Friday, October 04, 2013

An evening with ex-boyfriend R

A few days ago, it's late in the evening and ex-boyfriend R (a.k.a. boyfriend number 3) is visiting me in my home. Earlier I'd cooked a simple meal for us both, and now we're relaxing on the sofa in my sitting room, chatting easily.

"Why don't you lie down on the sofa," suggests ex-boyfriend R.

"Why?" I ask.

"Well, I need to go soon, but it would be nice to lie down on the sofa with you for a quick cuddle :-)."

I always enjoyed cuddles with ex-boyfriend R when we used to engage in activities with each other, so I get some cushions for my head and lie down as requested. Soon ex-boyfriend R is lying half on top of me and half to one side, and even though we've got all our clothes on, it's nice to feel the warmth of his body against mine.

"I'm not sure about this guy K that you like," says ex-boyfriend R after a pause. "I don't think it's right for him to ask to date you on an exclusive basis before you've even slept with each other. You shouldn't agree to it, because you shouldn't give people power over you."

A couple of weeks previously, my friend who has his first gay experience aged 13 had said exactly the same thing when we were out for dinner together. "Don't let other guys have power over you," he'd said, when we were discussing boyfriends. At the time it had seemed sensible, but when I thought about it, I realised that I disagreed. Whenever one has a boyfriend, one loses some independence, because one has to start taking some account of what one's boyfriend wants and needs. If one has got the right boyfriend then the benefits of the relationship outweigh the loss of independence. I can't help thinking that with the attitude of not conceding anything to a potential boyfriend, it's no coincidence that ex-boyfriend R and my friend who has his first gay experience aged 13 are both still single.

"But I'd have *power* over K too," I say to ex-boyfriend R while we're cuddling on my sofa, "because exclusive dating works both ways :-)."

"In any case," I continue, "cruising for activities with other guys is time consuming. I was quite happy not doing that when I was with ex-boyfriend T, so I don’t mind not doing that while I'm dating K either, just to try and work out whether a relationship with him could work."

"Also, the fact that in September you agreed to delay dating until early October seems strange too," counters ex-boyfriend R. "If you like each other, why didn't you start dating immediately?"

"Well I guess I agree with that," I concede.

"Actually," I continue, "I always wonder whether there are any unwritten rules for dating lots of different guys at the same time. I've had loads of hook-ups, dates and dinners over the last couple of months, but if I see someone more than once, I sometimes feel a bit guilty that I'm not being completely honest with them about how many guys I'm meeting."

"But while you're just dating, you can do what you like," answers ex-boyfriend R with an authoritative tone in his voice, "so there's nothing to feel guilty about!"

The good thing about ex-boyfriend R is that he's always got a firm view on this sort of question, even if I don't always agree with what he says! We lie there for a while, and then slowly, he starts to unbutton my shirt. But after two buttons he stops and slips one of his hands inside my shirt, and lays it gently on top of one of my pecs. I feel very relaxed with him so I don't say anything, and we just continue to lie there, enjoying each other's company.

"A couple of months ago," I say, "I was suggesting to another friend that although cuddling isn't as intimate as various other activities, if you've got a boyfriend I reckon that cuddling like this would still be cheating on him!"

"I think it depends what the intention is," replies ex-boyfriend R with an authoritative tone again. "Certainly if you keep all your clothes on and neither of you gets aroused then I reckon that you're not being unfaithful."

"But if you start to take each other's clothes off …" he continues, as he resumes unbuttoning my shirt, "then the intention is clearly for more intimacy, and then I think I'd agree with you :-)."

"I thought you had to go soon?" I giggle, without putting up any resistance, "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"I always used to like it when you visited me for fun!" replies ex-boyfriend R, without answering either question, "and I think you did too?"

"Perhaps we'd better go upstairs to my bedroom then. If any of the neighbours in the houses opposite are looking this way, I don't think they need to see exactly what we're doing!"

Fifteen minutes later and we're both completely naked, kissing and cuddling and playing with each other on my bed, just like we used to do all those years ago.

"Who'd have thought that we'd ever be doing this again!" laughs ex-boyfriend R.

"Well indeed," I answer with a big smile on my face, "I think it's been almost 6 years!"

I usually prefer subtle lighting for activities, and indeed, on this occasion as we were getting undressed I'd switched off all but the dimmest bedside light. However, a few minutes later ex-boyfriend R gets up and turns the bright main light on in the middle of the room.

"I think it's more horny to see EXACTLY what we're doing to each other :-)," he says, with a big grin on his face.

We take our time to enjoy ourselves thoroughly, and afterwards we climb under the duvet and naturally start cuddling each other again. While I'm holding him in my arms and dozing gently, feeling very satisfied, I start to remember how much I always enjoyed activities with ex-boyfriend R. It also occurs to me that when it comes to activities, ex-boyfriend R is probably the most experienced guy that I know!


Anonymous said...

Hi GB, your blog is always interesting and thought-provoking.
I wonder: What attracts you so much about K?
What I read makes me worry that K may be not right for you.
The 2 issues raised by R bother me as well, though for slightly different reasons. First issue: I agree with you that exclusivity is reciprocal and has benefits (no more energy wasted on cruising), but you should not commit to exclusivity with a person before knowing whether you and that person have sexual chemistry. Second issue: Why did he want to start dating you exclusively, but only after a few days? The fact that he could postpone that makes me suspect that either he is not so attracted to you, or that during those days he wanted to do something that would go against exclusivity but he did not tell you about it, or that he is just really bad at communicating what he wants - just like we saw when he got immaturely upset about your hookup even though he had explicitly allowed you to date other guys, too. In any case, I think you should ask him the reason for this strange postponement.
I also did not understand from your blog whether the two of you have ever kissed passionately or had an otherwise romantic moment together. Without passion, all this talk about exclusivity and trying for a possible relationship would seem inappropriate to me.
I guess you will soon find out a lot more about K, as October has come and so you should start dating exclusively.
All the best, and take care. - Stefano

GB said...

Perhaps one of the things that attracts me to K, Stefano, is that he sees things so differently to most other gay guys I now. For example, as I said, he doesn't use apps or the internet for dating or cruising. So like ex-boyfriend R and a lot of my readers like you, I do find the situation a bit confusing. Anyway, things are still heading in the right direction :-), so I'm just going to let things play themselves out naturally!

GB xxx

Sebastian said...

This is the exactly question I want to ask while you mentioned there. Should dating be exclusive if you see a guy more than once or you can date multiple guys at the same time more than once before deciding who's the most potential to be a boyfriend?

GB said...

Excellent question, Sebastian, so I've done an entire post about this. Let's hope that we get some interesting comments :-).

GB xxx

B reader said...

That was an intersting and very sexy post.. it made me imagine the complete stuff, but it was also cute =)