Email from a guy with a long-term boyfriend

Last week, I got the following email from a gay guy who's having a crisis in his long term relationship:

Dear GB,

I recently discovered your blog. I wish I remembered how, now, since I definitely wasn't looking for a blog written by a gay banker in London! (haha).

Anyhow, maybe it found me, as I'm now having a relationship and personal crisis like I've never had before and for which I am completely unprepared, and of course, your blog is filled with a deep archive of questions and thoughts on these issues.

No idea if you've tired of responding to these scenarios, but I thought I'd try and solicit your thoughts on my own situation. I have finally come to the point where I am going to see a therapist at the end of this week, so at least this will help me to organize my own thoughts on the subject.

I am gay; I came out just as I was turning 19, had a brief affair with a guy (about three months), another brief affair with one other guy (one week!) and then met my current partner. We have been together since, so we are coming up on 16 years together this spring. At the onset of the relationship, we agreed to be monogamous. If you do the math, this means I have had sex with three men. In my life.

About six years ago, after several years of declining sex (with him) and increased self-gratification (from me!) and the occasional feeling from me that he was being odd, I learned that he had been having sex on the side with many men. He was very, very, very apologetic, said he hadn't been able to control himself, that he was trying to, that he had thought about leaving me but wanted to stay with me to be a good person, and because he loved me, and asked me to forgive him, etc etc. At the time, it shattered my world. But I loved him, and eventually decided to stick it out.

In a way, I got over it eventually. We re-established some rules - still monogamy but anything up to actually touching other guys was fine (cam to cam, etc). Since then, he's had some encounters (steam rooms, occasional quickies) and has, in general, told me about them when he slips up. It upsets me, but having been through this before, I have been surprised by how much less upset I was over time with each successive encounter. While this has been going on, in general, our interest in sex with each other has remained very, very low. We still have it, but very infrequently and routinely.

So here's my actual current problem: he has always told me he would be fine with me going to see an erotic masseur (a service he has frequented) sort of as a concession to his own activities. I had done so on two occasions past, but as fun as it was, it wasn't something that really drew me back. No matter how hot the guy, I think I get more of a thrill out of the emotional/sexual mix you get with a lover and not a hired hand. However, I decided this winter to start getting a massage once every couple of weeks for health, and figured, as long as he doesn't mind, why not throw in the bonus at the end? So I picked out a masseur and went to see him, and WOW we had a connection, and I have found it difficult not to see him at least once a week since.

It has really re-awakened for me something I had given up on - real touch and connection and desire. I had thought that this needed to be sacrificed for long-term companionship.

I think I could continue on this path, actually, without ruining my current relationship. I think my partner would be fine with it, if we talked about it. But, I think I want the full package, and think I realize now that I don't have it with my current relationship. One way to put it is, we're good friends, we're good roommates, but that's it. I have very tender feelings towards him, but am not at all attracted to him sexually anymore (and I'm not sure I want to be), and am starting to question what feelings constitute 'love'! Big questions, and not ones I thought I'd be grappling with at my age!!!

I am starting to think I do not want to be in a relationship where I am with someone who is a great friend, but with whom I do not have a sexual connection. I feel like it's not fair to him or to me, since I would be wanting more elsewhere when we're together. On the other hand, I can't contemplate breaking up with him for even a minute without complete and utter breakdown. He's been my whole life for so long.

I'm really stuck. If you read all the way through this and have thoughts, I sure would appreciate them as an outside opinion (and those of your readers).

Thanks, GB. I hope all is well on your end. :)

I sent back a reply immediately, asking whether there was a significant difference in age between the two of them, and also asking the reader why he started declining sex with his boyfriend. In his reply he said that his boyfriend was only slightly older, before going on to say:

I've never actually declined sex from him, as he got into sleeping around (this timeline became more clear after the fact) he began to show considerably less interest in me more and more, to the point where he would not be able to finish, and we never really recovered from there. I was always still fairly active, but in the face of disinterest it became less....satisfying. Since he told me about his activities, we have both tried to keep activity up, but it's more akin to a household task than something enjoyable. Even now, I am the only one who initiates.

My first thoughts about this reader's situation are that there are similarities to the situation that developed between me and ex-boyfriend S. I'm like the reader's boyfriend who was having sex with other guys, and the reader is like ex-boyfriend S. However there are some differences. As the years went by I engaged in fewer activities with ex-boyfriend S, however I never completely lost interest in him and indeed it was almost always me who initiated anything. That situation lasted right up until the problems arose that caused me to go on holiday with ex-boyfriend P, so the two of us maintained a sexual connection for 16 years.

In my experience, it's very common for sexual passion to decrease in gay male relationships as the years go by, and as that happens the friendship and companionship usually becomes stronger to compensate. However the absence of a meaningful sexual relationship in the reader's case is a cause for concern. Since the friendship and companionship are there though, it would be a pity to throw it all that away without attempting to save the relationship. Indeed it would take a very long time to find another boyfriend and reach the same level of friendship, and it may turn out that no adequate replacement is ever found. In these situations it's important to remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, although the reality is often different. Having said that, I don't think the current situation is sustainable in the long term, so the best thing is to try and address the issues rather than let the problems fester.

If the two of them are to stay together, one thing which needs to be repaired is their communication. Love and sexual attraction won't return until there's effective communication between the two of them. The reader's boyfriend has become used to hiding things from the reader, and now the reader is seeking advice from a counsellor and from this blog instead of discussing things with his boyfriend. As a first step down this path, in the near future I think the reader needs to find a way to discuss all these issues with his boyfriend.

One problem may be that the reader's boyfriend feels constrained by the theoretical monogamy that they've agreed. However the reader himself may now be able to accept a more open relationship, so one idea would be to try that instead of splitting up at this stage. Indeed, just as the companionship aspect of gay male relationships strengthens over time, relationships often become more open over the years. The hope would be that by making the relationship more realistic, the two of them would strengthen their feelings for each other, hopefully to the extent that occasional sex would be a joy rather than a chore. Needless to say, many types of open relationship are possible, but if the two of them start communicating properly then they should be able to work out what's best for them.

Another idea is couples counselling. Although it didn't help with me and ex-boyfriend S, with hindsight I think that the biggest issue in my case was the fact that ex-boyfriend S was unhappy with other aspects of his life, which over a long period of time poisoned our relationship. My blame lies with the fact that I didn't spot what was going on and attempt to fix it. However this reader's situation is different so couples counselling may help in his case. A major part of couples counselling relates to restoring good communication, so if they find it hard to do this on their own then it should be of help. The right counsellor could also help with different ideas for constructing open relationships.

However, if the reader does end up breaking up with his boyfriend, it'll be more because their relationship has reached some kind of natural conclusion rather than 'irreconcilable differences'. In that situation, hopefully the two of them can remain friends, and hence keep some of the benefits of their long association. Indeed, in my case I remain good friends with ex-boyfriend S, however the situation with ex-boyfriend P is completely different and if I ever see or hear from him again it will be too soon!

Do any other readers have any thoughts that might help?