Email from a guy with a relationship dilemma

Last week, I received an email from a gay guy who's got a boyfriend who lives in the UK. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,
Thank you for taking the time to read this email. I only recently found your blog and have found it a very interesting read.

I am currently facing a relationship-related dilemma for which I hope clarity could be achieved from unbiased, objective third-party views.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am in my late 20s and have recently returned to my native country after a long stint in the UK as a student. For 2 years preceding my return, I lived with the guy I am currently in a relationship with. Barring the odd drama, our relationship is otherwise stable, and uncomplicated, which is how we both prefer it. As clichéd as it may sound, we "get" each other, share a fairly identical sense of humour and are at complete ease in each other's company. He absolutely adores me and I do him. As a partner, he complements my cynical, non-trusting, and at times glass-half-empty nature. The understanding at this point is that I will return to join him.

The current state of economy of the UK, in which I am sure you are far more well-versed than myself, does however make me question the arrangement of my plans and priorities. I have professional ambitions that are more easily fulfilled in my native country, compared to as an alien in the UK. While the qualifications I have under my belt are reasonable, they are by no means outstanding. The current graduate glut (and the apparent record levels of unemployment) that I keep reading about in the English press has only made the difficult task appear impossible. That said, the situation does not seem as dire where I am now, which leads me to believe that I could go much further here professionally.

On the other hand, if I were to discard this perfectly functioning relationship, I suspect finding another one will not be easy. I have no complexes about my sexuality, but nor do I wear it on my sleeve. There exists a gay scene here, but there is a complete lack of variety apart from the stereotypical campy merriment which, while I fully support an individual's right to enjoy himself, does not sit well with me. I doubt I would be willing to immerse myself in all that in the hopes of a happy accident. Besides, my overwhelmingly heterosexual-male circle of friends here are marrying off one by one (even a few gay acquaintances!), and I do not doubt very soon the pressure will be on me to do the same. It is extremely unlikely I will go down the route of scamming a poor girl into sham matrimony but I wonder how it feels to be "that old guy who has never married who lives by himself". I also wonder how my traditionally-minded parents are going to handle queries about me from nosy friends and relatives. I wonder how I will handle them.

I know the answer is ultimately mine but I really could use the benefits of the opinions of those who have been there and done that, or simply have been in the game for longer than I have. Thank you.

Regards.

Although the reader doesn't say where his native country is, my guess is that he comes from one of what bankers call the "emerging markets", perhaps somewhere like the Indian sub-continent. Exactly where he comes from isn't relevant, however given that there isn't much gay life where he now lives, it seems highly likely to me that he'd find it a lot easier being gay in the UK. Gay people in the UK can now enter into civil partnership, the law protects us from discrimination, and it's easy to meet other gay people either online or on the gay scene in the major cities. For these reasons alone, even if he didn't have a boyfriend in the UK, I would suggest that he should consider moving over here if possible.

These days, the UK seems to welcome English speaking graduates, wherever they come from. There's a points based system for qualifying for a work visa, which takes account of age, qualifications and previous earnings, although there's also a requirement to have had the equivalent of £2,800 savings for three months prior to the application. Then, once someone has lived legitimately in the UK for 5 years, they can apply for "indefinite leave to remain" which means they can stay forever. By comparison it's much harder to reach the same point in the USA for example. In today's global knowledge-based economy, I think it's a smart move by the UK government to make it possible for graduates to move to the UK like this.

At the moment though, it's true that the UK is entering a recession. However now that the UK government has moved to support the banks, and with a pledge to restore growth from the G20 group of nations, my best guess is that all the right ingredients are in place for an eventual recovery. A week ago I went to an event which aims to recruit gay graduates into banking. Like last year, my role was simply to talk to the students and to recommend banking as a career to them. But while I was there I also spoke to a few of the bank's human resources representatives, and in spite of the recession it's clear that they're all still hiring graduates.

In terms of career versus personal life, I think personal life should always come first. It can be hard to prioritise because without an income (presumably from a career) it's hard to have a fulfilling personal life, however I think a person who derives all his satisfaction in life from career success is likely to end up sad and lonely. So although the reader may be able to focus on a career in his home country for a few years, he won't be able to ignore the fact that he's gay forever. Given that it'll be hard to find a new boyfriend where is is, he may well find himself trapped in a loveless life after a few years with mounting pressures from his family to get married. It was Fran from Strictly Ballroom who said "A life lived in fear is a life half lived", and they're wise words!

For all these reasons, I would lean towards suggesting that the reader should move back to the UK if possible. Unlike where he's currently living, the UK is a good place to be gay, because he won't to be able to ignore that side of his personality forever. Since he already has a boyfriend here, it'll be much easier for him to move than it would be for anyone who's never lived over here before.

Until recently, the reader who sent me the email was in a different country from where he grew up, which is exactly the same situation that boyfriend P still finds himself. Similarly, boyfriend P also has a boyfriend who lives in the UK :-). So since boyfriend P has known about my blog for a while now, I asked him for his thoughts on this reader's email and he had the following things to say:

There are so many issues that this reader has raised that I think I need to tackle them methodically.

Firstly, the way I see it from the email there's the professional ambition issue. Then there's the underlying relationship dynamic between him and his partner and the fear of not being able to find another relationship. The third is the issue of societal/parental pressure to get married.

So let me tackle the first. Career-wise, it's always important to not put all your eggs in one basket. I reckon he is about to graduate and will be looking for a job. Instead of just focusing on one market, why not put a word out to prospective employers in different markets, different countries. Whoever offers the best prospects and remunerations is worth considering seriously. Until that happens, it's too early to tell. I don't really know where this reader is originally from and what kind of environment that country of origin is in so it is hard to assess. Also, be practical about long-term prospects. It may be easier to get a job in his native country, but a stint in the UK may be far highly valuable in the longer run. But again, don't count your chicks before your eggs are hatched. The reader should send his resume out and gauge the responses of employers. The decision will be more pragmatic then.

The second issue I am surmising is that he is not 100 per cent happy in the current relationship. He seems to suggest that they are coasting along. But coasting along in a relationship is never good enough. There has to be passion. One important question he needs to ask himself: "Am I in love with him?" The fear of not being able to find another boyfriend shouldn't even be a subject. Life's too short, and he's too young to be feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. At my age, and I'm no spring chicken, I still believe in great loves and The One. Yet there are many The Ones coming into our lives, of course. But I honestly think if one relationship doesn't work out, another one will present itself over time.

The third issue: parental/societal pressures. I suspect that the reader is originally from a conservative country in Asia with strong Confucianist influence. If that's the case, the pressure to conform with the rest of society and marry and provide offsprings is highly intense. That pressure is real, especially if the reader is not out to his family and friends. Having lived in the UK, it will be especially hard for him to adjust to life back at home. Again, I think life is too short to be feeling unhappy and trapped. Think about the option of coming out to family. Assess the possibility of being upfront and truthful to his parents and siblings. If telling a parent is hard or impossible, tell a closer sibling. And get his or her perspective. I don't know what his family dynamic is, but all I know is that it is not healthy for him to pretend to be someone he is not.

So those are my thoughts. Plenty of things for him to think about. The final decision should be based on having thought through all these issues carefully. We can only provide perspectives, but the reader has to come his own decisions because he knows the full story, the intricacies and complexities in his life. The question of him being in love with his partner should be central in the decision-making process, but shouldn't be the only one that he based his final decision on.

I wish him all the best. It will be an exciting time no matter. Whatever his decision is, he needs to be happy with it. When that happens, everything else falls into place.

Now, GB. I hope this is not your way of asking me to think about OUR own issues....

And as an aside note to GB's readers, some of his postings recently have put some of his and my conversations a little out of context. Certain things were omitted for artistic and dramatic purposes. I'm not the mean-spirited person some readers have made me out to be. Like many of you, I'm looking for true love too.

xoxo
Boyfriend P

Do any other readers have any further thoughts?