The rules of playing 'hard to get'

Right at the end of December, I received an email from a guy asking me about the best places to meet other gay guys in London, and also asking about what the dating rules are in the UK. So I sent him a brief reply about the London gay scene, and I also asked him to write a bit more about exactly what his dating query was. The result was the following email:

Dear GB

Why do people play hard to get? I just can't wrap my mind around what seems to be such an unproductive habit. It might be redundant to say that I don't like playing hard to get and that I'm pretty frustrated with people who do. I recently met up with a guy I was introduced to about three months ago, we got along, we were mutually interested but we didn't hook up, although we did swap shirts (it was a pretty interesting party) and felt each other up underneath the dinner table after dessert. We kept in touch and chatted a bit online and all seemed to be cool, but now, having come to London to spend Christmas with some other friends I find him to be playing completely hard to get. I don't get the point. Either he is interested, in which case we hook up, or he's not and we can stop playing telephone tag. In general, wouldn't it be easier and more effective to be upfront, instead of circling round in a total stalemate? Or to put it another way, wouldn't it be better not to play hard to get, but rather to be decisive such as to maximize efficiency of investment in the libidinal economy of close interpersonal encounters?

His last sentence made me giggle so I readily agreed to do a blog post in response.

Just over a week later though, perhaps because I'd posted the title of this post in my Dear GB pending list, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I'm a student at Cambridge in my final year and wish for some relationship advice. I had been in a relationship with a guy for the first year and a half of Uni, but then I decided to end the relationship because it wasn't working out. I hate the gay scene in Cambridge, which I find generally shallow and revolves around casual sex and a ghastly gay bar aptly named 'Thrust'. Since splitting up with the guy I mentioned I've quite liked several people, all who seem to like me, which leads to my next problem...

I seem to, whether mostly by intent or by nature, play hard to get to an extreme degree, such that even were a person I absolutely adore to show interest in me I won't ask them out, or only in the final instance. I suppose my tendency evolved from several hurtful episodes I had with other people before I went out with the guy I mentioned above, as a kind of protective mechanism to gauge who was genuinely interested in me. But still, I can't help thinking that I've missed lots of opportunities to form relationships with those who I like, and in particular, I feel that it is happening again more or less as we speak. The problem is, I play hard to get to the extreme of seeming slightly cold to the person I fancy. It's quite strange really, instead of being especially warm to the person I like I retract and shy away from contact with them. So I would like your advice, or the advice of people in this blog, as to whether my protective mechanism is somewhat self-defeating.

I would greatly appreciate a reply, yours,

These two emails from the different readers clearly show two guys on opposite sides of the hard-to-get behavioural trait, so it makes sense to try and answer both emails at the same time. How to go about looking for boyfriends is also quite topical for me at the moment, now that I've split up with ex-boyfriend P, so putting down a few thoughts here should help me sort out my ideas too.

In terms of playing hard to get, I recall a conversation with ex-boyfriend P last year when he suggested that I had no idea how to go about dating. He insisted that in the city where he lives there are "rules", such as not phoning a date back for three days after an enjoyable meeting, even if one is very keen on the other person. I guess the idea is that phoning back too quickly makes one look desperate. Of course, ex-boyfriend P is right that I don't know these rules, but in fact I'm glad that I don't know them. Intuitively I feel that following a set of rules when searching for a long term partner is ridiculous, because every situation is different, so each situation requires it's own response.

I think that the most important thing is to be honest, open and relaxed when looking for boyfriends, or to put it another way, to be cool. Any rules which exist for dating were perhaps invented to try and help inherently uncool people appear to be cool to the people that they're dating. However, it strikes me as being inherently uncool to following any set of dating rules. Similarly, in terms of playing hard-to-get, I'd say that it's also uncool to pretend that one doesn't like someone when one does!

For the reader who was upset because a guy he likes has been playing hard-to-get, I think the best advice is to try and understand what might be causing the other guy to behave like that. Indeed, as in all areas of life when one's interacting with other people, it's always sensible to try and work out what's going through the other peoples' mind. In this case, possible reasons for his behaviour include:

• The guy has changed his mind and now isn't interested meeting the reader after all
• The guy is following a pointless set of dating rules
• The guy is interested in the reader, but is afraid of being hurt
• The guy is interested in the reader, but has a self-esteem problem so he finds it hard to believe that anyone is really interested in him
• The guy is dishonest, for example he's currently in a monogamous relationship, so he can only get in touch when his partner is away

This isn't an exhaustive list, however working out what's going on in the other guy's mind should help the reader plan his response. However if a guy never returns one's phone calls or emails, ultimately that's quite rude, so the only sensible course of action is to look elsewhere.

For the reader who has been playing hard-to-get, I think the answer to his question is "yes", his self-protective behaviour is somewhat self-defeating! Although one has to protect oneself to some extent, I don't think it makes sense to pretend that you don't like someone when you do like them. So perhaps a better solution in terms of protecting oneself is to take things very slowly when someone shows an interest? However I also believe that one shouldn't try and love anyone else until one loves oneself, so given that the reader described his own behaviour as extreme, I can't help wondering whether the reader has other issues that need to be addressed. For example, low self-esteem would also cause this behaviour.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on these issues?