company, if he doesn't know now that I'd make a good boyfriend then I don't think he'll ever know :-(. I think he ended up accepting that 'dating' wouldn't be necessary."
"His affections sometimes seem very fickle too," I continue, "because after a couple of weeks in my company we'll be making plans about our future, but as soon as I'm not there it all swings off in another direction. I don't mind if he has other boyfriends of course, but he keeps saying that he only wants one boyfriend. If this other guy turns out to be 'Mr Big', that means I get dumped and that would hurt a lot. I get the impression that the only reason that hasn't happened yet is because the other guy doesn't want a relationship just yet. I really do love him mate, but sometimes it feels like we've been all the way through a deep relationship from start to finish without even ever having lived in the same country! I also don't want to end up being boyfriend P's boyfriend and feel that he's settled for 2nd best for the rest of my life! Perhaps I just need the courage to move on?"
"What about boyfriend R, do you ever see him these days?"
"No, and I've got no inclination to either. Although he's a lovely sweet guy, he's just too screwed up!
"Well GB, I did used to enjoy the posts about your encounters! If you do broaden your horizons again, I hope that we'll all be able to read about it :-)."
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4 comments:
Hmmm, interesting stuff GB. I suppose for P, having his BF1 living in the same city/country as him is probably an incentive for him. And I suppose that the relationship you have had with him up until recently has been that he's been your "number 2" and so that's the relationship he's used to, not as the Primary boyfriend. But I'm sure, knowing you, that you have one or two more boys lurking in the background who'd jumpt at the chance to be one of your BF's! ;-)
Hugs!
Given your normal high sense of self awareness, I can't believe that you aren't conscious that is somewhat ironic that for a long period you weren't willing to leave BF1 for BF2 yourself... given that you wouldn't commit to him, why do you now expect him to commit to you? Ultimately your relationship with P has developed into a BF2-type relationship from his side too and to seek now to change that is wishful thinking. Matt
Anon-
I know!
I love this site but sometimes I think GB has selective memory syndrome!? How many times did boyfriend 2 get a kick in the face and told he could never be anything but a bit on the side...?
You made him what he is GB.
I've been there before-you are told to toughen up, see other people, stop being clingy etc-it hurts like hell, you don't want to as this is not your personality but your are convinced by the person you are seeing that you will never be anything more. You sigh and finally becoming cynical and learn the game.
And the person who said all this to you is throwing his toys out of the pram cause he's changed his mind cause his first boyfriend is moving out!
Who made WHO feel like second best originally??
Thanks for all the comments guys :-). Of course I am conscious of the irony, but just because it's ironic doesn't mean that boyfriend P isn't my 'number 1' at the moment because he is! Surely the right thing to do is to follow that path in case it leads somewhere? If the anonymous commenters are right though, and it seems that they might be, it won't lead anywhere. As they say, the only person responsible will be me :-(.
GB xxx
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