Monday, August 03, 2009

Another email from a guy in his first gay relationship

About a week and a half ago, I received another email from the guy who emailed me about his first gay relationship a few months ago. His new email was as follows:

Dear GB,

How are you? Hope you are enjoying your life with boyfriend T, great holiday pics and hope everything could work out between you two =).

It’s great to be back in Asia. Even though working in an investment bank is really crazy (worked till 4am), I still get to know some new people here, both straight and gays =).

I may need some advice again. Yes it's the same boyfriend issue, but not about being monogamous etc, he is in USA and I am in Asia. I can't control him anyway. I will just need to know myself.

Yes, we are still sort of together after I left. I persuade myself that as long as he still LOVES me this relationship might work out.

But looks like he is not putting effort into it.

He cut our daily talking times from 2 to 1 because he said he is busy with earnings season reports. We talked less than 10 mins a day. I understand he has busy work so I never call him during his work time (he won't pick up anyway), even though I am willing to answer his phone call during my busy working hours. I said I am always here 24/7.

But now he is not even willing to call me anymore, because he says he is tired after work, while he can go for birthday party or dinner with friends but not spending 10 mins to talk to me.

He just call me whenever he has nothing else to do, only when he feels like it (after his dinner, and party) and sometimes he doesn't even call.

Yes maybe he loves me, but I don't think he is putting effort into this relationship, even emotionally! All he can do is type "i love u " on iPhone which takes less than 5 seconds.

And when I brought up this issue, he accused me of being selfish and dramatic and wants to break up because I bombarded his email during his busy working time.

I couldn't sleep because I am thinking all the effort I am putting into maintaining this relationship and he just doesn't give a shit and takes me for granted.

I understand in a relationship most of the time, one is loving and putting in more effort. But I don't think I am asking too much, only 10 mins a call a day (while I can compromise on my busy ibanking life).

In a private email to me you told me to look for signs of love, but I really don't see any in this situation. Furthermore, to be selfish, I don't know why I should be the one putting so much effort. He is 9 years older than me, had so much history and slutty past life and his looks are not even my type. While I am still young, confident about my physical features and my future career, I know I am very stable and good boyfriend material (all my gay friends said I am totally different from the stereotypical slutty gay and very committed with great personality).

By committing to this relationship I am basically blocking myself from experiencing what all the normal gays go through (I never had sex with someone else, never in love with someone else) because I feel I should be committed to what I have now. Yet you see how he treats this relationship. But I am not saying that I want to be with someone.

What's your advice on this? Maybe I should really just give it up, and let the life itself decide my fate instead of forcefully maintaining this relationship? Or just because I am young and energetic so pretty intense in a relationship? Maybe I should just invest more time on myself?

Hope to hear from you


I'm glad that this reader has had this relationship, and I'm sure that he's got a lot out of it. However, reading this email makes me think that it's over, for now at least. If the two of them end up in the same country at some point in the future, then perhaps they could give it another go depending on their situations at the time. Also, if they travel to each other's country, perhaps they could still go on holiday together as kind of temporary boyfriends. But it seems to me that the main relationship isn't working because they're not making each other happy, and given the physical distance between them I don't think it’s fixable.

So I reckon it’s time for the reader to move on. He should take with him all the happy memories of this first gay relationship and his first gay sex, but also think about all the things that could have gone better and try to learn from them. Indeed, I think the reader already knows that he’s quite intense. To many potential new boyfriends that’s likely to be a bit off-putting, and can come across as being very needy which is always unattractive. No one can control their boyfriend and nor should anyone want to, because one gets far more out of a relationship when one’s boyfriend has different attitudes, and different ways of looking at things. The trick is to find a sustainable way of living with each other, and supporting each other, so that both guys can both grow as individuals and achieve their potential.

I’m sure the reader is right though, that in principle he’s excellent boyfriend material :-). Given that he’s already met a few gay guys in the city where he now lives, he shouldn’t have much trouble integrating himself into the gay life there and hence looking for a new boyfriend. My one word of caution would be, not to go rushing into any new relationship. Experience shows that one can make bad decisions like that when one’s on the rebound from a relationship which has just ended!

Does anyone else have any thoughts for this reader?


John F said...

I agree with you - it's time to move on. The reader sounds like a self-confident, positive and attractive person. The boyfriend sounds like a grade-A prat who doesn't deserve such a nice fellow.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the boyfriend who's too "busy" to call actually has a little bit on the side going as well.

Anonymous said...

Based purely on this email, I'd say if it's not over then perhaps it should be.

I'm cautious of saying that because, not knowing both personalities involved, we're only getting one part of the picture.

Ultimately, if either partner aren't getting what they need out of a relationship then either the relationship has to change or it will end.

I personally think that too many people get hung up on appraising themselves, saying 'I'm good boyfriend material'...

I don't think there's any such thing as 'good boyfriend material', at least nothing that can be quantified using terms such as attractiveness, intelligence etc.

Good boyfriends are people who match each other as a pair, not who are 'hot' as individuals.

I've known guys who have all the positive traits mentioned in the letter but with whom I wouldn't ever consider a relationship as there's been no spark. They weren't fun and/or interesting to be around on a day to day basis. Mother would have loved them, though :-)

It also sounds like you've already started to 'demonise' him. Someone who wants/loves someone else doesn't say stuff like: 'He is 9 years older than me, had so much history and slutty past life and his looks are not even my type' unless they're finding reasons to break up with that person.

Just rambling thoughts...

I know it may be a cultural thing, but I personally wouldn't want to try to settle down with someone unless I'd sown my wild oats (been slutty!) or the other person has.

There's nothing wrong with being slutty. It teaches you the benefit of being with the person you choose to settle down with.

Anonymous said...

And that last comment wasn't meant as a slam of the letter writer at all. I just re-read it and it sounded a little harsh. I totally sympathise with his situation. It's not easy being the one left with all the feelings and not knowing what's going on.

Anonymous said...

I think a part of this is a cultural issue and also an age gap problem. I am oriental and my bf is british and I am 15 years younger than him. I find that he doesn't enjoy the short and senseless call before but I explained this to him and he now finds time to give me a quick call or answer my calls even if he is at work. I explained to him that this is how I think orientals do it. We are more "sticky". I think being young and being your first relationship also means that you are more needy and need more attention as you want the relationship to work. Whereas for him, he might be thinking that if it is meant to work it would work without needing to put too much effort or he just doesn't want to put effort as it will end up like the other relationships. Basically what I want to say is give it a bit more time and see how it goes and communicate more. If he doesn't respond you know what todo. It took me 1 year for my current boyfriend to open up to me and now it is working perfectly fine. That is with the help of this blog and other people who comment here.

Andi said...

Having read his email, it reminds me of my first relationship. My ex and I have always had about 250miles distance, but it seemed to work until pretty much the same happened to me as described in the post.

Having been though something similar I can only say that I don't think there is much of a future for the moment. Not being able to see each other is always difficult, but if one doesn't make as much effort and the other feels lonely, neglected or even ignored by the other it's time to call it a day...

Trying to keep something alive that quiet clearly is not able to survive on its own will just result in the young guy being upset even more when he reaches the point of realising that it is over.

I'd suggest email your bf saying that you need to talk and arrange a time when you will be able to speak. Sort it out and try maintianing a friendship.

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